I like that you got mad and then let it go. So much better than holding it in.
While I'm not sure if everything is forgivable (still working on that as a philisophical point), you sound good in terms of your ability to not carry it with you.
Ive been thinking a lot about forgiveness too I am not there yet and believe it will be an act of gods grace only, if I can forgive XH Im still very hurt at times by all of this i still get waves of anger and high waves of it recently it seems to take such a long time to work through the pain i thought I was done, but my XBF was obviously just a distraction..I still have to resolve this R with XH before I can move on in another R and IM not ready
I feel sad for the kids too I hope they will be OK im so grateful for all the blessings in my life, but it is hard to not have any real reliable family or help with my kids XH is very unreliable, withdrawn and easy to explode at any moment peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You ask me "How can I stop it" (RE: OW seeing my son)
My H has been with the same OW for 3+ years.
#1 My H has not initiated a meeting yet? It's Curious Huh? #2 My son does not want to meet her. He will get what he wants. #3 In my sitch the OW is a classic example. OMG, the stories I could tell about her.
I have never ever made contact with the OW. She on the other hand views me as some sort of threat. She makes contact with me and she verbally abuses me, telling me in swears to stay away from her boyfriend even in front of son once. For 44 she is very high school. I have proof of this and H knows about it. My L knows about it and if need be the judge will know about it. Let's just say H won't push it either. He knows, with my proof, I can and will keep son away from OW should their R continue.
I have kept a journal with photos and other goodies in great detail during this time and I am not sorry I had the foresight to do so. I highly recommend it to all LBS for the duration of the situation and beyond if necessary.
In my case the OW is "no lady", you all know the type. Had she been someone different in personality and reputation I may not have gone to the extremes I have to gather and record information I can use when I need to.
I view every situation as different. The people and the stories have such wide variances and personality details. You need to know what and who you are dealing with and the sooner the better. It is all about protecting yourself and your kids when found in one of the situations.
I am not afraid anymore and I will use my ammo if I am pushed.....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
saw XH today at work he shared some work problem I listened and validated with support It was brief as I had a lot of work to so and D 13 was with me He visited kids tonight I left immediately as I had plans nothing phases my Xh he doesnt seem to care he wants to keep the R with his kids but he seems to cut the visit shorter so he can get home (to OW) I spoke with friends today no one has met OW XH not calling back old friends It is so hard to read..you never know what has really happened to WAS they just seem like their attention cna committment has shifted to new person and new life they seem to be able to justify their choices I dont know how he does it sometimes he appears so normal, not depressed angry or withdrawn yet he still choses her over me
I wonder how the MLCER keeps the R going with OW? can it be good? do they really love eachother? It started as a lie kept as a secret his friends still dont know her the kids never met her they blew through thousands of dollars together leaving XH in huge debt. He keeps in little tough with any of our old friends (they who were his best friends) peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace, All I can say is, you never know what will happen. I could not figure out a way my H and his OW would ever end. I was POSITIVE she would never let go. My H abandoned us all in the same way yours has. He was a complete, distant stranger. And now - now I sense a change in him. Her absence is obvious - H is no longer an alien, at least for now. Even if you don't want the M back, hold on to the hope that H will find his way out of whatever he's going through. He's not ready yet.
I can only speak from my experience regarding the children.
H left two years ago and set his own visitation schedule at every other weekend. He wanted this so he "wouldn't disrupt their lives." A few months after he left, he asked if he could take them to dinner once a week. I said certainly and asked what day he would like them. He never responded.
Since he left, he has missed a lot...games, meets, events, etc. He also attends some, but has missed too much. After missing one, D asked where he was and if he was with OW's kids.
He starting dating this OW a year ago, secretly (she was dating H's best friend so they had to keep it quiet). After she broke up with her ex, H told the girls in September they were dating and then spent every moment with her...forcing the girls to spend time with her and her kids. They shared a bedroom together when the girls were there. I've tried to put a stop to it - I am unable to.
Girls don't like her. D13 is doing fine with H, but relationship with D15 is especially bad and getting worse. She does not like OW and the the past history of all of it (in addition to OW's ex being friends with H, she was also a close friend of mine). Neither girl like her children.
H and I have been in counseling for co-parenting at my request. Counselor is great, both H and I like him. Counselor says that he is of the opinion that significant others should not be introduced to children until a serious committment is going to be made. He did not agree that H did all of this so soon, and while he is still married. So for all of you who have been able to prevent this, I give you a lot of credit. I was powerless in this regard.
H doesn't get it. He thinks that his issues with D15 are due to her age and lack of respect. He feels that this is a time issue, happening because he doesn't spend enough time with them. So, if I don't agree to his demands of longer weekends and weekly overnights during the week, he will seek 50/50 custody at a hearing that he scheduled for this week. So I may very well lose time with my girls...it has been the one thing that I have been grateful for during all of this...I had the girls. But now that is being threatened.
Counselor told him that this isn't a time issue but rather a relationship issue. More time won't fix the problem. H doesn't appear to be backing down. Unfortunately, in my state, because H isn't physically or sexually abusing them, he will get up to 50%. Our state's motto, based on what my attorney and counselor have said, is that we are free to screw up our kids as much as we want, as long as we don't touch them.
Bottom line - H wasn't a great parent before all of this. Didn't interact much with them, didn't pay attention to them, not much from him at all. I did hope that he would become a better parent when he was forced to spend one on one time with them. It hasn't happened. Every weekend that he has them, he calls me and/or D15 calls me because they are fighting and want me to resolve it. I am unsure of why he thinks it will get better with more time, he can't handle what he has now.
My attorney thinks it is money related - 50/50 time equals zero support. I think it is the way to get to me, since nothing else has worked. He has gone for two years on this schedule and suddenly it is a problem.
Either way, it is not child focused. If I truly thought that he wanted this so he could spend time with them, I would be sad, but would know that it was in the kids' best interest and would not fight it.
Unfortunately, in my case, the child situation is getting worse and I don't see an improvement in the near future.
It is heartbreaking to see what it done to them. They didn't ask for this.
Millicient thanks for visiting IN my state a child over 12 can refuse to visit other parent if they choose still hoping thanks I do want to hold onto the hope that oneday even if XH and I never Reconcile, he would again be committed to us maybe a committment in a different way I think thats what hurts the most, that his committment is somewhere else peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
XH over last night I told my D 14 not to wait up for me as I would be very late(saturday night plans) XH heard this then he immediately snapped at me about something else he is going home to OW so what is his problem? does he think this D woman is going to sit around on a saturday night? I saw dance friend I thought I was done here but I see myself still attracted to him and He is not what i want in a new R so it shows me again how strong these attractions are and how hard they are to refrain from you forget until you go thru it sometimes I think we may be powerless over these kinds of feelings and the magnetic pull to the OP even though logically it is not for your highest good, th epull is unbelievable strong and deceitful peace peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
sometimes I think we may be powerless over these kinds of feelings and the magnetic pull to the OP even though logically it is not for your highest good, th epull is unbelievable strong and deceitful peace peace
Wise and very true words. We might ask ourselves why we are attracted to the types we are, but then we just look at other couples around us and say our taste are not as bad.......
I think I once read somewhere that the law of attraction is rooted in our primeval past. It's diverse from person to person just like all our other attributes, but the specific function it serves is to preserves the survival of our species. Unfortunately, it didn't say anything about being happy or content with our choices.
Hey, at least we contributed to the survival of our species..
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
