I'm wondering, do I take some things I want. It seems that before she had in mind what she wanted me to take and it was basically all the stuff she doesn't want.
If there is something I would like that she also wants, its likely to make her defensive again. She basically wants the nice expensive furniture and wants me to take the rest.
I think I will let her keep the trash can. I'll just buy another one.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
W brought back something for the kids, herself and her dad from Florida. Nothing for me. That kind of hurt. She was handing it out just now.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
W brought back something for the kids, herself and her dad from Florida. Nothing for me. That kind of hurt. She was handing it out just now.
Kevin
If she got you something, you'd think she had changed her mind and you'd pursue her like crazy! She doesn't want that to happen. My wife didn't get me a birthday card yesterday, and I didn't expect one. I'm OK with it. There is too much resentment and anger there for her to do something like that now.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
You let the lack of a present hurt you? Really? You are stronger than that! Hey, my H used OUR money that we had saved for a year to take OW on a vacation WE planned. LOL! And yes, that stung something terrible. But a little trinket from Florida? Shouldnt even be a blip on your radar.
WAS avoid doing anything that they think will give the LBS "false hope" (i.e. bringing you a gift). So, dont let yourself get caught up in false hope and learn to manage your expectations. Right now you should be expecting the final divorce decree to be filed ASAP and that you will soon be a single man and nothing more than a co-parent with your W. That way, if and when that happens you will be ready and if it doesnt, look how strong you got preparing for the worst while still making your life better.
And no, your W doesnt get to keep all the nice stuff and you take all the trashy leftovers. Do you have an attny? If so what has been said about the division of housheold property? I know laws differ by state but my attny basically told me to either (A) work it out between the two of you or (B) declare the value of every bit of furniture and art and we will figure it out that way.
It is stupid to bicker over a garbage can or something like that. But as far as big ticket items go there is no reason for you to get all the sloppy seconds. So, get one step ahead of her. Go room by room and write down the value of each "big ticket item", present it to her and tell her you have come up with a plan to divide things but would like her input as well. Its fair, reasonable and you both get a say. And yes, she will put up a hissy fit because you are setting boundaries but too bad. And if she does continue the conflict simply say.. well, maybe when you have had some time to review we can visit this subject again. Let her know you will be fair and reasonable but no more BS will be tolerated!
Its not the present itself, it was thought behind it and the way she did it right in front of me almost to make a point to me. Why did she need to do it right in front of me? Just to be mean?
So anyways, she had our talk. She critisized me for how D7 looked at the birthday party, for me having the 2 lady friends over last night when the kids got there, for D7's bed having clothes on it even though the rest of the house had been cleaned and laundry done, for having D11's key this weekend and not using the garage door opener. She said she will be taking D11's key back now and that I will not be coming over to the house anymore since I have a place starting Friday. She doesn't want me visiting any during the week this week. Thats fine. I won't. She reiterated that her mom is very pissed at me.
We went through and I pretty much just agreed to the big ticket items I knew she wanted me to take. I told her I'd like the kitchen table as opposed to the one her sister is borrowing. W said no. She said she does the entertaining and it spreads out so she is keeping it.
She offered me the washer and dryer which I will need since the house we were renting already have a washer and dryer. 2 couches she wants to get rid of, microwave since there is already a microwave built into the kitchen, desk chair, dishes. She said she is just going to buy herself all new dishes. I have to buy all 3 beds for me and the girls and dressers. The other furniture is stuff from her mom that she is keeping. Thats fine. She offered me a couple of lamps, our big tv and playstation and a small tv and small stand. She is keeping most of the furniture since alot of it is stuff her parents gave us. So I guess I have no claim to that. I will have to buy more stuff.
She had a rather cold tone to her. It wasn't til the end that I was about to leave that she lightened up a bit and talked a bit about her trip. She asked me again if I wanted her to help decorate the kids room. I said no. I said I am excited about doing it with them. She said ok.
My dad told me tonite that when she starts talking to me from now on just flip her the bird and walk out and be done with her. This coming from a tradional catholic guy who is first and foremost for marriage. He told me I have lost this battle and its over for now. He said only an act of God is going to change her. He said arrange it to where I don't have to see her or hear from her anymore.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Again, who knows why she did it (pass out presents in front of you). But you are obsessing on something you wont ever know and making your W the focus AGAIN. Who knows.. who cares!
Your daughter is 7 and she is old enough to put away clothes on her bed. You should have said... "gee, I guess we need to put more structure in place for d7 so she knows its her job to keep her bed neat".
Personally I would not have listened to a word about her trip. Once she brought it up I would have said "glad you had fun, see you later" and left.
Be glad you dont have to go there anymore and you have your own place. It will be good for you.
Flipping her the bird isnt nice and wont be a good example of your kids of a strong man. But moving on will be.
It is NOT about getting YOUR WIFE TO CHANGE...I don't know how you missed that point. Do you see what we are saying now?
Yes, I see what you are saying. And yes, I got side tracked and kept thinking I could change her back if I just am nice and prove responsible, and am a good father and a good person. I should have been doing it purely for me.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
The thing is, you cant make someobdy "change back" no matter how good you try and become. When a spouse dumps you they really just cant stand it anymore and their mind is made up and there is no changing back to them and if they do reconsider, it takes a long time and really, they need to be on their own first to really take a second look. Once the affair happens it really is tough. Not impossible, but tough. Its all too late for them. But its not too late for you.
I'm not going to flip her the bird. I was just shocked and found it funny that my dad who is ultra catholic conservative said that.
No, flipping her the bird would not be DBing. I have no intention of doing that.
It would not make me the better person to do that.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
