You are getting great advice. The information you just discovered is hard. Brutal. I got the same kick in the gut several times.
Quote:
She suggested I take the rest of the week while they are away and let it all soak in...avoid contact with my wife...stay busy..GAL.
I wouldn't necessarily avoid contact with your wife, it could cause this to escalate. But I would avoid this subject. Wait until she comes home.
She could very well believe this is a kindred soul and nothing more. Not realizing the emotional connection that is forming. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but it's how she's justifying that. Trying to get her to see your side of this, right now, is pissing in the wind. This is filling a need for her and she can't see beyond it. IMHO.
It may also be time to stop snooping. You know what you know and more information is just going to hurt you right now. Give yourself time to get centered now and see what your gut tells you. Or maybe you know what your gut is saying and need time to process that. You know your truth.
Make no decisions at this moment. You don't have to. Try not to put any further spin on this information, it is what it is. Be kind to yourself.
NDS, Sorry about the bad news. You just got hit with another bomb. You know the drill - take care of yourself, no communication with her while you are upset, vent, cry and remember this isn't all your fault. Get thru the day. I'll check back. Cheers Coach
Thanks Coach I know it's not all my fault, but a good part of this last 48 hours has found me reexamining the past year and trying to figure what I could have done differently.
I got lazy...complacent..things felt good. There was still no commitment, but she was here, we were having a good time.
I just never saw this coming.
Trying to take care of myself and not dwelling.
I have a few more days to let it all soak in, but my thoughts about next week and seeing her...being with her again...go back and forth between nausea and anger.
No matter how this all turns out, or what more is said, my feelings for her will never be the same, I fear.
I am trying to not talk myself into this being a deal breaker, but my heart is leaning that way.
Over our years together, during our talks about jealousy, insecurity and infidelity...even after the bomb...we promised each other that we would never make the other out to be the fool.
I'm so sorry, NDS. I agree with Coach -- don't do ANYTHING at the moment.
I have been there, and know what this feels like. I got the e-mails from my keylogger sent to my BlackBerry when I was with my parents and siblings on a family reunion. omg, it was like someone had punched me in the stomach, and a really fat man was now sitting on my chest, AND I was nauseous from a carnival ride -- all combined. I nearly threw up.
Hang in there,
Puppy
Thanks Puppy You're right...punch in the gut..nauseous...haven't thrown up yet...mostly because I don't have much of an appetite.
Promised someone I would eat dinner tonight, and I am working on it...promise. I know they will be checking on me in the morning.
Sorry to hear about what your W is doing. I found a text last year that my W sent that said I love ya, so I know exactly how you feel. Getting kicked in the balls would feel better than seeing what you saw.
I have to agree with Coach and PDT above that you need to step back, calm down and re-evaluate your sitch. You need to do what is best for you and take emotion out of your interactions with your W from here on out. She is having her cake and eating it too and that is allowing her to do whatever she wants without taking your feelings into consideration.
Take care Tim, you will get though this.
Thanks Tim I know what you have been through with your wife, and the rare times I stop in here lately, I always look to see how you are doing. I knew you hadn't been around for a while and was wondering...saw the latest posts.
What about Steady?...do you guys ever hear from him any more?
You're right...no emotions...not my strongest suit, but have a few days to practice.
Today was up and down, but thankfully work was a little busier than normal...kept me occupied.
The dog and I are in for some pretty deep conversations the next few days.
Listen, it may be that she has danced the line and she really didn't think. She kept is secret so you wouldn't be hurt - but she knew in her heart it was wrong.
The best thing in this situation is to Do Nothing right now. You can not tell her you snooped. You really can't.
The ball is in her court. I don't think any towels should be thrown just yet.
Hugs, honey.
Wifey It has been so long since we posted to each other....I knew you were back after not being on for so long.
Thanks for stopping in and for the hug...needed one..really.
I have not thrown in the towel, and I am trying hard not to judge her for what has happened, but you know how hard that is.
It's fresh..it's raw.
