H still hiding A

[Beans]

My H started his A 6 months ago. Admitted to me in January saying he couldn't live a lie anymore. He said that they have been friends for about a year and that she said all the right things. He also told me he had and A 4 years ago. He was surprised when I said that I wanted to work on forgivness, he said he thought I would say it was over after he exposed the A. We spend the next month talking about things. mostly it became a blamfest, him blaming me for not being loving enough or attentive enough to his needs, and his saying that all he did was try to make me happy, with no regard for himself. He needed to start thinking of himself for a change. I admitted to him and apologized for my part of our relationship issues. He also left 4 years ago for several months, and when he came back he didn't want to talk about this "crazy time". I thought If I gave him space he would eventually tell me about that "crazy time. since he has come back I have had trouble telling him I love him. And he claims that is the reason he needed to leave me.And that if I was afraid of him leaving again that I should of made him feel more loved and appreciated. He also said couldn't you tell I have been unhappy for the last 4 years? Honestly, no he put on a pretty good front! He moved out 1 month ago, and is still seeing the OW. He as only told a few people that he has moved out and only when they call him. He has told noone of his A. He tells me he doesn't care what I tell other people but he feels this is only between him and me. He gets upset that other people want an explaination from him, recently his brother asked him to explain face to face. But my H hasn't made any contact with him. It's like what he doesn't admit he doesn't have to deal with? The not knowing what his intentions are about us are unbearable. As of last week I would text him a joke or a goodnight, sometimes he would reply sometimes not. So this week I decided to not contacting him and he has called a couple of times and it always ends in a argument and him saying "why do you think I hate you?". He has said this the last 3 conversations. I told him "Honestly,I don't know how you feel about me" to which he ends the conversation.
I know this topic will come up again, he claims he is coming over this weekend to clean up some stuff in the garage. We will see if he follows thru. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent. I am really confused right now. I don't even know how to act around him. Has anyone else felt like this? Your best friend of 20 years and suddenly you don't know what to say or how to act around them? Do I start contacting him again? at least we were civil when I was contacting him, but then again. I feel like I'm persuing him.
How do I handle his unpredictable behavior? I don't even know how to respond to some things he says? Confused!

[Sugar and Spice]

Beans, I can totally relate to feeling like your best friend of 20 years has up and vacated and you are left wondering what the hell happened. Pretty much everything your H is saying is standard A BS-babble. Its SO much easier to blame you then take responsibility and own the issues that caused the A to become a reality. You may have responsibility for the M getting to the point where an A was possible, but you DID NOT make that choice for him to cheat. That was his and the OW's choice and don't let him try and make you feel like this is somehow on you.

As for him not telling other people and wanting to keep it "between the 2 of you", of course he does. As long as no one knows, the secrecy and the fantasy of the clandestine R still applies. Once its no longer a secret its not as fun and then the consequences start to set in. If he truly didn't care what you tell other people and he was in anyway proud of his actions, he wouldn't be avoiding his brother. He is wrong and he knows it.

It's like what he doesn't admit he doesn't have to deal with? !

As long as we pretend it doesn't exist then it doesn't. The elephant in the room.

The not knowing what his intentions are about us are unbearable. As of last week I would text him a joke or a goodnight, sometimes he would reply sometimes not. So this week I decided to not contacting him and he has called a couple of times and it always ends in a argument and him saying "why do you think I hate you?". He has said this the last 3 conversations. I told him "Honestly,I don't know how you feel about me" to which he ends the conversation.

Limbo is agonizing, I have lived it and its brutal. As far as him asking you why you think he hates you, he is just drawing you into an argument to justify his actions or feelings. Don't get sucked in. What does keeping in contact with him do for YOU? Does it in anyway make you happier, healthier or more mentally stable? I know for me, keeping in contact with my H constantly throughout our sitch has made things 1000 times harder on me than they needed to be. Of course you are confused about how to act around him, he is telling you one thing, but doing the opposite. Don't believe what he says, believe what he does.

Beans, what have you done or are you doing for yourself? Are you getting out and finding things that make you happy or that you enjoy doing? If you have time read some of my early posts...and do exactly opposite of what I did. When we were going to MC our C told us that as long as there were 3 people involved in the M that there was no way for us to work on it. Also that as long as everyone is willing to keep the triangle stable that there would be no reason for it to change. Your H is getting all of his needs met because he has the 2 of you. Whatever he doesn't get from her, he gets from you and vice-versa. I'm not trying to be mean, I would just like to prevent others from going through some of what I've gone through. You really can't compare an A to a M because there is no real life with it. No bills, kids, family, etc... to stress things. Its Camp Snoopy and LaLa Land. The quicker reality sets in, the better off you'll be.

