Working on the L. My name wasn't on the 1st loan, just connected to the place I work, which is why it's good it's paid off now. I don't believe I'm on the new loan, but that's probably a good ? for the L - can I be listed at a co-signer without actually signing? I'll try to find out. Good thought.
I will spend some time now thinking about what to do, and how to move forward. Will contact a L in the next week and get some input on our state laws, etc. Don't want to push towards D but protecting ourselves now is a must.
So, the logistics of that aside, it's been a TOUGH day! The mammogram came out fine which was a relief. Tried not to obsess about H on vacation with OW, but yes, it stinks he took her to a place I would love to be. When the real guy finally surfaces, what will he find? His wife may have moved on, and I am told most of his friends have lost all respect for him. One guy told my BF that I'm much cooler than OW and he's completely lost his mind.
So, if I file for a legal separation or something, I can still DB and become the person only a fool would leave, right? The risk, or maybe better put, the fear I have is by moving ahead with that I imply to H that I'm done. Or perhaps that's the correct assumption I want him to have, so he has to seriously consider what he's doing and the consequences of his actions...
2) get information about your future and what plans you should/can make. How? See a L.
3) Empower yourself to be able to visualize a good life with or without him, and that takes info, which you will be getting from #1 and 2.
4) continue to DB with your actions and words which also means you cannot control HIS actions/reactions so STOP worrying about them.
5) GAL which means more of #1-4 and whatever else you are doing to GAL, DB 101.
6) don't "teach him a lesson" or "show him consequences" b/c LIFE WILL DO THAT FOR HIM. These are not tactics, they are YOUR reality and your action plans, which HE caused you to somehow create. SO now You are creating a new life b/c you have to. That is reality.
I know this sucks, but you have SOME clarity. Keep the focus on you and yours...this is no dress rehearsal; it's the real thing and the only show you get to be in.
Be the star honey!
(( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This is my reality. So, what am I going to do about it... it's all up to me!!
Your outline helps a lot - thanks again.
Not a dress rehearsal, huh?! I like that! Well, the show must go on and if it's my show, I can't imagine anyone else playing my part. So I guess I better step up!
How are you doing today? Thanks for the encouraging words on my post.
You said something interesting a page or two back to the effect that you know you cannot control H anymore.One of the things we learn fast in this sitch is that we can never control anyone. Some of us can't even control ourselves enough to walk by a chocolate bar (o.k that's me) so how on earth do we expect that we could control another human being? Any illusion we ever had of control was just that. An illusion. I was a big control freak now I am a huge advocate of letting go.
I know it hurts to hear about them on vacation. Is there anything you always wanted to do that you can do now to fulfill a long held dream? If so, do it and that should make you feel better.
What also works for me is taking the focus off H and putting it on God and myself. Keep your eyes fixed on the prize. The prize is coming out of this stronger and better. We can't go allow ourselves to go through something like this and emerge unchanged. THat would be a travesty. We can either emerge broken and bitter or whole and better. My attitude is that I will not allow myself to experience all this pain without emerging a better person.I have to let something positive come out of it.
I know that it can be confusing to talk to family or friends and receive so much different advice. After praying and reading a lot of books I decided what my course would be and I do not discuss details of my sitch with anyone except one or two (literally) non-judgmental people. It is good to have support but I don't want so many voices in my head.
I read something interesting this morning. I was praying about my sitch and asking the Lord, what next? I opened my inbox and there was an e-mail about facing challenging times and getting through them. It said that sometimes the only way to get through a rough day is to say what next and to take the next literal step e.g I will bathe, I will eat, I will go to the supermarket. So when I get stuck in a bd patch I plan to remind myself what to do next. It is like putting one foot in front of the other and taking those baby steps you told me about.
Hi mnt-dreams, I just wanted to say that initially I was talking to my close friends & sister. Even that became too much. Everyone tried to help but I decided to talk to 2 people about my sitch so that I don't go do something off the wall. I told them that my goal is to preserve my M, but plan for the worst. I need them to support that goal & to NOT judge my H. We all have a journey, if this is ours .... I don't want to walk away from it a lesser of a person. So....not to use ur post, but keep the people u get advice from at a minimum. I think we have to learn also to trust our own judgement. I hope u had a good day!
You BOTH are strong amazing women finding silver linings AND MORE, in terrible situations.
Don't know your exact faiths, etc and don't care for details as long as you are fine with this suggestion. I read a book about The Gift of Change by Williamson, who helped do THIS EXACT think Kara is discussing. And recently I read another book, "Blue Like Jazz" for diff reasons and am bringing them up for diff reasons. Willaimson's book about change says it in the title and tells us HOW to find the pearls of wisdom and peace we are meant to find in these terrible times of ours. Such a good book and it helped my mom after my dad died too. It also is helping me now as I figure out how to live WITH H and d's and "find myself" without constantly having to check MY Choices with whether h will be here or there or where...meaning, with or without, I will do "x" and "y" and "z" and that is not always easy with a child at home AND a career that COULD require specific hours and nighttime networking and the idea that "well, you can WRITE anywhere!" is SO tiresome to hear. If that were true, I'd write while also doing heart surgery or arguing in court. Oh wait, I have to THINK to write...(I keep forgetting....)
ANYHOW....Blue Like Jazz IS about faith and he kind of critisizes the misuse of faithand religion in a FAIR way (like some LBSers who want to quote/throw scripture in the face of the WAS as if THAT will get the WAS to "love" them again...or think if they get the WAS to go to mass THEN the WAS will "get it" and crawl home....gotta wonder wth they are thinking but then, I myself recall trying to "guilt"my h into change but just didn't know enough scripture to use it!)