My buddy told me yesterday..."You're not going to die without her, and you're not going to die if you stay with her. Relax and get your thoughts together".
I can't tell you how sorry I am about what's happened.
The loss of trust, the diminishment of our spouse's integrity is a terrible blow. Particularly if you've never had reason to question either before.
You are right to feel the pain and anger. Take advantage of this time apart to try your best to get a handle on your emotions.
I'm not sure how we are to avoid the things we discover when snooping. You will be seeing the words of those messages in your head for some time to come. At some point your wife needs to be given an opportunity to come clean with everything - maybe even with a suggestion that perhaps you know more than she thinks you do.
Think about how you would feel if this were the event that first precipitated your coming to this board for support and counsel. While it does sound as though this may be at the level of an emotional affair right now, you may hold out hope that it has gone no further. If this had been the beginning of your crisis, how would you have felt about the issue of whether or not this is a dealbreaker?
You can't control her Tim, and I know that you have long understood this. In the end she gets to make her choices, and you have to make yours.
My counsel to you has consistently been to speak honestly to her, to tell her just how you feel about her and your life together. I believe there is often too much beating around the bush and tap dancing that we engage in with our spouse for fear of hearing what we don't want to hear. I'm inclined to believe that we are only putting off the inevitable.
You know enough even without the additional snooping material to insist on a true and honest heart to heart. I assume you have not reached out to females for a nurturing relationship over the past year or so, and you are well within reason to expect the same from your wife. Especially with the agreement the two of you had. It's time for her to come clean with what exactly she is willing to do and not do while the two of you are still together. And I think it's important that you be honest with her now and let her know that you remain because of your love for her and your hope that there is still a future for the two of you to have.
I too know how it feels to find out that your wife has reached out to another. When I heard for the first time that my ex had actually pursued and been intimate with her first male friend after moving out, I felt like I was going to explode from the inside out. Only the loss of a loved one could possibly come close to the feeling of devastation that such a discovery brings.
Look out for yourself, take care of yourself. Feel all these things and fight your way through them to stability again. Find your best and closest friends and let them support you in whatever way works best for you.
I'm sorry my friend. We'll all be standing close by to offer our support as often as needed.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
NDS I wouldn't necessarily avoid contact with your wife, it could cause this to escalate. But I would avoid this subject. Wait until she comes home.
She could very well believe this is a kindred soul and nothing more. Not realizing the emotional connection that is forming. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but it's how she's justifying that. Trying to get her to see your side of this, right now, is pissing in the wind. This is filling a need for her and she can't see beyond it. IMHO.
It may also be time to stop snooping. You know what you know and more information is just going to hurt you right now. Give yourself time to get centered now and see what your gut tells you. Or maybe you know what your gut is saying and need time to process that. You know your truth.
Make no decisions at this moment. You don't have to. Try not to put any further spin on this information, it is what it is. Be kind to yourself.
WT
WT I was trying to catch up with everyone before I left work to say thanks for stopping in, but ran out of time when I got to you. Didn't want you to think I was ignoring, and actually wanted to reply to what you said.
Why do you think it could cause things to escalate if I were to avoid contact over the next few days while she is away?
The night I found the text log, I was torn between calling her and telling her, and waiting until she got back. When I finally did end up talking to her, I was still not sure I was going to say anything.
When she asked if there was something I wanted because I had texted and not gotten her, I said..."No, not really..just missing you a little...it's been a while now and I've had enough alone time."
Was that a pursuing remark to an AWAW? Maybe, but remember...for a year now, even with her reminders, our time together..or maybe 80 - 90% of it has been like that of 2 newlyweds.
Yes, some cool periods in there, but days or a week, not months at a time.
Her response was a very cool...oh, do you?
I said.."and you don't miss me just a little?", to which she replied with another cool...ohhh..husband.
Her remarks at that point are what made me start the R talk. I think what hurt so much about her response was that she couldn't just lie a little...like maybe just an "oh, yeah..just a little"...be sarcastic..joke it off.
