H surprised me (heavens to Betsy... WEEKDAY sex???) late last night and initiated with fierce determination. No lame cue. No awkward delay or nervous "pretend massage" warm-up. He just went for the kill starting with hard mashing right after we got into bed. YUM!
Makes me want to screem with joy and happiness for you!!!
Seriously, he's gonna change this around for you both....(well your efforts are what are changing it around, but him following your lead and really understanding what you are needing was the key!)
I hope today you send him a "thank you for rocking my world text" because this time, you aren't thanking him for giving it to you like pity....but instead you are thanking him for doing it RIGHT. Encourage him!
And I hope you're patting YOURSELF on the back a bit, too.
ok..I am still new.. and Lucky Girl has read my story.. I am looking around reading things that sound like me..and this is sounding like me.!!! I have had to explain to my husband, who is not dominant..very docile.. that I want to be dominated (w/in reason) in bed..that I want to be talked to dirty and I want to feel "taken", he struggles w/ it so much b/c it is so far from who he is.. but I cant understand when he is sexually aroused.. ( which there are ED problems there too)..why that doesnt bolster the ability to dominate.. Not to be too graphic or vulgar.. but Im at a stage where I dont want to make love..I know he loves me..I want to be f*****.. sorry for the language.. but it gets the point across so much more efficiently.. He says that it is hard.. and i dont know what else to do. We months at a time w/ no sex while on antidepressants, b/c i just didnt want to.. but i think now.. if he had pushed the issue even a little i wouldhave wanted to.. women have to be "put"in the mood most of the time..that is crappy, but the truth I think..and sometimes.. it takes more intense pursuit.. I have told him, but we are dealing w/ other issues also.. so it is hard.. its just very cool to be on here and read that other people are having EXACTLY the same problem as me.. Thank you all..
I have had to explain to my husband, who is not dominant..very docile.. that I want to be dominated (w/in reason) in bed..that I want to be talked to dirty and I want to feel "taken", he struggles w/ it so much b/c it is so far from who he is....
HJR;
I've had to walk down the path that you're asking him to take, and it's honestly not an easy one for many men -- it goes against their ENTIRE upbringing with regard to how they are supposed to treat women. That said, a man CAN change this aspect of himself (with time) and become the 'rogue' that his wife wants him to be in bed -- so don't lose hope.
Here's a books suggestion for you. It's short, and one that both you and your husband can probably appreciate:
It's not as deep or in-depth as some of the other books we frequently discuss here, but it does a good job of addressing the single point about what you're looking for from him in the bedroom.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Bagheera!! Im glad you have been responding to my posts..I have ordered this book right away..I dont know if he will read it..but i will and then give it to him.. Hopefully it will help him... I fear I am losing respect for him as a man b/c of his lack to be "manly" in our marraige.. and I dont want to say that to him..it would crush him..he is already reeling from my other behavior to have that thrown on top would be horrible..
He says that he has a hard time w/ it b/c he saw his mother treated badly by so many men. that he doesnt want to appear disrespectful to me...I told him that I have no doubt that he loves me and respects me.. but its just different in the bedroom..i want it to feel carnal instead of facilitating... thanks again
I'm afraid to post anything about my sitch because I'm terrified that I might jinx it. We are really making progress. I have to admit that I have been pushing even harder lately and trying to break old stale patterns by shaking things up when I would normally sit quiet and wait. I realize that we have a pattern of 1) I initiate a discussion that seems productive and positive, 2) he initiates sex in the next day or two, 3)sizzlefritz, crickets, I sit and wait, not wanting to nag/mother, 4) I stew and get ready for the next discussion. Now, instead of sitting and waiting, I'm making playful, strongly suggestive, almost demanding "come hither"/"give me some luvin'" remarks. We seem to be in a growth spurt. I'm so excited, yet I'm terrified that it might not stick. I just can't let it happen! Too early to tell if we really have reached the next level. Thanks for asking -- It felt good to write that out.
Excellent news, Lucky --> keep shakin' those tail feathers, girl! Every time you do, it strokes his male ego, works to 'fire up his engines' (i.e. tug at his libedo), and gives him the courage or incentive he may need to take you up on the "chase".....and capture.
You are essentially doing what I have had to do in order to improve my own sexual relationship --> you've imcreased the level of Sexual Polarity between the two of you, and in so doing, improved the sexual relationship. In my case, I've had to move in the Masculine direction, and attract the attention of my wife by being more of The Man who turns -her- on. In your case, you're moving in the Feminine direction, and attracting the attention of your husband by being more of The Woman who turns -him- on. Our sex therapist would be proud of you!
At some point, of course, our partners have to get on board and start doing their part too; that is, begin moving themselves in their respective direction on the Sexual Polarity spectrum. Hence the recent rounds of discussions and sessions between my wife, myself, and our therpist, in my own case. However, for the first 'stage' of recovery, it's alright for one partner to take the lead -- just be careful not to let any frustration over his failures to move build up too much. I've been there and done that, too. If I were you, I would seek out a counselor or sex therapist and get your H to start seeing one with you: having to report weekly to a counselor and do 'homework' exercises helps to keep everyone focused and working the issue, and lets the counselor take on the role of whip-cracker, rather than you.
What you are doing is extremely smart, too, in that you didn't attempt to do a 'role-reversal' and take on the role of chasing -him-, doing to him what you wanted him to do to you....that would have felt very unsatisfying for you, and would have been unsustainable. By turning on your FEM and enticing the chase, you're establishing the dynamic that YOU want, and that turns YOU on, while pulling him along for the ride.
Just remember, and tell yourself this daily, that YOU are sexy and attractive and HOT, exactly as you are, to your man. Not to belittle my own sex too much, but men are extraordinarily easy to stimulate visually or physically, especially when the woman they love is involved. I keep hammering this point home to my wife -- women are far, Far, FAR more critical of their bodies than their men ever are -- we're EASY....take advantage of it!
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Thank you so much. I feel so great about my marriage now. I really think we can create our own little slice of heaven on earth. For so many years, I couldn't believe I had this perfect, wonderful man... Everything I dreamed of finding in a man. His disinterest was CRUSHING, and I was sure that I had to just suck it up and live life without in order to have the perfect, wonderful man. I thought it was some sort of cosmic bargain. I thought I was a brat for wanting anything more than what he was, because I do believe he is a superior man.
If it really revs up and he starts truly desiring for himself, I'm afraid it'll be too good to be true. I'll probably live in fear of being hit by lightening! (chuckle) And, if the rainbow jimmies ever come along, I might just spontaneously combust!
Thanks, as always, for your encouragement and support.
