I think the only thing that was geared toward my sitch is that my wife cannot seem to make up her mind and instead of me chasing her, I need her to chase me. If I read it correctly.
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Yep. You read correctly regarding the chasing part except for the "only thing that was geared toward my sitch" part. There was more food for thought in there that was geared toward you than the chasing part. (she was showing signs of chasing you though, but you made some tactical errors that backed her off)
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Good start for you though.
She has backed way off for now it seems. She called last night and asked to speak to daughter right away, no chit-chat, no nothing. Daughter was talking on her cell phone-so I got from wife, tell her I love her and if she wants to call then she can. Told me D and her response was "I DON'T CARE"! Oh, no, now that hurt to hear. I feel really bad for her--my D that is.
This morning the wife called again. Again she asked for D with no chit-chat. So, I guess I have backed her off royally for the time being.
I will remain strong for now and resist the temptation to call. I will apply no pressure as gucciloafer advised. NONE. It will be up to her to re-establish communications. We'll see if this works.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Interesting phone call from the wife. Not a lot of conversation from her but she talked to my daughter for a while. When my daughter got off the phone she reported to me that the wife asked if she could come over and see her tomorrow. My daughter said I don't care, why don't you ask Daddy? She said to my daughter, I don't give a sh#$ about him, I'll be coming over to see you. So, my daughter and I will be going to see a movie tomorrow and we'll see who gives a sh#$ then. We'll be gone most of the day matter of fact. I don't like that one bit, no sir.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
I've followed your whole story, and I am so impressed with how you've handled yourself. Our situations are very similar in many ways.
I agree with others here, you've got to hold tough now. Your W is acting in a horrible mannerr, and doesn't deserve anything other than disregard until she really changes her attitude and gives you the respect you most definitely deserve.
On the one hand, you've gotten something I haven't, which is the explosion of regret and remorse and declaration that you are the victim here. My W still acts as though she's done nothing wrong, and has shown not one shred of remorse or regret, and that's starting to weigh on me. I know she's riddled with guilt, but I'd really like to see some remorse directed my way. Sometimes I think I'm giving her a free pass on her guilt, because I only show her than I'm fine, as per DB recommendations, although I really am doing mostly fine, so it's not really an act. I know that her guilt is her own, and me trying to beat her over the head with it only makes my situation worse.
On the other hand, your W is being mean and cruel to you, while my W acts kind toward me, and we have nice times together. I just don't know if I should allow her those nice times, as I sometimes feel they're compromising my self respect. It's a fine line to walk, that's for sure.
AF I feel so bad for you. Last time I checked in with you things seemed to be improving, but now... wow. I'm so sorry. The roller-coaster is still in motion it seems.
My friend, you are getting some good advice here from gucci, puppy, hooper, et. al. I couldn't agree more with how you are handling the sitch with your D. Have fun with her and shield her from as much of this crap from your W as possible.
I'm more of a confrontational sort, so I would probably call the W out about that sort of a comment about you. There is no way that I would let my W disrespect me to my kids. Fortunately your D seems to be mature enough to see what a monster your W has become.
Stay strong for yourself and your D. I hope your Sunday goes better. My D is about the same age as yours and she was really hot on the 17 Again movie... Supposedly that Zack Efron guy is hot... but that is just what my D says...
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
AFWAW, You are doing well...good call on spending the day with your daughter. It is not worth it to get in an argument with her. I agree with PortlandDad on telling your wife that kind of talk to your daughter is not going to continue.
There are so many variables going on for you...promotion for both of you, assignment - possible remote? Retirement for you? Regardless of what happens you must protect your future...your daughters future depends on you right now. I doubt your W would give up her retirement but she is trying to even if she doesn't realize it...multiple affairs is a reason for discharge.
