Do not reveal to your h that you have informationon the affair. Keep your information/knowledge to yourself. Never tip your hand and give up what you know to him.
As for aging...yep...they all do for a while. They are burning the candle at both ends and can't do it. The depression and guilt are what drives the crisis and it takes a very serious toll on them for a very long time. If he's starting to look bad, he'll begin complaining of being sick/aches and pains, etc.
Do what you need to do to protect yourself financially.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Weekends are bad for me as this was when I spent the most time with my H. So thoughts just start whirling around in my head.
It's only been three months since he left and I'm seeing an attorney on Tuesday but I am just so torn on what to do. I haven't seen him at all since mid-March, the only contact we have is either through e-mail to text and mostly it's me asking him where the financial support is. He has become such a mean, nasty person, I don't know who he is anymore. All of my children are pushing me to walk away, file for divorce and move-on.
Part of me thinks I should do that - I cannot understand and I don't like the person he now is. But I keep thinking that the real "him" is in their somewhere and how can I give up so easily? I so don't want my marriage to end but I feel that he's determined to end it.
I know I have to protect myself financially, he's been looking at boats, planes, corvettes. He's practically living with OW - commuting three hours one way just to get there. I just don't know if there is any hope at all.
I might see him next Saturday - our daughter will be in a rowing competition in Philly. I know he's planning on going (he doesn't know that I'm going). I don't even know how to act if I even see him. Ignore him? Be remote but vaguely friendly?
I just don't know what to do.
Jerri Me 50 WAH 47 M 23 years D 22 S 21 S 30 (previous marriage) B 02/09 marriage is over S 02/09 NC
J, When in doubt, do nothing. Sit quietly and patiently for the answers will come.
As for your daughter's rowing event coming up and how to act around him...just act like yourself. Treat him just as you would a friend or a neighbor that you were passing on the street.
You have to do what you have to do in order to protect yourself financially. Do not allow him to leave you in the dust w/nothing. During this time, he will spend every cent he can lay his hands on because he's self medicating with new toys, etc. Financial obligations will take a back seat to his self medication.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well went to see an attorney today. My situation is not good. What my H shows on paper is a pittance to what he actually has. But what he has on paper is what the courts will go by. Our house is mortgaged to the hilt so he could buy his company and now he is hiding all his assets. I would need to hire a forensic accountant which is $$$$$$ and attorney fees alone would probably hit the $30,000 mark - which I don't have.
The other great new is that because I signed our joint tax returns then I could end up in trouble with the IRS as I "knew" about the extra money. We used an accountant I trusted the accountant to do the right thing and now I'm going to be screwed?
My H always told me he'd leave me penniless - looks like he's got the last laugh.
I feel like just packing my clothes and getting on the first plane back home to UK and leaving this nightmare behind me. This sucks so bad.
Jerri Me 50 WAH 47 M 23 years D 22 S 21 S 30 (previous marriage) B 02/09 marriage is over S 02/09 NC
I'm off to a different attorney next Wednesday. See what this one says. But I have more of a plan now re finances.
I finally saw my H after two months. Daughter had a rowing competition and we were both there. He spent all his time running away from me and avoiding me. It would have been funny if it wasn't so pathetic.
I finally went up to him and just said "how how are you?" He got that deer in the headlights look and I swear if he could have jumped in the river he would of. I repeated the question seeing as he didn't answer. He finally replied "oh uh fine. How are you?". I just went "Oh I'm great. See you" and I spun on my heel and left. He continued to avoid me.
Why the hell am I even bothering to try and save this marriage? My H is gone and he is NOT coming back. He has this new woman who apparently is just wonderful. Even better he is leaving wrk early, going in late, taking days off for her - something he NEVER did for me in our entire 23 years of marriage - that makes me sick, all the years I used to beg him to take a day off, come home early and he would simply never do it - now he does it all the time for someone else.
I have absolutey no reason to see him (this was my daughter's last race), or talk to him. So doing 180's is pointless.
I am feeling totally hopeless about my marriage. Oh my daughter wanted to know why I was still wearing my wedding ring....
Jerri Me 50 WAH 47 M 23 years D 22 S 21 S 30 (previous marriage) B 02/09 marriage is over S 02/09 NC
Jerri, I'm glad you are going to seek the advice of another attorney. Sometimes it's best to listen to more than one in order to see what you have ahead of you. Get your ducks in a row, your questions down on paper and be ready to discuss your situation with the new one.
As for your h, he really didn't expect you to be friendly or to inquire about him. The 180 scared the heck out of him. Also, they become very paranoid and if we are nice to them, they think that we are going to screw them over. Just ignore the behavior. It's just emotionally nuts right now.
The way he is behaving is very typical of a man in crisis. The euphoria of the ow, secrets, etc. are driving this this affair. It will get old in time, especially when he doesn't have any more leave to take. It's the exact opposite of what they were like when they were with us. It's rather sad when you think about it.
As for wedding ring...the decisionis yours as to when you want to remove it.
Happy Mother's Day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He has his own business so he can take as much time off as he likes.
At the moment I can't get my wedding ring off. I kind of have a mental deadline that the day I can get the ring off (without cutting it off) is the day I know the marriage is over.
Actually, I don't have any great inclination to take it off. I'm still married - even if he isn't.
Jerri Me 50 WAH 47 M 23 years D 22 S 21 S 30 (previous marriage) B 02/09 marriage is over S 02/09 NC
His business will start having some issues with him being gone a lot. His focus won't be on what needs to be done to keep his business successful. Something is bound to fall through the cracks if he continues taking off. Let's hope not, but when a person's focus isn't on the business at hand, things tend to slide.
As for your ring...maybe it's a sign because you can't get it off. You'll know when it's time to take it off and yes, you are still married.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
