Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[Concerned_Listener]

KJ,
You're asking your H to have transparency regarding the OW? Is this something he's willing to do? I get the impression that he's defensive when you bring this issue up.

As you describe, you and your H do have some connection, and that is likely a positive.

I think you're at a crossroads here. You can either continue to pursue like a journalist trying to get information about the status of his A, or figure-out how much connection you're willing to keep, and live in mystery about that part of his life.

When you say that you would no longer be his friend if he continued A, what does that mean? What is your definition of a friend?

CL

[kjensen]

Hi CL,

I wasn't asking for transparency about OW, just that since H restarted the A, and I discovered it on a hunch, I felt deceived(rightly so). I think 'the lying' part of the MLC hits me the hardest. Since I don't want to be lied to, I would rather not be a part of my H's life while he is lying and being dishonest about his relationship with the OW. I would rather take myself out of the equation.

To me, being a friend is being supportive, being honest, sharing the highs and lows and with respect to my H, not just sharing chitchat only..something a bit deeper.

I don't think what H and I have right now is truly a two-way friendship, more of a one-way(my effort, my support, my honesty)relationship. What I had tried to convey to H was that I couldn't be his friend(support, care, listen to his daily life) if he was seeing OW and continuing the A. I didn't need to know all about OW-just whether he planned to continue the A or not. I thought if he continued the A, and by removing myself from H's life as much as possible then the OW could take care of all his needs(and hopefully fail), and maybe he would miss me/our friendship.

I guess what I was asking in my earlier post was, where does my boundary stand, is it truly a boundary, if I don't have the information needed to stand by it? Maybe that means my boundary wasn't well-defined? I don't know. I just know emotionally I have a hard time thinking friendly thoughts, being friendly around my H, if I know he is sleeping with another woman while still married to me. I would feel like a doormat.

So..not knowing about the A...I guess I continue as is. Hope H continues to share periodically, be suspicious in my head all of the time..be hopeful in my heart.

[dl443322]

Hey K, here are my thoughts. And as long as you continue to be his friend and be so available, he has the best of both worlds. He still gets to have his family life and his other life as well.

Dbing is first and foremost for us. Your h is on a journey that he needs to travel through alone.

You need to detach, GAL and try to have a PMA. I think you need to stop contacting h unless it is something urgent about your children. Be upbeat and positive when you are around him. Try not to call,email or text him. He needs to see how life is without you in it so give him a lot of space.

Try not to give him too much headspace. Detach and move forward with your life. Keep busy, find things to do that you like. It really doesnt matter if he is with ow now or not, ya know?

You are doing great!

[D Money]

Hi K. Hope you had a good Easter. The friendship thing is a balancing act. One where you need to find the right balance. For me, I want there to be enough of a connection so when she eventually comes out of the tunnel she feels safe with me and can trust me. But I don't want to be so available that it allows her to be a cake eater.

[Concerned_Listener]

Hi CL,

To me, being a friend is being supportive, being honest, sharing the highs and lows and with respect to my H, not just sharing chitchat only..something a bit deeper.

I don't think what H and I have right now is truly a two-way friendship, more of a one-way(my effort, my support, my honesty)relationship. What I had tried to convey to H was that I couldn't be his friend(support, care, listen to his daily life) if he was seeing OW and continuing the A.

I just know emotionally I have a hard time thinking friendly thoughts, being friendly around my H, if I know he is sleeping with another woman while still married to me. I would feel like a doormat.

KJ,
I think you're struggling with the frustration of not being able to be your H's friend. This is something you would like, but as you say it's a one way street at this time, due to the honesty issue. You were hoping that your declaration of withdrawing friendship would influence him (a test?). It didn't work, and now you must speak with your actions.

You will need to work on acceptance of the current status of your M, and experiment with boundaries, until you find a connection-distance ratio that works for you.

The feelings you're describing are human. Compassion from a distance is the goal, but it takes mental work, realignment of boundaries, and self-care to get to that point.

CL

[kjensen]

Hi everyone-
I think you all are saying be more unavailable, don't initiate contact, but find the right balance for H and I. Don't expect or count on friendship. Let go more.
I guess I thought I was headed this direction, but haven't found the right balance quite yet.
Told H this morning I wouldn't see him at lunch as I have errands to run. He came early this mroning before I could leave(that was my plan)...so I saw him briefly and it is friendly from my side-he's as friendly as he can be considering he's often a walking zombie/exhausted always.

