Starting to get "It" #2

[sandi2]

You sound good. You know what I was thinking while reading your stitch? All the different posts where you mentioned how you felt that day or you referred to it as a good or bad day. You aren't alone doing that b/c so many people on the board measures their day based on how well they think the DBing went or how the spouse acted toward them. I was just thinking........I can't remember the last time I thought that I was in a bad mood or my H didn't act like I wanted him to, or it was a crappy day b/c of my H's mood, etc. So, you will get to that place where you don't think about all of that stuff all the time. However, if you could make a concious effort to no be "moody" and try to maintain the same mood (at least on the front)it will help train you to not let your emotions dictate to you how your day is going to be. I am saying this from experience, btw. When I was a lot younger, I thought the world should revolve around "my" mood.... But one day at work I noticed that nobody was paying one bit of attention to my "mood". Of course, I wasn't thinking of it being a mood, as I recall, I thought I had a serious concern.....lol. However, it was discovering that those people I worked with could care less about my moods or whatever was going on at my house. I begin to take notice of people who seemed very grounded were the same every day. They did not show wide mood swings like I was doing......and you know what? I really admired those people who could do that and I began right then and there trying to work on myself to be more the same each day. Of course, there are times of sadness, troubles, or great happiness, etc. But everyone has these things in life. As I said, that was many years ago and when you do learn not to allow bad emotions to dictate your behavior, then you can say you have truly grown as a person b/c it is not an easy thing to accomplish.

You asked about the sleeping medication and you probably just need to talk to your doctor about it. Most prescription meds for sleep is addictive, but your sleep is very important and if you aren't getting more than 3 or 4 hours a night, then there's no wonder you are moody. You need to get your sleep or you will have other problems to arise with your health and you don't need that right now. You can deal with tappering off after all this is over. I went for a long, long time on very little sleep every night and I can promise you that it is bad on the body! You reach a place that you can't "deal" with anything and I personally think that is one reason you are having some of your mood problems. I hope you will think about it. You want to do what you need to but you aren't feeling well. You are worn out and I think it has a lot to do with not getting the proper rest you need.

So, take care,
Sandi

[25yearsmlc]

Hate to sound Pro-drug and all...but for once, I have to take issue with the whole "addicted"thing. It's important. But sleep deprivation is really underrated as a problem and it leads to SO many other health issues and R issues at a time when you can least afford it. And We are not discussing taking a med to "feel high"....

I definitely found taking certain sleep aids helped me so much I finally looked forward to sleeping, intead of fearing the nightmares. And I wasn't groggy in the mornings which I was when I didn't get sleep. Not to mention the whole mood thing...and not functioning well at work, ETC ETC Frankly, I'd rather go through withdrawal from ambien (if there is one--and from what I read, withdrawal consists of "rebound insomnia" which is what I already had!), than never sleep well again in the next year...

That's my two cents...

(( j )0

[LR1]

Sandi, this is going against the grain of your last post and I will get there eventually but I am still counting the days and had another good one. Still pretty uneventful but we were there for each other today. It seems there must be something in the stinking water where I live because we have 2 other couples that we hang with and found out today that they are now looking at separating or divorce. Also, the friend of my W that I don't really approve of just called her today and said her marriage is on the rocks (big surprise there), not to mention our neighbors I have already mentioned. That means that every friend that we have that we are close to is now in the same boat as us.

This really sucks and makes me question if we have a chance on one hand but then also makes me think that we might learn from all of these other couples and come back together?

Sandi, to go along with what you said earlier, my "mood" has evened out. It is probably a combination of the celexa, my growing, my faith, me seeing my neighbor and his abusive anger and me not wanting to be that way, and many other factors, but the thing is it has gotten better. And our relationship has improved more in the last week than in the last 6 months combined.

Im staying patient and acting "as if" and hoping for the best.

Also, to both Sandi and 25 - I agree with both of you and I am still taking the ambien and will deal with any withdrawal symptoms later, but I need my sleep now.

LonelyRzr

[LR1]

Another update:

Looks like my string of good days end and its no fault of mine. My *&^!$#$# in-laws are all over my W again. They are causing so many problems. I watched the kids last night and W left to supposedly go to the hospital to see her aunt and to another hospital to see her cousin who was in labor. Apparently she didn't go to either place and her parents are questioning her on this but NOT TO HER? They are asking me, asking her sister, asking everyone but her and its ridiculous. They are so manipulative and underhanded. They always try to catch you in a lie or doing something wrong instead of just being straight. I have not said a word and think it may have just been a misunderstanding, but part of me thinks she may be lying. Regardless, I never said anything about it and stayed my new persona - calm, nice and even tempered. I was compassionate to her in letting her vent about her parents and how I got them involved. Never complained or defended just validated.

