She said she wants to talk tonite. I said ok. I'm sure it won't be pretty but I will maintain my composure.
I'm not looking forward to it honestly. I'm not sure why she always has to be so short with me and take the tone she does.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
You do know you arent required to jump each time your W wants something, right? So what if she wants to talk? Do YOU want to talk? If not then dont.
She is short with you and takes the tone she does with you because you tolerate it. If you are not comfortable with the way she speaks to you then let her know. Set that boundary for YOU and get back some self respect. IMO its perfectly acceptable to say "W, I understand you have some things on your mind but until you feel you can discuss them with me in a even and rational fashion and not talk down to me then no further discussion will take place". And yes, she probably will get pissed at that because WAS dont like having boundaries set. They dont like NOT being in charge of the show. They dont like realizing they arent in full control anymore. She dictates when you talk, when you come over, what you do when you do come over and when you see your kids. She has you on a leash and only you can set yourself free of it.
Stop apologizing to your W for every little thing. It just gives her more power and it shows her that you have no self respect.
Clearly your W does not want to reconcile. So, why do you continue to let yourself be treated like garbage? Chances are either way she wont reconcile right now, if ever. So you might as well stand up for youself and at least not be led around like a puppy.
Not only have you handed all the power to her on a silver plate, you also have handed all the power over to your in-laws. Your actions are helping to form a huge team against you (W, in laws). Break down some of the power you are giving them.
The only way this woman will ever want to reconcile IF IT IS EVEN a possibility, is if you became much stronger around her than you are now.
So if it's NOT going to happen, you should become stronger b/c you want to model that for your kids and oh by the way, YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST MAN YOU CAN BE, FOR YOU AND YOUR LIFE...and IF a reconciliation IS possible it will ONLY happen if you become much stronger than you are now. Either way, get it?
This is hard. But it is NOT COMPLICATED....You make it harder. This is really simple. Be stronger. SO what if you don't "feel stronger"? Become that way or fake it til you make it and that DOES help and works... this is the last time I can say this Kev, but you control how you THINK....and where the head goes, the heart will follow, eventually. So start thinking straight and thinking strong and you will FEEL stronger in time...
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
- Set that boundary for YOU and get back some self respect. - She has you on a leash and only you can set yourself free of it. - Stop apologizing to your W for every little thing. - Why do you continue to let yourself be treated like garbage? - You might as well stand up for yourself and at least not be led around like a puppy.
I COMPLETELY agree with CityGirl and have recently found this power in me. The W got angry and didn't like that I was standing up for myself, but I tell you what --- I'm walking on water right now and my confidence and self-respect has SKY ROCKETED.
My only add is to not be rude and angry when you stand up for yourself, as you will be tempted to be, but acting in a way that you would want your kids to see you (and learn from you) SETTING A BOUNDARY. Go in with a goal in mind, chin up, shoulders back, don't take any more of her sh*t, and accomplish YOUR goal regardless of what she throws at you. She has to get pissed at you for you standing up for what is acceptable behavior before she will ever respect you.
You keep saying you'd "do anything to get your wife back" but that is NOT TRUE..b/c in the next sentence you say you are giving up!! And you admit your emotional development was arrested in your 20s due to drinking too much. That is common with alcoholics and addicts b/c it DOES PREVENT spiritual and emotional growth. People who become addicted early in life are like teenagers b/c they stopped their growth at that point. SO grow up now! Like I said, this is not complicated...it's just hard.
But for someone who says he'd "Do anything for her" to then just "quit" is a paradox. You just said a totally contradictory thing!! & YOU DO have a negative outlook. Maybe your pessimistic outlook was why you self medicated with alcohol..who knows? Who cares? Fix it now.
As for your wife not believing in DBing..why does she even know the term? Please tell me you did not tell her you were doing that? Oh. great. No wonder she does not believe the changes are real. You DID ONLY DO THEM TO GET HER BACK and that is why you are "quitting DBing"... that's like saying "I am quitting the personal growth I was starting, b/c my wife did not come back to me..." thereby proving you missed the whole premise of the approach. IT was not about manipulating and pretending to SEE IF SHE'D CHANGE.... Gee Kev, being a better man does not seem "worth it" to you? Why? b/c how you lived before was so great? You were drunk or hungover or asleep and sleepwalking through your life and NOW YOU ARE AWAKE...do you really want it back the way it truly was?? That is NOT healthy.
DBing is not just about M. The whole GAL and PMA are life skills YOU need. It's about growing inwardly, and then outwardly, and becoming the best man you can become and seeing how your R's with EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE improves as a result. It is NOT about getting YOUR WIFE TO CHANGE...I don't know how you missed that point. Do you see what we are saying now? Do you want to be happy? Then keep growing and keep GAL and developing happiness skills. How can that not be worth it? If you're too down and depressed to think you deserve to be happy, then start a program for it b/c of your d's...then when you are healthier, you'll see that you are worth it and being happy IS something that "even Kevin is allowed to be."
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
W said be prepared to talk about what I am moving out of the house tonite. I'm guessing this is leading to the final divorce decree getting ready to be filed.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I think you are taking this all too personally. She held off on filing the divorce decree until she got you to take care of the kids, the house and the dog while she had her fun weekend. Now she is critical of the way you did it? She could have paid someone to do it. But she didn't. She used you. Now she thinks you didn't do it well enough. That's her problem. Next time, if she really doesn't like the way you do things, she can pay someone.
OK, now she is back from the weekend. Things went well with OM, and she wants to proceed with the divorce. So? What does that have to do with you? Nothing. She would have done this anyway. She only waited to get the weekend away with a free housesitter.
Everything is not your fault. If the kids and the dogs are alive, you did your job.
