I'm going to have to side with Puppy on this one. Sorry T2, but you really don't want to forewarn or forearm your spouse when you are in the midst of fighting for your marriage. Even though the tactics of GAL and acting "as if" are for our benefit, if the wayward spouse were clued in to what the gameplan was, they could frustrate the entire effort.
I also disagree that they are books that you would want to make generally available to married couples. Most of the activities, if viewed from within the confines of a loving marriage might appear to be incredibly selfish. The concept of GAL and focusing on ourselves and the kids is also self-centered. I think if more loving couples practiced what DB and DR advocates, there would be more problems in marriages, not less.
There are far better books on what married couples can do to increase intimacy, sharing, and bonding. Go to any bookstore and there are rows upon rows of books to help strengthen marriages.
DB and DR are strong medicine for when everything is going into the toilet. In those situations where the marriage is breaking down, you need something strong and unconventional to cope.
If you will pardon a weak analogy: DB and DR are akin to a strong antibiotic ointment. You can put it on whenever you feel like it, but it doesn't really provide much benefit. In fact, using it before you need it might make your situation worse (AB resistant bugs). Once you are injured, however, it is a salve that promotes healing by preventing infection.
Yeah, it's a thin analogy, but i think you get the point.
Greg: You are on the roller-coaster, and it isn't as fun as when you were a kid, let me tell you. Your Ws moods are going to swing from high to low, and she is going to try and take you right along with it. Detachment is key to avoid needing dramamine. Detach from her and work on yourself.
ppenton re-posted a great laundry list of things to do/not do as you navigate this. Here's a linky to his list.
Hang in there and keep posting here for support, advice, and a friendly shoulder to cry on. You will also benefit from skimming aorund and reading some other folks' sitches. You will find that lots of folks are in similar places and they have charted out the reefs and shallows: learn by proxy!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Greg: You are on the roller-coaster, and it isn't as fun as when you were a kid, let me tell you. Your Ws moods are going to swing from high to low, and she is going to try and take you right along with it. Detachment is key to avoid needing dramamine. Detach from her and work on yourself.
ppenton re-posted a great laundry list of things to do/not do as you navigate this. Here's a linky to his list.
Hang in there and keep posting here for support, advice, and a friendly shoulder to cry on. You will also benefit from skimming aorund and reading some other folks' sitches. You will find that lots of folks are in similar places and they have charted out the reefs and shallows: learn by proxy!
Thanks for the link - I printed them out and have them hanging on the fridge now as a daily reminder.
This afternoon the W and I are supposed to go to an appointment together(psychologist - appointment that was made from when she first moved out - we have been going to him for a couple of years) I'm not even sure that she will show up there today. Here's my dilemma now, first I am nervous about going and seeing her, second, I was wondering if I should appoligize for the way that I treated and acted towards her when/if I see her since our split up is based solely upon my actions. I didn't argue fairly with her and did call her names, as bad as it is, I never realized the damage that I was doing to both her and our relationship. Between the reading and counseling that I have been going to, I understand now more of why I did this and now am working on making changes so I do not do this again(in any relationship). I'm just not sure if i should apologize to her now, or wait longer, I realize that even if i do she may not accept the apology because of the hurt that I have caused her. Thank you to everyone so far for your help and support.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
Well she showed up for the appointment and just about walked out the door when she saw me sitting in the waiting room. I managed to stop her from leaving so that she would be able to see the doctor, but the only way that I was able to do that was by speaking with the receptionist and having us go in separate. In the meanwhile I waited outside in my car until the receptionist waved me in. In the brief discussion that i managed to have with my W to convince her to stay, what I got is what are you doing here? I tried to explain to her that we need to talk, that we do have a son together(now the 5th day of not seeing or speaking to him), and i would like to be able to see him. Her answer to me was the only place we will be doing any talking is in a lawyers office(completely ignoring my question). It was left at that as she walked away saying that I don't respect her boundaries. OK point taking you need your space - and i violated it - never mind that the appointment was made while we were still on speaking terms - i should have known better and changed the appointment for myself rather then assuming we would still go together.
I did eventually get into see the doctor, and spoke for quite a while, now I know its not his place to say anything, but in his opinion he does not feel that she wants a divorce, that she will probably give me one more chance, after some time and after she and he both see change in me. He does have a pro-marriage position, so for now its back to working on myself and hoping/praying that the W sees the changes, and knows that I am committed to make the marriage work, although no matter what I want to be a better person for myself and my son.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
So the Wife called me a little while ago at work - I have not tried to contact her in anyway since the meeting yesterday. So glad my work phone has caller ID - I did answer it. She said HI, I simply asked whats up? something wrong? and the W replied no, i just wanted to see how you were doing and make sure everything is ok. I answered her that I'm fine and everything else is ok and simply asked how she was doing and if there was anything else that she wanted. She said no thats it she just wanted to see how i was doing and with that i ended the conversation having to go back to work.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
So I have been pretty much ignoring the wife(no contact of any means initiated by me for the past few days), yesterday she calls me to say that her lawyer from an old lawsuit called her, and she just wanted to talk with me about it. Ok, no big deal for me I'll just listen to what she wants to say and let her vent about it.