W is hurt by all of this and she even said to me today that if they don't stop she is going to move away. I told her that I wouldn't let her move away and she said I couldn't stop her and I said you will not move our kids away from me. Her parents will not tell her what they are mad about. My MIL is crazy! She is bi-polar and if she ever gets stressed, there is hell to pay and its usually my W that gets it.

Not sure what to do. W and parents are meeting tomorrow with my W's IC to mediate this problem. This is absolutely crazy! I am sorry that I am rambling but it is so frustrating to actually see progress and then her parents move in and beat her down emotionally again. I really think that if we make it through this and W comes back, we need to separate ourselves from this family and move away. We will sacrifice a lot financially but the stress and hurt they put out is not worth any amount of money.

Hopefully, this counseling tomorrow will help them come to some sort of resolution, but I just don't know what to think. Her parents are hurting our chances at reconciling because they won't just let her heal. They keep bringing up OM and will not just let it die.

[25yearsmlc]

I'd support the moving away or your w going to some sort of intensive workshop to learn to break her addiction to the drug of her toxic family. I personally prefer workshops (no cults please...) b/c whenever I made progress in C, I'd make a breakthrough and then have to go back to work or home or whatever...but instead, I went to a workshop for 4 days and by the end of it, I had made a lot of breakthroughs and had a PLAN and ways to move forward.

Only after that, was I able to disconnect from some toxic relationships b/c I had enough uninterrupted time and space to work through it...

Barring that, get her out of there. SO instead of telling her you won't "let her go" with the kids (I know why you said that, but think of how it sounds to HER), tell her
that you'd support her leaving, together and getting the kids away from that too. REgardless of what happens to the M....(besides, maybe your inlaws could back off a bit too when they learn of the intent to move. They're NOT well).

(( j ))

[LR1]

25,

Thanks for the input. They are in still in the session now so its been going on 2 hours. Not sure how things are going, but I hope they are ok. Another development today which will probably bring down hell onto me is my FIL and BIL are firing the OM today.

Barring that, get her out of there. SO instead of telling her you won't "let her go" with the kids (I know why you said that, but think of how it sounds to HER), tell her
that you'd support her leaving, together and getting the kids away from that too. REgardless of what happens to the M....(besides, maybe your inlaws could back off a bit too when they learn of the intent to move. They're NOT well).

I agree with this statement. I know that what I said didn't sound good to her, but when I said that she backed off and said that she would never take them from me. So we weren't fighting and she was frustrated and I definitely understand that now is the time that we remove ourselves from this situation. I just hope that we can do it together.

[sandi2]

Well, I tried to give the parents the benefit of the doubt, but I think they have gone way too far now. Who ever heard of a woman who was 36 years old having her parents go with her to her IC to get this problem settled? You are right; it is crazy. Your wife is an adult and they are treating her like a child. It is as if she has nothing to say in the matter. I don’t blame her for wanting to move away from them. In fact, their controling ways may be the root of her problem in the MR. With her mother being the way she is.....there is not telling what kind of influence she has had on your wife.

“W is hurt by all of this and she even said to me today that if they don't stop she is going to move away. I told her that I wouldn't let her move away and she said I couldn't stop her and I said you will not move our kids away from me. Her parents will not tell her what they are mad about. My MIL is crazy! She is bi-polar and if she ever gets stressed, there is hell to pay and its usually my W that gets it.”

Let me talk about something here. It is good, as I said before, that your in-laws support you, but it is not good that they are placing you in the middle of them and your wife. That is a lose-lose situation. Now, I know you did not realize how that above statement you made to your wife sounded. I know the first thing that popped into your mind was the thought of her trying to move off with your kids. But……what she “heard” from you was you siding with the enemy (her parents). She felt hurt and betrayed by you......who should be protecting her. Yes, it is good when the in-laws support you, and at first I thought that was what they were doing, but now, I think it is plain control. If I'm not getting my stitches confused, didn't they even decide to pull back on the money? That is treating you like children. That is why is is hard working for relatives.

I don’t know if this is the wisest advice in the world or not, but it comes from a gal that suffered at the hands of a MIL that ruled her children and their families after they married. I truly believe with all my heart that if we would have moved off away from her where she couldn’t call or come by to see us every day, and keep close tabs on our business--that our M would have been much more successful. Her interference caused me very much misery.

In your W’s case, she feels that her own family is down on her instead of giving her support. This is just my opinion but if you could get a job away in another area where your little family would far enough away from her family bossing you and her like you two were little kids, it would make a huge difference. Right now, I even think she would see you as her Knight in Shinning Armor that has recued her from them and the misery they represent to her. She has already threathened to do it without you, but in her heart she is hoping you will take the bull by the horns and lead the way.

