Okay, it's late and this is long, but you bring up so many issues and you are new to this... FIrst please read the DB books, especially the Divorce Remedy one, as it focuses a bit more on DB techniques and not quite as much on bashing the concept of divorces in general, which WE all "get" anyhow...but you need to apply the principles you are reading about and posting about here and, sweet KJ, you are not.
If you think you have been DBing and you are reading the real books, by now you see you were mistaken. We've all been there. The good news is that maybe when you really do apply them, you'll see results. Just in reading a few of your posts I see you are doing almost everything it says NOT to do....so snap out of that, come up with a plan and STICK with it....Lots of us are around to help you formulate yours.
I see by your registration date you just found all this out in October and nothing before that indicated a serious problem to you? Have you searched inside for your role in this situation?
This is not about blaming you but protecting you. How so? B/c when you go to a marriage c and say "we" have a problem...if the c says, "YOUR H" is the problem, there are a lot of w's/LBSers who'd say "YAY...IT IS HIM, NOT ME!" and they'd be stupid for saying that.
Why? b/c if there's nothing you are doing that can improve then YOU'RE TOTALLY HELPLESS as you are already just fine and perfect...(aside from how unrealistic that is, I'm really trying to show you that there are practical meaningful GOOD reasons for searching within HARD and Bravely so that you improve as a woman)--fixing your flaws, doing some 180s', growing and becoming the best woman you can be, or as I am wont to say, "GAL and Be a woman only a fool would leave". So you see, if your h is "the" problem and you played no role in this, damn. You have NO control over your h, or his behavior or YOUR LIFE in the near future and now it means that the kids futures, their lives and the lives of their children (and even the marital "legacy" they leave behind is ALL GOING TO DEPEND ON YOUR H CHANGING???? Let's hope not and Of course not. You control you and all your reactions to what life throws at you.
When I go to mc, I want to be "the" problem b/c I trust and know that I Will damn well do whatever it takes to get my ego and pain and anger and sense of self righteousness out of the way, so that I can rebuild, restore or reconstruct a strong marriage with a foundations I HELPED make -- and THEN I'll FEEL SAFE... I can only control me and my reactions to what life throws at me. If I have to trust that he's "fixing his issues"...um, no that does not make me feel safe. Blaming OW is a bit too easy to do, though God knows it does not help your sitch and IS infuriating...
I'm going to give you some background on signs of MLC that were alluded to earlier and I thought I'd throw in a few other things in too. My sitch seems to be progessing well and that is consistent, IN HINDSIGHT, with MLC but I could never be sure at the time...but there are some factors in addition to what you read earlier, to look for, while bearing in mind that this does NOT change what you must DO.
Yes your h is conflicted. That is clear. As to whether he is in MLC or found his "real love/happiness", (in his mind anyhow) is not clear. But your approach has to be the same. In a very important way, you need to see that it does NOT matter whether 1-this is a transient weird fluke issue from the past that reared its' ugly head, or 2-this is the new and permanent jerk h so get used to it cuz he aint' gonna improve and likely will spiral downward so guard your coins and valuables, or 3- he's in full blown MLC and IF SO, 4-how long will it take and 5-how long can you wait AND OH BY THE WAY.....most, do not come back to the LBSers anyhow so you may be "waiting for nothing"" and 6- even if he does come back bruised and tattered and maybe NOT improved...do YOU Want that in your life then??? Lots of unknowns...what to look for and what you DO know are listed below...
First, The only real diff in MLC vs WAH/jerk, is in your hopes and expectations and I find that many LBSers want to say MLC b/c they cannot understand the behavior any other way and even with the MLC, it is not behavior we want to see or believe is happening. But how relevant is it? Just relevant for your heart.
So you know, I'm coming from a pretty good place in this topic. My h apparently had a MLC of sorts. And we have reconciled. But he never said he was a WAH and he always SAID he didn't want a divorce. He simply wanted to live apart for a year or two to get training for something I strenously opposed for several rational financial emotional and familial reasons. It cost us a fortune but thanks to my filing for a sep, our house did not get mortgaged in order for him to "invest" more in the "gold rush" his heroes were telling him the tundra would provide....
