Well this IS a familiar theme for me...but FWIW, I read somewhere that a third of divorces filed are never finalized... and besides there are those who reconcile even after div. I actually have two in my family, which is weird, I know.
In hindsight, since the move was lateral what was your objection? That the kids would be uprooted? Were there no advantages to moving to an environment that MIGHT be more wholesome or outdoorsy? I say this to point it out in case it becomes an option down the road. My sitch is best summarized in my signature block but essentially instead of colorado mountains, my h was nuts about Alaska and we had lived there in the 90's for the military and I firmly opposed going back. H had his reasons but to me, my desires to decide against this one move, after so many for him was ignored. This was crushing to me and a big departure from our early years when we were good partners. We struggled with it and he made selfish choices and ultimately I still did give the place another try--AFTER H made huge changes that I HOPE are real and permanent. Long story short, Alaska did not work out for H, for many reasons unrelated to me, (But my desire to leave WAS finally enough--but I wanted H to see reasons OTHER THAN ME for HIM TO CHOOSE to leave that place, as weird as that sounds...I just wanted the whole thing really out of his system and not be blamed for it 10 years from now)....His "discoveries" were almost ALL things that I had recognized and brought up 30 times before he left But it was like talking to my plate of carrots as far as getting through to him....
Now there is no need for me to say that, b/c for the most part I think he's embarrassed. But Is the mountain area your h likes so much pricier? What are the chances he'll NOT want to stay there? If without you and the kids? Did he want kids of his own, or did he enjoy being with the kids as a step dad? My H was apart from us a lot longer than I thought he would be, before he got too lonely and started opening his eyes to what makes him happy. That sucked but at least I don't worry that he'll want to rush back there again. I think it is OUT of his system. But while he was focussed on it, nothing I said could get through. I argue for a living (am a L) and it drove me crazy to see intelligent rational OR Emotional pleading even by our children, fall on deaf ears. However I will say that just b/c they don't call, does not mean they don't think of you or miss you. You can't erase that many years overnight.
But then my H just could not hear me. He had to be alone enough to figure it out.So I GAL, tried to be a woman only a fool would leave, and made plans for a life without him and parts of that became increasingly appealing to me. IN fact, I believe within a month of my taking a trip with the kids overseas without h, and sending out applications for jobs in ITALY, without it being a "tactic" he seemed to call noticeably more. A month after our return from the trip, he started asking me to join him in the Tundra, then "begging" etc. In some ways I feel I wasted so much time resisting but his idea was really an expensive one. I'm glad we didn't lose our home...mainly I would not uproot d20 then in her senior year of high school. No regrets there. But h has some repair work on that R for sure. At least he knows this now, and wants to do it.
Sometimes I think if we had compromised earlier, he could have spent somee months away up there and then gotten it out of his system. Sounds crazy and it would have been, but I now WONDER if he would have lasted there for less time, and been away less time, if I had just said "go ahead" see you every few months. That appalled me, and would have felt terrible and just wacky. But what I just went through was pretty crazy and damn long, too....
Read the book and think of what he fell in love with when he met you, including the parts about the boys. Take sandi's advice b/c it's very helpful, though tough. OH Do the kids like the snow at all? See if they can share some time without you there....but be ready for the "talk" coming...be involved and make sure the kids know they are NOT the burdens they'll feel they are. Don't tell THEM that you should have made H more of a priority, if you know what I mean
Good luck, but be prepared for a long roller coaster ride if this is MLC. iF it's your basic OW....those R's rarely last, for what it's worth and I think the average length is 6 months but I don't know when the "clock starts" on that.
Sorry you are here, but you are in the right place.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'll consider the talk and my presence for the upcoming conversation with the kids, along with the excellent points about H having to "discover" the objections for the move himself.
H did not want his own children and has been great with D15 and S17 since they were little. In the last couple years, he seemed to become more distant as we would be gone in the evenings for games/activities and he'd have to do his own thing for dinner, etc. As he became more distant, I became resentful... and so the story goes.
I objected originally to the move because the kids have two years left in HS. I have shared custody with my ex, and if we lived 2 hrs away we'd have to renegotiate our arrangements. In hindsight, I think the X would have worked something out with me or maybe even I could move and leave the kids here during the wk, wknds with me? It would be more expensive for H to be in a mnttown. Single guys usually share apts with others (maybe 4-5 to a 2 bdrm) to cut the rent. H said he didn't want to do that, but I don't know financially how else he could.
Thx again for the input which I'll consider carefully; especially reflecting on why he fell in love with me and the kids and how to be a woman only a fool would leave and make plans for a life without him.
So I GAL, tried to be a woman only a fool would leave, and made plans for a life without him
I just love that quote!! If we women would live like that from the inside out every day of our lives......wow, we would knock them right out of their shoes!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
? - as I try to GAL, and since H isn't living at home right now but does come by for clothes, etc., what thoughts does anyone have about wedding photos, etc. that I've got up in the bedroom. It's hard to look at them all the time, but what message would it send if I put the photos away for awhile?