So I saw the W today. Not by my choice. Had to do some work on a computer at her job for the owner of the company. After I was done she came back to the house to get some things. All the time I was great, nice, even had a smile on my face. Until she tells me that I will be getting served on the 17th, and will have to appear in family court 2 weeks later, she is seeking full custody. The W said she just didn't want it to be a blindside when I get served (how thoughtful of her). Well that was the end of me having a good day. No matter how hard I tried i couldn't keep the tears in while she was still here. Not sure what is going to happen now, or where this is going to end up, if there is any chance at saving the marriage at this point, seems like she set her mind and is very reluctant to change it.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
God bless you. Where there is great love, miracles can still happen. It ain't over until the judge pounds his gavel. Even then, I believe it's still possible to get back together. Pray, continue to work on yourself to be the best man you can be. I'm sorry for your disappointment and your pain. Stay here on this board...lots of smart and experienced people here.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks Antlers. Its been a few days since I've been here. Thought I would update you guys. The W and I are still seperated, and I've been trying my hardest to follow the "Last Resort Technique", trying to GAL and just "work on my own issues and flaws", have even been doing a good job of losing weight. It seems now that I am not trying to pursue or contact her, that my phones ring more and more with her trying to reach me, even for the littlest things.
Here's a funny story, 2 days ago I decided to go for a bicycle ride (something I haven't done in a long time), I went for a ride to the beach (about 10 miles round trip). As I got to the parking lot, I felt my cell ring, looked and it was the W. She asked what I was up to, told her i was at the beach, she responded oh and with who? I explained to her no one that I went for a bike ride to get some exercise and asked if I could call her back later that I can;t talk right now. End of that conversation. So about 20-30 mins later as I went over the bridge at the beach to start my ride home, i hear a car horn, look back and its the W. She pulled over, and said that our son wanted to see my riding the bike, now I didn't tell a 3 year old that I was riding my bike, so was it just an excuse to check up on me and see what I'm doing. The W and I talked for a few minutes and then I wanted to get on my way before it got dark. Now here's the really funny part of the story - not even half a mile down the road my tire goes flat instantly. Glad I had the cell with me. Called the W asked her if she could pick me up and give me a lift home if it was a problem, I could easily get someone else. She agreed. She turned around and picked me up, on the way home she mentioned she made stuffed peppers (hers are always delicious) the night before for that day and asked if she wanted to stop at her moms and pick up a couple for me. SO I agreed. She gave me the peppers and brought me home. Later that night she called to see how I thought they were and tell me to have a goodnight. Of course, i though that the peppers were really good. Considering that she is looking to take custody and stay separated, I can't figure out the reasoning behind her being so nice to me now, I wondering if she is just trying to butter me up or is just not sure what she wants - although from her attitude she seems like she has her mind made up. She even told our son that once you decide on something in your mind you have to stick to it.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
Last Saturday night, my son stayed over the house(Sunday was his Bday), around midnight i received a few texts from the W. Sorry about the bad spelling tried to keep them as original as possible
She wrote to be saying that we cant change the past! All we can do is make the future better. T is a happy innocent child. My goal is to keep it that way. u are a good father. If I didn't believe that he wouldn't b with u rite now. I know you would never hurt him. i knw u love him. i knw u love me. Pls just trust that this is the rite thing. I knw its hard but its true. Everything will be OK, may not feel that way now but it will eventually
Next message said I'm not a cold hearted b&*^h. I know how much Ty means to u. I know how much he loves u. I would never take him away from u unless u hurt us...there's jst something there that's diff for a mother and her child. a bond...u may relate better one day bc ur males but i carried him for nine months. I felt him grow inside me..my world changed forever bc of him. As did urs. But it was not joe that made me different. it was T. Sure I may have turned to Joe to vent. And maybe that was wrong. But my ultimate decision to separate was for T. To give him a chance for a life wout fighting. u can change, I dnt dbt that. I jst cant forget and forgive completely. So i knw Id always be bitter and that wouldn't b healthy for any of us
And Her final message of the Night Things are diff. and its guna take some time...but if we work together and think of Ty first there is no reason why we can't get past this and remain on good terms.
My only response to her was I know that the past cant change and it would always be on ur mind maybe if u express that hurt, it will run a natural course of healing.
End of messages
Now a few days later, I did something that I used to do in the past when the W and I would argue and fight, It may even go back to when we were just dating. What I did was in the middle of the night, left a single rose on the windshield of her car. She found it in the morning at 7am when she left for work and called me. The first thing she asked was what i was doing, and then she asked me if i put the flower on her car. While I hesitated to answer not knowing how she would react i said yes. Her response to me was simply "Thank You. I've been waiting for you to do that." I asked what she meant by that and all she said is that I always used to leave her a flower and she was wondering when i was going to do it. I explained to her that I was sorry if I upset or offended her and she said it didn't, we hung up the phone and have had little conversation since. The only things we have really spoken about is our son.
We have a court date for Monday for custody
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
Well the W stopped by today after taking our S to the dentist. Her reason for stopping by was that our S wanted to show me the two fillings that he got for his small cavities(my fault - i bribed him with lolly pops to help potty train him). She stayed for about an hour while our S played with the dog, and we just sat in the grass and watched like we used to do. We spoke a little while she was here all she would really say is that I was lucky because I was going to get to keep the house - I reminded her that it was the house she made a home and renovated with all ideas of her own, and that everything there reminds me of her. At the end of the visit she asked me if I would like to go out to dinner to talk. Not sure what she wants to talk about, but after thinking it over for a little while I called her and agreed, otherwise I would just be wondering. All I can think about right now is how nervous and scared that I am to actually go out with her. I'm excited because I get to see her and spend some time with her and scared not knowing what she is wanting to discuss.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
My goodness, that rose thing just exemplifies how unpredictable all of this is. I thought for sure that was the wrong way to go...old behavior. And it seems to have yielded positive results.
My H invited me to breakfast a few weeks ago and I prepared myself for him to tell me he was filing papers. Nope, we just had breakfast and talked (not R related, at least not directly). So, be prepared for the worst and try to relax and just be yourself. Oh, and let us know what happens!!!
