Newbie - first post

[hopeful_cb]

Hi mtn,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I have been following your posts. I feel like we are in some of the same places with the things we are doing in our situations. It sounds like you are doing good trying to keep positive so keep that up. I know its not easy to do. And I understand what you mean about not being able to show any positive changes you are making bc of being separated, but I find it helpful to remember that these changes I am making are for me too and to look at how I have felt good/better bc of them.

How do you find it talking about the situation with FIL? Do you find it helpful at all? My MIL calls every week to 'check' on me, I guess she's trying to be supportive but I feel like she just reports back to H saying things like I'm 'better now'(as if!!) She doesn't see things the same way as me and I feel like her advice is what got H to move out completely in the first place as she kept telling him why is he still there(in the house) he's making it worse for me, etc.

Try to stay busy with your GAL activities and stay positive!

[mnt_dreams]

Thx Hope.

Our situations do seem similar. It's very hard to demonstrate the changes with the separation, but you're right; we have to make the changes for ourselves. If they take notice and it draws them towards us, that's awesome. But it can't be the motive.

I find it helpful to talk with FIL, but I know that anything I say will probably get back to H. FIL told H that I've never once said anything negative, and I've been very supportive of H's need for space. So, to answer your question, I guess by maintaining this line of communication in a pretty vague manner, it's getting back to H that I'm making changes and doing alright.

For your MIL, she probably is reporting back. But if you can view it as another way to communicate to H that you're being respectful of his need for space and loving him by doing that even though it's not what you want, then I'd keep it up.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Mtn,

Communication with the inlaws can be tricky but you have only bad alternatives. If they reach out and you close them off...well, good luck with that approach. You'll be closing the door and you don't want to do that b/c it's rude and punitive looking. If these are their grandchildren, don't put them in a worse position than they are already in. Reassure them and your kids.

Say that you'll never interfere with their R's with the kids and want to make sure they keep those lines of communications open, as if you are "getting" that you might not be M, but that they will always be in the kids' lives. This keeps that possibility open for the h as well AND btw, it is important and good for your kids to know they are not losing everyone associated with h. Don't forget the kids!
I think it IS reasonable to mention your concern about the kids, to the inlaws IF IT'S appropriate or applicable. They care about them too, I assume.

LISTEN WELL and don't treat them like spies, but don't think they'll "agree with you", or discuss how "wrong" their own adult children are. They are his parents AND maybe they think he's got a point?? BUT for sure, they want him to be happy and he isn't happy now.

I did not want to write or say anything that would come back to me and haunt me later if we DID reconcile, or if we went to div court....don't screw yourself mouthing off or begging or whining too much OR making him the bad guy. That will NOT WORK...no parent will come in and "straighten their own kid" out (UNLESS THEY KNOW HE'S DONE WRONG--NOT YOUR JOB TO INFORM THEM-- AND IF THEY KNOW THAT HE'S MESSED UP, THEY'VE ALREADY SAID SOMETHING TO HIM THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT, IF THEY'RE THE TYPE. IF THEY ARE NOT THE TYPE TO SAY ANYTHING--"PEACE AT ALL COSTS"--OR "COWARDS"--"CHEATERS" THEMSELVES, ETC--THEN IT'S POINTLESS TO EXPECT THEM TO SAY ANYTHING TO HIM -AND YOU'RE FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE ASKING...

That's so important, I put it all in caps. My ex sil came to me to complain about my brother (they fought a lot). No cheating or abuse or drinking too much, just both fighting & wanting the other to change. She constantly wanted me to somehow say something that would make my brother totally change his personality...yeah, no thanks.

In my sitch, I said something to my inlaws like I'd always support the kids staying in touch with them and visiting them/his family, and as for my feelings, I said something to the effect of "Though I'll always love your son, things are not looking up for us at this point..." and I followed that with something positive about how kind they treated me over the years, thanking them for that, and left it at that.

(( j ))

[mnt_dreams]

Thanks for the post. I am going for a short hike with FIL tmrw. I'll take your advice re: kids and supporting their R with inlaws and not dwell on H and I or looking for support. Hope to demonstrate I'm doing well with no self pity or looking for FIL to take sides.

It's been three weeks since I've seen H or talked face to face other than a few texts. Maybe this isn't unusual but do I just keep giving him space or at some point, do I need to call to talk or try to get together? It seems like the more time that goes by, the less connected he probably feels to me.

