What is the RIGHT THING TO DO? What would God Himself have me do, if He were standing right here in front of me?", and to put my kids first, me second and my wife last in this. Otherwise, there might be something that benefits my boys, and is also "the right thing to do," but I stubbornly refuse to do it/agree to it because it somehow benefits my wife.
Now this is where I get lost. I agree with - "if it benefits the kids then go with it" BUT, are you not only looking at right now. Who is to say that if you agree to some finacial settlement today that tommorrow OM wont become the real beneficiary. Ypu know your wife best , I know what it feels like to have OM and I can tell you, that the kids dont come first OFTEN when you are all caught up in that ' new love '.
Puppy just write down every possibility and every possible outcome of every posibility. Do not rely on rational or clear future thinking on wifes part. You have to think of how to protect your childrens future.
you HAVE helped many folks heal their marriages. You HAVE been a lifeline to soooooooooo many
Ditto!!! Puppy you disagreed with something on my thread but let me tell you that I am such a stronger person and have a lot more self respect because of you and your advice to others. No matter what my situation turns out I will be a better person because of you and others like you on these boards!
As far as the debt. In my state you can remove names from accounts and then sign an agreement that all debt after a certain date is the sole responsibilty of the other person.
Kenn,
Yeah, I guess I busted your ballz pretty good. I didn't realize until you said something just now that I never went back to see how you responded (I did now), so I didn't mean to blow you off. Sometimes I post all over the place, and if it's not a regular thread that I visit, I forget to circle back. As you can tell, I loathe affairs, and I wear that on my sleeve. It wasn't long after I started posting on this forum, having come over from the Sex-Starved Marriage board, that one day I just looked at thread after thread, and page after page, of nothing but heartache and adultery and pain (it might have actually been the MarriageBuilders message board, I can't remember) . . .
. . . and I just WEPT. I mean, I sobbed. It was like everyone else's pain just became my own, and I saw the selfishness, the vanity, the lust, the entitlement, and the utter DECEIT of it all. I think it was that day that God put it upon my heart to try to help people here.
Anyway, thanks for your nice note. I do wish you well in your sitch, and I'll try to stop by.
Yes, my attorney two years ago warned me about family court judges' propensity to rule at something very close to "the lifestyle to which she is accustomed," and told me that if there was anything I could do to scale back her lifestyle, it would be in my best interests. She took on more hours (and was actually working very close to full-time when she was having her affair), and we got rid of the BMW 5-series and got her a Scion.
I am very concerned that I might be setting up some sort of precedent here, but really, I think this will take care of itself, because I really CAN'T afford a second residence under the current income and expense situation.
Puppy....the road you are about to go down will be worse and more painful than anything you could have imagined...so do be prepared for that, get yourself as healthy as possible to manage it, get into IC now (if you aren't already) or find a divorce coach or a divorce support group...this will be invaluable to you as you go through the process. Please don't fool yourself into thinking that you can handle it without some sort of support (coaching, IC, or group support). Then also get your kids into IC or find them a kid's of divorce support group. Get these ducks lined up now so that when its time and you need them, they are all lined up.
Please don't ignore this advice.
I don't say this very much, but I work for a divorce attorney and I know what I'm talking about here. The people who have the hardest time are those who do not immediately get support and therapy. Church is great but it isn't enough. This is a common mistake people make - to think that their church and pastor can support them during this time. They can, but you need more specialized support.
What happens when people don't get mental and emotional health support during divorce, is that they end up using their attorney as their counselor, and that is never good. First of all, that means you are paying your attorney's rate for counseling, which should be half as much if you go to a real counselor. Second of all, attorneys are not mental health professionals, and they just simply cannot provide you with emotional support in the way that you need. It is their job to remain distant from the emotional aspects of your case. They can't get wrapped up in YOUR emotions or else they cannot do their job for you. It happens all the time though so I wanted to warn you now....get an IC lined up and don't talk about your pain and suffering or anything that is not a legal issue with your attorney.
If you do these things for yourself and the kids (and recommend them to Mrs. P too) you will be so much better off when the process is over. You will also learn how to manage and handle all the roller coaster emotions you are going to be going through, and even though you've already been through so much, its going to get worse so just know that going in so you won't be caught off guard.
At the end of the process, if you do it right and get support where you can, then you will come out ok.
In the meantime, I would also advise that you constantly pray for Mrs. P to "do the right thing" as well as yourself. This may or may not have an affect upon her, but it can't hurt, can it? And praying for her is and always will be the "right thing" for you to do.
You're going to be poor, beaten down and broke at the end of this...but then a new day will dawn in your future....that day will bring a whole new life to you with the possibility of renewed happiness and joy....and then eventually the possibility of happiness within a committed relationship again.....but you have quite a long road to go through first so keep reaching out for help....to us, to God, to your family and friends, and especially to mental health professionals who specialize in what you are going through.
Buckle up...but also, keep that glimmer of hope in the future at the back of your mind....it will be what pulls you through the nights...
I heartily second DanceQueen's post. I haven't said much along those lines, because you can really only take it a day at a time, but it will be hell for the next year at least. I suppose there are degrees of hell, but everyone suffers and there's no getting around that. Hang in.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
What is it about my sitch as I've described it that makes you think this will be so difficult? Are you talking about divorces in general, or something particular to my situation?
I can't imagine an uncontested, mediated divorce being as awful as you describe, and I CERTAINLY can't imagine it being worse than what I went thru two summers ago.
