Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[kjensen]

My H and were talking and texting yesterday. His biggest fear right now is that he'll end up alone (without me or the OW) and poor. He really thinks this will happen. He feels like a divorce between is us mapped out, inevitable. So despite my repeatedly telling him, that I can see a more positive, healthier future relationship/marriage to him- he cannot see that.
I wrote a letter asking him to try imagining a future for us, starting fresh, just to see if he could perhaps get past all of the negative filters he's looking through right now. In the letter I shared that if he chose the OW I couldn't see being friends with him, that I felt he would have two families and he and I would lead separate lives that had to be coordinated for the kids. I shared all the things I'd worked on on my own that would definitely create a different type of funtioning between us. Shared my happier/healthier vision of our future marriage after some hard work togetherfirst (and conuing work going forward). I suggested he work with his therapist to figure out his needs/wants, goals for his future before he made a major decision. Lastly I said I am his friend, I supported him and cared for him.. Now, do I give him this letter, or should I just go forward acting "as if" I am already that happy friend/spouse?

[Concerned_Listener]

KJ,
Do you see your H on a fast track to D? Is he in a hurry to make a decision?

Your letter is asking him to think about his needs and desire, and to discuss them in therapy. This seems like a reasonable request to me.

The letter also has some elements of an ultimatum in it. If he continues to see the OW, what are saying you're going to do?

My advice would be to frame the letter in terms of what you are trying to influence right now. What small steps are you wanting your H to make at this time? Otherwise, it becomes an ultimatum letter, telling him to cease and desist with the OW or else you will do X. What approach do you want to take? What kind of letter do you want it to be, ultimatum or request?

CL

[kjensen]

Good points! I can't tell about how fast my H wants a divorce-we've talked about separating bank accounts(easiest step to do) but he hasn't pushed for it-so we are still joint. I think he feels pressure to make a decision for himself, since his apartment lease is up at the end of June. So by the end of May I think is when he hopes to make a decision. I have a hard time dealing with this A. I don't think I need to make an ultimatum about that though-in my letter it was more that 'if you see us being friends while you off with the OW, I don't think I can do that'. Remaining friends through all of this has been important to both of us, but difficult given the circumstances.
I guess I just want my H t want to continue the efforts he started to see if we "work" or not. His therapist gave us homework to go on a hike together every week without talking about the R. I was also to "check in" with him every day to see how he was doing and rebuild the trust between us. These things all have gone by the wayside.

[peacetoday]

K
Im not sure about the letter
great that H is in therapy..if anything might help these cocnfused mlcers it is that
If you have another session with DB coach ask her what she thinks
Your H is open with you ..about his thoughts and the A that is good
I like your idea of telling H you and he cant be freinds during his A-if he chooses her


MY XH was not honest with me about his affair..I just found out about it in december..he lied to me about his living arrangements probably to maintain the nice friendship we had

If your H decides to seperate bank accounts, I would also do something to protect your house and any other assets you have together..
and yourself from any credit card debt

My H has piled up unbelievable debt since leaving..
the ow they pick usually do not moniter any spending like we would and they encourage H to spend everything
Unfortunately if he is in MLC, there is little rationality for their choices
MY XH Gave up everyhing he had in these 2 years and he literally walks away a D man with nothing except OW
and the riht to visit his kids every other weekend
in ones logical mind, one would think is he crazy?
especially when the Wife has done everything possible to let her MLCer know the M will be better, the DB, validating them
for many of these H, it just doesnt work
at least not immediately although some have come back many of them have to Go to expore the freedom and their youth
many of them pick younger OW
How old is your H?
You are doing everything right
for now, create the friendship and let your H see what he has in you
and take care of your self
peace

[Concerned_Listener]

I guess I just want my H t want to continue the efforts he started to see if we "work" or not. His therapist gave us homework to go on a hike together every week without talking about the R. I was also to "check in" with him every day to see how he was doing and rebuild the trust between us. These things all have gone by the wayside.

KJ,
I didn't realize you two were separated. How long has this been the case?

What effort has your H been making towards reconciliation during this time?

How do you feel about the way your H is treating you at this time?