I know you have been worried about her getting in trouble if you report this...very hard position for you to be in...very hard. But, it should be evident to you that the affair is still going on (although I sometimes wonder if she is yanking your chain...a Lt Col married to a Col, having an affair with a TSgt, to include calling his wife, and leaving personal items at your W apartment is foolish for him...he would probably not get demoted but he would get passed over for promotion, relieved of command, and possible divorce...hundreds of thousands of dollars of retirement money being tossed away. If your W is lucky she will get marked down on her EPR and no decoration...if she is lucky. Some commanders will not accept this at all and if she did something like this three of four times who knows. Deny her reenlistment is easy�It is not a secret in her shop and soon her "troops" will start disregarding what she tells them to do and then turn her in when she tries, if she does, to enforce some rule. Her own fault...
Take care of your daughter is always #1. Not sure how you did it but you did a great job with her (W) taking the bills. Very unusual and I expect this will change soon, she will not care that you need money for your daughter and probably has someone telling her she will get half of your retirement to add to her paycheck I am worried about her running up massive debts that later you getting stuck helping pay(marital debt). It is sometimes good idea to do this legally�you do not want to pay for her party life style and it sounds like she is spending too much money.
It is time to expose. If you do not expose this "affair or inappropriate relationship". (I am not sure what to call it because I do not think you have any proof other than her confession (which she will deny) then her attitude will continue to worsen) (like you saw today and the last few times on the phone). It is not going to get better and you are not going to walk on the beach. Her "desire" to renew your vows is just a way to keep you hooked until she feels she like she has a backup plan firmed. Until this affair is exposed and over nothing is going to change for you and your daughter although I expect your daughter will get a few toys like an iPod or something to ease the guilt.
You must tell your Shirt and Commander. Your Shirt should have a good relationship with her Shirt and the Shirt of the Lt Col. This will put an incredible amount of stress on him and your wife. Unless there is more going on here (mental, drugs, etc) than we know the "no contact" order will put the brakes on this relationship quickly.
You are not going to be able to do anything until this happens. Keep working on yourself, improve your PT score, stay away from the booze, enroll for one online class for your masters, go to church, have fun with your daughter (she will be gone before you know it) What happens with your wife will happen, but not by you chasing and begging her. Maintain your pride, regardless of what happens you got an incredible daughter out of this who obviously adores her dad! Take care
futureunknown, Thanks very much for the compliment. I honestly don't know what else to do other than taking the high road. I am very sorry to hear that you are in a similar sitch.
MIL called yesterday and said that she asked wife about if the OM was still gone. Wife told her Mom that she wasn't going to talk about OM to her or me anymore--so, I have to assume the worst and believe that she is back in contact w/ OM.
If you wanted to give some guilt I'm sure you could find a way. Good luck w/ your sitch and thanks for your input.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
I'm more of a confrontational sort, so I would probably call the W out about that sort of a comment about you. There is no way that I would let my W disrespect me to my kids. Fortunately your D seems to be mature enough to see what a monster your W has become.
I thought about this and honestly don't know what good it will do as my wife has done this in the past and my D keeps reporting it to me. I think it's pretty funny that my wife is stupid enough to think that my daughter isn't tellng me anything and at this point if she's telling my daughter that kind of stuff you can believe that the OM is back in the picture. I have no other choice than to believe the worst case scenario.
So, I can handle this one of two ways. I could say something to my wife and get in an arguement with her or I could say nothing and when she calls tomorrow to see where we are I will not answer the phone. Hopefully, she drives all the way over here and rings the doorbell and gets all pissed off. If confronted later by her, I can honestly say that she never told me she was coming over, so how was I supposed to know?
At this point my daughter has had enough and has said some pretty negative things about her mom. That is tough for me to hear coming from her.
btw, D already saw 17 Again and said the same thing about Zack Efron--LOL. She actually asked to go see Fast and Furious.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
There are so many variables going on for you...promotion for both of you, assignment - possible remote? Retirement for you? Regardless of what happens you must protect your future...your daughters future depends on you right now. I doubt your W would give up her retirement but she is trying to even if she doesn't realize it...multiple affairs is a reason for discharge.
Ok, I could retire--I may do this if I don't get promoted. I will have to get a job first though as I don't have the wife to depend on anymore. If I get promoted then I will get an assignment. The wife already tested(she is a MSgt) and did not make SMSgt. I don't think I will get a remote since I got short tour credit for my tour in Iraq.