In some ways his career had taken over our lives and I had bought into that for some time, he is a physician and the schooling and training had unrelentingly long hours that were fully consuming...and a sense of entitlement crept up in him that I enabled...he "deserved" to be happy b/c he worked SO HARD (and he did and he does still), to spend money on things without really consulting or inviting me to participate... and at first I was glad he bought some "toys" for himself, but wished I had been invited along. THat behavior was NEW...And repeated in a short time. Soon he evolved into a full fledged jerk. But the behavior was drastically different than our marriage had been.
Lots of out of character things, no calls to his family, definite money weirdness (which I learned a lot from--my L was a Godsend, never provoking but always protecting--great motto) and failing to pay bills on time or at all (UNprecedented), more overt selfishness and the interactions with the kids took a nosedive. This was a father who was busy in the past BUT when home, was really present with the kids. Homework, coaching, etc. But then, poof!! Had to go to train SOME MORE....and then start a JOB 3000 miles away...irrational choices, truly. I mean, NOT debatable IN HINDSIGHT...but at the time, I may as well have been speaking to my bowl of oranges. I could not reach him, but I COULD annoy him and that is what you are doing with your h with your "friendship talks". Those are fake attempts at intimacy under the guise of an olive branch. Forget that. IF you can be friends, it will happen in TIME....(FOR THE RECORD, I have two relatives who divorced, only to remarry their spouses YEARS later...they were happier the 2nd time around. But there was no immediate friend talk; that develops naturally as you co-parent and the other spouse sees you in a different light, from A DISTANCE...with objectivity and maybe through the eyes of another man...
I don't know what your h is doing or feeling. Can't "diagnose" him yet. But I do know that most men WITHOUT OW's make financial plans for leaving well in advance of the departure. So while the w knows nothing, there are USUALLY funds being shifted, bills not paid, pre-paid, assets hidden, sheltered, liquidated, etc. Statistically, this is dramatically more likely when there is an OW...sorry, those are the facts.
In your favor is that you are the bread winner so HE has more to lose in a divorce /bc how will he support himself then? Will OW support him? (I bet That's super attractive to OW...something tells me she does not know how much you make versus him...does she?) Also you have more invested though so in a way, you are risking more now and able to lose more while he puts money into a "business" that YOU KNOW is not going just to business. Now you might face IRS hassles and there is NO "innocent spouse" rule for the IRS. Lovely.
A third of divorces that are filed, are never finalized. See a L asap to learn your rights. READ THE DB BOOKS.
Stop all R talks. DO NOT INITIATE THEM and when he calls, be the one to end the conversation. NO ILYs. NO arguments when he revises the M. If he says something you really think is waaaayyy offff AND important, you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't recall it that way at all." And drop it. Now, if he says something with a grain of truth in it about you, like maybe you were too impatient or shot down something he really wanted out of hand. Since you want him to know that m to you WOULD be better now than before, you CAN say "You have a point. I should have done "X" sooner." If that makes you feel too vulnerable (dont' fall into the trap of feeling the need to be right is more important being happy...make sense?)
or if you think you did the best you could given the givens but now see it in anew light, say that!! for instance...say "Yes, if I could do things over again I'd do a lot of them differently" and let him wonder. He'll KNOW you are changing by your ACTIONS + TIME (not words) and you are doing it maturely and making it safer for him to say a few things that way too, without you jumping on his comments to either argue OR start assuming he is moving closer...just listen to those comments and react as positively if you can.
If he persists, you have to summarize in < 3 sentences and repeat that you don't recall it that way and say something positive, like "yes the school years were hard, but I remember a lot of laughter, (or something that was TRUE and positive for you, friends, adventure, great sex, whatever, and move on happy in YOUR recall) But this is down the road KJ. Right now that will almost all sound like you are pressuring/pursuing/pleading....I only say these sentences b/c a lot of people want to "rehearse" ahead of time for things b/c they get flustered.... If he attacks you, depending on the level of attack like a vicious one, you say "I won't listen to any more of revised history to rationalize your behavior, let alone this disrepect. I deserve better" and LEAVE THE ROOM...CALMLY...ALWAYS CALM...the minute you whine or yell or sound angry, you'll become a "bitch" in his eyes and that will validate his choice to leave you. Don't fuel the negatives, counter with positives.