CL

[sunshinelewis]

Peace I totally believe they are exploring their youth.
When my xh left me he said that he had been married 20 years and wanted to be single again and "PLAY". And that he did, in 6 months he has had a few women, all in their 20's....he will be 41. He has lost around 50lbs and very tanned! He works out daily.
In hight school and college he was very slim, and I feel like he is trying to get his youth back. When he first left, I dont know about now, he went clubing and dancing alot. I know he still drinks, which he NEVER DID before, except on New Years or something. He is living with a 26 year old right now and I dont know how much going out they do but he did tell me once "they were officially boyfriend/girlfriend. Instead of talking to me like the adult he is and saying we are a couple. He says the bf/gf thing. lol I find it amusing and very teenageish.
Out of anger the last time we spoke, he said they would be married by the end of the year. I said to him "Good for You".
I dont know who is worse, my teenager or him.
I never knew MLC existed, I always thought it to be JUST an excuse, but its REAL thats for sure.

[kjensen]

CL,
My husband told me he wanted to move out around Christmastime. On 12/28/09 he told me he thought he was in love with someone else-but nothing had happened(just an EA-but he doesn't believe those are A). On 1/3/09 he moved into an apartment 10 minutes away. He still works out his home office-so nights and weekends are his. My H said he didn't start dating the OW until a few weeks after he moved out. She bought him furniture for his apartment within the first week. On 2/8/09 he bought tickets for them to go to San Diego on 2/20/09. On 2/14/09 I confronted him(I found out about the tickets thru snooping) and on 2/15/09 he had a nervous breakdown and started therapy the next week. He broke upwith the OW on 2/16/09 via email and told me he had selpt with the OW once about a week prior. She emailed him a week later with a story about sitting with a dying friend who wished her all the best and "to know that someone loves you"-in her email she passed this dying wish on to him. He didn't seem to get that she was telling him she loved him, but I did. He emailed her back with condolences and wishing her the best(I didn't see that email. So supposedly the A was over 2/16. She knocked on his apartment door 3/19/09 and they just talked(per H). He slept over at her house 3/21/09-I don't know about 3/20... During the time when the A was over, my H and I were doing our "homework" and spending time together. Things were up and down and I was learning what triggered his anger(any R talk, any mention of the A or OW). He slept over and we had sex several times since we separated until probably the end of February. He says he feels disconnected after sex with me and yesterday he said that was how he felt for 10 years (I think this is definitely rewriting history-b/c he always complained of lack of frequency and not the quality/conneciton).
I went to one therapy session wit his therapist, but he insists it wasn't marital therapy, just therapy to learn how to talk to each other(active listening).
I feel that my H treats me respectfully, but distantly right now. We actually were painting my daughter's bedroom today and it was comfortable and fun at times. I was acting upbeat and made no mention of the R or A even though I really want to know if he's planning to continue with the A now that I know...I do feel threatened by the OW-she called my H last night(he told me) and offered to submit his resume to someone she knows...
My H is 44 and I'm 43. We known each other 21 years and have been married 15.
The OW is 46, "too thin", very active, former body builder with a young sone and daughter(I think ages 8 and 10). She is a financial professional(like him but a different field). She has her kids every other week-so the weekends I know they've been together were her weeks "off". I do know her name(I asked him to tell me and even though he didn't want to at first, he did)...
I have a hard time understanding how a divorced woman with children could pursue a married/spearated man with children.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I have a hard time understanding how a divorced woman with children could pursue a married/spearated man with children.

Depends why she got divorced. Just because we can empathize with someone doesn't mean they are the good guy.

Enough LBS Guys here to prove that point.

I was acting upbeat and made no mention of the R or A even though I really want to know...

GOOD FOR YOU KJEN!!
Absolutely good for you. A quick learner and study. I hope you can keep it up. You had a great day and didn't f it up by NEEDING your questions answered. Good for you.

[kjensen]

Thanks! Does wanting the questions answered ever go away? My mind is constantly focused on the resumption of the A and whether it will continue now that I know. I guess it is a positive that my H mentionned the OW had called him last night(about his resume). I can't help but see her as the enemy, even though I know my husband is responsible for his actions. I feel from the few things I know that she is a bit manipulative or at the very least has her own agenda about him. If he finds a job outside the house(he owns his own business and has an office in our home) then he won't see me very much at all. Do you think I am reading too much into this or is she just being supportive and helpful(like he thinks)?

[kjensen]

Thanks! Does wanting the questions answered ever go away? My mind is constantly focused on the resumption of the A and whether it will continue now that I know. I guess it is a positive that my H mentionned the OW had called him last night(about his resume). I can't help but see her as the enemy, even though I know my husband is responsible for his actions. I feel from the few things I know that she is a bit manipulative or at the very least has her own agenda about him. If he finds a job outside the house(he owns his own business and has an office in our home) then he won't see me very much at all. Do you think I am reading too much into this or is she just being supportive and helpful(like he thinks)?