Hello I’m new here but have been reading posts for the last couple of weeks. It’s good to know that I am not alone and that there are others with similar stories. Here’s why I am here….(please bare with my typing and rambling)
Not sure where to start as my life has been turned upside down. Six weeks ago I found my w with om from her past having an ea. She says it was not pa yet. After the initial blow I couldn’t believe what she was saying. “I want to be with him and not you”, “we were done a long time ago.” This wasn’t the woman that I had married. We have been married for 8 yrs and together for 13. We have two beautiful daughters 3 and 5. I know we have had problems for some time now and she even called an A last fall but I had no idea that this was coming. We were doing better, I had thought. So I asked her to go to a mc with me and we did the following day where she dropped the ILUBINILWU bomb and “there was no connection between us anymore” and she had been unhappy for some time now. I couldn’t believe it when the mc told her, that if she wasn’t happy then she should leave and be with him and “sounds like your using this ea as a bridge to leave this marriage.” I was speechless! I tried to tell her that I can change and all she said is that “you can’t guarantee that and I only live once.” She told me that she thought it would be better if she started new with the om and she doesn’t want to hurt him so she moved out to a family members the next day with the girls. I was a wreck. I knew I couldn’t stop her so I just begged and chased her for the next week like a fool, which just made her angry and pushed her farther away. She is a huge cake eater and she even said it at one point ” I want my cakeand want to eat it to.” I found out that she had dropped the girls off one day at mil and I went there and tried to talk to her.It was really awkward. My w showed up a while later with a big vase of flowers in the front seat from the date with om. At that point she wouldn’t even talk to me unless it was about “when are you going to take the girls.” It was hard for me to spend time with the girls though as I knew she was just dropping them off so she could be with om. I was real emotional and couldn’t give them 100% that they deserve. I couldn’t hide it no matter how hard I tried. I ended up going to the doctors and got on some AD’s. It was three weeks after I found them that she dropped the other bomb that she had signed the papers! I was devastated, and felt like I had part of me die that day. I won’t ever forget the cold look on her face as she told me right in front of the girls when she picked them up after i had them all weekend. She even told me that she doesn’t feel guilty at all and I believe it as I have yet to see her shed a tear through all of this. I didn’t say anything and just turned and walked away as she drove off. I called her later to see if she was willing to talk without the kids and she agreed. We met and I asked her if she was still seeing the om and she was silent. She then told me she will never tell me the truth ever. I cried like a baby and was, yet again, in disbelief that this could be my wife that I love so much. I had a hard time that night. Thoughts of suicide and everything. I have been going to counseling every week , talking to family, and have yet to have a day go by where I don’t shed tears. It was then when I found Stop your Divorce and started pulling away from her and stopped the I love you’s and begging. Started working out again, doing things around the house, and spending time with the girls. I was doing well for about a weekand then I had a huge slip when I had been balling and called to say goodnight to the girls and started begging, she got angry again and was yelling at me "we are done” and that I need to move on. I found this site shortly after that and bought a copy of TDR and started working on my GALing the next day. I still don't know what to do with the hearing only 2 months away....to little to late?
MrMom, There are a lot of people on these boards who will take exception to the notion that it is ever really too late to bust a divorce. Your sitch sounds dire, and most are, but there is hope as long as you want to believe that there is hope. Your W is in the middle of an A-fueled euphoria. Nothing that you can say or do right now is going to have any positive effect. What you say and do can have a negative effect, as you have seen. What you need to do is start following what the books in your possession, and the advice that you are reading here on these boards is telling you to do: detach and work on yourself and your kids right now. GAL! Stop pursuing, crying, begging, doing R talks and the like. You are driving her away with that kind of behavior.