Your h WILL feel defensive...make what you must say SHORT...you have NOT been doing that in case you think you have....) And for the most part, you don't need to say anything right now. It's just that you will "run" into him for a bit more. And you'll engage b/c you are not doing the DB principles yet. DO THEM. They work. Not always. But more often than any other approach I've seen for m's at this stage of things.
IF he does talk to you about things other than R talk, then listen like a lover/friend. (without pointing it out). Applaud the 1% of things he does/says that are positive. His fathering, helping around the house, whatever. At this point, you are trying to do two things; contrasting the warmth and love of your home (including fun time with the kids) with the "new wacky NOT FLAWLESS OW, AND you are also GAL and becoming a woman only a fool would leave [/b[.
Nothing about what you NEED from him, except about the kids (you can "need" toknow if he's going to get them at school) but the things about what you need or expect from him NOW are insane to bring up. They are the least of his concerns...
right now he may feel suffocated by you (said he can't take it anymore--honey, something you are doing is NOT WORKING and we like to try an approach to things that don't work, called DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT....like a 180--- and he may feel he is underachieving which he may see as your fault for "always doing "X" something to him, like dumping kid work on him or house chores since he works from home, so you are really why he isn't doing better--- OR you don't make him feel like a man the way OW does, blah blah blah....
Back off. Detach lovingly, affirm and validate the positives. Say nothing about R talk and for God's sake why would you OFFER to help him look for a place to live after asking him to live at home??? Come on. Drop the matter. HE KNOWS you want him home. The 180 will be when you start acting as if life without him will NOT suck for YOU....which will (and I would bet a lot on this) make him wonder like hell, if he is doing the right thing. If he's' such a great catch and you are such a bad one, how come you are coming to terms with this? Why aren't you a wreck? (don't get sucked into thinking that begging him to come home will "prove" you love him and THAT will get him back....never seen it work for long. At best it gets the pity reconciliation which deteriorates into contempt pretty fast.
THE PLAN
GAL, be upbeat in front of him, if he asks how you feel about the troubles you two are having or the sep or divorce (depends on the stage you are in) be resigned to his tragic mistake, accepting his incomprehensible need to follow his path... knowing YOU will be fine, moving forward, growing, meeting new people, going to exciting places and doing interesting things...and you are deeply sorry about the damage to the kids but alas, you know YOU"LL be there for them --and you hope he will too b/c you know he loves them....[b]and leave his life status unsaid...
it is NOT relevant to your life plans if he is happy or sad. YOUR Happiness is what matters to you and only you can make yourself happy. NOT HIM...(All that MAY matter at his end, is whether he wants to be married to you some time down the road...) You will know if that happens.
Hope this helps more than confuses. Touched on a number of topics.
I'll never say that my m is "fine" b/c it feels as if you are never to be complacent again. Some people have been sleep walking in their m's and for my awakening, thru this crap, at least for this, I am grateful. And for the R I have with God, which is a lot better too. I am awake now.
Oh, also, agreeing on your marital history is NOT needed. Took me so long to get this. But It is a waste of time. What you will need to do to reconcile, is agree about going forward...so bag the goal of agreeing on why or how you two got here. Figure out what you'd do differently. And stick to "the Plan"... This DOES get easier...two steps forward, one back-- and sometimes 5 forward and 0 back...
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
KJ, Think about what 25MLC says and resonates for you.
I appreciate the validation and support I receive from this community, but also the feedback from people when they detect we are off course or about to veer off course from the DB track, and need to make a correction.
I've learned that we have to be willing to lose the M, to gain the strength needed to possibly save it (otherwise we're clinging to it). Acceptance and detachment (with compassion) are difficult, but essential skills.
