Seems like longer since I have posted...had to go back through the thread to see exactly where I left off and what was already been said.
I haven't been here much the last month or 2 for various reasons, and recently was talking with a friend online and said that I probably wouldn't.
But here I am...to check in on some old friends, who I see haven't been around lately and just to update a little. Must be someone left out there who was wondering...following.
..and maybe some of the newbies will go back through and read my old threads...see how long I have been at this and that my wife and I are still in the house together and glean something from my half*ss DB'ing over the past year, or at the very least, start listening when everyone tells you there is no magic bullet, it's going to take time and the most important thing to do from the start is detach, GAL take care of yourself.
Not that I did those things...remember half*ss DB'ing...and not that I am here to declare a success. As I said, the sitch is status quo, and that means nothing has changed since the last R talk.
I put a lot of effort into changing myself, but in doing that, I put just as much effort into saving my marriage.
That statement will be a dichotomy to many on here, but remember, every sitch is different and you would need to know the entire story of my last year to understand.
Check out Bworl and Ali's last posts...they get it and come to think of it, Mindblank is in a similar sitch...DownNotOut...yet and Distressed67, too. Home with our spouses and "working". Hope you guys are all still doing good...I have to catch up.
So...wife and I?? Status quo...last R talk was beginning of March..I just went back and looked. That was the "can't say I love you..but NOW we are best friends" talk.
It's only a few pages back, so I won't bore you..with that or a recount of the last year. That part of the thread pretty much sums up the whole year...at home together..having fun and living as happily married couple..for now she says.
Although the last couple of months has been pretty mellow with us, there are a few things that have happened that I would like to mention.
First and most important, is the death of my mother on 4/8, at 84 yrs. Mom went in for hip surgery back on 3/12 and even though the surgery went well, her poor health and a myriad of complications let to an awful month for her.
She suffered, but fought for weeks and deserved the rest when it finally came. I was blessed to have been there with her that morning to say goodbye, and grateful she was not alone when she passed.
Death brings life into perspective, and maybe the past few months with her, and especially the last few weeks is part of the reason I have not been here much....a clearer picture of what really is important, and renewed desire to have a happy, productive life, no matter who is around me to share in it. There has been too much time worrying about the "what if's and why's" and not enough time on the present. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
My wife was by my side through these past couple of months with my mother. I am not sure why, but I was somewhat surprised by the closeness and caring that I saw from her. My mother loved her like her own daughter, and I know now just how much my wife cared for her.
We have a large family and we were close through the last few weeks. I reconnected with my sister, at my mothers request one night in the hospital, who I had not spoken to in over a year. It makes me sad to think that a final thread has been broken, and we may never see those big holiday, or family gatherings again. Time will tell.
I heard from some old friends over the past few weeks and made some new ones.
One in particular, my best "girlfriend" from childhood. That story is much too long to tell. The short version is that she and I have some how managed to maintain contact at one time or another for over 30 years now.
She is married with 2 young girls, and living the other side of my sitch....I don't believe she has any idea what DBing is, but she is definitely an AWAW....waiting for the right time?? Over the past few years we have been open and honest with each other about our lives, but apparently not about our feelings with each other.
During one conversation when she to called check on my mother, we got to talking about our sitches and our past together. Ours was a 99% platonic relationship...close and loving, but platonic. As I said..long story, but as little as I see and speak with her, I don't think I will ever feel the same way about anyone as I do for her.
I never told her that, and she never told me...it had always gone unspoken through the years, but during that recent conversation she decided for some reason it was time to say it out loud. Ulterior motives?? I don't think so...she wants my marriage to work just as much as I do and has been there to lend an ear, give advice and a boot in the rear when needed. She jokingly told me not to get any ideas.
Like I said...reconnected with some old friends and made some new ones.
One of the new ones, an "online buddy" has been there almost day in, day out with a shoulder, some humor and wisecracks..seemingly whenever I need her. Another one of the troops in an unhappy marriage, I can only hope that some day I can be as much of a friend to her as she has been to me the past couple of months.
