It has been just about a year since I first heard the words form my W "I LOVE YOU, BUT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU" "IT IS NOT YOU THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE; IT IS ME THAT HAS CHANGED." " "I WANT TO BE MY OWN PERSON" "I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT" "I WANT A DIVORCE "...ECT ...ECT. Those of you here have heard the same thing from your WAS. Needless to say, like everyone here, I was devastated. I did not know what to do or where to turn for help. Then I found this place. I read other's stories and wrote my own and corresponded with others here, from both side of the fence. There were times early on that I had given up and lost all hope. I was depressed and scared. I felt my world as I have come to know it was over. I came very close to ending my life. If it hadn't been for the encouragement and support I got from the people here, the DB counselors, a few close friends, and my family I would not be here to write this part of my story. I feel that I owe something back to those of you that gave me encouragement, advice and support over the last year. I hope the rest of this post will inspire and encourage others here that have and are going through the same pain as I did. My W and I are back together and we are happier with each other and our lives together than we have ever been before.
This did not happen over night. It took a LOT OF HARD WORK, DETERMINATION, AND LEARNING AND RE LEARNING. I read many deferent books. The first was DB and DR. I read both of these at least twice. I read and corresponded with others on the DB forum. I read other titles like Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus. I listened to CDs by Dr. Phil and others. I searched the internet for other sources to help me understand how things should work. I visited with my PC every week for 8 months. I visited with the DB couches. And finally, I followed my heart, which leads me in this direction. These things helped me chart a course that has brought me to this part of my journey. The most important thing I had to learn was PATIENCE. PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE, AND MORE PATIENCE. This was the first thing I had to learn and practice was PATIENCE. This was the hard part. The second thing I learn that I needed to take care of me first, GAL. Did I say that PATIENCE was a very important factor?
In retrospect, there was no one thing I could point to as a silver bullet. However, actions do speak louder than words. I practice this concept and the 180s as much as I could. Eventually, my WAW saw what I had done and was doing with myself and took a big chance, by opening up to me again. Now, I should say this about that. She is a big reason why we are back together again. She took the chance; she opened herself up for more potential hurt, anger and fear. By giving me an opportunity to demonstrate to her that I have change and will continue to change for the better. I will not allow myself to disappoint her. I have made some major changes, she has made changes and we both know that we will have to work on some of these changes from now on. But it is well wroth it. It does take two to Tango. It also take work on a daily bases for both partners to make and keep the positive changes going and to stop the old ways of doing thing that were negative. Did I say something about having PATIENCE?
To close, in may SITCH it turn out for the better. Regretfully, not all SITCHS will work out as well as mine has, but as long as you have a chance and you want to succeed keep working at it. I hope this post will give you the encouragement that things can get better. Knowing that your SITCH can work out for the better. The understanding that knowledge is power and you have the power to learn new things. Remember to communicate, trust and follow your heart, and be PATIENCE. A wise lady told me "Things will work out the way they are suppose too." Good Luck to you and I hope Things will work out the way they are suppose too,for you the same way they did for me.
I am so pleased you have busted a divorce, it is very encouraging to hear.
Your sitch sounded so much like alot of others here including mine. It sounds like DR'ing and patience is the key here, in my case my wife does not want C, just straight to D. I do not have enough time to DR successfully as the D goes through in a matter of weeks. I will continue to DR and hope she will see that I am a better man for it and may decide to reconcile.
You will know how I and alot of other posters are feeling, but with your inspiration maybe we can salvage our marriages.
Best wishes to you.
Mark
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Just because you are only weeks away from sign the D papers, dosen't mean you at the end. Your are not dead. As long as you are't dead you can still keep trying. It even be a little better. Now you are not working under such strong deadlines. Relax keep working at it. My W did not not want to go to C either. I went because I wanted to make myself better for myself. I did not want to do the same thing over again with my W or some other person in the future.
Hang in there! Keep you eye on the green and not the rough. It is easyer to find your way that way.
Glad to hear your stich has gone full tilt and doing wonderfully. I had always told my W that if we tried, we'd probably be better than before, those ear arent' listening yet, and much like Mark and am only 21 days from judgement day. But, there's still 20 (and OM still )inbetween.
Best wishes, and congrats!
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
You gave me hope again! I'm so happy for you!! I'd like to share my story with you and can you please let me know if there is any hope at all? Here goes:
My husband that suffers from depression left on Nov. 6th and moved in with his father and step-mother. He filed for a no-fault divorce in the middle of Jan. When I got the papers I called him a mess then calmed down waited a couple of hours and called back and told him I will give him what he wants and he had NO clue to what I was talking about. I said the divorce and he said he didn't want it and then changed the subject really quick!!
He stopped taking his meds 3 weeks before he left and I had no clue! Thought he was just stressed due to work etc. He was snapping at me and the kids..little things and then all of a sudden left. Said it was the marriage creating his depression.
His parents do not believe in depression so they agreed. We have been married 13yrs. and they weren't in our lives with his last episode so they have NO clue. He started to take his meds. at the end of Jan. and by the end of Feb. was calling and joking around. That lasted for 2 to 3 weeks then all of a sudden back to the angry husband! Oh, by the way his parents are pushing for the divorce.
Here he admitted to me that he stopped taking the meds again saying he didn't need them and wasn't taking pills the rest of his life. At first I begged and pleaded for him to come home and then I stopped.