Hang in there, and keep trying and adapting.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I appreciate all the feedback. I have read divorce remedy and divorce busting several times and have talked with a DB counselor twice. I think I understand the distancing and doin a 180 technique and in fact a 180 for me is distancing which I started doing yesterday. I will say that it hasn't been smooth sailing getting here for several reasons: my husband lives in an apartment but comes to our home to work out of his office so I was seeing him most weekdays since he left; when my husband first left and I discovered his EA had turned into a PA, his remorse and nervous breakdown had me working to save my marriage with traditional methods(I had not yet discovered what a MLC was, nor identified that he might be going through a MLC). I am doing my best to GAL and separate/distance. I was successful for most of the last two weeks avoiding any talk of the R/A or OW, except when I discovered my H had restarted the A (3/21) and we discussed it for 30 minutes on 3/23. I have been overfocused on the OW. But as 25MLC says, it IS infuriating. One more point to address: I have taken responsibility for my part in our marriage disintegrating. I have taken more responsibility than my H at this point, because he doesn't want to discuss it-so I don't know what insight he has, if any.
1)I was sleep-walking a bit through the last few years since my father passed away. 2)I thought I was appreciating my H, but he didn't feel appreciated. 3)We both avoided conflict, which lead to poor communication.. 4)I wasn't being as physically active/sexually active as my H would have liked(nice twist now-my H rarely works out and I do all the time). 5)I vegged out in front of the TV at night instead of engaging my H(Now he watches TV too much at his apartment, and I read books and write on my thread)... 6) I mothered him and overfunctioned for him-and that seems to me to be where the most dysfunction in our relationship occurred-I have stopped and he is now functioning more on his own.
So there have been acknowledgements and definitely alot of work on my end. But as you know the complaints, when satisfied are never enough... h is conflicted and I know he has to work through this on his own. I am distant now and coming up with my own boundaries and trying to work through my anger and sadness while on my own, to move forward. Thanks!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Read your posts from start to now...couple of questions. What's with the "nervous breakdown" you say he had, and now he's in a "major depressive disorder"?
Gee, sounds SICK to me. Seriously. So you need to protect yourself but stop pushiing and pressuring. In the MLC world, IF THAT IS WHAT THIS IS...your time line is like a butterfly's. I mean, 3 months? One month since the "breakdown" which means what exactly? Did he start weeping uncontrollably, try to harm himself or what? And by the way, IF SO, he may not get the kids so often and btw, that MAY be safer for now. I am not being punitive and I highly recommend against it, but if your h actually fits the criteria (and I don't know how you are using the critieria as I'm a L married to a Dr and think of these as very specific dx) for "major dep episode" let alone a "nervous breakdown"....WOW...
What are you doing to GAL? Why haven't YOU separated the money "Just for now while you are living separately"? What poss advantage does giving him access to the joint funds have? That money is also your daughters. How do you feel about your h buying OW's kids gifts? Yeah, I didn't think you'd like that much. The $800 table she bought him is interesting. IF she remarried she won't get alimony (and neither will he if your state allows for it) and I cannot imagine him having a "blast" with her kids.IF IF IF it comes to that and they start mingling, don't imagine happy family time 24/7.... Every time he sees her with her kids and tries to play "Step dad" he'll have a knot in his stomach that he may NEVER discuss with you, but it will be there. Your d's will feel replaced so you need to encourage his R's with them and act as if he'll be a part time dad b/c he needs to start seeing just how comfortable and happy he is with his sitch. HER kids will feel the same, and Oh, as for your h now realizing that he was "always miserable all those years" hey, he's in the wrong field. He should be in Hollywood b/c that means ALL those laughs, memories, holding the baby girls, reading to them in bed, ML, the travel and trips, the late night talks, the hugs, the hiking or other things you enjoyed doing, the house, the plans, the friendships with others and the vacations HE WAS ACTING THE WHOLE TIME!! OMG GIVE THAT MAN AN OSCAR!!!
Please....he's looking at you and the past, through the nutty eyes of a (BEST CASE SCENARIO--whacked out MLCer so screwy right now he can't tell his T the truth about things, much less plan out a life for himself or his family but he feels like a failure at home and at work so the only place he isn't a loser right now is with OW.....Your h has some serious crap that has not made him the best H in the world either. Truth be told, when you are not reeling so much, you'll see that SOME parts of your m were NOT so great for you. And that your needs have not been met for some time now.
