Hope you've had a good week. My sitch is getting better every day. Last night, W and I were sitting at opposite ends of the couch and she, all of a sudden, got up, came over and snuggled up with me! I was in heaven!!! Its so nice just to sit and hold her. Our 7.5 year anniversary is coming up on Tuesday (our 7 yr was back in March - not a good time to be celebrating) and I have a "new beginnings" surprise for her that involves her original engagement ring - can't wait to give her the surprise!
Funny that optimist mentioned the song by Lee Ann Womack - "I Hope You Dance" - I went out and bought the CD single of that song back in April and it was a huge motivator for me - and, from now on, I am going to dance!
Sorry about the rambling on your thread. Hope you have a great weekend!
Thank you for checking in with me. I'm here and have been thinking of all of you and saying prayers.
I just got back last night from my visit to see H. Things overall went really well. Just a few observations and questions......
We had a really good time. H had planned quite a few nice things to show me and fun things for us to do. We camped some and hiked, which I have really missed, so that was nice. H was very kind and seemed excited to show me around his new discoveries.
I was surprised that I was a little nervous going to see him. Felt like everything needed to be perfect the whole time. Only a few slips: 1. Got a little stressed that he wasn't having a good time, and feeling like I wasn't doing things right. (My response to H saying he was tired one night.) Cried a litle with this, and H said I was "trying too hard," and for me just to relax and enjoy the trip. I guess I was just feeling like this has to be the greatest vacation ever, like I had to be "up" the whole time, etc. Tried not to beat myself up too much for this. I think it's understandable for me to feel a bit nervous since this was our first trip together since all this started. I just can't make it a habit to be nervous around him . 2. Used a sharp tone of voice with H one morning. Afterwards H seemed to withdraw some and seemed angry at me, saying it could have been handled another way. At first this felt like the same old same old, and I almost really blew it by crying, etc. But I explained why I was upset with what he had said, and apologized. H suggested that we apologize and then get on with our day. Then he put his hand on my leg, which is a huge change from the pre-bomb R (when he would have stayed mad at me for hours, if not the whole day. I also have talked to him over and over about him closing up and witholding physical affection when we disagree. So I saw this as a step in the right direction.) 3. I snooped . So much for having this conquered. I went out to the car to get something, and there was a note on H's car from a girl. She was thanking him for helping her move her stuff in to her apt. and she offered for him to come to her apt. for a glass of wine. I said nothing about it to my H, and when he found it, he said it was a thank you from a girl he helped move in. I asked how old she was - young 20's he said. And that was it. The thoughts began to run through - will he have abother A, blah, blah, blah, but I managed to not let them dominate my thougths for too long. This has made me realize that I need to really work on my confidence in our R, and in H's feelings for me. I need to trust him. I also realize that this will continue to happen. Girls will approach him and he will have the opportunity to act on this if he wants to. I have to get better at dealing with this.
Didn't realize how late it was - got to go get the children. I'll try to continue this post tomorrow.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Hey, overall that's pretty damn good if you ask me. Even the problem you listed at number 2 really isn't a problem. You got a little angry at him and you were both able to turn it around through communication and ended up having a great day. That's turning a negative into a positive and you score big on that one. You two will have disagreements in the future so I'm sure it's a relief for both of you to see how you can get past them.
I wouldn't hit a girl, so I'll leave it up to one of the ladies in here to knock you with the 2x4 for snooping. However, you recovered nicely from it and don't seem to be letting what you found agonize you too much. Just tread real carefully with that stuff. If you get caught snooping in the wrong way that could really erode your H's trust in you. But still, a slip up is expected, and I've had them..just learn from it.
There are tons of positives for you to draw on here. Keep focused on those things.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
Hope you are all doing well today. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I'll try to continue my post from yesterday... warning - this is mainly journaling for me and is a little (OK, alot) negative.
Talked to a friend last night about my trip and mentioned the note on H's car I posted about yesterday. (This friend knows the whole story and has been very supportive the entire time.) She said she felt my H could do some things differently. She said there is a way to help someone move in (or whatever) and let them know that he is not available in any way, and there is a way to "help someone" and give them the idea that you may be available. This really sent me into a nose dive. It had occurred to me that maybe my H is keeping his options open so he can leave again if something better comes along. After sleeping on it, I feel a little better, but still not back to where I have been. I don't want to go through life thinking he's with me until he sees something more interesting. It may be nothing. I want to trust my H, but I also don't want to be naive. I don't want to think that my H is interacting with women/girls in such a way that they feel they can approach him with offers for a glass of wine, dinner, or worse. Most of the time, though, I feel like my H is being honest with me, that he loves me and wants to be with me. The last two nights he has called me several times, so I feel like he hasn't taken the girl up on her offer. But this is exactly what I don't want to be thinking about. I don't want to be worried about every pretty young thing that walks by.
My friend also said that she thinks most men (if not all men) enjoy getting attention from women/girls, but it's how you respond and handle the situations that determine what happens or doesn't happen. Any thoughts?
I think alot about my aunt and uncle who have been married for, gosh, almost 40 years, and have made it through breast cancer, job and financial difficulties, etc. They have had their rough patches too, but overall they are solid. And you can see how much my uncle loves my aunt - even though her hair has never grown back very thick, they're heavier than they used to be, they can't do as much physically as they used to, etc. I just want my H to feel like his life is better with me in it, and right now I'm just not sure that he does .
