hey nds....i woke up today thinking about your sitch. After the past 2 days of he!! with my H - my mind turned to you.
You "get" it. You made the turn-around, she sees it - may not think she can trust it yet...but she sees it.
You have all the good qualities of a relationship that I've listed above.
The ONLY thing I see you still doing, is waiting. You're waiting.
My H says that ALL the time, "I'm just WAITING for a sign from you...I'm just WAITING for you to come to me" and I wanted to make it a point to put it on this board, and it's kinda deep - so bear with me:
What are we waiting for? Are we waiting for our sitches to mold into the ideal outcome we have imagined in our brain? I think it's too much pressure on ourselves if we do.
All we have control over is right NOW. That's it. Screw the past. It's done. We may not have a bit of future. God may pluck us off the planet in the next five minutes...who knows?
SO! The ONLY thing under our control is Right Now. So worrying about our future does nothing but stress us out.
We just need to live, to be...take each moment and make it as good as it can be, and be grateful for it. [Sidenote funny: I've said this to H before and he takes as me meaning the 70's mindset of Peace, Free Love, Free Sex. - CRACK me up - *sarcasm* Yeah...In your head now I'm not only having an A! I'm a flowerchild that believes in Free Love!!]
hey nds....i woke up today thinking about your sitch. After the past 2 days of he!! with my H - my mind turned to you.
So, let me get this straight..you had 2 lousy days with your H and you woke up thinking about me? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?..lol.
Quote:
You "get" it. You made the turn-around, she sees it - may not think she can trust it yet...but she sees it.
That subject actually came up during our talk the other night, because in the past she had told me she would never put herself in a position of trusting me again.
I brought up the trust issue and she pretty much told me that she thought I had turned the corner in my attitude..my changes and believed I really had changed for the better...not just for her, but for myself....and she thinks it's great.
She also said it doesn't matter and has no affect on what she wants or how she feels.
I think she has become very comfortable..not only with me now, but with her decision for us to separate...and I think that is probably because of the way I have handled things this past year.
I let us become best friends and all the while accepted the fact that she wanted a D...but at this point I don't see any other way I could have done things. I accomplished what I wanted from the beginning...to show her that I love her, and always did... and if I couldn't spend the rest of my life with her, at least give her some good memories to make the bad ones seem a little more distant.
If this ends up getting us to a point where she is willing to try and work on the marriage, that will be great...but for now I have to get back to that place in my mind that was in the beginning...unconditional love, with no expectations of how this will all end.
You are right about the waiting...I have been waiting for her, and will probably continue to for the foreseeable future.
I am not quite ready to become a walk away myself..although that thought does cross my mind on occasion.
Like her, I am comfortable and feel at home with her..in our home.. so unless things start going in a different direction I see no reason to push, pull or pressure her at this point...after all, what would I pressure her for after all this time. She has told me several times what she wants...she is just willing to wait for it.
Which leads me to what you said.....
Quote:
What are we waiting for? Are we waiting for our sitches to mold into the ideal outcome we have imagined in our brain? I think it's too much pressure on ourselves if we do.
All we have control over is right NOW. That's it. Screw the past. It's done. We may not have a bit of future. God may pluck us off the planet in the next five minutes...who knows?
SO! The ONLY thing under our control is Right Now. So worrying about our future does nothing but stress us out.
[quote=ndsmhelp You are right about the waiting...I have been waiting for her, and will probably continue to for the foreseeable future.
I am not quite ready to become a walk away myself..although that thought does cross my mind on occasion.
Like her, I am comfortable and feel at home with her..in our home.. so unless things start going in a different direction I see no reason to push, pull or pressure her at this point...after all, what would I pressure her for after all this time. She has told me several times what she wants...she is just willing to wait for it. [/quote]
NDS,
This is where I am at also. Its a tough position to be in. Sort of like sitting at a "Y" in the road wondering which path to take. Only you know how long you will wait for her and only you can decide which path to take once you cannot wait any longer.
Give it more time you both are getting along great and ML the rest may come in time.
She has told me several times what she wants...she is just willing to wait for it.
What is it she is willing to wait for???
Have you been DB'ing since May?
Hey MB..thanks for checking on me. I'm still around..just not posting much.
Yes..DBing since May..mostly DBing, I guess. That's another thing I find similar when I read your sitch...we mostly DB, but maybe not 100% by the book? Thinking some times I have a tendency to lean towards a pursuing nature, and have really begun to start second guessing that lately.
