Hi Peacetoday, We go to different therapists. I did go and sit outside while he had therapy today. He shared some of what he learned on the way home. He felt it was a good session and he might not be so apprehensive for the next one(4/10/09)-that's good for him b/c he dreads therapy. He talked about setting boundaries and doing what feels right for him, not what necessarily pleases others. He said he'd always been a pleaser, gone along with what others wanted-and that it had nothing to do with me-that it was about him and his history. Of course I'm listening and validating and supporting while he shares and my mind is wondering is he talking about boundaries with me? or is it the OW(b/c she went to his apartment last week and that is when they restarted their affair-she pursued him(he is a distancer))-could be both of us. He went home from "work"(at his home office here) early b/c he says he has a lot to digest and think about. I stayed upbeat and pleasant and asked no questions! (It is getting easier if I concentrate on it each time we interact). I am kind of down b/c I know that now I must distance myself(there won't be any boundaries to set w/me if I'm not around, not initiating anything)-makes me sad-like I'm giving up on him. Makes me lonely thinking he probably won't initiate anything with me-he seems distant and closed off now. I do have a few things planned for the weekend with friends, but there's a lot of time in between. I just hope he keeps contact with the girls(he didn't last weekend at all).
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Just remember that these situations are fluid. Just because you distance now doesn't mean it's going to be that way forever. Pay attention to what happens and adapt accordingly.
K Sometimes I think it doesnt matter what we do we distance were friendly some of them have to go thru the tunnel on their own therapy is a plus..if he is willing and working on himself some of these guys may be able to work thru this quicker and with a smaller amount of damage but most of tham seem to have to go and create a real mess of their M, the finances and their R with just about everyone except the ow you are doing so well just tke care of yourself and your finances and your kids peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Last night was rough-I felt so angry and alone-lots of tears. Worked out this morning and more tears. The waves of sadness and rejection hit me unexpectedly. So my H is looking for another apartment(his lease for his first one expires July 1). So that makes me think either he's hedging his bets(he'll either move back home or move to a bigger place where the girls can have a bedroom of their own). Of course, in my sad state I suspect he's just planning on moving to a bigger place so that when he divorces me, the girls can spend half their time with him. He's given me no indication of what direction he's headed with the OW, or his life. I know its probably b/c he has no clue, but it still hurts to see him make moves that take him further away from me. I'm still refraining from talking about the R or A, but my mind is constantly running conversations/questions... Does the waffling have a time frame-is it part of a stage of MLC?
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
KJ, I can empathize with your situation, as I'm going thru something similar, in terms of the WAS being distant.
We have to learn acceptance, that we ultimately don't have control over our situations. They are going to make the decisions (even if misguided) they're going to make.
Sometimes, our situations call for us to have to learn to let go of the controls, and let things happen on their own. I think this is the case for you.
You can't think your way thru this phase. There is likely no strategy or intervention that will stop the downward spiral.
Tara Brach, author of Radical Acceptance, advises to pause and hold your hand to your heart as a symbol of kindness to yourself and to stay present with the difficult emotions.
I'm thinking of you in this difficult time, and am reminding you that you are part of a community here, and are not alone.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm crying a lot today, so easily. I'm not sure why today is so hard-I know my mind is ruminating-trying to make sense of things that make no sense at all. Weekends seem hardest for me I guess. I've got things scheduled to do, but there's more free time. I have a hard time picturing my self single/divorced/alone. I'm trying to be comfortable with that image, so that I can mentally move on, but right now it eludes me. Thanks again-its nice to know I'm not alone!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
CL, I have a hard time picturing my self single/divorced/alone. I'm trying to be comfortable with that image, so that I can mentally move on, but right now it eludes me. Thanks again-its nice to know I'm not alone!
KJ, I understand wanting to hold onto people, things, or identities we have of ourselves. I'm a person who likes security and to hold onto things, to create an illusion of security. This ordeal is teaching me to not hold onto things so tightly, and to be more flexible, less judgmental, less clingy, and more self-reliant, and it will do the same for you in your own way.
I'm not ready to let go of the house and neighborhood I've lived in for 15 years. I was bound and determined to not ever be a D guy. I still have embarrassment thinking that I could be that soon.
This is going to be an emotional weekend for you, but there is a resilience that shows in your posts. Provide yourself with whatever you feel like you need, whether it's structure, connection, or a box of kleenex and a long crying episode.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
K Hi weekends are hard when all this first started , I made a few single girlfriends to hang out with on the weekends that helped so much one night my friend and I stumbled into this country western dance club people were line dancing, smiling and couples dancing the east coast swing, cha cha, 2 step ect we started taking lessons now almost 18 months later, we dance weekly there and have many friends..bascially it is fun like working out with friends it is non threatening as the same people go every week so It is good to find another woman to hang with I dont suggest dating or anything like that just to go to a movie, dinner, dancing with so many times , I used to go dancing with my heart heavy and thinking only of H now, I look forward to it, and it is part of my new life it takes time
I agree with CL at this phase of the crises, they seem to have to spread their wings I was told He has to go and mine did they visit frequently as it is hard for them to let go completely as well but again unfortuneately there is NO easy way out they have to explore their freedom and youth we have to expolre connecting deeper with ourself, our God, our kids our world lovingly letting them go this is not a lesson for the weak our journey will take to places in ourselves that are amazing as our lives unfold and we become closer to who we are peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
CL and Peace- Thanks for the support. Lots of tears today-that just come with memories and a vivid imagination... I went to a small dinner party at a friend's house tonight while my H stayed with my youngest daughter and took her out for dinner. The dinner party was fun, but everyone else was with spouses and kids-so I kept being aware of who wasn't there with me... I came home and my H was still here playing cards with my daughter-they were having fun which is awesome since my youngest has the most anger towards my H about the separation. My H had done all kinds of "honey-do" things/chores around the house that helped me tremendously. I know I'm supposed to remain distant, but I gave him a hug goodbye-at least he hugged me back. I just sent him a very short "thank you" email for all he did tonight. I'm hoping it wasn't too much-he complained of not being appreciated, of being taken for granted in our marriage, so I am trying to be aware and acknowledge all that he does for us. I am letting go more than I ever have, hopefully it will become easier on my end. I've always been emotional at leaving/letting go/saying goodbye. I don't know if its abandonment issues(I'm adopted) or what. Intellectually I know we have little control over people/things, no ownership of anything but our selves. Emotionally I don't think I'm quite as enlightened. I'll just keep trying. Thanks again for your support and good ideas!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
K It is a tough call to be distant this technique is to let the WAS realize and feel the loss this one was hard for me too for the first 2 years I was mostly there..validating H and being the wife I thought he always wanted I fwlt I had to b/c I made a lot od mistakes in the M I was not there for H a alot so I needed to do this as a amends for my shortcomings in the M I said thank you I was appreciative and our R went well during the seperation..but I dont think H felt any loss b/c I was there now I dont really know what the odds are that even if they feel the loss they will return vs if we are there for them they will return I think we have to try different things and decide which tecnique will be best Im still trying to figure this one out peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