This whole issue is a tough one too b/c it has been a source of tension throughout our R. It has always bothered H that I can't see how much he loves me or why he does. He has always had alot of female friends, but I really believe that this is the first time he has been unfaithful. One of the things I know I need to do is to be more confident in our R and in his love for me, but this is even harder after the A.
A funny thing happened on the trip. We were walking along in a downtown area with lots of shops. A little girl - maybe 13 or 14, with braces and frackles, came up to my H and introduced herself (seemed kind of like a dare - I dare you to go up to that man and say hi, etc.). My H shook her hand, said I'm ______ and this is my wife_____. I was happy that he introduced me as his wife. Pathetic. I feel like Eyeore.
The rest of our trip was great. We saw some really beautiful landscapes, laughed alot, went to a concert, ate some yummy food, hiked and camped. Alot of fun. Almost seemed like when we first met, except now we have the children to talk and laugh about.
After I got home, we had a discussion about finacial decisions and things went really well. We basically were in agreement, but had some differences of opinion on some of the details. He became concerned that we were arguing. I said I felt like we were discussing things and said we would need to discuss things like this often in the future, and that there will be times that we disagree, but that I felt it is important for us to be able to express our feelings/opinions honestly. And that this didn't mean we were arguing. H agreed. There were several moments during this talk when we could have repeated our old pattern, but we didn't, which I saw as a baby step.
While I was visiting H, it occurred to me that I am aware of some of the things that my H was unhappy about in our pre-bomb R, but I'm not exactly clear on what led him to have the A. The issues may be the same, but I'm not sure. H hasn't volunteered this information. I know it's important for me to know this, so do I ask him? The whole idea of saying "Honey, what issues in our M led you to have an A?" makes me want to throw up. Maybe this is one of those things which comes out eventually or that I'll feel more comfortable asking about sometime later.
Sorry for such a long and depressing post. Got to work on that PMA - where did it go?
Hopefully all of you are doing well today. I am so thankful to have this board.
I'll be out of the office for another day or two, but I'll try to catch up with all of you very soon. Even if I'm not posting, I'm thinking of you and praying for you and your families.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Thanks rj - I hope you're doing well. Could you check out my post from today? I was really hoping to get some guy opinions.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Mockers, I see a lot of me in your writings. You appear to be really strong, able to pull yourself up to any occasion, but there are doubts that linger about yourself and the relationship. I think we all have doubts, I think we all want someone to say to us, why do you feel like that, you are bright, beautiful, funny, etc. Who doesn't want reassurance from their spouse or boyfriend? Parents are supposed to give unconditional love, but to get it from another person is much more special. Now, I want to go on record that I think you are all of those things. For some reason on the BB we get drawn into different people's threads, some is just luck, the right timing, but there is an element of that person that attracts us to them.
Quote: One of the things I know I need to do is to be more confident in our R and in his love for me, but this is even harder after the A.
I think you need to be more confident that about you. You have that confidence, it just seems to have dipped a bit. Dig it out again. You are worthy of it all. H is lucky to be with you, he is lucky that you are the mother of his children. They are going through a bad period and are in pain and we are letting them slide for the being, because they are the ones that need the empathy, not us. But that doesn't mean we aren't worthy. It really means we are more worthy? So go do anything that makes you feel better about you. Kids aren't going to stroke our ego, not until they are parents and realize what goes into it, find someone or something (probably the latter, former could get you in trouble) that does.
I hope this makes sense. I have just rediscovered coffee as a diet aide and after years of drinking only decaffineated stuff, my mind is in la la land. Love the flylady site, thanks for that recommendation. Though I don't have my shoes on, my bed is made and sink is shiny!
Yes, I can agree that most men love attention from women. At least I do. Of course I never acted on any attention I received but I still liked to know that women besides my W found me interesting.
Be careful though with what your friend is telling you. It sounds like she is a little bitter and sour on men. While I think it's OK to raise a red flag when you see a note like you saw it is by no means evidence that he is going to have an affair or is even considering an affair. It seems your friend is pretty set on the fact that this note means more than it is because of her views about ways to show appreciation.
Really it makes no difference whatsoever what this woman did. Whether it be the note that you found or if she started stripping in front of your H it makes no difference. The key is how HE reacts to it. If he took the note as a comliment and never has another thought about this woman then who cares what she did. Of course if he acts on it then there is a bigger issue.
For now, you have no choice but to believe what he told you. Let it rest and don't dwell on it. Now is not the time to start mistrusting him. I know it's hard if he had an A on you once already but you have to live for now. If he proves to be dishonest again you can deal with it at that time. But there isn't any use going forward in your life with suspicions and the anxiety involved with that. I don't think there's anything going on anyway. If he was having an A he probably wouldn't have had you around and had such a good time with you...he'd probably be too busy with the person he was cheating on you with. Plus, he'd probably be too nervous to have such a good time with you. He'd be worrying about you or the OW finding out. His actions are not consistant with somebody having an A.
Keep your cool and do your best to notice his actions, which contradict an A, and try not to obsess over this note.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
I said nothing about it to my H, and when he found it, he said it was a thank you from a girl he helped move in. I asked how old she was - young 20's he said. And that was it. The thoughts began to run through - will he have abother A, blah, blah, blah, but I managed to not let them dominate my thougths for too long. This has made me realize that I need to really work on my confidence in our R, and in H's feelings for me. I need to trust him. I also realize that this will continue to happen. Girls will approach him and he will have the opportunity to act on this if he wants to. I have to get better at dealing with this.