Maybe I'm just having a tough day, but it's hard to keep the faith when there's NO contact at all!?!

Thoughts, anyone?

[pearlharbr]

MD, I don't think I've commented on your thread but I have been following.

Others may have different advice, but in my sitch I didn't talk to my xBF after I put him out of the house for a month. We did exchange emails about money issues but that's it. Even after he started wanting to come by the house and eventually ask for another chance I didn't see him face to face or talk to him for another month. Granted things moved rather quickly for me in DB terms, but I don't think it's anything to be alarmed over.

[mnt_dreams]

Thx Pearl. I guess everyone's timeline is different, but good to know a month or more isn't unusual.

I went for a hike with FIL tonight. Didn't discuss H or the R at all. Figured if he brought it up that would be fine, but he didn't other to ask if I was doing okay which I said I was. Good small talk and stories... I think I indicated I'm doing all right, which I was until I got on the computer tonight.

Came home and the OW (all of 21) had changed her facebook page to note she was no longer single and 'in a relationship', and her 'love' was making her a dinner tonight.

Of course, no real evidence that she and H are involved other than all the text and cell ph calls. Praying it's another guy she's interested in now. But if it is my H, it breaks my heart.

Yes, I shouldn't be obsessing about it, but OW and I are 'friends' on facebook, so it was right there to see. I'm trying to visualize a big stop sign like C has suggested... I can't control whatever is or isn't going on. But H was telling me he loved me less than 2 months ago. Could their R really be progressing that quickly... I hope not, but again, out of my control.

Sorry for the venting, but gotta get this out. I feel so confused and helpless! I haven't talked to H in 3 weeks, other than a few text messages about bills, etc. I've done a great job of really giving H the space he wanted but now it feels like I've completely lost control of the sitch and lost him. I'm praying hard but still worrying and obsessing, so I'm really not letting it go.

Hard stuff.

[pearlharbr]

Don't apologize for venting. That's what this place is for. Get it out here so it doesn't come out somewhere else.

Well, I guess the obvious solution is to un-friend the OW! Yes, snooping can get you stuck in an obsessive pit of despair. You need to decide if you want/need definitive proof of an EA/PA. If not, then get her off your FB immediately.

Worrying and obsessing isn't doing you any good. You cannot control anything other than yourself. I know, easier said than done. Do practice the thought stopping. Throw yourself into GAL activities. What are yours?

[mnt_dreams]

I don't think I need definite evidence of an A. I just got her off my FB - thanks for the suggestion.

FIL sent an email overnight. Said he's afraid I don't fully realize how much H has gone off the deep end, and has 'turned the corner'. Strong hints that H has become involved with OW I believe. Offered to talk more about that if I need to. Also a strong suggestion that if I need to talk to H or have him talk to the kids, this is the time.

Not sure why he put it that way. I'm supposed to be giving him his space. Is he indicating if I want him back, I better contact him? But if the FB and emails are trying to tell me H is involved, then this isn't the time to make contact - right??

GAL activities -

jogging
spending time with friends
reading
watching son play basketball

[mnt_dreams]

Got a call from one of the credit card companies tonight. Bill hasn't been paid by H and we've always been so timely, etc. He's the one that wanted to separate bills and get his own account. Yet I'm not really surprised because of the way he's been blowing through money before we separated accounts. So, I tried to get them to call H on his cell, since we're separated, but they wouldn't do that and just asked me to speak to him.

Left a text and VMX from H re: that bill and another one I see now he hasn't paid. No response so far.

I'm sure this situation will get worse before it gets better. Perhaps this will be a reality check for H that the bills still have to be paid and he can't just blow his paycheck on whatever... But then again, maybe not!

I've been feeling pretty angry today, even before the call from the CC co. Angry that he'd just up and leave. It's like he went out for cigarettes and never came back. Angry he won't face up to his responsibilities. Not even me - forget about that for the moment. Responsibility to speak to the kids he helped raise since they were 7 and 8 yrs old, and to be honest. Angry that it's all about him. Angry because even though I contributed to our sitch, it wasn't reason enough to walk away. He's being a coward.

I continue to pray for patience. But today I just have been mad.

[antlers]

I'll remind you of something that City Girl said...'most spouses that walk away from a marriage tend to treat the spouse they left behind like crap. They are rude, selfish, demanding and cold. They think the sun and moon and stars revolve around them and each whim or desire they have. Its all part of the anatomy of a walk away spouse.'