Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[kjensen]

Thanks DM,

I agree Upbeat and Friendly is the way to go! And learn from past mistakes...

Well more drama-it certainly is a full moon-I should've known better than to go home for lunch!

So I emailed my H whha I thought was a loving, caring email in which I shared with him that I didn't care about knowing stuff before he was ready to share. I again appreciated the good days we'd recently had and hoped we wouldn't have too much set back with todays' disruption....

the Gods weren't smiling...

While I was emailing him, he had already emailed me...So he thought my email was in response to his email and took it totally as a nastygram...my sentence: "Honestly I had been curious and did want to see it(the credit card report), but it really doesn't matter to me at this point-and that was a revelation to me sitting in your office-it really does not matter to me anymore. I have no desire to find out information on my own... The important thing to me is that I want to hear from you whatever you want to share, when you want to, if you want to. To me, whatever I learn is more valuable coming from you through your perspective."

So besides the order of emails being different for both of us(and therefore the context of what was said), my H took my highlighted sentence to mean that I didn't care about him anymore, that I was done...

So his last email ended with this "Given that things do not matter to you anymore, I would like to split up our bank accounts. That way, if I need extra money to live, I won't feel guilty about spending "your" money."

OY VAY!!!! This could be the plot of a dramedy about miscommunication..!

I did later talk to my H and it began as a very heated exchange from him, with alot of remorse and confusion from me(b/c I just now figured out the order of emails was different for both of us)..I did some active listening and validation and things calmed. He still plans to move his office and separate our accounts. He realizes that this limbo he's created isn't good and creates problems. As hard as it is to hear that(b/c it feels like more steps away from me), I think it might be needed(for him). So I'm trying to remain upbeat and remember all things like this can be reversed. There has been no mention of legal separation or divorce in months.

H said I should text him tonight if I want...

One thing H said in his first email to me(the one he thought I was responding to..) was:"I have felt for some time that I had "little to lose" any more when it comes to our relationship. I think, in part, that is why I started talking with OW again. With the exchange at my desk today, I felt like that sense of little to lose was being reinforced".

So anyone else hear of this feeling "little to lose" b/c in the past H has said he has 'more to lose' than I.. Just wondered if it was part of the MLC mindframe..

I think I am learning. Not to engage if at all possible, to detach(a word my H sees as negatively loaded)..to reinforce the positive. Just have to be better at emails so they can't get so misunderstood!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I think I am learning. Not to engage if at all possible, to detach(a word my H sees as negatively loaded)..to reinforce the positive. Just have to be better at emails so they can't get so misunderstood!

Pretty sure you are learning...sucks when you have to learn the hard way huh? But those lessons usually last longer.

I refused to talk with my wife in emails, becuase things could be taken out of context too easily. At least about the feelings stuff.

Direct and to the point emails...fine.

"I will pick up boys at 6 pm. B will have your credit card bill with him. Change the address to your address."

[kjensen]

It does suck learning this way. I do think my sense of humor is returning a bit though..I really do think today's emails were a comedy of errors...
Frustrating when conversations go awry-because of one ill-thought out statement...then emails b/c H's filter is strong to weed out all of the good stuff(at least he admitted that might have happened today), and texting I'm so new at-I stink...
Good point on emails...I always thought I did better in writing, but it seems NOT to be the case :-)

Oh well. Not sure if I should see H at lunch tomorrow-he has therapy in AM...I'm sure his mind will be awhirling afterwards..
Thanks for checking in Jack- I do value your experience and cutting-to-the-heart-of-the-matter perspective.

[trampledheart]

Hi kjensen,

I read through your thread today and I though I'm not in any position to give advice, I think it's much easier to see what's going on from an objective point of view (someone else's situation - not mine)...

I think your H is starting to go through what my H had gone through, and now seeing it from hindsight, I wish I had done things differently. When your H asked your mutual friend if he could go camping and bring OW, stating that his own kids weren't interested in going, that is a big sign. My H did similar things. He would tell his family that our D wasn't interested in coming to this or that, when in fact, he never even invited her.

You were also lucky in that you had a mutual friend tell you what your H's plans or thoughts were about what he wants to do - that he sees a future with OW.