Will try to be busy this week and avoid the house while H is there. Maybe I will see if he'll got to the bank and we can separate accounts, that will be one thing less connecting us.

Almost feels like, even though he left me, I'm now the one pushing him further out the door-as he is half in and half out. That feels weird to me, but I think I get it-

Does this happen alot? Where an MLCer will sort of leave, and the spouse has to be the one to nudge the MLCer to be truly independent? H says this is what he wants, but his actions don't back his words up... I know he is conflicted about his feelings for me..this separation is supposed to help him figure that out, right?

[dl443322]

Hey K, why did you tell him you wouldnt see him at lunch? Just curious. You dont need to tell him what you are doing during the day. You just go about your business unless it is something that he needs to know regarding the children.

My h stayed in the home for 19 months post bomb with me gently nudging him to move forward if that was what he kept saying he wanted. I finally could not move forward and db with him coming
and going as he pleased (he would go away half the week) so I told him he has to go. Might not be what you are comfortable with but it was necessary for ME. I didnt worry about what it meant or if it was going to help us or make him come back. |

Do what feels right for you. Put the emphasis on you and your kids and not on whether it is going to make him change his mind.
You keep saying the splitting of the bank accounts are going to make you more separated. Just go and do it. Open up an account in your name and start to put some money in it.

K, do what makes you happy. Let h blow in the wind right now. He needs to figure it all out on his own.
|
DOnt run anything by him regarding your life. Just live it.

Good luck.

[peacetoday]

K
I also believe for a lot of us lbs, we are the ones to push the MLCer out
MY XH was also happy to visit the home 4x a week to see kids
we spent many hours in conversations where the R was also one sided
me supporting, caring, listening ect
It always hurt when we connected emptionally and XH left
I was the one to tell H to file
I also went dim to iniate less contact to get him moving one way or the other
he moved toward the OW..finally when she became out in open
that is OK
as I kept my head in the sand for 2 years..my H hardly moved
I changed and became the best wife possible under these conditions
I felt inconditional love for H and did all I could to be there
It didnt bring him home
so
now I am detached
we are D
He has let go and so have I
we never know what will happen
many stories are similar and many different
some return, others never
all you can do is try techniques and then cjange modify what may work
but with the mlcer
usually not much works unless they can find therapy and work it thru
peace

[kjensen]

Thanks Peace and BM,
I did end up going home for lunch, 30 minutes later than usual(surprised H a bit) b/c I was exhausted and needed a nap-which I got. Didn't really talk to H too much-just went in my room and slept.

Tonight I had bookclub, but saw H briefly. He shared his day with me-seemed kind of down. I listened and empathized. I shared that I felt when things settle in his mind, he'll be able to sleep-his body will follow suit. He said he'll probably sleep 6 months straight then.. Overall OK day re: interactions with H.

I know I'm still not clear what my path with H is, but I appreciate the variety of experiences and advice given. I think I'm headed somewhere in the middle...I know I am detaching more emotionally-I had an urge to drive by OW's house on the way home to see if H's car was there, but didn't. That's not who I want to be-the rejected/clingy spouse. Realized it really wouldn't change a thing one way or the other whether he was there or not. Don't really think he is there during the week anyway, but who knows.

[kjensen]

This morning I left before H arrived. Didn't go home for lunch. I had no contact with H since last evening. ( I know, I know a big whopping 15 hours). H called me at work today to check-in. He wondered where I was as he had been waiting for me to get home to have lunch with me...We had a friendly chat, I explained I had errands that I had to run and I asked H is he could see if the girls could spend some time with him this weekend-he agreed. He's hesitant since the last time he felt very rejected by them, but I think its important he keeps trying and I need a break from teenage moodiness!

H said he'd call me later to check-in...He seems to like the routine we're in. He did say he slept better last night. I wonder if that means he was with OW since the last time he 'slept better than he had in months' he had spent the night with her!I kept my mouth SHUT! :-) If he calls or texts me tonight I'll know he's not with OW...I know I shouldn't care but a little part of me does.

I'm a bit down today b/c I asked my doctor to order tests for STDs(just in case) b/c H slept with me after being with OW(without protection)...Its just is embarassing for me to ask for those tests, and I'm mad I was put at possible risk. I really want to ask H to use protection if this A continues but I can't bring OW up so ....

Will keep up dimness(I know I'm probably not very dim am I?)-not initiating contact. I do feel in my situation that responding to H's efforts with friendliness is important. I think if I totally ignored him it would backfire, at least right now. Might work later.