Today she came to the house and removed a lot of her stuff. Still hasn't taken her cloths or bath stuff though. One thing I couldn't figure out is that she took the time to wash a blanket.
What type of blanket? What color is it?
Dude. Seriously? Stop playing detective. It doesnt matter. You know about the other man so drop it and move on. It will just eat you alive from within.
Today she came to the house and removed a lot of her stuff. Still hasn't taken her cloths or bath stuff though. One thing I couldn't figure out is that she took the time to wash a blanket.
What type of blanket? What color is it?
Dude. Seriously? Stop playing detective. It doesnt matter. You know about the other man so drop it and move on. It will just eat you alive from within.
Your right, This has consumed my life. It seems to be all I think about. I run around the house when I know she has been there like a dumbass looking to see what she did of has taken. I even found myself looking in the recycled paper and trying to put papers back together that she shredded. I even had it spread out on the counter top when I stopped I said to myself "what the hell are you doing?" when I realized it doesn't matter and it was a waste of time.
We understand though! It's the most difficult crisis of your life! We CAN NOT control their thoughts, feelings, or actions...so it's futile to even try. But we CAN control our own thoughts, feelings, and actions...so we have to exercise control over what we can! I'm sorry you're going through this!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Well she just texted me and I'm not sure if I handled it right but she got right into the R talk. I dont know if I was to cold. I just didn't want to get sucked into the R talk. Reading what I typed after ,seems like I was just to busy. Not sure if it was the right thing to do. She did offer to put money in the bank for me so I make a payment on time which was nice of her.
Her: I will go to the house today and let the dogs out. Her: after I stop at bank Me: ok Her: I don't know how much your bill is, but will $100 make the min. payment covered? Me: thank you for washing the blanket. It was cold last night and needed it. Me: not sure Me: about the min payment but 100 will be fine Me: thanks Her: your welcome. Her: i like it much better when we get along, instead of tension and fighting. Her: I know things are tough, bu I reall don't want us to hate eachother. Me: me to Her: of course I can only control 1/2 of that. Her: I will never hate you......but you will prob. ) seems lately (that you cannot stand me). Her: it is okay for now, I kinda expect it, and I guess you have to go through it, I did. Me: I'm sorry you feel that way Me: I dont hate you Her: hopefully you will come out the other side of that knowing that i love our girls so much, would NEVER do anything to hurt them, or put them at risk in anyway. Her: In all of my life---their happiness is way more important than even my own. Her: and I would like you to be happy too. Me: I have to get back to work Her: k Me: My mom will be at the house tomorrow morning. I should be there by 10 but if you have plans she will be there to take the kids for me until I get back. Me: bye Her: bye
No, not as of now and actually I don't even think WAS knows I have one. I have been holding back in hopes of saving money as she emptied the bank before I could get there. When she first wanted this she said she was willing to just walk away with leaving me with it all except the car and personal things. Oh, and the tread mill. Boy she has changed her mind now.
Call that L now. Half of that money was yours and you need that half to hold up your end of the bargain as far your children are concerned.
OK. We all get it. She thinks she entitled, she's angry, she is going out swinging. She's following the WA script and it has VERY little to do with what you do or not, say or not.
Did you find those B*lls yet. I might be able to load you a brass set, with a serious down payment.
Cognitive Dissonance. Look it up. She has to be mean and nasty to avoid feeling any guilt. She has to militantly believe she is entitled.
While you are with that L, get yourself an injunction that she CAN NOT bring your children around the OM. It is in their best interests. You ARE NOT D yet, she is having an A, and it is detrimental for your children to be exposed to that.
She will be mad, you bet. But what is she going to do - leave you? Scream at you? (I'm sorry, I am willing to talk to you in a civil manner, but I am not willing to be screamed at. I will get off the phone if it continues. If it does say goodbye and get off the phone. Do not answer the phone if she calls right back.)
