Keel-hauled, but, more time with my kids

[faithisbelieving]

To all...I apologize that I haven't been able to respond to each of you. Thank u for your concern.

I have had little time to figure this out. I do know one thing...I do not want to hurt my son and my STBXw has played a nasty hand. I really have only two choices: play her game and take him out of school early...or..step back and let her drive him to the game.

For me, it's a lose-lose choice. On the one hand, I am a selfish man who will sneak into school, place him between us and ferry him away. On the other hand, I am letting her walk all over me and allow her to show my son that I don't matter.

There is nothing I can do legally (? a motion/court order for me to take him to the game??). The LG does nothing...here..in this case.I argued my case with STBXW..will post those texts tomorrow.

My best buddy told me to go up early to school and pull him.

My other married and grounded friend asked me questions:
-is she driving him to the game?
-will u take him on the field
-do u believe she will deliver him on time?

I told her yes. Her response:
-MY behavior is controlling
-divorce sucks and u cannot micromanage your life
-u can spend the game angry at STBXW or make lemonade out of lemons and enjoy it with S8
-that when she drives her kids they are texting, etc and my time with him on the field is more important

Etc.

I don't know. I DO know that I love my son...that he has suffered....and that I don't want him hurt anymore. If I pull him from school...to satisfy MY needs, I open a whole new can of worms.

I signed my response to STBXW's affidavit and signed my crossmotion. It is heavy hitting and now SHE has answering to do. It is all true.

I will think...tonite. FIB

[frank_D]

Questions:

Do you expect her to bring him on time for the 'Dad on the field thing'.

Will they do some kind of 'roll call' to get you and he on the field?

Are there other coaches, not family, who you could 'enlist' to help if she tries to prevent you from taking him on the field. Ask this in advance.

Is your son expecting you to do this and does she know that? If not, make sure he expects this. Make sure she is aware.

Maybe her 'entourage' just wants to be there for good reasons, like she has told them how SHE has supported you in all this and that you 'might try to block her from being a part of this. After all we know she is selfish and lies.

Whatever you do, get some third party witnesses. And if they call him out go to get him. If she stops you don't fight, just go out without him and go to the announcer and tell them that his mother is preventing you from doing this. That would be a hoot.

At this point, you aren't protecting him by rolling over. Instead he is being forced into more pain and confusion.

I may be off and I welcome other peoples ideas. I'm just saying this: What are you teaching him by letting her control both of you in such a critical situation?

I was thinking about how she did that 'thing' at the synagogue when they had the 'mixed marriages' thing. In hindsight, you probably should not have walked up with her to 'protect your kids emotions'. Instead, I think you actually hurt them when you 'play along' with her BULLSH*T

Kids are not stupid. I'll give you an example from MY childhood.

My Dad's second wife ran off with his cousin. Both had families. I was presented with a 'she is evil' front. My dad wasn't evil, and neither was she. She was honest with me, and he and my grandparents were not. I was 10 years old and I figured it out on my own. How?

Intuition. Kids have a deep intuition about things because they haven't learned how to doubt their intuition. That happens later when we are willing to look the other way to get what we perceive we 'want'.

My IC told me the other day that my kids would rather have me be strong and sober than have our marriage restored. Powerful stuff.

You're protecting your kids from something that HAS to happen. They HAVE to see the reality of their situation. Of their mother. Of their father.

What they ARE seeing is that mom makes bad decisions and dad allows it. Where is the Alpha Male in all this?

I think Ian or someone else may have better insights along this line. I'm just sayin' ...

Strength and Honor. I love you man and I know you understand where I'm coming from.

[25yearsmlc]

Frank,

Does she know (I mean do you KNOW that she KNOWS) that you told s8 you'd be taking him and what it means to YOU and HIM and that ALL the other coaches and THEIR sons AND dad's and sons are doing this? Is this really a father son thing or more of a dad/son thing b/c YOU are the dad AND the coach?