It's not like when she left we were in the middle of some fierce battle. I'm pretty sure we had ML sometime during the week before that...gone out to dinner..had drinks..stayed home and watched TV together and chatted....brought her coffee or tea at work..hugged..kissed.
I prepped the car for the trip and set them off with a wash, wax and vacuum.
She didn't miss me, but she had been in constant contact with her BF since she left...there were wake up calls early in the morning, and late night goodbyes...1, 2, 3AM.
I'm digressing...I'm tired, stressed and still trying to think about eating...and getting pissed all over again as I write this..
My point was, why would I WANT to have any contact with her, and how could it make it any worse?
Nds, there is no reason right now to contact her. It would be an appropriate time to pull a turtle as I am fond of saying. When it hurts so bad, pull into yourself. You don't have to be the whipping boy when you are down.
I'm not sure where you saw the log. Is this something you have in print? Is it readily available or do you have to do hard-core snooping to find it? I guess I better read back a few posts.
If this is readily available info, might be time to "discover" it when she is home and just fix her with a look. Ask her to explain, maybe. Anyhow, I will go read back now.
We are standing with you.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Why do you think it could cause things to escalate if I were to avoid contact over the next few days while she is away?
I think avoiding her may make her more defensive making communicating at all more difficult. You may get more out of her, more of her truth, when she gets home if she feels like you're still willing to listen. Not talking to her gives her the impression that you don't want to hear about ANYTHING from her.
When you asked her about OM, remember you were on the phone and both of you knew you wouldn't be in each other presence for a few more days. Getting into a difficult discussion long distance is very hard. This is better handled in person.
Do not compare your R with this shiny, new friend. There is some kind of 'connection' there that is unclear right now and she feels she needs. It would be best to clarify this in person, not over the phone. So for you the word is patience.
Why would you want to have contact with her? Because she's your W and if you didn't care, you wouldn't be angry about this. Keeping the lines of communication open now will make her homecoming more comfortable for you both. If you ignore her now, she will feel you've already made up your mind about the situation and when discussions do happen, they could be heated. I'm not saying you couldn't limit your contact, but still be open to communicating.
Let me ask you, what will avoiding contact with her do for you? What will this do for you when she comes home?
Wifey It has been so long since we posted to each other....I knew you were back after not being on for so long.
Thanks for stopping in and for the hug...needed one..really.
I have not thrown in the towel, and I am trying hard not to judge her for what has happened, but you know how hard that is.
It's fresh..it's raw.
My buddy told me yesterday..."You're not going to die without her, and you're not going to die if you stay with her. Relax and get your thoughts together".
I get the pain. I wish I could take it all away for you. Think of the people here on this board that started their journeys knowing full well there was an OP.
My gut says to me that if this is anything it is an EA not a PA.
Can you get past it? That is your decision to make. But I know that it is so hard.
I had suspicions last summer that my H may have had a fling. Never even talked about it on this board, because it wasn't long after that the ED reared its ugly head and he was so down on himself.
Simply put, there were condoms missing from the nightstand. Then he went on a script for the ED and there were a couple pills missing. Then the script didn't work at all and he pulled a turtle and you would think his "buddy" shriveled up and fell off. Hasn't even gone back to the doctor in 10 months.
I thought all of that was a deal breaker for me. I thought when we started out it would be if I ever suspected. I had some shaky days, but I couldn't give up.
Even now, at the one-year point, without any intimacy since last July, I am quite certain that I can dig deep because I can't imagine life without him. Even if it comes to the point of D, I don't think it will be the end.
Like I said, it is your choice. Maybe its time to not be complacent. Maybe it is time to declare for yourself what you want. You're tired, I know. It hurts, I know. Feels like a sucker punch to the gut. Are you read to move on, give up, quit, throw in the towel, or strap on the brass ones? ; ) -At least you have ones that work!
I have a hunch here, but I am not going to steel your thunder. I'm here any time you need me.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
