Given the similarities or your sitch to mine, consider picking up a copy of "No More Mr Nice Guy" (NMMNG) in text or audio version. You may be surprised by what you learn about you - I certainly was surprised.
Also, it sounds like you're still in Stage 1: "reducing the negative emotions". I would think flirting would backfire, but certainly listen to DQ's advice.
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H40 (me) W34 (WAW) S6 T11 M10
Feb09: Need a break bomb Mar09: I moved to apartment to GAL, PMA, NMMNG Apr09: WAW 'dating' OM at work, positive around me lately.
Yes, I'm reading a similar book about nice-guy-itis but I'll give that title a look. I've heard it mentioned a bunch of times on this forum.
Sounds like I should do some more reading about the first stage.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Mr.NG - Where can I read about the chitstorm? I'm on pins and needles now. I didn't buy OMW's claim that she had no reason to suspect anything...I knew she would be all over that and the storm would follow. If you fear you are being followed by W on this thread, is that why you won't post them here?
Orangedog...I will try to get back to your sitch later today! Hang in there.
Quick update: Yesterday my W asked me if she could join me and our sons at church on Easter Sunday, (I was very surprised) which I said yes and she asked if I was ok with this and I said that I am. This is the first time since before she left in which she wanted to do something with us as a "family". I don't have any expectations and will enjoy myself at the services. Then I’ll take my boys to my parents for Easter celebration and my W will go back to OM, she is not planning on doing anything with her family.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
At first glance, it doesn't sound to me like your W is having an affair, but she is definitely gearing up and ready to be and act single again. I think for some people, the lure of the freedom of feeling single can be just as compelling as an actual affair. To me that's what it sounds like your W is doing.
You mentioned your depression and MLC. I hope you are taking steps for yourself to really pull out of that over time. I do know enough about depression to understand you, but I also have some degree of it myself and I have finally had to find out on my own that I can in fact employ many mental techniques to keep it under control. Then it doesn't spill outward from me and affect my friends and family. I hope you can find that same place. And I also find that when I employ the correct mental techniques consistently over time, it tends to battle my depression almost out of existence. If I stop with the mental techniques, it comes back very quickly. So I have basically learned to live with the mental techniques running through my mind constantly, understanding finally now that if I don't, depression will come back right away. But if I do, I can have not only a depression free life but also, I can have a great positive attitude which then helps me manifest positive things in my life.
So for you and your sitch, I would say that you should spend all of your emotional energy right now toward battling depression, and not toward figuring out what your W is doing. That doesn't mean just lay down and watch her walk out the door. But it won't do you much good to stop her from wanting to leave but not have your own house in order to offer her a good positive husband to come back to, right?
You also mentioned that you have apathy toward her at times, like she doesn't want you so why bother trying. I feel sad to hear that one. I do get it though. But it makes me sad because that is largely how my husband always felt about me and us, and his in-action toward me was the reason I finally left him. He really always expected more than he gave and wouldn't give until he got. So we were always in this state of waiting for the other one to give more than they got. I did eventually give more, because it was in my nature to give even when I didn't get...but it was like he would only give 2 if I gave 3, so he was always a step behind. Somehow he wanted me to prove my love to him stronger than he proved it to me and he felt justified in this. I'm not saying this is about you, but just hear me out.
Please go check out my other thread about why affair relationships don't last. Its called "Just a bit of hope..." and its in this section. I talked about how the dynamics of male/female pursuit works. Basically in a nutshell, males have to have the urge and drive to pursue the female, or the relationship won't work. That doesn't mean he has to do more work than the female, but it means that he has to have within him enough interest and attraction and emotion for the female to PURSUE her actively. The female should be receptive to his active pursuit. When this dynamic is working, the relationship is lovely and works. But if the woman has to do the pursuit, eventually the realtionship breaks down.
So if your W has pursued you in the past and you have been receptive to her pursuit, but not actively pursuing her, then there is a lot to fix in your dynamic. Which doesn't surprise me to hear she had said "its not you, its the dynamic".
ppenton....that is great for your family about Easter. Not to be a downer but, she likely thinks of herself as a saint for spending a couple of hours of family time. Now she can "guilt-free" run off and spend the rest of her day with OM. Sorry, because I know you hope this is a good sign, but its not necessarily one. It is likely to be a great day for you all, and I think you should really enjoy it as it might be one of the last of its kind....but on the other hand, don't ever lose sight of the fact that she has abandoned those kids on you and her focus is only on the OM.
I know you know this, I'm not lecturing. I feel bad as I know you still wait and hope for a good sign.
The only thing that might change this for you is when her and OM crash and burn, and it will happen. It will likely take another year though.
In the meantime, look GREAT at church, make sure the kids look great, and make it seem like you have important plans later in the day so you have to rush off. Don't linger in the parking lot or ask her out to lunch after. Just assume she will rush out of there, so you rush out of there, too. Actually DO have plans too, don't just bluff.
I just have to say, I don't understand people who abandon their kids. I just don't understand it and that is one area where I can't really give advice. I always put my kids first and I would have never done what your W is doing...my ex-h is the one who abandoned our kids, apparently to punish me. So it strikes a chord with me and makes me hurt for you. I've been there.
