This helps a great deal: "But, you need to know that its not true. She is just trying to justify her feelings, as crazy as they are. In her mind she will make him look like the greatest thing ever and you a chump, therefore, it helps her remove the guilt."
In my situation, I chose to move out to an apartment so that WAS could come back to house from a hotel. This gave me a chance to re-establish my own independence. Two things I've observed: (1) I packed up and moved all of my belongings to storage, but most of my clothes I chose to no longer wear, buying new clothes that I picked out myself; (2) W emptied the house of all photos, bought a bunch of new clothes for herself, and repainted the master bedroom.
I've heard before that following a breakup women do things like cut their hair as a symbolic breaking ties gesture for themselves. I think my W's actions with the house are similar.
Today, I took my son to church since he loves to play with his friends in the kids classes. I went to service, but left after 10 minutes, unable to handle the feeling of jumping out of my skin -- mainly because everybody I knew was nowhere to be seen. I sat in my car until the service ended and picked up my son, which is when everybody I knew came out of the woodwork of course - inviting me to lunch, etc.
I then dropped off my son to my W who was very pleasant today (up, down, up, down, up, down). We discussed our child care schedule including upcoming vacations that she already booked and one that I am working on. For some reason, she felt compelled to tell me that she was traveling with one of her girlfriends. It was either a change of traveling companions, or a flat lie, not sure ---- and not sure I even care anymore.
I left and had lunch with one of my new Meetup.com social groups.
A couple days earlier, I had bought a new linen shirt and jeans - dressing up my normal shorts and t-shirt look. I wore this to church today, intending to show others at church and then my W that I was buying new clothes on my own and that I could look better dressed. However, throughout the day that followed I realized that I felt much better about myself being dressed up a bit better. It compelled me to shop some more, hence the following:
I went shopping this afternoon and bought myself four new pairs of shoes, four shirts, and new boxers - all designed to upgrade my casual look. My W ALWAYS helped me pick out clothes before, because she had the 'fashion sense'. So I consulted the store personnel at Banana Republic, Dilliards, Nordstrom Rack, et cetera to find an updated style that worked for me and to understand WHY such a style works for me so that I can shop on my own moving forward. Granted, I don't recommend blowing a bunch of money at once, but I sure feel and look good today. :-)
My point about the clothing was that I started out trying to impress others and ended up impressing myself -- which, of course, is the way it should be right now... doing things for me, not for anyone else.
1) Does showing friendship imply that we are happy and content with the separation? 2) Does being a close friend give the WAS/cheater their 'cake', and provide no reason to change?
It seems like the negativity of a WAS has no limit. I can play perfectly nice and be accommodating and yet my wife will tell others that I'm being difficult or a jerk. EVERY time we talk, she finds something to complain about me (albeit not to me).
I have to ask...who is paying for the house? I would insist that you go back. Right now she's got all the cards and you've got nothing. The first rule is NEVER leave the home. She wants out of the R, then she should be the one to leave.
In terms of her blaming you for being controlling. That's a theme that alot of WASs have. Some true, some not. My W accused me of being the same and I believed her until I "woke up" and figured out that she was controlling me. That's when I called her out on her bluff and promptly kicked her butt out of the house.
Sometimes the WAS blames the LBS for shortcomings or faults that they see in themselves. They actually transfer all their insecurities to the LBS. It's very typical.
Your W now is cake eating. Take charge and get your life back. If not, then the OM is going to be enjoying your house, your kid, your W. How would you like that?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
We are splitting the cost of the mortgage. She is covering all utilities and luxuries of the house.
Originally Posted By: stuck808
In terms of her blaming you for being controlling. That's a theme that a lot of WASs have. Some true, some not. My W accused me of being the same and I believed her until I "woke up" and figured out that she was controlling me.
Yeah, my response to that realization was that I asked for a divorce. The shock of ME asking for the D set her back for about a week, then returned to her foggy passive-aggressive anger.
Originally Posted By: stuck808
Sometimes the WAS blames the LBS for shortcomings or faults that they see in themselves. They actually transfer all their insecurities to the LBS. It's very typical.
Hmmm... I'll have to observe that and see if it follows her blame and behavior.
Originally Posted By: stuck808
Your W now is cake eating. Take charge and get your life back.
I'm GALing and DBing, but not sure I am at the point or even know HOW to 'take charge and get my life back'.... yet. Perhaps my DB coach will have some insight in a few weeks.
Take charge by writing down a list of what you want in an ideal relationship and how you see the ultimate you. Then go forward and make it happen.
I would seriously look at going back home first. A man's home is his castle and you've got a "fool" looking to move into yours. I would go back and reclaim my kingdom...ESPECIALLY since YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT!
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
