Setting Boundaries for MLC Alien H

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Me and my wife are married, better than ever before. I am glad for having gone through this hell but I'll only go through it once. I will also say that I would have been glad even if me and my wife were not still married.

I am still DBing, because it is a way of life. Learning to talk and communicate not take each other for granted and speaking up for yourself in good ways. So I will always be DBing...

I'm here because I'm addicted to this place and trying to help people. : ) Seriously I can help people here, and I feel indebted to DB for the lessons I have learned.

[In Limbo]

JTB,

You've no idea how comforting it was to just read your post, that you're still married and here to try to help people thru this. I went to C today and while he is very pro-marriage, he doesn't see why I should continue to put up with all H is doing. By the time I left, I was really questioning if there was anything to DB other than preparing myself for life alone and if I am a fool for sticking around. Maybe it's my codependency that's making me stick with a relationship that isn't worth fighting for? I think those are things I'll continue to evaluate, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

There is more to our historical sitch that I haven't gotten around to posting and maybe now is the time. I think it will help me to journal it and may help someone else give me better advice.

After dating in high school, thru college and a year after we got married (7 yrs dating). In a period of 7 years, H lost his dad (military casualty), his only sibling (freak accident) and 3 grandparents. He never dealt with any of that. The entire 22 years I've known him, he's only cried 3 times and he refuses to talk about his dad or his sister at all. After we had our first child is when we both acknowledge that things began to fall apart. I was a superstar at the company where we both worked and was being promoted like crazy. While he won't admit it, I believe that was hard for him (especially since we worked for same company). He didn't want to grow up and continued to party and not be involved as much as a dad as I would have liked and I didn't cut him any slack. Eventually, we moved 2 times for his career and I let mine take a backseat, thinking that would help the R and our family (more time for me with boys). But over the next 7 years we just continued to grow apart.

Three years ago, I almost became a WAW. I was fed up feeling like a single mom with H to take care of also, felt H was being emotionally abusive to kids, etc. After trying (I thought) to talk about it, trying to get H into MC, etc. I filed for D. I was influenced by well-intentioned family and friends and a L that convinced me there was no other option. After filing, I changed my mind and one night we just started talking and it led to reconciliation. I committed then that I would never again leave or use D as an option. BUT, big mistake was we didn't get into MC and really didn't deal with any of the issues. Also, I was never able to really get beyond what H had done and see all the MANY ways I contributed and changes I needed to make. End result was we went back to old ways and things ended up worse than ever, leading up to EA by H and where we are today. I believe H was entering MLC before I filed and a year ago it hit full force. Or maybe what I did triggered it to go from depression to MLC?

At any rate, I feel different from many of the LBS because I knew there were problems, just didn't know how to fix them or what to do to even try. The night I found the emails between H and OW, I wanted him gone, wanted out. But then the next day an awareness began to creep over me of all the things I've done wrong and all the things I need to change and how I am not responsible for H's EA, but have played a part in the R crumbling to the point he had a void the EA filled. It's the first time in our relationship that I really was able to see past his faults and see my own. That's when I realized that if there is any way to make this work, I want a new M between us. It's also when I realized that I HAVE to not just find myself, but develop a better me. So I guess it's no wonder H left, no wonder he doesn't see any hope for M, doesn't know who I am (heck, I don't even know). But I love H, have hope and will hold onto that as long as I can.

Sorry for the long post...I'm giving Sandi and run for the longest post!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Sorry for the long post, full of good information...?

But then the next day an awareness began to creep over me of all the things I've done wrong and all the things I need to change and how I am not responsible for H's EA, but have played a part in the R crumbling to the point he had a void the EA filled.

You are so far ahead of the game right now...you have no idea.

This is amazingly good stuff for you. : )

BTW in 20 minutes I go home for the day and I am not on the computer when I am at home. My failing in my marriage was I ignored my wife and children by being on the computer and playing computer games all the time. Like some virtual world where I'm a level 60 spell caster actually means something of worth somehow. : ) So I'm not ignoringyou I'm just not around.

You want a time killer? Go look for my old posts...or Brand New Days, she is a good one to read.

[In Limbo]

JTB,

Have a wonderful night and enjoy your family. I'll go look for your posts. It's a true blessing to have someone who gets this craziness to talk with. I think it says a lot about your character that you were able not just to save your M but also to keep coming here and helping others.

Take care!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I'm not always this nice if you re screwing up...bear that in mind. Good night.

[In Limbo]

Just when I thought I was doing well tonight...I go downstairs and find a receipt for another movie H bought for OW. The movies were Serendipity and Love Actually (H mentioned to OW in emails that it was no coincidence they met and hit it off when they did). That, coupled with the titles of all the songs he's been putting on CDs for her has me totally deflated right now. How do you know if your MLCer is one that actually has found his soulmate and you aren't it? How do I know if H is not the one I'm meant to be with? How do I know anything right now? I know, I know...if I detach and GAL then I'll be ok either way. But that is of no comfort right now. God, this hurts.