SO the author there, talks about letting OUR faith SHOW in our lives by how much strength and forgiveness we feel and let it be modelled (forgiving =letting go, not condoning, so that the feelings/thoughts/actions/reactions/ of the WAS do NOT dictate OUR mood every hour of OUR day's with us wondering why why why????)
and basically the author of BLJazz probes us into thinking about how much MORE of a diff we'll make in our children's lives with a faith of LOVE, belief in it (with or without the WAS) and moreover, the POSSIBILITY of a recon is so much higher if we are not standing there condemning them with our arms crossed, being RIGHT... (which only reinforces thte WAS choice to leave in the first place.)
Blue like Jazz is provocative, and when you are ready you may want to take a look at it. I am processing it still. But "The Gift OF Change" is a book you ARE BOTH ready for now as it will assist you on the road you have been forced to take, and to make the best of it. And I bet you'll learn that the best of THIS road, may indeed be the best of the best. Also check out that site or thread if you can b/c it validates what you going through. A few years down the road, I'd bet that NO ONE Who has actually "DBd" has ever said "MY LIFE STILL SUCKS" and 'IT'S ALL B/C OF WAS"....just does not work that way.
xoxo (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I had a great day!! I didn't have to work today, so I got busy this morning working on the garage. After H cleared out his stuff, it still seemed so much like his space so I reorganized! Boxed up his remaining momentos (bike race tags, key chains, etc.) and put it all away. Came across some old cards from me to him that he left behind, but I just put those in the box too w/out spending time to read them. Then I arranged the remaining tools, set up an area to work on the bikes and projects and I think it looks simply MARVELOUS!
This afternoon, I read my new novel "Eat, Pray, Love" out on the porch with a cold beer and just enjoyed relaxing in the sun, with a gentle breeze blowing. It's a good book so far... the main character is a lady going thru a D, and there's some good insight into the WAS and later the desperation many of us can identify with as we try to "save" our Rs. I'm only abt 30 pages in.
Contacted a L today, and am waiting a response for a consultation.
So, that was my day. Productive and I just love looking at the garage now... I mean I have to drive into it every day, so I might as well make it my space, right?! Ha!
Now, some comments on your post...
Yes, I agree that we can't control anyone. I was a control freak too! Thought H needed to be the H I thought he should be, thought our R had to be the way I thought it should be, blah, blah, blah! I am trying to practice not judging or trying to control with my other Rs as well, since H is out of the picture for now. I mean, the kids need some control/supervision still, but letting them make more and more decisions for themselves is a way to practice letting go. Also, at work... asking what employees think they should do instead of jumping in with my opinion rt away...
Great idea about pursuing something I always wanted to do... hmmm.. gonna have to think about that one awhile, but I like the idea!
Agree about the prize - if we don't come out of this stronger and better, it would be so sad! I know I want my future to be with H, as you do, but if it doesn't work out that way, we'll still be OK. Better than OK!!
Hi Orchid! Thx for sharing your experience with your support system. I feel the same way... they want to be supportive, but b/c they want the hurt to stop they aren't necessarily on board with DB'g.
You're right - we have to trust our own judgment... too much advice can be overwhelming!
Both books sound great! There are lessons to be learned here with our situations, and anything that can help me find more peace sounds good! I also like the Blue like Jazz concept - letting your faith show in your acts, how you model the behavior, vs. talking about faith... really living it out is what matters.
I'll definitely check both books out, thanks!
What's the site or thread? It's about The Gift of Change?
"The GIft of Change" is a book by Marianne Williamson that helped me (and my mom) deal with what appeared to be/felt like HUGE losses in our lives. For me, I did not lose my h after all, but had so much pain of course, and FEAR of never reconciling, never remarrying, lliving on the streets, getting super fat and alcoholic and ...well, you get the picture. (No, NONE of those things were likely but you know how fears can take over sometimes... etc.)
BUT with that book, along with something in me, sort of "clicking" (maybe getting sick and tired of feeling sick and tired??) I began to see the positives and when that happened for real, I CHANGED. Who knows if this is the reason, BUT then H noticed and began his own journey back. But my changes were not tactics for my life IS still different and still changing and if h were to die or leave again, I would more than survive. I love him, and think we're making it and all. BUT I'm very alright being on my own now. I see the advantages and also, I GET that sometimes we have no choice and in THOSE CASES it's insane not to look at the positives.
Oh, Marianne Williamson also wrote a book about handling anger and learning to forgive. I think THAT book (the anger/forgiveness one) is called "Return to Love" and I had that one on my Ipod and took it EVERYWHERE I WALKED AND JOGGED so I could hammer it into my head...or go nuts...it had exercises for forgiveness that were helpful to ME even though not everyone is into that type of stuff. I think we all know in our heads that forgiving is a good idea ....but HOW? I never saw it modelled in my childhood. My parents yelled and retreated...I saw no conflict resolution and I NEVER saw my dad apologize until he was on his death bed. (HE meant it then though, but as for what forgiveness looks like, I just did not know)....I was SO angry and did not know how not to be....so I got help and saw a good T, who gave me the book Return to Love and worked with me AND II learned from those books, and a great workshop I attended awhile back, and from some exercises AND talks with a good pro-M c, and a good friend of mine who forgave HER husband and a male friend of ours who forgave HIS w, and from people HERE....resources exist. We need to know what it looks like to do it. Same for detaching and I see a HUGE connection between forgiveness and detaching...
Anyhow...let me know if you've read anything lately that hits you. (Of course I can still ignore you...but seriously, aside from the pile of books next to my bed, I really do read what smart people find good. There's always going to be some value in it. You know? And the Blue Like Jazz (which was at the bookstore and not at the library yet) book came at the same time I saw someone HERE (diff thread of course) lambasting their LBSer with religion and that was SO on point as to how we misuse God...
Gotta go, take care! J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