I purchased Divorce Busting and trying very hard not to call or anything! This weekend coming he is finally getting his own place, which my counselor said from the beginning if he would just get out of their house and be on his own he will realize what he has done! She counseled him before for his depression but now he refuses any help at all!
Me and my daughter go because we are a mess (she is 12yrs. old). My son from a previous marriage is also very bitter but he is 18 and I can't make him go. He claims he's ok but he's not. This is the only father he knows plus my in-laws and my husband don't bother with him at all since the separtation!
These are people that claim I was the best thing for him (my husband) and that they loved all of us soooo much and not even a phone call to see how we are doing!!!! They know how financially hard it is on me and the kids and also know that I have no other family! Dad passed years ago and mom is sick with brain tumors!! Not only did he leave us but so did they! I love him so much and now I'm in a deep depression and don't know where to turn or what to do!!
Then over his visit with our daughter on the weekend she came home very upset because he had my name (tatoo) removed. She wants him to come home so bad and I told her everything will be ok either way. I don't know why he had to do that or why he would do it! I understand that when depressed he is a very angry person and doesn't think clearly but this pushed me and her over the edge I think.
Then we have a hearing on May 15th because he is in contempt of court for not going to our daughter's counseling appointments and he just drops it!! Well is lawyer does!!! He didn't even go in the room!!! His step-mother did!!! He does not want to even see our daughter now!! This was his baby girl!!! How do we go on from here??? Has anyone out there had their in-laws involved in making the decisions?? I'm so scared right now!! Our family is and has fallen apart!!!
I had read your stich earlier. I am sorry that you and yours are going through all of this. I understand that you do not want to be here, pouring your soul out to strangers. But believe me when I say that this is the place to tell it all. You sent certainly can not say some of these things to your H, in-law or kids. There is a lot of other here that may be able to help you more than I can. I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert on depression or a MC. However, I am a man that has found that my depression had a major impact on my M. So let me tell you what I have learned about my bout with depression. May be you can extrapolate my personal experience into to what you are dealing with and maybe in some small way help.
First of all, I have been a male for over 55 years. With my limited experience as a male I have found through some reading and research that I am not an uncommon as males goes. I am a cave dwelling, signal task, macho male that will not ask direction, are admit when I am wrong ... even if I know I am wrong. It is every other persons fault and I do not think I need to change. I do not want advice from my W unless I ask her for it. But, on the other hand I freely dispense my advice to her, even when she doe not ask for it. I do not show love or my emotions readily, but expect to be and get love when I need it. However, I now know all of these things about me (men) and how they made a major negative impact on my R and M. It took a lot of hard work and practice on my part to changes, adapts, and correct my ways of doing things. This maybe why your H is acting the way he is about his medical needs and is what is wrong with your relationship. He is a normal male. Like me once he understands these attributes of a male and is willing to make the require corrections and works at it he can improve. If he wants too.
I accidentally found out I was and had been clinically depressed for some time. I am do one that likes to take pills (that the male it me). But when my C and MD suggest I start taking anti-depressants, because of my emotional rollercoaster ride I was taken after the W drop the BOMB. I agreed to take the pills for depression. After things started moving in a positive direction in our R/M and my emotional state of mind was much better, I started looking to get off the anti-depressants. My MD suggested that I stay on them, because he thinks that I am clinical depressed and should continue taking them.
As I reflected back in my past with my C, I realized that I had been depress for years and did not know it. I came from a family that did not believe in taken pills for depression. The general rule then was to QUIT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF, GET BACK TO WORK AND THINK POSITIVE. Not that I was not allowed to go to the doctor as a kid, my Mom used and believed in home remedies in place of paying a Doctor for stuff she could fix with a home remedies. After taking the pills for about 6 weeks, I found myself, less angry, less scared, and I did not have that awful anxiety feeling. I was pleased with my emotional rebalance. I have not lost my cool with any one in the last 8 months. I have not had any anxiety attacks and I have not been scared to stand up for myself at the job. This medication has allowed me apply the things I have learned about men vs. women and become a better Husband, father, friend, and lover. As I said in my post titled My Final Post, I was determined to succeed in improving myself either for my W or someone else. It seems to have worked for me.
There is one important thing that needs to be said here. There are no innocent parties here. Everyone in every stich has a role to play. Everyone has to take responsibility for their respective actions. For a relationship to get better, stay better and improve with time, both parties have to share in both the good and bad things that we did to make our relationship move to the point that we are here on the forum asking for help. All parties involved have the responsibility to make change as needed and accept those changes that have been made. To recognize what the other has done to improve the relationship. Unfortunately, not every stich will work out the way we would like. There as many reason for failure as there are for success. There is NO SILVER BULLET, NO MAGIC SPILL, A FROG TO KISS OR A LOVE POTION NO. 9. Just hard work, dedication, communication, and patience, patience, patience.
I am sorry I got so wordy. I know I did not give you answers you were looking for. But I told you what I have found to be true for me and my stich.
Good Luck!!!! Keep your Eye on the Green and not the rough.
No .... I have not heard anything from her since February. The last thing she said that H was not doing the things he said would do and that the D was moving forward. She was going out and meeting other people and having fun.
I wish she would read my last post and see how things are for me. She was my biggest supporter and gave me the courage to go forward.
No .... I have not heard anything from her since February. The last thing she said that H was not doing the things he said would do and that the D was moving forward. She was going out and meeting other people and having fun.
I wish she would read my last post and see how things are for me. She was my biggest supporter and gave me the courage to go forward.
)inbetween.