His disinterest was CRUSHING, and I was sure that I had to just suck it up and live life without in order to have the perfect, wonderful man. I thought it was some sort of cosmic bargain. I thought I was a brat for wanting anything more than what he was, because I do believe he is a superior man.
Oh dear, I read this yesterday, wasnt in the mood to post and then today, had to come back and read it again. Because it describes me 2-3 years ago... Of course, the story doesnt end happily for me as it seems, but I am glad I was wrong anyway. It feels good to be reminded, shown, that what I lived wasnt how it should be, you know? I cant explain it very well. My English isnt helping me today. Let's just say, I read this and smiled and felt hopeful.
And I am very happy you get to "live the happily ever after"... or should I use another verb Enjoy your slice of heaven... K
The only reason I am able to entertain building a slice of heaven is because my H is emotionally mature and because he wants the same end goal: a happy marriage and a happy family.
I chose to marry my H knowing there was little intimacy, knowing that I had a big mountain to climb. That was not smart, as I do believe that two responsible adults should work out recognizable issues before marriage. I was weighing the benefits and risks, and I underestimated my need for intimacy and overestimated my magical powers to make him want me, and I doubted that I could stand a lifetime without it. When deciding to marry him, I told myself that needing sex was just reducing myself to an animal. I would punish myself for those wants, telling myself to use my intelligence, throw away the emotions, and get my head out of my crotch. After all, there was a good man at stake who made me happy in so many other ways. I was immature, and I rationalized foolishly so that I wouldn't have to suffer losing him. I also didn't want to go back out there, kissing toads. Hopefully, this phase of work is going to be a sort of productive penance rather than continuing to pay through starvation.
For now, I hope that you create your own slice of heaven by filling your days with your favorite things and activities. As long as you are having fun and doing what you love, you will attract others who want to join in. If no one happens to come along, at least you're having fun and loving yourself!
This weekend, H kept looking at me like a wolf, making suggestive yet playful remarks, and grabbing and kissing me sporadically. He was pursuing me exactly the way I need, AUTHENTICALLY!
Sunday morning, H started making out with me, caressing me all over, holding me as if he wanted to devour me. And then we ML. Heaven...
So, it is confirmed. H has had it in him the entire time. It just took work and communication for him to use it.
I'm still a bit terrified that I might be dreaming. I'm still realistic that our work is not done. There are surely more issues that need to be uncovered and worked through. It should be easier to do so with a sex life in the mix, though!
So, it is confirmed. H has had it in him the entire time. It just took work and communication for him to use it.
Congratulations, Lucky --> success and weekends like that one are what keep the recovery process moving forward. Well done!
That said, do -not- expect that everything is now "all fixed" and the hard work is done. There -will- be bumps and back-slides, and regressions into old patterns of behavior (on both of your parts). Long-term, sustainable change takes daily, conscious effort, particular in the beginning, and it also takes picking yourself up and dusting off, every time you get knocked down. Brunhilde hasn't sung yet!
Alright, enough of my raining on your parade! It was the big P time of the month in my household, so all of my weekend plans got waylaid. Call my grumpy.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Thanks, Baggy. I know it'll be a "bumpy road to recovery", indeed! (Darnit)
Sorry for the TMI, but I don't understand why the big P time of the month is such a barrier. Even if you or she doesn't want direct contact, you can still have intimacy, caressing, kissing, fondling, humping, blow job... with her underwear on. What's the big deal?
When I have my P, I still get turned on, can O, want my H to have fun and get off...
Sorry for the TMI, but I don't understand why the big P time of the month is such a barrier. Even if you or she doesn't want direct contact, you can still have intimacy, caressing, kissing, fondling, humping, blow job... with her underwear on. What's the big deal?
SHE doesn't feel comfortable with it, and so the gate goes up. She often feels bloated, crampy, and generally not up-to-par during that time frame, and I know that she feels decided unsexy also. I also know that she will occasionally Vibe-O herself during her period, but it's one of those areas where there is still disparity between her personal, private sexuality, and what she will display with another person.
Everything you mentioned above would be fine with me, but the P boundary is still one that I'm asked to respect -- and so I do. I've pushed it a little on occasion, but in general, a few days of "off limits" per months isn't a big problem.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
OK, but you're still racy and sexy with her during that time, right? Just to keep the tone consistent so that she doesn't only equate that tone with your expectation for action? IOW, you don't totally back off, right?
OK, but you're still racy and sexy with her during that time, right? Just to keep the tone consistent so that she doesn't only equate that tone with your expectation for action? IOW, you don't totally back off, right?
No, I don't back off, at least not initially. What commonly happens each month is that -she- backs off from being touching and affectionate --> disappearing behind her 'shield' or into her shell, without even realizing it. She focuses on doing her own thing, handling her own family responsibiilties, and all affection, and loving words / actions are simply 'echoes' of what I bring to her ("I love you," "I love you too," type stuff). This goes on for about a week after her P starts, and even if I do initiate and drag her to bed with me, her body often doesn't want to respond, even if she mentally -may- want to. I suspect that it's a hormone thing, a 'slump' in T levels or some such that we have to ride through each month, although there is some history there too (see below).
She generally won't even realize that she's pulled away from me, affection and touching wise because doing so on a regular, daily basis is something that she still has to force herself to do, especially if she initiates it -- it's not natural yet. So during this time period, she unknowingly backs away from that conscious effort to her more 'natural' non-touchy state. After a few days of it I -do- tend to get annoyed, but yes, I know that being grumpy isn't the way to fix it --> worst thing I can do, really, because it causes me to then back away from her in response....a bad cycle. I also recognize that there is probably some chicken-egg effect at play here too: in the past I would get uber grumpy when her period showed up, so now, as a matter of course, she goes into a defensive stance with no prompting from me at all. We both need to get out of it.
Lucky, also keep in mind that she isn't like either you or DQ in that as a general rule she -doesn't like- my being 'racy' or 'sexy' or 'frisky' on a frequent basis with her during the day. She gets annoyed by it, and start to suspect that my every non-sexual touch is really a sexual touch in disguise, which ruins their positive effect for her. I usually have to pick and choose my moments where a suggestive comment or a stolen kiss & grope will be appreciated and make her smile -- which isn't at this time of the month. You are far more receptive and appreciative of your husband doing such things than my W is.....yet.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I also recognize that there is probably some chicken-egg effect at play here too: in the past I would get uber grumpy when her period showed up......
I realized that the above doesn't make any sense at all without context. Back in our severe SSM days, she would tend to treat her period in the same way that a kid treats a "home-base" tree during a game of tag. I'd chase, she'd dodge and turn me down for one reason or another, I'd wait for another night and chase some more, she'd pull out another excuse or reason and dodge again, but then, Huzzah! Her P would start and she'd be at her home-base, safe and untouchable for a few days. It was rather frustrating, and I showed it.
So even today, with the SSM very much on the mend, we still tend to show some echoes of that old behavior sometimes.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
In my case, my guy is the one who doesn't want sex during the P. He will do me in any other way I ask, except intercourse. And he will be happy to have me do him in any other way, too. But doing the deed is a problem for him. Not sure why, haven't asked. Just assumed that yeah, a bleeding vag may not be that sexy so I never pushed it. LOL! But truthfully, other than one or two days of discomfort, the rest of the time it would be fine for me to have intercourse...just throw down a big red towel and try not to be too messy!
Sorry for hi-jacking your thread, Lucky!
And WOO HOO for you for your weekend. I can already hear the call of the pirate off in the distance...he is staking his claim now...."here ye mateys, the gal called Lucky shall be MY wench, the rest of ye scums fend for yerselves...."