What I meant when I said she has told me what she wants and is willing to wait?
Just that she is awfully patient for a woman who told me a year ago she was done. We agreed that financially it would be difficult for us to separate and each live our own, so we decided we would work on that, get some debt paid down and work on the house in case a sale became necessary.
As time went on we spent more and more time together and have had a great year, but she has not wavered when the subject of eventually separating / divorcing comes up.
If you read recently, she told me that she never felt as though I was her best friend, but looks at me that way now..she said she is comfortable with me, us and the house feels like a home to her for the first time.
But...her feelings have not changed..she still can't tell me "I love you", and does not see us as husband and wife in the future.
So like I said..several times over the year I have heard basically the same thing(except for the best friends part)...she tells me she still wants a separation, but seems perfectly willing to wait for me to make the move and not initiate it on her own.
Maybe that will change as more time passes, I don't know. Maybe she is waiting to make sure she feels the way she wants, or thinks she should...maybe, maybe.
For me..my patience is waning..not in a bad or angry way, but in a "would like to know what the rest of my life holds" way, and I'm not so sure I want to wait, or let her make the decision for me any more.
For me..my patience is waning..not in a bad or angry way, but in a "would like to know what the rest of my life holds" way, and I'm not so sure I want to wait, or let her make the decision for me any more.
Fabulous! Kudos to you. You shouldn't let her make the decision for you.
I'm not so sure I want to wait, or let her make the decision for me any more.
Why would you ever let her make the decision for you? I wasn't clear that this is what you have been doing for this past year.
YOU make YOUR decision.
That's the way it should always be.
But catch this thought...
Your decision, I repeat YOUR DECISION, can be to say that I love my wife and intend to stay her husband as long as I live.
Regardless of what she says or doesn't say.
If you are going thru each day feeling as though you are in a holding pattern...STOP IT!
You know you love this woman to the depths of your being.
You also know that MY opinion is that she loves you the very same way. And she has her reasons for being unwilling to admit to that.
So choose to be her husband forever.
Live each day LIKE her husband.
Don't hold back ANY part of who you are or how you feel about her and your life together.
Do this knowing full well that she is unable to reciprocate completely right now.
Accept that. Own it. Just as you have done throughout this past year.
Think of it this way.
Each day that you stay in there and continue to WANT your marriage and your wife, you are building something. Brick by brick so to speak.
Your wife is noticing this. She is DEFINITELY noticing this. Hence the comment about you being her best friend for the first time in your marriage, and your home feeling like a home for the first time.
Just keep building. You are filling her love tank day by day, simply by choosing to remain a husband who is devoted to loving his wife.
I know it's not completely fulfilling for you.
I can tell you that I honestly believe this won't last forever.
And I can tell you that I also believe that YOU WON'T BELIEVE what this time will one day mean to your wife.
You are her lighthouse in the storm right now Tim.
She is finally able to count on you. She is learning that she can finally trust you. She is realizing that YOU are the way home after all.
I still believe these things with my whole heart.
I'll be so pissed if you blow this all away by indulging yourself.
Strength AND honor my friend.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Your decision, I repeat YOUR DECISION, can be to say that I love my wife and intend to stay her husband as long as I live. Regardless of what she says or doesn't say. If you are going thru each day feeling as though you are in a holding pattern...STOP IT! You know you love this woman to the depths of your being. Live each day LIKE her husband. Each day that you stay in there and continue to WANT your marriage and your wife, you are building something. Brick by brick so to speak. You are her lighthouse in the storm right now Tim.
I do not know your sitch. I just peeked in here tonite. This stuff he wrote to you is PURE GOLD~ Just do it , don’t question it. I did this almost 3 years ago and the results were nothing short of amazing. My H said he would never change his mind, he didn’t love me. It was over. I was devastated. I gave and loved “as if “ he had never said those things. I loved him from a genuine place in my heart. I also had to “pursue” b/c that was a 180 for me. You need to do what works even within the DB “guidelines”. If it doesn’t hurt and it takes you closer to your goal? Then by all means do it. You will have all the free time in the world later to contemplate what ifs and why and she should have… why didn’t I? But for now? You put all you have into “saving” your M. Transforming yourself as a Human Being. I have read bworls post to others before. You are very blessed to have him for a friend. Take care and God bless, Ali
I always remembered this. In the end it is not all about you, they are hurting too. Or this one. Love me now when I deserve it the least. I dunno? I read it somewhere. It stuck. All my best to you. The world is a better place with you in it!