This is just my personal opinion, but if it bothers you to look at them, put them out of sight for a while. As for what your H thinks, maybe it will cause him to wonder. Be prepared with an answer if he should ask why you put them up. However, I would not tell him that it hurt to look at them b/c that shows you being "needy". I might even go as far as to say something like, "I decided it was time to make some changes." If he asks what that means, just don't answer him. I have learned that from my H. Just b/c you are asked a question does not mean you have to answer it. It "may" appear to be rude, as I have always thought it to be, but in DBing, that is the best way to handle some subjects. Your H can make out of it whatever he choses and it may even cause a tiny bit of mystery by giving that type of answer. I don't see too many wedding pitures out after a couple has been married a while, anyway.
In fact, you may want to make some other changes in the bedroom to give it a different look. So, when or if your H should ask about any of it.....the same answer would hold......"time for changes to be made". Not knowing him, I certainly don't know if he would or wouldn't, but a lot of men would not even notice!
Do what makes you feel better. You might want to re-arrange furniture or buy some throw pillow or new curtains to spruce the entire house up a bit. Just enough to give it a different look. It doesn't take a lot of money to get a few different things to make us feel better. Changing things around on the walls makes the rooms look different. I bought new lamp shades and it gave my room a completely different look.
It is important to think about you and to focus on "you".....not him. That is not being selfish, even though it may sound like it is. It is survival and it is self-improvement. You can't improved yourself when you are always wondering what "he" is going to think or what type message you are sending him. For now, think about you and how you can pick yourself up.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with Sandi. The first thing I did post-Bomb was de-WAW the house. Pictures gone. She had bought me a shirt while she was on her trip -- the one she decided to divorce me on -- and I left that on her dresser, along with a wallet she gave me at the same time, etc. If I'm on my own, I'm on my own, thank you -- I can get my own pictures, wallets, and shirts just fine.
So I'd rearrange, just as Sandi says. It sounds trivial, but it was important for me -- it made me feel like I had SOME power in this situation.
Thank you both. I agree - make the changes I need to for ME and I definitely remove the photos and rearrange things too. That's always fun. Something to give me a lift and feel like I'm in control.
I am worrying way too much about what he'll think. Good observation, Sandi. It's so hard not to obsess! I continue to read DR and will start my solution-based journal shortly.
Found out today OW won't be kept on to work with my H at his job for the summer. Seems like a good sign because they won't be able to hang out as much. Won't change the cell phone calls/texts (wish he'd hurry up and get off my plan and I wouldn't look at the activity). But maybe a step in the right direction that they won't see each other as much.
H called my cell today but I didn't feel like talking. Guess I felt like I needed to pump myself up first for the cheerful, loving GAL attitude that I'm just not feeling at the moment!! It's hard to put on the happy face at a moment's notice.
H called to see if I'd be home tonight. Came by but only to call our cell phone carrier to separate the bill. Took FOREVER and I made small talk and did a good job of not being too interested, no ILYs, seeming detached, etc.
But what was odd was the kids were home and in the basement. He didn't go down to say hi or talk. In fact, H hasn't talked to them since the first week he left. He's offered no explanation to them (D15, S17) for what's going on.
I went down afterwards and said H must be having a really hard time and be very confused to not talk to them, and just to pray that he can work through his issues and get to a better place. Tried to assure them this has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with how H is coping.
It really broke my heart that he didn't go talk to them. But I didn't say anything to H because I didn't want to seem controlling or pushing him or guilt tripping him.
Isn't that odd or is this typical with a MLC or WAH?
Not to dash your hopes, but don't get to excited about them not working together. If they are hot and heavy for each other....it will have to run its course until the excitement fades out.
Let me try to explain something about a statement you made about loving GAL and putting on a happy face. Not sure exactly what you mean by "lovingly" GAL, maybe you can expound a bit more on that. GAL is for you to become more interesting b/c you are out of that house getting involved with people, making new friends, finding hobbies you enjoy, just plain having fun again. It also shows your H that you are not sitting at home pinning away for him. The point is for you to grow as a person and become more well rounded and interested.......plus it has a way of getting his attention if you are consistent. I don't know what you mean by lovingly. You don't want to get a life that would be centered around anything vindictive or something of that nature b/c you would only be hurting yourself. But, this is very important.......GAL is not to be center around him....in case that was what you meant by "lovingly". Do things to make yourself feel good. As you said, you need to get pumped up. Get a manicure or do something you don't usually do that would be fun.
As far as putting on a happy face, the point there is to show him that you are doing just fine.......not that you are happy with the stitch! You must be careful not to come across as "fake" b/c he knows you well and will see through that and it will turn him off....big time. So, you are "happy" in whoyouare and that you have decided that you will be fine with or without him b/c you are going to have a life!! That is why you must do things to keep a positive mental attitude about YOU........YOU.......YOU. Not obsessing about him or the M, but you. You have to be sold on yourself and you have to be like it was said before......act as if you are the greatest woman on earth and any man would be a fool to let you slip through his fingers. If you believe that, then you just might sell him on that belief, also. That is why we preach over and over that all of this must be for you and for the rest of your life......IT IS NOT A GIMMICK TO WIN BACK YOUR HUSBAND! If you think that and act that.....it will not last. So many people come back after the S returned home and they thought everything was fine. Guess what they say? They stopped with the changes. You know why? B/c it wasn't for them and it wasn't for the rest of their life. They did it only to win their spouse back. So.....once again, they find themselves back here.
The sooner you drop the rope and stop obsessing over him and OW, the better off you will be and the sooner the excitement of the A will wear off and he will start noticing what he left at home. But, you must convince yourself, I can't do it for you.....okay?
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
