Our timelines are similar and patience is hard to come by. I'm feeling better - mostly. I frequently wake up at night having dreams or thoughts about H. If I get back to sleep, I'm usually better in the morning. Once I get on with me day, I don't obsess about his activities. And getting on the DB site makes me feel so much better... we can only control ourselves and our actions. WAS actions turned our worlds upside down, but it's up to us to get things right-side up again and continue on our journeys.
I read on this site that Men want what they can't have, or think they can't have... I believe that's true. So, I'm not going to be so available to H. Gotta get on with life, and show H that I'm doing just fine and maybe he'll take notice. If not, I'm going to survive this... I will survive!
Appears OW was at the weekend party with H. Of course, I can't control that or what our friends/his friends/etc. think about the sitch. But, I have to admit tonight that I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.
I wish I was missed. Wish H would somehow acknowledge my existence other than to gather account #s, etc. from for the bills. He called Sat. and I keep re-thinking his tone, questions, etc. So stupid. All he said was "hi" and "how's it going". I wish he'd contact me to see how I'm doing. He's still so cold and disconnected.
And I know I contributed to this with my questions, judgments and pressure. What I'd give for a chance to REALLY apologize and try to give it another chance.
Pretty worried I'm not going to get that chance, especially when he doesn't contact me at all. My former BF would have checked in. This guy just doesn't seem to care.
Go back and read your post just before this journal entry. That's the attitude you want to try to maintain. I know it's hard and this whole thing sucks, but your H is probably deep in A fog right now so he is not himself. If you do not want to actively bust up the A then you must be willing to wait it out.
Yes, you contributed to your issues. But don't beat yourself up over it. The best thing to do is work on you and become the best person you can be. Recognizing your own personal issues and dealing with them will be good for you no matter what happens in your life. And keep in mind that no one is perfect.
I may sound like a broken record but you need to take the focus off of your H and put it squarely on yourself. Worrying about getting the chance to do things differently still makes him the center of your world. That's not going to do you any good.
Get started on those new GAL activities! Do you have that pedicure scheduled? I know the snow the other day was weird but I'm convinced we're done with it now. What about dance classes, book club, and theatre? BTW, those are exactly the types of things I like to do!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thx - you're so right. I have to wait it out and take this time to focus on me.
I don't remember reading much about the 'fog' in th DR. In terms of doing 180s and trying different things for reactions, is the premise basically that until the A fog lifts that nothing the LBS does is going to matter - so take the time to work on yourself and later apply the DR techniques? I started a solution-based journal, but there's been so little interaction that it doesn't seem like I'm getting a chance to experiment.
GAL - nope, I haven't followed up on the dancing, book club or theatre. I'll make that a goal today - thx. I do start tennis next week. Saturday would be a good day for the pedicure and then sandals next week? I hope you're right about the snow - I'm ready for some sun and to plant my vegetable garden. Just a couple more weeks before planting season.
You're right, I don't think there is anything in the book about being in the affair fog. Go over to the infidelity forum and read a few threads there. You'll see that it's a theme. Cheating spouses are so caught up in the emotions of the affair that they are not thinking or acting normally or rationally. Experience shows that while they are fogged out there isn't much you can do to get through to them. Even the DB coaches will tell you that marriage counseling is pointless until you are in stage 3 - return to romance.
That's why I asked if you want to actively work on breaking up the affair or just wait it out. Those are the two main schools of thought and people are passionate about the choices. Let me know if you want more info and I can point you to advocates of both sides and you can read up on what each believes works.
You should still work on DBing. GAL is crucial as are loving detachment and acting 'as if.' You may not have much opportunity to practice 180s but you should know what they are and be ready if/when the occasion presents itself. Also good to start examining behavioral patterns and look for cheeseless tunnels so you know what not to do.
I do hope it warms up next week. I'm starting an outdoor conditioning class on Tues and it's still pretty cold at 6am. And I'd like to get the vegetable garden going too.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thx for explaining the fog more; that makes sense. I looked at the infidelity forum. If you can point me to advocates for 'waiting it out' I'd appreciate that.
FIL is encouraging H to talk with me and the kids, but has no idea if/when that will happen. FIL also said the way my BF got into H's face about not talking to the kids wasn't helpful and in fact probably pushing him further away.
I can't control how other people relate to H. Just how I handle things, and I believe waiting it out and taking this time to work on me is the best way to proceed. Hopefully the A will end sooner rather than later, and maybe the fog will lift.
Try to read whatdidido's past threads. Also, post over there and ask them for help. I can't help any more since I personally do not believe in waiting it out.
I will keep an eye on you so holler if you need me.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
At FIL suggestion and after talking with a friend at work, I sent an email to H tonight. I've been dark for over a month with little reaction so maybe the 180 hasn't been effective (or I just got impatient!). Time will tell.
But since FIL thought I needed to reach out, and he's the only one that H is talking to that is talking to me, I figured it's worth a shot.
Said something to the effect of 'hope you're doing well. The time apart as giving me time to think, reflect and move forward. Hope it's been good for you too. When you're ready (vs. other people's timelines), i think the kids would like to talk. They care about you regardless of our situation and if you want me to be there or talk beforehand, let me know. also said i hoped he was finding some happiness and doing well'. Tried to be friendly but not pushy - he needs to reconnect with the kids, but when he's ready - not when others think he should.
Now I go dark again, and watch to see if there's any change. But it seemed like a good idea.. no pressure, just checking in... the worst that can happen is he doesn't respond, i think. the best would be that he'd respond, and maybe we could work on our friendship a little... rebuild that piece by piece and see where it goes.
As far as GAL, I've got a busy weekend planned without the kids home. My sister and I will get together, I am going to play pool with an old friend, getting a pedicure, and working on some craigslist stuff. Trying to move on with life, and become the woman that only a fool with leave.
No response from H to the email, but he did respond to my text this AM re: unpaid cc bills. Said he's meeting with a credit counselor on mon. 1st indication from him of doing something responsible after moving out so I take that as a good sign. He's just 2 weeks late on 2 bills, but the cc companies are calling already. I'll get back to them after H's mtg on mon.
I asked via text how he was... just a few short msgs back and forth but when I said I was good too, he wrote 'that's good!'. Probably eases his guilt to hear that, but I am trying to give the indication I'm doing all right and moving on. I'm actually starting to believe it. I don't think I've cried all week, and I know I can survive without H if I have to. I really wish he'd warm up to me, and we could rebuild the friendship and maybe more. Baby steps. Maybe this morning's conversation is a small step in that direction, but only time will tell.
you sound positive regarding the baby steps. I hope it keeps going this way for you. I always think that too when H says a comment about how good I'm doing, that it probably eases his guilt!
good on you for not crying this week, it sounds like you are doing well for yourself. Keep busy this weekend and stay positive. Keep up the good work.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