I suspect part of this is that he is at an age where he realizes he is probably all he will ever be in life and this was in fact, a very depressing realization. He can barely support himself? Yikes, that hurts for a man. For many people and especially men, depression often ends up being turned outward as anger. A Russian author said that "when men feel Guilt, they attack" and I think she has a point. But it probably goes to guilt ridden women too. (Also read that depression sometimes is a lack of direction or purpose)
If a man isn't rich or very successful at his job by now, he probably won't ever be. If he had a passion or avocation (wanted to open a club someday, or play pro ball?) he now knows for sure -he'll never be famous so why bother picking up a ball? And the club? Oh, somehow he or "they" did not make it happen. How are his looks? Fading some of course..."yep, this is it...and isn't there supposed to be more?"
This existential angst is what we ALL go through but most of us either change our lives or learn to accept what we have and to be content with it. Not "miserably settling for mediocrity" but learning to be grateful and realizing the real journey here is an inward one, and gratitude is appropriate b/c in the grand scheme of things, we have it damn good. Your h has to figure this out for himself. As I said to BegMind, (I think), it's as if your h is trying to do a crossword puzzle of life and you are standing over his shoulders wondering what letter he'll put in next and pointing out the diff ones or sighing when he won't pick the word you wanted...LEAVE him alone and back off. I don't want to defend him. But he DOES have to figure this out for himself. You're slowing him down.
See, we do NOT know if your h will come back or HOW to MAKE him do that. We don't know. What we DO know, is a lot of things that seem to push almost ALL WAS's farther away...and we def know what does not help YOU in the long run.
Stop obsessing about OW...she's got 2kids...OMG yeah, sure, good luck H!! Sorry you were down, but now that you live in squalor with someone else's kids half the time and your kids half time and each set of kids has to adapt to a step parent they do NOT like or want to like and each of you gets to learn new "co parenting" skills....yeah I bet he's gonna be super "happy" and so will she...
Your job is to let him discover all this himself so he can realistically see that he was in fact often happy with you and the kids and more importantly, COULD BE again, GOING FORWARD....so don't push him somewhere else with nagging questions or being in his face with your need for "friendship & honesty". Come on KJ, you don't want to be friends with him. You want him to wake up and dump her and run back to you.. And as for honesty, since you know there is an A going on now, what else is there to know? Do you want details? Come on, I think not...not now at least and if it were me, (which it is not) I would NOT want details.
IF, IF IF the dream that he comes back can happen ever, it'll be after the A runs its' course and you GAL and are seen as an attractive appealing woman who MAY be open to friendship, based on civility to each other in the coming months or years as Co-parents, and THEN b/c you have children together...you'll see each other and the time lapse is GOOD b/c the changes are more dramatic. People don't notice change when they see you every day. How can your h miss you much if he sees you at lunch? Let him FEEL the feel of coming home to an empty house...
He has an inner voice somewhere in him that is screaming not to do this and to think of you or his girls. When you shut it out, with your parental voice "Why are you doing this" How can you do this? What are you feeling NOW?" or your voice of need, "Be honest with me even though it'll make me crazy and also be my friend as I define it even though you are leaving me and I would never do that to you".....b/c KJ, you are essentially attacking his choices or questioning his judement (or sniveling up to him hoping for scraps of concern from him which will mean what?....he really does love you!!....and therefore ---"if that"...just STOP IT!! b/c you are shutting down his own inner voice again.
Maybe it's the voice of God, or your h's conscience or whatever. But the pressure and the letters to him, and the therapists with you in the hall.....yi yi yi...back OFF...GAL and be upbeat in front of him for a reason...not a tactic to get him back, or b/c you are on eggshells...but bc you are now GAL, and maybe starting small, like thinking of the chick flicks you'll watch and the toilet seat being down and the financial security that comes from NOT worrying about an emotionally disturbed man who thinks the M was "the problem", not him, having access to the house hold funds...
For now, part of GAL means to note the little positives and I do mean it when I say chick flicks or whatever little things you and or the girls like doing that h was not a big part of. I recall renting some with my d's and making popcorn and watching "our" movies and getting into American Idol and voting madly and not having that tension around, waiting for the other shoe to drop, reading into everything, and eventually sighing with the relief when he'd leave. And being at peace, knowing that we'd ALL be just fine with or without this man AND so will you and your girls.