She had been there even before my mother's turn for the worse, to offer advice and make me laugh...rooting for me and my wife..sometimes offering to come by and slap some sense into her for me. I am still amazed at how well you can get to know someone without ever hearing their voice or shaking their hand....and know that they are genuinely concerned about your well being.
Sort of like the "tribe" here on the board.
That's all for now folks.
Good luck to all you newbies out there...hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...at least so I am told. I can't see it yet, but as time goes on I am more and more certain it is there.
Glad to hear that things are going relatively well otherwise. Sounds like you have a really good set of core people to help you just stay away from temptation.
Thanks Tim...and I hear what you are saying about temptation. I think that's something we all struggle with the longer these sitches go on.
Fortunately, my wife and I are still living together, are still intimate and to the best of my knowledge(can you ever be 100% sure?), there are no other people involved. That helps keep me focused.
How are you doing...no new thread. Still status quo?
Hello everyone I've not found myself here these past few months to do much posting, and honestly not entirely sure why I am here this morning.
Maybe to vent a little about some recent twists...stop in to see if I recognize any of the old names and say hello. Could be to get some feedback and advice. Maybe someone new will read, gather something worthwhile from the past threads and current developments that can help them.
Maybe Coach, Bworl or Forrest will pop in with that magic pill, a kick in the a**...or an "I told you so"....how the heck are you guys?....been a while!
Up until a few weeks ago, if someone had asked about the sitch, I would have said status quo.
Still at home together...wife has not pushed for separation or divorce. We still talk, are very close at times and ML on a fairly regular basis.
Those of you that followed and remember the sitch, will be familiar with the drinking and partying that seemed to progress over the past year....to a point where..that may have been the bond...the medication...that kept us even..kept us close...allowed her to either have, or let out the feelings she continued to say were gone.
I got cocky...I got lazy. The reminders of the coming separation were few and far between. GAL took a back seat to making sure we had fun together...dinners...parties..friends over for drinks...bar hopping...you name it.
Those of you reading my posts for the first time would have to check out some of the old threads, but this past year has been a blur of quick fixes, and she stayed right there with me. Rarely any more did she hang out with the girls...go out with friends.
Yet, over the past few months, I had come to a point where I didn't think I was going to hang on much longer. This past year of waiting...the limbo..was really starting to get old.
The sex, the fun...was great..there was no denying that at times we connected. We enjoy the same activities..foods..music. We connect sexually....we laugh..we joke...what was missing?
The commitment from her to work on the marriage...the unsolicited hugs and kisses....the look when I came home from work that told me she was happy to see me...the "I love you" that I had not heard in over a year.
"Hang in there, she still loves you" was the mantra. One day she is going to wake up smell the coffee and you guys are going to grow old together.
I didn't believe that. As more and more time passed without that commitment I wanted, even though outwardly, things were still status quo, I was starting to believe in my heart that she was just waiting for me to move on.
The last reminder was back in March, and pretty much on schedule...every 2 or 3 months. All mostly the same....this is fun...but..don't forget, it does not change things. Don't get the wrong idea and don't get your hopes up.
Fast forward a bit...to a new fascination with Face Book and a reconnection with her old friends...male and female.
Fast forward a little further...last month's cell phone bill with 1000's of text messages, and a talk about the old friends..and her assurance that it was innocent...no emotional connections...no online boyfriends. "please don't get the wrong idea...it is nothing like that"..she said. "It's all new to me...it's just so good to hear from these people and stay in touch"
One thing I never pegged my wife as was a liar..or a cheat, and I believed her. We talked about emotional affairs..physical affairs, and our long standing agreement that while we are still married and under the same roof, there would no other people involved in our relationship.
That was a few weeks ago, and things remained the same..status quo.
Fast forward again..to the other day, and a 2 week vacation for her and my daughter, and me paying the cell bill on line, and checking the call log.