Does she get this? I know you think she's doing all these things b/c she's just trying to hurt you but I am tossing out the possibility that she's acting out of so much fear that you will "win" by being the better man/parent.

IF SO, then maybe the reassurances about 1) how this is mainly a dad/son thing and 2) that s8 might feel a bit odd to have his MOM with him if the others with dads have their DADs there, especially since everyone knows you exist as you ARE A COACH...AND 3) that SHE'LL LOOK WEIRD and MEAN to snatch it away from you and s8, IN THE PUBLIC AND IN THE COURT'S EYES...

I think if she realized how an objective person could view HER actions in this matter, without all the history of how terrible you used to be blah blah blah, if she knew how she might be seen, she might reconsider. Got to wonder what SHE thought the other parents felt when she acted like such a biotch...

OTOH, she says you "slept with the kids 5 times" and I have to wonder wth she means by that. Is she "jealous" that they reach out to you (God, let's hope so) OR IS SHE GOING DOWN TO THE GUTTER WITH THOSE COMMENTS?? Does she know if she destroys you, professionally/financially, then there won't be ANY money for child support??? Hmm?? It is NOT in HER interest, never mind theirs, to destroy you.

Okay just thought I would throw those things out. Either way you'll do what's best and yes, showing that you as a father, do care and you DO matter IS a legit concern. Just make sure it's that, and not your pride, or "ownership rights" talking. etc. Sometimes the line gets blurry.
(((( )))))
(( j )) and some extra (( ))

[fb2]

FIB, Explain to her why you need/want to take S8 to the game in the presence of a couple of other people. And then let her say or do whatever she wants without fighting her. That's my 2c.

[25yearsmlc]

PS in answer to a question you asked, YES there are folks who'd go to court and file a motion for injunctive relief which is to cause or prevent an action from happening, & that it cannot wait for a later court date, b/c to wait too long and not quicky deal with the matter, would do "irreparable harm" to someone if not acted upon immediately, and SO for that reason, they file to get something enforced or stopped. (As opposed to suing for money, ie damages, etc.)

DO I think this is worth it? ONLY IF you thought she'd learn something really valuable from it and NOT pull this stuff again and again and MAYBE that's the only way to deal with her knowing how she'll hate you ANYHOW...but for tonight/today...it is too late for that. I think.

What'd your L say or did you bother to call her? I WOULD HAVE CALLED HER ON THIS JUST TO CHECK AND IF NOTHING ELSE, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE VALUE OF SCARING YOUR W INTO BEHAVING...Some time, if not for this then for the next stunt, I WOULD FILE FOR INJUNCTIVE RELIEF AND START PLAYING HARDBALL BIG TIME B/C YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO IT A LOT TO GET THRU TO HER....imo...even if it means bluffing her a bit with things you could legally do but probably would not do b/c of who YOU are....still, she does need to stop this and I doubt it'll be on her own. I mean she is acting like a child with tantrums at worst...and when our son then 2 1/2 laid on the floor of the grocery store b/c I would not buy candy I had a full cart and he did NOT believe I'd leave the cart and all that "work" and food there if he did not stop wailing...but I did. He could not believe it b/c it was a HUGE HASSLE for me and him and all of us...but you know, he never threw a tantrum like that again so my 2 hour one time hassle WAS WORTH IT...same goes for this poop...except your w is a bit more complicated....but only a bit. I just don't
"get her"...

Your hopes therefore rest on a vigorous legal defense AND OR yourself, AND OR someone in the family or close friend who gets thru to her, or GOD, or....nothing else likely b/c it won't be HER. Not anytime soon anyhow. You still have confidence in your L right? Hope so b/c if not, get a new one. But yeah, she sounded good and things have gone your way legally though it all seems like a nightmare it IS worse for your w...toooooo bbaaadddd....