[kjensen]

Hi IL,
Last posting before my trip. Others here will tell you to protect yourself financially-so think about how you might go about doing that. I did have a hard time thinking that my H was spending our money on the OW-just plain wrong. Thankfully, he has only been spending his business' money on his stuff since he moved.

JTB has great advice. I read Brand New Day's and Yellowrose's threads for info.

I can relate to realizing that you had a part in getting the relationship where it is. Hard realization, humbling. Doesn't excuse the MLC behavor, but it is healthy and good to realize we aren't perfect either and definitely have room for improvement. So use the time to improve yourself whether it ends up helping improve your M to H or a relationship with someone else some other day...

My D11 has lots of meltdowns. She did when she was little and H travelled for work..changes in routine do it for her. It is hard and I can easily get fried and that is when I have my pityparty cries after the kids are asleep. Then I wake up with Lovely PUFFY eyes(after age 40 they just don't deflate quickly!)

Hang in there. Find a way to do something for yourself now and then. I wish you a Happy Mother's Day-your sons are lucky to have you as their mother!

[In Limbo]

Since H began working such long hours and going in at 5am a couple of years ago, one of the things we have often done is to go to an early morning breakfast as a family. This has continued about once a week even since separation. With the extra distance this week and H's seemingly increased infatuation/addiction to OW, I had not even thought about having breakfast this week. I was honestly hoping not to have to face H until late Friday night when he came home. But at 4am this morning the phone rang and H asked if we would meet him for breakfast. Not alot of "conflicts" I could say I had to be unavailable, so I said sure. I got myself up and made sure I looked as well as one can at 5am (cute clothes, makeup, hair, the whole bit). On the way there it occurred to me that the more I imagine life without him as H, the more I try to come to terms with him loving OW, the easier it is to detach. It gets harder when he's home and behaving like we're still together (hanging out with kids, joking around, ML). So I guess I've got to figure out how to detach without pushing him away. It goes back to fear, I guess. If I can stop being afraid of what might happen if....and just live my life the way I know is best for me and the boys at this crazy juncture, then things would probably be better.

At breakfast, I was cheerful and did not initiate any physical touch and avoided all "hot topics". As he was leaving, he hugged me, looked into my eyes and said ILY. I'm not sure according to DB if I should say ILY back, but just not say it first or what. So I said ILY too. He asked me "what's wrong" like he always does, no matter how I act. It makes me want to scream b/c he KNOWS what's wrong and I really don't want to talk about it and just wish he'd quit asking. I just smiled and said "nothing, why?"

I will not contact him today or tomorrow and when he gets home tomorrow night I will be cheerful and doing my best to act "as if." This weekend, I will not bring up R or OW or any other "hot topic." It just seems so fake right now. I can't confront about OW, can't discuss R and really don't feel like talking about trivial stuff. We had been still ML, but right now I'm not sure I can continue that. My boundary has been that if it feels ok, I'll continue. My concern is if we don't, that may be more fuel for EA to go PA. Not sure if that's valid line of thinking or not. Regardless, I'm going to just be true to what I feel is good and healthy for me.

Saturday night we will be hanging out and having dinner with two ladies he used to work with and their families. I'm usually pretty shy, so I think this would be a good time to do a 180 and show him my new more social self. Plus, they still work with OW so it might be good for it to get back to her that we looked happy together or at least I did or whatever. Know I shouldn't focus on what OW thinks, but the thoughts come to me anyway.

S7 has a baseball game tonight, so that will be a welcome distraction. Need to get more GAL going, but with the kids' activities it's a challenge. I'll have to try harder.

[peacetoday]

I like your idea for a 180 with the woman friends for dinner
your are doing well..
peace

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Limbo,

You continue to impress the heck out of me.

It goes back to fear, I guess. If I can stop being afraid of what might happen if....and just live my life the way I know is best for me and the boys at this crazy juncture, then things would probably be better.

EXACTLY!!!

If I can stop being afraid of what might happen if....

Oh it is hard to do...but look, the LBS is the one that is in control of the situation. You don't believe me right now...that fine. You stick this out and you will. Its not really about control or power...but you have it. Any time you want to quit and its over, the relationship might get better because you aren't giving up, you're still married because you decided to be married. Your choice to do what many find themselves unable to. Your chocie to be a doormat...for a little while.

Physical contact is your choice. For some it works for some it doesn't...I will say this Limbo and I am sorry for it. Get used to the idea of an physical affair. Most of them have one, and really...nothing you do or don't do will prevent or stop it. It is not about you, you cannot fix anything this is one of those sucks lessons about that...you cannot fix it, you cannot stop it.

Acting as if...doesn't mean wearing a plastic obviously false smile around.

Him asking what is wrong...you can be honest, and unload and get into an R talk and push him away.

OR

You can be honest and say simply. "I'm just trying to come to terms with this, it will take a little while."

Honest doesn't mean floodgate honesty.

For the record.

"What's wrong?"
"Nothing"

That reply is the foundation to most relationships ending. You stop talking and that just leads to a bunch of other things stopping as well. : )