One number stood out and there was regular contact...early morning...late nights...pretty much constant and times. Obviously not a chatty girlfriend she was staying in touch with while she was away.
That was straw number 1, and my heart sank. Against my better judgment I called her that night and questioned her.
She told that if she told me about it, that I would get the wrong idea... I would not understand, but I pushed.
She met him on FB...very innocently to start...not sure I want to explain it on here, knowing the connection...it was very innocent to start, and she assured me it still was.
She has issues and a marriage on it's last leg...he is already done with his. Someone to share with..to talk to....a shoulder to lean and cry on....all innocent she said. No emotions, no plans to spend their lives together. She told me again...it's not what you think...I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
I left it at that....we talked more about the R and marriage and that led to reminders of what she wanted...how it felt good to get away for a while...how she felt things had dragged over the past year and we needed to start moving on.
Fast forward a few hours, as my head spun again and more snooping that I will not elaborate on. All I can say is my heart got the best of me, and I snooped.
I found an email..."I love you" was all it said...from the new text buddy.
I found, from another alt u friend, a couple of erotic stories written to her...stories that used her name and his as the main characters.
I have not confronted her with these, as that would mean me admitting some major snooping. She knew I had access to the cell bill, and that was one of excuses for assuring me it was all innocent...knowing that I could check any time I wanted.
This was different...this is a line that I never expected to see her cross.
It's only been a day or so, and I have stopped myself from confronting her while she is way. I spent most of yesterday reeling...talking to a friend and venting...trying to gather my thoughts.
She suggested I take the rest of the week while they are away and let it all soak in...avoid contact with my wife...stay busy..GAL.
Wife texted me first thing this morning while I was still in bed..."You awake yet?"....that was 3 hours ago...I ignored her.
I don't know if I will confront her about the other things I found.
I don't know if this is a deal breaker.
I don't know if I will ever be able to touch her, or look her in the eye again when she comes home...I don't if she will want to touch me or look me in the eye.
I'm at 14 months of this...and although for a while now, was pretty sure I was going to throw in the towel...some how maybe I was thinking that doing that...throwing in the towel..may be the catalyst that would have brought her around.
If she had come back to me...or stayed and wanted to work on us...I don't think I could have denied that.
Now what?...the time has finally come to accept that the marriage is over? Is there more I don't know about? Does it even matter any more?
When we talked the other night I told her that if there was more...if they had plans..if there was love and emotions involved..it would be silly not to tell me.
After all, you still want a divorce, and an affair...EA or PA would help push me along and get me out of your hair sooner...she agreed and said once again..it's nothing like that.
Well..that's all I got right now.
Anyone that made it this far...God Bless!...I would guess this is my longest post ever.
NDS, Sorry about the bad news. You just got hit with another bomb. You know the drill - take care of yourself, no communication with her while you are upset, vent, cry and remember this isn't all your fault. Get thru the day. I'll check back. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm so sorry, NDS. I agree with Coach -- don't do ANYTHING at the moment.
I have been there, and know what this feels like. I got the e-mails from my keylogger sent to my BlackBerry when I was with my parents and siblings on a family reunion. omg, it was like someone had punched me in the stomach, and a really fat man was now sitting on my chest, AND I was nauseous from a carnival ride -- all combined. I nearly threw up.
Sorry to hear about what your W is doing. I found a text last year that my W sent that said I love ya, so I know exactly how you feel. Getting kicked in the balls would feel better than seeing what you saw.
I have to agree with Coach and PDT above that you need to step back, calm down and re-evaluate your sitch. You need to do what is best for you and take emotion out of your interactions with your W from here on out. She is having her cake and eating it too and that is allowing her to do whatever she wants without taking your feelings into consideration.
Listen, it may be that she has danced the line and she really didn't think. She kept is secret so you wouldn't be hurt - but she knew in her heart it was wrong.
The best thing in this situation is to Do Nothing right now. You can not tell her you snooped. You really can't.
The ball is in her court. I don't think any towels should be thrown just yet.
Hugs, honey.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
