A note that might help someone who is afraid to confront his or her SSM...
This weekend, my H stated that he needed me to reach a point of refusing to live without sex. He needed an awakening to help him prioritize sex because he is always consumed with worry about doing well in his job, making money, and providing for the family. Because he was focused on survival, putting any sort of energy into intimacy didn't even occur to him. He also stated that once he realized that he *had* to focus on our intimacy, he was pleasantly surprised to find that he does have a natural drive and that his life can be happier with sex and a happy wife.
(We're only just beginning our sex-fed marriage, so I'm not claiming that we are "all fixed".)
My point is: Don't be afraid to be absolute when stating your needs, because your conviction and holding firm may be exactly what your spouse needs to begin his or her inward exploration and discovery.
I'm so happy for you Lucky. I'm just almost swooning with how romantic it is, the fact that you and Mr. Lucky are now beginning to ignite your passion and fire...knowing in my heart that you are headed toward a bliss that neither of you have experienced before....
I'm so glad that you did tell him straight up what he could have possibly lost. Also so glad you found "us" and other resources before you got close to walking away. I know if you hadn't stumbled on these resources, then about another year or two from now (assuming there had been no changes) you would have had one foot out the door. When it gets to that point, its very hard for the nearly-LBS to make any changes that will help. But you sought out help BEFORE getting to that point, thankfully. And because of that, you very likely saved your own marriage.
And because Mr. Lucky DOES indeed have a sex drive, you are now very likely headed toward a fairy tale ending....
(tweet tweet...birdies flying around your heads....balloon hearts popping in the air....hey wait a minute, how did a leather whip get in with these Disney pictures in this romantic fantasy?)
LOL!
OK I'll go and update my own thread now, and I have to inquire about a few other peeps around here on their threads...ie: where IS everyone???
This weekend, my H stated that he needed me to reach a point of refusing to live without sex. He needed an awakening to help him prioritize sex because he is always consumed with worry about doing well in his job, making money, and providing for the family. Because he was focused on survival, putting any sort of energy into intimacy didn't even occur to him. He also stated that once he realized that he *had* to focus on our intimacy, he was pleasantly surprised to find that he does have a natural drive and that his life can be happier with sex and a happy wife.
And with that, you've just proved your avatar correct, LuckyGirl.
You and I are both EXTRAORDINARILY lucky to have spouses who woke up to smell the coffee, and Got It! with regard to joining us in the process of rebuiding the marriage: for their own benefits as well as ours.
I've been keeping some loose statistics, and have observed that this happens in only about 10% of the cases that come to this board, over the past couple of years since I joined it. That is not to say that everyone who shows up here shouldn't take your advice and TRY, but the track-record is a bit shy on success stories. We need to hear more of them!
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Well, the statistics are interesting, but I wonder how many people who come on here really keep pushing and reading and trying before accepting defeat. That last talk I had with H was pretty intense, possibly harsh, because I just had to spell out what was at stake (thanks to one of Robx's posts). It was the most blatant talk we've had yet, and then I broke our pattern of me following our talk with backing off and waiting. Instead, I pushed again through playful suggestion a couple of days later. This was not easy to figure out, and I wonder how many people are so discouraged by the time they find this board that they give up easily. Of course, there are so many factors to consider. I AM extraordinarily lucky in that I found this place before ruining my marriage (and my son's potential family experience) by cheating or leaving.
I still wonder if his low T is going to be a constant struggle for him to maintain interest. I wonder if we'll be able to keep this going without some kind of T therapy. That's looming in the back of my mind. But, I hope that the more we "do it", the more he will want it.
We still have to climb the dysfunction mountain, too...
And, there's so much exploration to be done!!!
Thanks, Baggy. I'm so grateful to everyone here. It is difficult to express how important you all are to my life.
In general, things are still going well. Chugging along.
H has been exhausted lately because of extra projects going on at work, and (understandably) hasn't been connected or available for the past few days. I initiated the other night when we went to bed (started with a make-out session,) but he had an allergy headache and needed to lay still.
Yesterday, he sent me a sexy text from work and then later came to bed and ravaged me last night. (Hooray!) We encountered our typical condom annoyances, but worked around it rather well.
I had a peaceful moment while driving yesterday, thinking about how grateful I am just to know myself better and to know more about what I want with regard to intimacy. As with any pursuit, understanding the goal is one of the most important steps. So, I feel good about that.
Thanks again for everyone who helped me get where I am now, with plenty of practical advice, a dab of philosophy, therapeutic exploration, 2x4's and all!
We encountered our typical condom annoyances, but worked around it rather well.
Are you guys all done having children, or is there some potential for more?
If the answer to this "Yes, we're done, definitely done," and you (as the woman) are at or near the end of your "safe" child-bearing years (nearing 40ish), then I have one word for you:
---> Vasectomy.
It's one of the best things the two of you can do for you sex life. Trust me.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I'm 38 and totally waffling about having another child. Hence the stupid condoms. (I love that Seinfeld episode where George is struggling to open the wrapper and he mutters something like, "Are you supposed to open it like a bag of chips??" Though... That isn't our problem, as I think I've described in previous posts.)
Believe me, vasectomy is on our horizon within the next 5 years! It WILL be such a relief.
I fully support the vasectomy idea. I had one myself after our 3rd child.
(Of course, I was all excited about it and the prospect of more free, more enjoyable sex, but for some reason my W was not sharing that with me...and then 1 month later came the bomb. The EA had been going on all along.)
But even with that, the vasectomy brought me a ton of relief. I always hated condoms!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
The wait is perfecntly understandable. You both have to be sure before taking a non-reversable step.
Once mine was done (during the same six-month separation in which I vowed to piece my marriage back together again) it was a -significant- relief to my wife, and has permitted her to enjoy sex much more, without any nagging "what ifs...." For my part, I never want to wear a 'raincoat' again: it became our primary BC measure after our last son was (accidentally) conceived, and after a few years of that, I detested them.
In your case, I would strongly suggest your working with your husband to find intercourse positions (that you can sustain) that provide the highest level of frenulum stimulation for him, so that he doesn't lose his arousal state (I -think- that's what you said was happening). If you like, I can share a couple here, which also provide excellent G-spot stimulation, which is why I adopted them -- primarily for my wife's benefit.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Because of the ED issue, we have been exclusively in missionary from start to finish. I think we're both afraid of changing positions after the last episode that produced so much anguish for him.