Put your girls first for now. Your job is to show them that they can survive this and that the pain they feel, like YOURS, is not fatal and not eternal. They are watching you to know how to react to life when their hearts are broken or life hands them a set back. You are modelling this for them now. They are watching you more than you know. They need to know you will NEVER leave them, and that they are safe and going to be fine no matter where their dad sleeps (or with whom). Please make sure they know they are YOUR Priority and their happiness will be the basis of YOUR Choices from now on. I told that to my then 9 y/o and she was so comforted by this. Really relieved her.
Is there any way you can NOT come home for lunch (of course) and he can work elsewhere? This is crazy. I would NOT want him around right now. You need time and space to detach and for him to notice the 180's b/c seeing each other every day prevents that big time, plus he cannot miss what he has... Maybe the bigger apartment would enable him to work from THERE and learn to live on his own...and sure, it MIGHT lead them to spend more time together but you know, that just speeds the R along its way that much faster.
Given what your h's other problems are, OW is really a bandaid and sooo not relevant...let that "R" run its pathetic course and say nothing that will draw them closer and prolong it anymore than necessary. He's already partly embarrassed by it and that is also why I don't much favor telling the world about it. People figure it out and if you are the messenger it poisons the well against you, draws THEM closer, and makes you look vindictive. Since kids can figure it out IF it comes to that, which I doubt it will, you'll look so much better for not having said anything. Frankly, I think the A or R or whatever you want to label it as, will last less than most. A year at the most but more likely months. Can you handle that?
Now...go protect yourself. When my h was peaking in his Alaskan mania, and I filed for a sep to protect the house he got MAD...okay he did NOT suddenly "wake up" at all....not til much later and for other reasons....but recently, like 2 years afterwards...he said, "good thing WE didn't mortgage the house to invest up there"....
You know why I was a saint that day? B/C I did not say "YOU MEAN, THANK GOD I STOPPED YOU??"
He knew...it took him a minute to process his words and he looked at me and I said, "yeah, good thing". And he stood up and hugged me for a long time. What's to say? Oh, "I was right!"? Of course not. We're on this site to be happy, not "right". Remember that.
So the last thing I'd tell you is that at some point (and hey, this IS new for you so cut yourself some slack but know he is confused too) you'll have to let go of the idea that he'll ever see the past the way you do, but he WILL see it more objectively if you don't fuel TODAY's interactions w/ negatives...make sense?
Don't argue with a man who just had a "breakdown" is now on meds and has a clinical diagnosis. that's like me arguing with this plate of food...LIFE IS SHORT and your h ain't well right now. Once when my h said something SOOO out there and sooo self serving, I actually did say to him, "just so I know, you are kidding, right?" And he said "NO" but he never said it again...sometimes it helps to gently prod the craziness out of them but you have to be so subtle.
(( j ))
Good luck, hang in there, it DOES get better but see a L soon. Why on earth not? You don't have to file or tell your h..just meet with one...think of your d's and then ask yourself if you are putting them first when you hide from seeing a L? Just b/c it hurts you with its' symbolism, does not make it a bad idea. It'll probably empower you as the L explains that your worst nightmares are not the end of the world if they ALL come true, and chances are very good they won't.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi- The nervous breakdown was uncontrollable crying, total confusion, and suicidal "talk"-without thinking steps through. H was diagnosed as chronic lowgrade dpression then after the nervous breakdown the diagnosis changed to major depression. He is on ADs now and going to therapy(all of which he was totally against til he hit "rock bottom". You wouldn't know he is fighting this-he functions well with depression,in general. He is not a threat to anyone at this point. I have seen a lawyer-several weeks ago(and my husband met with one right after he moved out-to get information only). The divorce will cost me and help H. I most likely will pay child support and maybe some alimony until he can find a better paying job. So, I am trying not to tip the scales towards a D for now, in order to see how this all plays out after some time. If I separate our bank accounts now, he cannot survive financially more than a month. I don't want him coming back to me for financial reasons. He doesn't spend anything out of our joint account except gas and food-the rest he pays for with his business funds. He is adamant about not getting involved/meeting OW's children, unless the were in a committed relationship. Since OW has custody every other week, he has been seeing her on her "off weeks"(which this is one aas is the upcoming weekend). I haven't spoken to H in 36 hours- I know thats not much, but its where I've started. We all start somewhere don't we? I appreciate the feedback and your viewpoint of how I've slowed my H's process. I have known H more than half my life and he and my girls are really the only family I have in my heart. So it has been a slow process for ME to get moving on. But I am. Thanks.