Thank you for taking the time to catch up with my situation. I will admit I had a down point last night but I think all of us do every now and again. Nobody can be 100% happy all the time. It's just not natural. You will have read my reasons for being in the slump and I admit that they are very trivial. I'm in a better mindset today though and just ready to get on with it as best I can.
I've seen you asking time and again for opinions on whether your situation is done or not. Asking people whether they think there is any hope for you at all. The fact is that nobody knows for sure. In my own opinion though I would say that you are only done when YOU'RE ready to be done.
So you're getting a divorce? Divorced couples have reconciled before. That's a fact. Do you think any of the WAS in those situations were willing to work on the marriage when they got the divorce? I accept the fact that your wife right now is not in a place where she wants to save the marriage. Nobody's questioning that. What you need to do now though is accept it. For now, yes it's over. Get used to that idea and move past it. Whether or not it's permanent can indeed only take one to tango. Detach, move on, call it what you will but try to find a comfort zone in your life with your children where you can be happy and not worry about the things your wife is doing.
Of course there are still going to be things which affect your mood. I had a couple myself last night. You can't let them rule you though. You're allowing your wife to be the one responsible for your mood and wellbeing. You need to take possesion of that for yourself. Only you can make yourself happy now because nothing your wife is doing is going to. That's why it's essential that you let go. Not all the way, just enough so her actions don't affect you so much. That's what I've tried to do with my wife. Nobody knows whether my situation is done or not but I've come to accept that it very well may not work out and am continuing my life 'as if'. I'm being as good a dad to my Wee Man as I possibly can be and trying to do as much as I can to enjoy my life. In the process, I really am making some positive improvements for myself. Improvements that will stay with me whether I get back with my wife or not. I don't know if my wife is noticing these changes. That's her problem. I can only do what I can. If she does see them though and suddenly sees me as someone interesting, fun, and exciting that she wants to be with - so much the better. If she doesn't, let's face it, I'm still going to be interesting, fun and exciting. Her loss.
I think you need to stop thinking of your marriage in black and white Mark. You are in a large grey area between the two right now and regardless of how your wife is acting, it need not necessarily be forever. Now sucks but now only lasts for but a moment.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Yet again you have come up with sound advice. I do feel down again today as the new job I had acquired has now been pulled and I am still out of work. I am really up and down at the moment, I just look at my children, my situation and my lack of work then makes me feel so inadequate and not being able to support my family properly as a father should. This is one of the things that annoyed my wife, one minute in work, the next no work. I think this contributed to some of our problems.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
My wife had asked me earlier in the week if I would cut the lawn. I agreed and did so today, though I'm wondering if I should have done it or not? The paradox is 1. Now I have cut the grass is this seen as being helpful or weak, pandering to her wishes? 2. I should have told her I am busy and get somebody else to do it. What should I do/have done?
While we were on the phone she asked me to have the children on dates when officially I would not have them. I agreed to all bar one night. She said she wanted me to have them on a specific night when she told me she was going to a barbeque which was adults only and she could get a babysitter, but if I had them she could have a few drinks (she never used to drink) and I could have them overnight. This statement really hurt me as I presume she wanted me to know she was "have a few drinks" and was "with adults". My mind started playing tricks with the scenarios I was painting which I must stop. I said I would get back to her when I knew. I left it for a couple of hours and then texted to say 'no, cannot do' and left it at that. She then texted back 'how come?', I thought about whether I should respond to this or not. Rightly or wrongly I responded with 'I am away until the following day'. This made her mad as she then spouted things like 'I thought you wanted to see the children more, you gave me this sob story about not seeing them' etc etc. I take offence to calling it a sob story said in a demeaning way but she has no respect for me and obviously sees me as a weak individual. In my opinion she was mad because I believe she was planning an overnight stay with OP and I would have the children. I am not having the children that night to stop 'fueling her affair', I am doing it to draw a boundary to say I will not have the children every time she wants, I have a life too. She also said "typical out of sight, out of mind", I ignored this.
She then went on to say I could have picked up the children from school and does not know why she has to point these sort of things out to me. She just rambled basically, and then sends me a text thanking me for cutting the grass and did the little ramp her father fixed up help!!!! What is she doing one minute mean, next minute nice. I have not responded to that text. Interstingly, she has tried to call me on the landline, which I ignored, she has tried to just call my mobile. What is going on?
Last edited by markhaving probs; 04/23/0904:10 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I think she's mean to you out of her sense of deep entitlement right now, but then when you stand up to her and enforce your own boundary, she is nice by responding with respect.
It does. By the way when I went home I found out wedding day name tags that have sat on our bedroom window sill thrown in the bin, and our wedding cushion with our names, wedding date etc shoved in a drawer. What do you make of that! Should I say anything?
Last edited by markhaving probs; 04/23/0904:52 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
She's pretending she is not married, and not living with you makes her feel like it is "ok" now. But, doesn't matter. DOesn't change what you are doing.
