You're not a fool, it's just that we all change over time and forgot to nurture the things that should not have been neglected.
Hindsight is always 20/20. But now armed with the knowledge ammo you have, you have the chance to turn that boat around.
At first it will be like turning the course of the Titanic, but it can be done. Don't ever lose sight of that. First rule of DB is to stop blaming yourself. What's past is past and you can't change it. You also can't change your W. You can only change yourself in the here and now.
What kind of things first attracted your W to you in the first place? See if that can be re-created. Most importantly, grow yourself and just take things one day at a time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You're not a fool, it's just that we all change over time and forgot to nurture the things that should not have been neglected.
Yes, and I think the key here is time. Its easy to loose track as time slips by.
Originally Posted By: stuck808
What kind of things first attracted your W to you in the first place? See if that can be re-created. Most importantly, grow yourself and just take things one day at a time.
I think this follows with your other comment. People change over time as do what they find desirable. I honestly don't know what she saw in me when we first hooked up. There was a connection though. We used to talk a lot. We were best friends and did everything together. She claims that the OM can listen to her talk to him and open up to her, "more emotional." I have never been good at this and honestly never realized how much I kept to myself. I see it now but as you stated "Hindsight is always 20/20." With that said, I feel as though I can leave from this a better person no matter what happens.
WAW has had the kids the last couple of days and i have detached and have not called or talked to her about anything. I waited for her to call which she did and I didn't pick up and then called her back about an half hour later after figuring out what I was going to say. Told her sorry that I missed her call but I was busy. All we talked about was the kids and when and where we were going to make the exchange. Its seems that this is just pushing her farther and farther away. She seemed happy that I didn't talk to her much. She made it clear she didn't even want to talk to me at all when she got there. Shes making it real hard for me to hang onto any hope.
NOTHING that you say or do will change her mind right now, man! I know it's hard and you feel like it's 'pushing' her farther away, but it's not! She's already 'gone' right now...you decreasing communication with her right now is the BEST thing for YOU...it'll help you detatch. There's always hope, if you're willing to hang in there. You need to STOP focusing on her RIGHT NOW...and start focusing on you! She's 'in the fog' right now, and she will not come out of it until she decides to on her own. You have no say so anymore, you have no control over her anymore. I know it's tough to hear these things, and I know it hurts. You can not control her thoughts, feelings, or actions...so don't bother. You CAN control your thoughts, feelings, and actions...so do it! This is a marathon, not a sprint. Buckle in, buckle down, and get tough...read, learn, become a better man and a better father. You CAN do it. Focus on you, your child, and your job. You CAN do this. I know how bad it hurts, and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. It happens. There are lots of us here.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Your right Antlers, she is gone and I need to stop thinking about it. Thank you for the support, at a time when I need it most. Today I found out that she has been bringing the kids around him. they told me about him and the playground and ice cream after. The one thing that I asked her is to not bring the kids around him. She really has no respect for me. I'm trying my hardest not to loose it and call her and say WTF.
Man, you are dealing with a different person right now...she is not the person that you fell in love with and married. She is 'in the fog' and she can justify anything that she does right now...regardless of how wrong it is. Don't call her! Be the best father that you can be for your kids. Do not mention their mother, or anybody else to your kids. You're in a tough spot, and I know that it hurts so bad! Detatch from her...you have no control over her thoughts, feelings, or actions...so don't bother trying. You do have control over your thoughts, feelings, and actions...so exercise that control! Stay here and learn, read, and get support. Become the best man and the best father you can be. Focus on your kids and your job and yourself....NOTHING ELSE! I'm sorry. If you don't want to give up hope...then don't! But detatch.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She is definitely not the same person now. I cant believe she would put even her own kids aside for him. She wouldn't even like to go to work for the afternoon without seeing them and now shes going days without even calling! I'm beginning to wonder if she even wants custody at all as they are just getting in her way of having fun and being "free". I haven't given up hope but it just seems to be getting harder to hang onto as each day goes by.
She also seems so different because your perspective is skewed! You're not seeing her with a completely rational mind right now either! She is a different person right now...for sure. Don't bother trying to change her, or her mind right now. You can't! She's so screwed up that she's neglecting her kids. They go through a tremendously selfish mode...where it's all about them. And they don't feel bad about what they're doing either...they are completely justified...in their mind...warped as it is. So, you have to focus on you and your kids and your job. I know it's hard, and I know it hurts. It SUCKS...but that's where you're at right now. I'm sorry. I know you hate it...understandably! If you still care and are able...don't give up hope...but let go and detatch.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Antlers, words (at least mine) cant describe how much you are helping me and others right now. Thank you for being here but I'm sorry at the same time after reading your sitch. My prayers are with you.
The girls and I had a ball today. Went to the store then the playground and back home for fun in the garden. My oldest saw my wedding band on the counter that I had been wearing up until the day before and asked "Dad why are you not wearing your wedding ring?" I was speechless at first but came up with that I was working in the garden so i took it off. She just shrugged and went along her business. I had gone out with some friends the night before and had taken it off. Something I hadn't done in a long time. If I wasn't working I was always watching the kids so she could or we were doing our weekly date out which over the years had turned into grocery shopping and sometimes a swing though walmart. I know, sad right...one of the larger reasons I am were I am today. My MIL would come over and watch the kids and we would always feel guilty for having her stay with them so we would always just go do the shopping for the week while we didn't have the kids and just go back home to relieve her. Nothing romantic about grocery shopping.
Back to my night out with friends, we ended up at a bar. I don't drink anymore after this all happened but never really drank much anyway but it always bothered the W because she has family members that are alcoholics. Ended up playing pool which I hadn't played it in years and had a blast. Actually did good considering. Lost all three games I played but they were all close. Over all I was doing good until I saw a couple hugging and kissing and all I could think of was how my W and OM are doing that and ended up leaving because of it. It was my first real attempt at GAL'ing and I know that even though it ended on a sour note that it was a good step for me.
Today with the kids was great. Went to the farm and played with all the animals and then out to eat. We stopped at the playground on the way back and there was a very attractive woman there with two girls about the same age as mine. They all played together and had fun while us grown ups talked. Turns out she is a LBS to. It felt good to talk to someone and not have the feeling of guilt that my wife will find out. It didn't go anywhere because I don't think I'm ready to go out dating yet but it sure was a confidence booster. So much so that when the WAW called later I told her that I will be dropping the kids off at my mothers and she could pick them up from there and I wont be there as I had stuff to do. Well this was a trigger for her cause she threw a fit and got angry and started yelling and swearing on the phone. I just held it all back and said "I'm sorry you feel that way." This just made her even hotter and she told me that I was suggesting that I didn't want her at the house anymore while I wasn't there and I told her "well, you did move out." I am regretting that statement (just a little) because what she said next was unreal. She was so angry that she just started throwing anything in her bag of tricks at me. I'm sure while an audience in the background watched in disbelief. She threatened to come over with OM and take what ever she wanted from our house. I just said nothing because there is nothing I could come up with to say at this point that would have been productive. Then she said "WE are coming over to get the kids" as if to threaten me with the OM. At this point I just let go and said goodbye. I went and called the police to see if I could stop her from coming in the house and they said I cant unless I go to the district court and file for a no trespassing. Now I feel like I'm swimming upstream again. Totally out of control and cornered. I only want a little respect and was hoping that this was going to be a good step in that direction. Standing up for myself without being angry. I don't know what will happen now but I have no control over what she does anyway.