With this information from your mutual friend and behavior (camping), I'm worried what more he will do... My H had done so much damage to our family and I would hate to see you go through what I had. If I had a chance to do things over, I think I would do as 25yearsmlc had stated. It would save you a lot of pain and heartache. I know that it seems harsh and maybe you can't see having to take such drastic measures, but maybe taking the stance she had suggested would not be a bad idea. It would give him less time to get his things in order, less time for him to get himself set-up to be able to leave completely when he's good and ready. It seems that MLCers lie so much that it becomes second nature. It seems they really don't care about anyone but themselves. If you H is not sharing with you, the things you already know, then maybe he's compartmentalizing his life (living a dual life), having different "realities" depending on who he is talking to... Almost like how we give only certain information of our lives to friends at work, yet we're still "friends"...

I may be wrong, but maybe you should re-read 25yearsmlc's posts.

Take care, and thanks for posting on my thread and advising me...

[kjensen]

Thanks TH. I really don't think H is planning a future with the OW. He told me as much in a text(I know I can't always believe him) and from what I know about her-they really have the being active thing in common, but if she is scary when she is angry and have already had some fights...I don't think its meant to last..
When my H realizes he has everything to lose and not a "little to lose" I think things will turn. Not sure when that will happen, but we will see.

Saw H briefly this morning as I left. He slept better last night(which is GOOD-sleep deprivation makes everything worse!)
Had a nice hug. Things felt OK.
My Plan:
-Always be working on staying detached and emotionally healthy-no rescuing behavior.
-Low or no expectations, keep hopes in check.
-Be pleasant and upbeat.
-Listen more than I speak. Use Active listening/validation as needed.
-No R/A/OW talk(this I have been doing well until yesterday-then just about R)
-Show H through actions and NOT words, that I am forgiving and NOT judging him.
-Do things for me and spend wuality time with my girls.


Its hard when H perceives everyone he knows as being a judge and jury on his behavior-he transfers a LOT of stuff onto everyone around him. Don't know how/when this transferrence thing dissipates. I think once he sees he's projecting his feelings and their not coming from the outside, things can improve, because then I (and his friends who care deeply for him) won't be the enemy.. Anyone go through this projection/transferrence stuff with a spouse?

[D Money]

Good Morning K!

How do you plan on showing that you are forgiving and not judging through your actions? I have told my wife this but I struggle with how to show her.

[Mach1]

Good Morning,

Early in this I made a list of things that I would like in a relationship. Each night I would go through a mental check-list to make sure I gave what I wanted.

Honesty
Integrity
Love
Honor
Thoughtfulness
Trust
Friendship



Etc........

Has to be YOUR list......

But I would show those things to her everyday...

At some point....you have to BE the change you want to see in them....




Results will vary..not valid in some states....

[SoCo]

Good Morning,

Early in this I made a list of things that I would like in a relationship. Each night I would go through a mental check-list to make sure I gave what I wanted.

Honesty
Integrity
Love
Honor
Thoughtfulness
Trust
Friendship



Etc........

Has to be YOUR list......

But I would show those things to her everyday...

At some point....you have to BE the change you want to see in them....




Results will vary..not valid in some states....

I agree with this advice. LMAO on the results will vary Mach!! I know mine certainly did. Even if it doesn't "pay off" with your h, it will "pay off" down the road for YOU.

[kjensen]

Good Morning D, Mach and SoCo,
I hadn't figured out how to show forgiveness yet. I like Mach's list-definitely a good place to start.

I guess my thinking was: If I'm not talking about the R/A or OW, then most of our conversations are kept"light" as H would say.. Listening with an open heart and mind were primary actions I thought I should do daily, as the occasion arose.
I feel like in many ways I have been showing forgiveness by not asking questions, demanding to know anything...by being pleasant and not giving off a hurt/angry vibe.
I have definitely been supportive and appreciative of all of H's efforts regarding keeping contact with me. I've been supportive of his move out, starting antidepressants(he is usually anti- anthing to do with medication), starting therapy and helped him find his apartment(he hasn't included me in the quest for bigger space..)

I realize some of those actions bordered on rescuing, so I'm watching what I do and will most likely be supportive in words only in the future.

The obstacle I think will be the filter through which H currently sees the world and my actions. he truly is not in the same reality as me, at times. I don't know how my actions will change that but I guess I was hopeful with time, patience, consistency in word and action, antidepressants and therapy my H will come back to same reality we all reside in...

I did order a book today by Janis Abrams Springs that my therapist recommended...How can I Forgive you...hopefully some good ideas in there too.

Mach you are funny!

[Mach1]

I hadn't figured out how to show forgiveness yet.

That has to come from inside of you....If YOU F-ed up, how would YOU want that shown to you ?

Mach you are funny!

but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny





JK I love that movie !