The first few months are hell, strap on those big boy briefs. Sorry you find yourself here, but you are in a place where everyone understand what you are going through.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Her: I will go to the house today and let the dogs out. Her: after I stop at bank Me: ok Her: I don't know how much your bill is, but will $100 make the min. payment covered? Me: thank you for washing the blanket. It was cold last night and needed it. Me: not sure Me: about the min payment but 100 will be fine Me: thanks Her: your welcome. Her: i like it much better when we get along, instead of tension and fighting. (Yeah. Less GUILT for HER) Her: I know things are tough, bu I reall don't want us to hate eachother. (THEN YOU SHOULDNT HAVE HAD AN AFFAIR AND BETRAYED MY TRUST. NOT PRODUCTIVE BUT TRUE) Me: me to Her: of course I can only control 1/2 of that. (TRUE) Her: I will never hate you......but you will prob. ) seems lately (that you cannot stand me). (SEE ABOVE) Her: it is okay for now, I kinda expect it, and I guess you have to go through it, I did. (YAA THINK!!!)Me: I'm sorry you feel that way Me: I dont hate you (JUST WAIT! YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LET IT GO THOUGH) Her: hopefully you will come out the other side of that knowing that i love our girls so much, would NEVER do anything to hurt them, or put them at risk in anyway. Her: In all of my life---their happiness is way more important than even my own. (YEAH. RIGHT. I LOVE THIS ONE. GROWING UP IN 2 HOMES IS SO MUCH BETTER. WELL AT LEAST THEY WILL HAVE YOU AS A MORAL AND ETHICAL ROLE MODEL. CAN U TELL IM STILL BITTER) Her: and I would like you to be happy too. (AS LONG AS SHE IS... HELPS WITH THE GUILT)Me: I have to get back to work Her: k Me: My mom will be at the house tomorrow morning. I should be there by 10 but if you have plans she will be there to take the kids for me until I get back. Me: bye Her: bye
Sorry for the hijack. It just brought back a lot of painful memories. The bottom line is that any WAS that does this is being selfish and will do anything to justify what they WANT. Hopefully, some day she will be WILLING to do the WORK that you are NOW DOING.
Call that L now. Half of that money was yours and you need that half to hold up your end of the bargain as far your children are concerned.
OK. We all get it. She thinks she entitled, she's angry, she is going out swinging. She's following the WA script and it has VERY little to do with what you do or not, say or not.
Did you find those B*lls yet. I might be able to load you a brass set, with a serious down payment.
Cognitive Dissonance. Look it up. She has to be mean and nasty to avoid feeling any guilt. She has to militantly believe she is entitled.
While you are with that L, get yourself an injunction that she CAN NOT bring your children around the OM. It is in their best interests. You ARE NOT D yet, she is having an A, and it is detrimental for your children to be exposed to that.
She will be mad, you bet. But what is she going to do - leave you? Scream at you? (I'm sorry, I am willing to talk to you in a civil manner, but I am not willing to be screamed at. I will get off the phone if it continues. If it does say goodbye and get off the phone. Do not answer the phone if she calls right back.)
The first few months are hell, strap on those big boy briefs. Sorry you find yourself here, but you are in a place where everyone understand what you are going through.
I just got off the phone with my L and she said there's nothing I can do unless I have something on him i.e criminal record, drugs, drinking, etc..
I still have some background research to do but I think this is going to take some time and digging/snooping because I don't know anyone that knows him.
Her: i like it much better when we get along, instead of tension and fighting. Her: I know things are tough, bu I reall don't want us to hate eachother. Me: me to Her: of course I can only control 1/2 of that. Her: I will never hate you......but you will prob. ) seems lately (that you cannot stand me). Her: it is okay for now, I kinda expect it, and I guess you have to go through it, I did. Me: I'm sorry you feel that way Me: I dont hate you Her: hopefully you will come out the other side of that knowing that i love our girls so much, would NEVER do anything to hurt them, or put them at risk in anyway. Her: In all of my life---their happiness is way more important than even my own. Her: and I would like you to be happy too.
Do you see how you stayed calm while she screamed at you, that she KNEW that she was being nasty. She thought about it afterward. She felt bad how she acted. Had you said anything to stir her up it would have gotten worse and she never would have thought she was acting unreasonably.
And it is great that she loves the children and says she is more worried about their happiness than her own. And no, you can't point out how her actions are so opposite what she should do if she really values their happiness.
I understand how you hurt, how its hard to believe, how you want another chance.... every feeling and thought you have right now.
Advice for the short-term:
1) Do not answer her call or call her if your emotions are not under control. 2) Start a journal. When you feel like calling her, or begging, or telling her that next magic thing that will change everything - do not actually call her but have at it with the journal. 3) Every night make a plan for what you are going to do the next day. Even if you don't FEEL like it right now, GAL and be busy. It will help. 4) Take notice of little things around you. A sunset, a sunrise, the blue sky, the birds, the smell of coffee, the sun shining on your kids while they play. 5) Start a gratefulness journal. Start at #1 and keep right on listing things you are grateful for numbered sequentially. This is hard at first, but it will show you parts of your life that ARE GOOD. 6) Read, take notes, work on your personal growth. If you need recommendations for books just ask. You will be inundated with suggestions. You really need to grow to get on with your life. 7) Forgive her. You may not be able to right away. I understand completely, but you should work to get there. Anger & bitterness is poison you do not want in your life. 8) As you grow, go back and read the journal in 2). You will know you have grown because you will be getting stronger and VERY thankful you journaled what you wrote instead of saying it to her. 9) Encourage your children and nurture their confidence. Never say anything bad about their mother to them. Let them know it is not their fault and you will always love them. 10) Make a list of all the hobbies or interests you had in the past, ever had an interest in, used to do or might do. Start at #1 and do them.
It does get better. I promise it does.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