One day at lunch w/ the wife, she told me about a female SMSgt and male LtCol in her unit who had an affair for a whole year. She said the wife got wind of it and made a stink at the unit. Apparently, they both got LORs however, the LtCol got promoted to Col and the SMSgt(who is in the Guard)had her contract terminated and will have to retire. So, here's the problem for me:
I do have enough proof to turn my wife in. She has sent me several emails saying that she has done this. I however, don't have a name of this LtColand don't know what he looks like.
So, how to proceed, how to proceed. At this point, I am waiting to see what happens. Next Thursday, the wife is supposed to spend the night here and take my D on a school field trip to Atlanta the following morning. I am considering just parking in her apartment parking lot to on Friday night to see if OM goes in her apartment or even knocking on the door to see if anyone answers. Probably not smart but hey, I'm open for suggestion at this point.
Again, I have mixed feelings about this. While my wife may be mixed up again w/ OM, she may not be--I know this is highly unlikely but hey anything is possible at this point(I mean come on, I never thought in a million years I would be going through this). So, what's the worst that could happen? All these things that you have stated could happen or they call her in, she denys everything, doesn't sell out LtCol and they don't do anything to her. Now, she's wicked pissed at me and has malice enough to try and get custody of my daughter--FL is a no fault state and I don't really want to risk that.
So, again, how do I proceed knowing this?
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Not sure how you did it but you did a great job with her (W) taking the bills.
She just took them. She apparently feels guilty about what she is doing and wants to make sure D is taken care of and hey, as crappy as it is about what she's doing she may even still have some feelings for me?---I think these feelings change hour-by-hour though.
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It is not a secret in her shop and soon her "troops" will start disregarding what she tells them to do and then turn her in when she tries, if she does, to enforce some rule. Her own fault...
She had told 3 of her friends that are civiiian employees. She doesn't have any troops. She's in a unique special duty assignment and is charge of programs instead. I think if she had some troops this may not have happened. I belive, she thinks she's going to stay her till she retires and roll right into a GS job. And she may.
So, you can see what I'm faced with, lots of variables. If you have suggestions about how to proceed then please, I'm all ears. If I was to expose, I would want the OM to get in trouble as well--you see my point?
Anybody else got any input? Expose or not? Tricky with what I have.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
I hope you and your wife get back together...it is obvious you love her very much. I hope you make SMSgt...great pay raise and will add about $800-1K monthly to your retirement, not bad at your age and it will add u. Two MSgt's retired pay takes alot of stress off of both of you.
If you have not already...you need to hope for the best and prepare for the storm that is coming.
If you have any concrete proof of her infidelity, preserve it! Maintain several copies, burn emails to CD and print copies. Evidence has this curious way of disappearing once push comes to shove.
Close any joint accounts - including bank, credit card, investment, and HELOC. Anything with both your names on it that she can drain money out of or run up the balance on needs to be closed. If you have any money saved use it to pay off your bills (car, credit cards, store cards, start a college fund for your daughter) before you have to split it...no court will fault you for getting your family out of debt. DO THIS NOW BEFORE SHE DOES!
Document time spent with the kids - what you do and when. Do this is a handwritten log...just because you are in FL doesn't mean she will get custody and at her age your daughter will have some say in where she stays...your wife moving out will not look good to the court.
Keep working on yourself...time with your daughter, church, improve your house, keep it clean, PT (the AF is really pushing this...try to get a 100), degree.
Be polite to your wife and avoid contact...the affair needs to end or nothing you do will work. If you could get proof that would at least convince your commander and shirt you could really change the dynamics of this...not sure if your wife told you the "entire truth" about the other affair...although I am sure it happens for a Lt Col to get an LOR for adultry and then make Col is unusual even for the Guard. Doesn't matter other than for the entertainment value to read.
If you could afford a PI that could get you proof it would help. I do not want to see you sitting out in her apartment parking lot...not good for you in many ways. Slow down and expect nothing to change until this affair is over. You will then have to decide what you want to do...you may decide you do not want her her by then...