So as gracefully/calmly but forcefully, and with witnesses, Do as others have suggested and tell her what this means to your SON and YOU and how it LOOKS....give her a chance to look heroic, (I know, cough cough but still....build a golden bridge for your enemy to retreat upon--Art of War---so that seeds are planted in HER mind and THEIRS, so they see that maybe her hands are not clean...(Do they know of OM at all, I mean her family? You never answered that except to say that when you told MIL SHE seemed bummed that you told her, or was it w who was bummed? Or both or what?

(I recall my first love in HS cheating on me and when I confronted him ALL he could focus on was "who told you?" and somehow I KNEW that he had cheated b/c it was such an odd focal point for an innocent person...) Her family has done a lot of transferring. I have 3 sisters and no way would NONE of them NOT Tell me if I was blowing somegthing out of proportion. They'd also check out my version of the truth if it started sounding too weird. Hasn't anyone in her family done that for you?

Were you seen as THE WINNER when you guys got married b/c you were a doctor and then what happened? She was miserable, so it must be YOUR fault? WTH??

Good luck in the morning, we'll all be rooting for you and please keep us posted.

((( j )))

[dl443322]

FIB, I am all confused about what the right thing to do here is, so I am going to say, go with your gut. What is your inner voice telling you? Put aside all the other stuff and listen.

I do know that in order for you to be able to live with yourself, you will do what you feel is best for your son. Ultimately, that is the most important thing, in my opinion.

You and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers today. I am here if you need to talk.

Hang tough, my friend.

[smith18]

Go Mets! Beat those fish!

[faithisbelieving]

To add clarity. Texts 2 days ago:

Me: XXX..this Fri is a father/son/team event. I purchased a ticket for S8 as per your text. We are in uniform together. D6 will be with you and your family. S8 will be going on the field with his team for the national anthem.He is completely free to hang with u afterward.

XXX: Show me where it says it's a father son team event.

Me:XXX...I am not interfering with Paige's piano or recital..she should be with u. This is about S8...going on the field with his dad and his teammates. Please put him first.U told me to buy his ticket...u asked to buy D6's. I told him for weeks that we are going together and trying to drive in with teammates.

XXX:I always put him first. This is a family event that I had 2 find out about on my own (not true...she was handed out a flyer at a game she went to and actually bought tickets before me). You never told me. You don't get to exclude me anymore.S8 is also looking forward 2 spending it with me

Me: U are never excluded

XXX:Well u do your best 2 not give me the info. That won't work anymore

Me: XXX...u told me to buy HIS ticket. U bought D6's. I am driving him in with his team..he can be with u and your family after the ceremony. Check all your texts (that I sent) about games, cancellations, school ceremonies....

XXX: I never told u to do anything (this is a lie). I asked you what u were doing about the game. You said u were ordering them 4 yourself and the kids. I told you I was going and I would order 4 me and paige. You tried to leave me out again.

XXX: I have. And you are very selective. Don't text me again about this. They will ride in with me and he will get 2 do his team thing with you. And he can ride home with you. But it is a family event and I get to participate


And there you go.
FIB

[faithisbelieving]

To Frank....I understand totally what you posted. My choices were clear...'abduct him'....or file a motion so that I could drive him to the game.

I think the answer is clear here...as much as it hurts. I think the 'alpha male' thing here is to NOT hurt your son.

I will decide what is best for my children and no one will deter me from doing so

Yes Frank..it feels emasculating again. She pulled a good one. But...I am trying to teach S8 to 'make his feelings known'. Although ultimately, his parents make the decisions, S8 needs to come out from underneath now and be able to express himself..and that includes towards ME too.

This is not a matter of wussing out..but deciding what is best for him. Unless she is lying to me, I will have him on the field. Is driving him in critical? No...I think not. Does it hurt me in a way? Yes. 'Should he be with me?' On paper, yes.

She will get a copy of my response and cross motion. As you know Frank, it is factual and heavy hitting. She will have to respond.

If others feel that this thinking was wrong, I would appreciate your input.

FIB

[faithisbelieving]

To KerryK....go Mets. I am OK. I am hurting more more over my loss of control here, but then again, there's that control word. FIB