I can't tell you what to do, but I would suggest doing some soul searching to see what it is you want. You will also have to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with, what are your deal breakers and then go from there. Just because you aren't working on your M doesn't mean you can't work on you. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is this, the only thing you can control is you, so do that. Work on you and getting you to a better place. Do what makes you happy and boosts your PMA. Are you in any kind of IC? Its helped me tremendously, as have the WONDERFUL people on this site. Keep posting and above all else, be kind and gentle to yourself. There are enough people in this world ready to beat your down without you joining in with them.

[Beans]

S&S,

Thanks for the reply!I haven't postd much, been doing a lot of "loitering". Sounds like a very supportive group! Just what we all need!

Me and D-14 just started counseling. D feels caught in the middle. And I was really proud of her during counseling. She spoke honestly and from the heart! This has brought me and D closer together.

H brought her over to OW home this past weekend! What was he thinking? D felt she had to, she didn't want to make him angry and she just wanted to be with her dad! He also told our D that he and OW are "good friends" and that she is going to be getting a D! And that me and him will probably also. He hasn't told me a thing!?

I didn't know if I wanted to confront him on that so I haven't contacted him this whole week.

Monday he did text me to see how I was. He found out I went to Dr. for depression. He also called me last night to see how kids conferences went. Our S-12 is failing 7th grade. Bright kid, he usually gets B's. It's just all this crap going on, plus he has a LD. I told H me and S are working on getting past homework caught up. H as never been able to relate to S, and has never really accepted his LD.

What do you mean the quicker reality sets in the better off you will be? He still hasn't told anyone of his A. He finally started to contact a couple of his friend since he has moved out and he told me that he's finding out his friends are really not his friends. He said one couldn't look him in the eye and the other was short on words. What did he think they would think? He just told them he had to move out because he was unhappy!?

It has been tough, but I have been trying to GAL and spending time with Kids helps.

You had mentioned that I should look at your earlier posts and do the opposite of what you did. I can't seem to find your earlier posts? How do I access them? I'm still trying to navigate my way around here!

[Beans]

Well, not sure what to do now? It's tough when your right in the middle of it, to see things objectively.

It seems my sitch has progessed so quickly! He moved out in Feb. Not sure what he wanted. We still kept in contact was friendly, then he became angry at every converstion. So I stopped contacting him (hard thing to do at first). He still contacted me at first, but not for the last couple of weeks. Only about the kids.

The not talking to him everyday is getting easier. But that is what I'm scared of, I think it is making the sitch worse. I only hear what is going on with him and OW thru my daughter. A few weeks ago it was he wasn't sure if we would get a divorce. now it is the OW is getting a divorce and so are me and mom. Although he hasn't told me!

This past weekend he had the kids and he called me to say that he couldn't handle D. She was sad and depressing to be around. He told her that she wasn't sad about the situation because she has always been like this! How insensative! He said he is finally happy and doesn't understand why everyone else isn't.

I believe the reason he says he is happy now is that he doesn't have anymore resposibilities except to himself. He is down to his ideal weight, works out. And I have to admit looks better then he has in years! He lives alone, and sees his kids when he wants too, brings them home if they get to much for him. And sees his girlfriend whenever he can.

He still avoids all but one of his friends and his mother. Funny thing he is talking to his mother who he says he hates. And who has made him the way he is, (she has walked away from 5 marriages) and admits that she stays in an unhappy one now just because she doesn't want to be alone!

I finally stopped blaming and feeling sorry for myself. Now I'm in the anger stage. I am so angry at him! I also have lost a bit of respect for him. So why do I still want him to "wake up" and realize what he is doing is wrong and come back home? I do still love him, and realize that I don't want him back the way he is now (he act's like he is 18 yrs old!!) selfish, and so carefree!

Anyways, I feel like I'm rambling. Maybe he is MLC? I'm not sure were to go from here? Start to be a friend to him again, I'm not sure I'm quite ready, I'm still angry at him. But I see acceptance in the near future. This is all such a whirlwind!!

[hope3343]

Beans sorry that you find yourself here. My H said the same babble when he wanted out. After 21 year M and into an A less than 2 months he told me he was not happy, I was controlling, he was lonely etc. Everything but the truth that he was screwing around with his direct report at work. It took him 4 more months to admit he had OW.