Her family may mean well and don’t realize how controlling they are, but I can testify to the fact it will ruin a good R between a couple. I hope you will not allow that to happen. Maybe it was b/c of her mother (or the rest of her family) that played a part in making her feel like she did toward you and the M and to turn to another person. She is miserable and she wants to be whisked away and ride off into the sunset with her knight so they can live happily ever after. Okay, so we know it isn’t that simple. But, I think that is what she wants never-the-less. The good thing is that she is wanting to make this work with you. Her feelings are confused and maybe she is numbed by all the other crap going on……but I believe she still loves you very much. I think she is hoping that you will be her hero.

As far your friends that are going through M problems, separating, divorcing, etc. I really hate that, but let me say this regarding being around them and, as you said, “learning from them”. I am afraid for you to do that. The reason is that you have all you can carry on your plate right now and you need to just focus on you and your wife…….not your friends problems as well. I know that that sounds terribly selfish, but it isn’t that you are being selfish, but it is your survival plan. You must put your M first, even before your friends. It is like trying to save a drowning man and he is fighting you and ends up drowning both of you. So, as hard as it may be…….I really think that you and your W do not need to be around all that negative atmosphere. If you are around your buddy and he is down and out over his wife and M……do you honestly think that is going to pick you up and make you feel better? No, you are going to put his problems on the plate with yours. The two of you will start talking about women and how crazy they are.....you don't need that! If everything else was okay, then fine……that is what you would need to do, but I think you need to explain to your friends that it breaks your heart that this is happening to them, but you have to pour all of your time, energy, attention and work into trying to save your M first……and the fact is that they need to do the same thing. It is different with your personal friends than it is here on the DB board. B/c even though we care about each other, etc., it is just not the same as with the people you hang out with, etc. I’m not suggesting you never see them again! I just don’t think it would be a good idea to form some type of “group therapy” with each other at this time. All of you need to be in different IC or MC for help b/c you all know each other and the spouses too well and it gets too personal (if you know what I mean). Anyway, that is my take on it and even though I did not explain it very well, I have a strong gut feeling about that. You really need to find new friends at Church or other positive places that takes your mind off of your M problems instead of focusing it on them all the time. Being at Church may cause you to focus on it, but it would be in a growing productive way.

Well, I feel that I am the one that has rambled again. But I hope you see what I’m trying to explain. You are having a difficult time keeping your moods and emotions on an even keel and I think being around others that are in a negative mood and upset is not going to be a good thing. Hope you stay “balanced” with that piece of advice, okay?

Back to your R with your W and her parents. If you work for your FIL, it probably makes him and the MIL feel as though they have a free ticket to tell you two how to live, how to raise your kids, and about everything else. They may be fine people………but fine people fall into the habit of doing this to their adult children. Before she M you, her parents were suppose to protect her. But now, it is your duty to protect her………even if it is from her own family members. The hardest thing for you to do will be to lay down some boundaries for “them”. Such as, no asking “you” things they should be asking her. Nothing that puts you in the middle. Or else tell them not to be asking her those types of questions...period. I think she feels weak at this time and wants desperately to lean on her H for his strength. There were times when I would be turned inside out and upside down emotionally and all I wanted was to be held and to know that I was secure, safe, protected, and loved. Not judged, not scolded, not questioned, but just held in strong loving arms that would keep me that way as long as I needed.

Well, hope you have a good weekend. Keep doing what works. I hope you will think about what I have said.

Sandi

[stillloveshim]

Dude,
I have no idea how you can do it but the In-laws REALLY need to butt out. They are going to be more trouble in the future.

[25yearsmlc]

Also fwiw, my h and I found that in general, we were MUCH better off being around couples who get along b/c what we need are NOT MORE NEGATIVE ROLE MODELS BUT MORE POSITIVE ONES... we all grew up with negative stuff we thought we'd avoid. But in times of stress we revert to what we know. And so, make it something good.

Get some happy couples and hang out with THEM...

(( j ))

[sandi2]

It is hard not to take "sides" with our friends. Which in turn, could cause more problems between you and your wife unless it is not a "foursome" type of friendship. But, as it has already been pointed out, you need to be around those who are good role models and who offer hope and encouragement. I have learned from personal experience that when you are with a negative friend that you share a common interest........it does NOT help your feelings at all! It only ends with both of you (or more) pulled down and depressed about the situations. So, I hope you can distant yourself from those who have the same problems as you for now and work at staying positive.

Take care,
Sandi