You will hear this a lot: you can't change her, nor can you change her thinking. All you can do is take care of yourself and your kids. As usually are not the panacea that the WAS thinks they are in the beginning. They are "in love" and so they have all the endorphin-crazed feelings, but as they newness of the A wears off, she will discover that the grass really isn't greener over there. Think about it: your W is leaving her primary relationship to be with this OM. This OM knows she is M, right? And still he is pursuing? Sounds like a match made in hell if you ask me. Once they start being themselves with each other, and come down off of their pedestals that they have placed each other on, you will have a chance to effect some change, but only if you start making the improvements in your own character, and life that will be attractive to your W. You may even find that after getting a life and becoming a stellar Mr. Mom to your kids that you, and not her, becomes the WAS.
In the short-term, keep your chin up; exude a positive attitude and stop the pursuit. Be happy when she is around and fawn over your kids. Be the perfect Dad for them, and become the better man for yourself. You can do it! keep posting here for advice and keep updating us with your sitch. Good luck friend.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
PortlandDad, Thank you so much for helping shed light on this and your kind words.
I haven't lost hope. That and taking care of my girls and myself (and our dogs) is all i have now. I have come to realize that. Its been hard to detach though as I see her every day when we transfer the kids.
Mr. Mom....you may need to protect yourself from seeing her for child drop off. Could you ask her to drop off the kids at a relative or friends house so you can avoid seeing her? The point here is so that you can garner your strength and not breakdown with sadness again every time you have to see her. This is not unusual for couples to do. Sometimes they do it so as not to cause fights in front of the kids. You both do need to sheild the kids from your own emotions to an extent.
Sorry you are hear and you sound so devastated...my heart goes out to you.
Thank you DK I think I will try to have my mother take them for the switch.
Thank you JKL I have lots to learn and will be doing a lot of reading.
I met W at her work this afternoon as planned to pick up the girls and she handed me the D papers right in front of the girls. She had been to the house and said she found them on the door. The only thing she said was "At least they didn't go to your work." I just said great and acted as if. Put a big smile on for the girls and scooped them up and headed. Said bye peacefully and left it at that. I'm on the search for an attorney now. Court date is 8/5. I really don't know what else to do at this point.
I'm trying my best to put all of this aside for the girls. I have to admit that I cant be 100% still. We had a great time last night though. Went to the playground then went to grandmas for dinner and then home and baked cookies. They love to cook with me. (why they call me MR Mom) Bath time and then stories. My oldest is turning into a great reader now. Seems like yesterday that she just started to talk. Her first word was "Da" in the carseat when we were driving.
Talked to an A today and was told to "hold on and its going to be a rough ride" as her A is known to be a real shark. I still can’t believe this is happening. Not only loosing my best friend, my family and now I find out that I will have to put the house up for sale and find a new home for the four dogs. And to top that the value of the house is less then what we owe due to buying it right before the economy crash. I really feel lost here. I know if I try to reason with her it will just fall on deaf ears and just make her angry. She is just so obsessed that she’s not even there. Any support/advice would be really appreciated.
Just my 2 cents, but your W sees you the way you're seeing yourself ... as a Mr. Mom. What she's looking for is a "MAN". The reason I say that is because of the way she's been disrespecting you. For some reason, our WASs enjoy belittling the LBS and making them appear to be the bad guy.
The first thing they do is to do what a bully would do. To start seeing the victim as someone of a lesser value than them. You'll find it all over the boards here. Well the first thing you need to do is "man-up" and get the respect from her back. You need to take the control away from her and put it back in your hands. She's controlling your life like a puppet master or a worm wriggling around on a hook. Dig in and put your foot down.
The thing that stops us LBSs from asserting ourselves is the same thing that is driving our WAWs...FEAR. We are afraid of pushing them away or getting them mad so we don't say anything. In the meantime, they walk all over us like a bully. Well, the one way to stop bullying behavior is to stand up to it.
You'll find out from other posters on the boards that once the LBS stood up to their spouses by laying boundaries and taking back their control, the spouse would often start to soften.
So no begging, pleading, crying, etc. and take back the control of your life. Start applying the DB principles by changing what you can and want to change. Make mini goals and take it one step at a time. Change takes time.
Become a better man than the OM she's infatuated with right now. Become larger than life for you and your kids. You can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