I also have a D15 who is angry with her father and has had no contact with him since Dec 22.

I will tell you that there is NO WAY that your H should be exposing your D to the OW. How dare he? Especially since your D is not strong enough to stand up to her father you need to set the boundaries. Bring it up in counseling and if the C says the father can take her -- CHANGE counselors. It is enough trauma that your H left just over a month ago and now he is bringing your D around this tramp?

He is taking advantage of you. I am a believer in exposing the A. It takes the fantasy out of this dirty secret and exposes it to the light. Tell his family, tell his friends. Even OW H. Maybe the poor guy is going through the same agony but not knowing his wife is cheating. So he gets mad, he is mad already. The more people that know the more their affair is exposed to the light.

How did your H hear you were going through depression? Make sure stuff like that does not get back to him. If he decide to D he can and will use it against you. Instead when he comes over dress up, put on makeup, be happy. No R talk -- nothing. Stop texting or looking for reasons to talk to him. Take away his power. You can do this.

[Beans]

Hope thanks for your input.
I did bring the fact up in counseling that he brought D to OW house. C told D she needed to stand up for herself and tell her dad that makes her uncomfortable. I'm not sure my D can do that, so I will have to. I can do that!

As far as exposing the A. H is already digging his own hole. A few friends saw his car at OW house and the rumor has circulated. Just think H is oblivious to the fact that he is so obvious. OW lives so close to me and many friends. When friends asked me I did tell them he was having an A. I think OW H knows also, he came back from another state (where he was working cause no construction jobs around here) to try to work things out but I noticed that my H is still over at her house a lot. So I don't think that OW H is living in the home right now? Not sure, but my D told me that OW & H are getting a D. My H and OW are spending a lot of time at her house and I believe with her friends. H has made plans to go to some outdoor concert with her and her friends this summer. I wish I could talk to OW H. Just not sure how to get ahold of him since he is not in the house? And not sure what good it would do? Any thoughts?
I do know that OW has a 17yr old D who HATES my H.

H did tell me he doesn't care if his friends know and hate him. That he will make other friends, and he has OW friends. He is a real outgoing, friendly person. So I'm sure he fits right in. He pretty much avoids his old friends now. Which is sad, it's like he has just immersed himself in her world and isn't looking back. Except for his kids.

Today was his birthday! This was a tough one for me. My D texted him and he said he was drinking beer all weekend with friends. But I know it is all of his "new" friends. What is up with that, it's like he has started this whole new life for himself.

My H found out about my depression thru my D. Do you think I should tell him that I'm thru it or what. Or how should I protect myself so he won't use it against me in a D?

I have stopped texting him and I only have contact with him about the kids. He doesn't hang aroung the house any more just drops off kids and leaves. I have been putting makeup on and look my best when he comes over. But no comment on that just comments on my weight. I have lost a lot of weight, so the only thing he comments on is how skinny I am. He pretty much looks repulsed.

I feel like this is spiraling downward faster and faster with no way to stop it.

Hope, did you expose your H's A? And what happened if you did?

[Beans]

I can't post much since the only internet access I have is at work. And I need to try to type between my boss walking by. Anyways,
Since some of you are in the club that exposing the A is the way to go. Even though my H's A is in the open, well the rumors are flying as of this weekend. Wondering if I should contact the OW's husband? Kind of interested to see what his take on all of this is? I heard there was a confrontation with him and my H. My H was over at their house and OW's H came home!!

Thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If he's not already aware of his wife's affair, then yes, I think you should expose to him, because he has a right to know so that he can make his own decisions.

If he ALREADY KNOWS, however (and it sounds like he does?) then I would advise against it . . . what purpose would it serve?

Puppy

[hope3343]

Hi Beans,
I exposed -- H called SIL to tell her we were breaking up -- his words "we drifted but there was no one else". I called her and told her the truth.

I told my family, friends and finally exposed to supervision at work. She is his direct report. My D28 exposed to OW daughter but I think her family has just accepted him. OW is divorced, cheated on both husbands and 4 yr boyfriend with my H. (see a pattern)

Google OW H, get a PI. Are you in a fault state for D. Another good resource MYspace and facebook

Have you read Divorce busting or divorce remedy. Another good book Surviving an affair - hartley. keep us posted

He told me today that he was demoted and no longer manager.

[MrNiceGuy]

he was demoted and no longer manager.

Hell hath no fury...