Have you and your L considered offering a buyout on the spousal support? I did that and was able to pay off the whole kit and kaboodle by refinancing my house. One drawback for you is that you cant write it off on your taxes like you can with monthly spousal support. Also, an alimony buyout may be better for your STBXW because she would get money to buy her house and she wont have to pay tax on it like she would with monthly alimonly.
It would be to your advantage to get the financial portion agreed on soon before your STBXW loses her job.
It's going to hit her hard. She is focusing all of her attention on fighting you, winning, and making you out to be the "bad guy". When this is all said and done, and the focus is not on fighting, she will be left with the mess all around her. I feel sorry for her because I really don't think she realizes what's going to happen. I'm sorry this is happening, Lost. Hang in there...right up until the end. I just told this to H4h. It's not over until it's over. Keep yourself busy, make positive changes in your life, and focus on those kids. I can't imagine the pain they are feeling.
I have to echo wahtdid on this. She hasn't a clue. Heaven help her if she actually sits down to see what she has done/is doing. It won't be a pretty picture.
I think the one big reward we get out of going through this the way we have, ie via support group, we have really learned more about ourselves then we ever imagined. We are pretty strong people and we are becoming better and happier every day.
Hope you are making a great day for yourself. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Ok just looking for some advice on what I am dealing with.
Learned tonight (via D16 friends' moms) that W and one of the EGF have somehow convinced D16 that the affair was "just a romantic love story that was destiny". D16 explained the issues here that way to her friends.
How the hell am I supposed to deal with that? Am trying to get the counseling but it is a slow process. And D16 told friends this in confidence.
What a load of CR@P!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suggestions? I haven't been this in a LONG TIME!
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
It is a load of cr@p. But, remember, your W probably truly believes this. In fact, there are many people that believe this. The best person to talk to your daughter would be a pastor or priest and yourself. Try not to get angry. Just give your daughter the facts. If you haven't told of the affair to them yet, it looks like you are going to have to. I would also make sure to not "blame" your wife or your D will just think you don't like her (your w) and that is why you are saying those things. Something along the lines of "When someone is in an affair they think and say things that they would not normally say....,", "I love your mother, but she made a choice to have an affair instead of working on the marriage," etc.
This is your daughter's mother, who your daughter loves very much and always will. Talk about the choices your wife made, what's happened because of it, and what COULD have been done. You won't stop your daughter from loving/supporting her mother, but you can hopefully allow her to see the truth of the situation.
This is just getting stupid. Got e-mail from NAB (formerly referred to as W) titled "Summer Vacation". It read: "In order to avoid conflict I thought I would let you know in plenty of time that the kids have indicated they would like to spend the July long weekend and a few extra days at the cabin. My vacation time has been approved for this. I will let you know later exactly what days we plan to be away."
When I received it I was pis$ed!! No advance consultation. What if that was my weekend and I had plans. And who gives a $hit if her vacation was approved already...
My response was: "Thanks for the note. Pleanty of time to see how this works out."
Grrrrrrrr. Thoughts? How to handle better? Should I have just said OK?
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
She has vacation time??? Heck she may not even have a job then. If it is here days fine but she needs to be working out extra time with you, not just notifying you!! Child custody is on the burner for me so I am not the best one to give advice. No reason to say fine, because we know it isn't.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
No, she shouldn't have done that obviously without checking with you first. Check your schedule, and if it doesn't work out, then too bad for her. If it does, maybe you could email her that, but suggest that she may want to check with you first next time before making those kind of plans, so if there's a conflict, it won't be a problem?
LS, yes what your W is saying is ! She maybe does believe that, or at least tries to tell herself and others that, so she won't have to feel the guilt and self-blame she would prob. feel if she was facing reality. I think time will take care of that: your children will get older and realize what she's saying is a crock of bull, and there's about a 99% chance that her affair will fail, and then that will make it even more obvious. Just continue being the truthful, dependable awesome role model you are being, and your kids will realize everything more as time goes on I think. Karen
No, she shouldn't have done that obviously without checking with you first. Check your schedule, and if it doesn't work out, then too bad for her. If it does, maybe you could email her that, but suggest that she may want to check with you first next time before making those kind of plans, so if there's a conflict, it won't be a problem?