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Ok-question for anyone.. Given my situation, would you insist H vacate office?(there is no room in his current apartment for his work files/computer and he can't meet clients in his apartment) I feel like if I push on doing these things I'm hitting him when he's down. It doesn't feel right to me. I don't think I'm letting the status quo be in order to have connection to him. When he first left, our plan was that when he came to work at our home in the morning he would have time with the girls before school and he would be there when they came home-this would keep a semblance of normality in their lives. So that's why we've kept his situation as is. He has updated his resume but hasn't really sent it out-not a lot of financial analyst type jobs out there at the moment and I'm sure his uncertaintly/depression is keeping him from actively searching. BTW, his OW is financially sound and supports herself and some family members according to H. Her house looks as nice as ours from the outside H has stated that he wants to be able to support himself and "grow up/grow some balls". This has been an issue with him for some time, that he's riding on my coattails. I've never felt that way about our careers or money-to me its all joint. He started his own business a few years ago, put it on hold to help me move my father here and take care of my dad's stuff after he passed away. It takes time to build a client base-each year he does better, but of course, he's only a few years into building his business..He wouldn't want the OW or me supporting him financially. I don't feel like pushing the separation further(while he's just started AD(has just been 3 wks-not alot of response yet)and restarted therapy)is beneficial to him and its not affecting me at the moment-I'm watching the accounts daily. Isn't compassion a good thing?
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
OK I left a brief non-emotional thank you to my H for doing a lot of chores yesterday, unasked, in our house. He emailed me that he got the note and that he had wanted to help. He then asked me to not leave my books about spouses having affairs around so our girls can see them. He felt it was disrespectful to him... My heart started pounding and I felt shame reading his remarks. I keep the books by my nightstand and I don't think the girls look at what I'm reading b/c I have a stack of about 10 books and I usually face the covers/spines upside down-so they are not readable-maybe I got sloppy-I really don't know...So I neutrally emailed a short (three sentences)apology and said I didn't mean to be disrespectful. Then I broke down and called him to apologize. I know that was entirely wrong. He was cold and said we weren't supposed to be talking(that was my idea, not his). I apologized again and thanked him again for doing the chores and said I did appreciate his help. I asked him if he had decided to keep seeing the Ow(b/c in our last conversation he agreed to tell me). He said he felt very detached, he wasn't sure, and he wasn't going to have a heavy conversation. I just said a yes or no would be fine, but I got nothing and said goodbye. Ok.. So I know all of you veterans are going to think I'm a weak and stupid person walking into that and breaking down already to call him. I will say my only defense(if there is one!) is that I have an extrememly vivid imagination and it took all my efforts last night and early this morning NOT to drive by the OW house to see if his car was there. But I didn't drive by. I tried calming myself and my imagination. I know I should assume he is continuing the A, but in a way that lets my imagination run wilder. Anyway. I'm starting the "no contact" again. I've been reading "Not Just Friends" and I certainly am going through much of what a betrayed spouse goes through-the post traumatic/hyperaroused/suspicious state of mind. It seems hard to get past b/c there is no communication and the A is most likely continuing. I will keep trying.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Wait, let me get my glasses on so I know what I just read....
Okay ---so YOU "disrespected" HIM by leaving books out in YOUR bedroom, to help you cope with your husbands adultery????? Nothing ironic in that to you?
And then HE complained to YOU about it? Nothing ironic there either? No tad of hypocrisy tugging at you yet?
And THEN YOU - called - HIM to APOLOGIZE....!!!!! A new record for turning the world upside down and then jumping into the ceiling/floor....!!!!! Does ANY of this strike you as INSANE???
Stop drinking the Kool-aid...OMG....OMG...
that's all I can say right now....
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
