Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[kjensen]

Hi, I'm new to this and could use some wisdom and advice from others. My husband of 15 years(dated 5 years before marrying) told me over Chistmas that he thought he was falling in love another woman and wasn't sure he ever loved me, but wasn't in love with me now. He had been seeing her for a few months and gave me various storied as to how they met(final one was while working out at the rec center). He said she refused to see him because he was married(she's divorced w/2 younger kids).
He moved out to an apartment at the beginning of 1/09. We have two daughters(11 and 13). He has his own business and works out of our house and cannot financially support himself at this time on is own.
I snooped through a few records and found out that the OW bought him an $800 table and chairs for his new apartment because "he deserved something for getting on with his life"- he said. After that I found out that he had purchased tickets for them to go away. When I confronted him after I found out about the tickets he admitted that he was "dating" the OW. The next day he had a nervous breakdown and the day after that broke up with the OW via email(he showed me)-after telling me that he had indeed consummated their relationship once about a week prior). He stayed over a bit more after that. Whenever we had sex he said it made him feel empty and disconnected afterwards. At first he refused conseling but after the nervous breakdown he started seeing a therapist on his own(refuses to go with me for marital counseling) and was diagnosed with major depression and started on meds. That was 3 weeks ago.
We've practiced active listening/validating-although we are not perfect at it. Last Tuesday he sent me an email, saying he had felt for awhile that he wanted out but didn't know how to tell me or the kids. Our life just wasn't working for him...A few days later, I started distancing more and in fact suggested we get separating banks accounts-which freaked him out a bit. Had my first DB telephone counseling session Friday and was all set to remain upbeat, distant..do some tests. But Saturday he was AWOL(very unlike him)-unreachable( i called once and texted once), This morning I drove by the OW's house and his car was there (5:30am). He finally called me at 11:15am and I mentionned(in a pretty Non-upset way) that I knew he'd spent the night with the OW. I stayed upbeat, said I new he wanted a divorce and we could separate accounts Monday and start figuring out details..I did ask him why after we had done so much talking about being honest with each other-he still couldn't be-I was very neutral in talking, not upset, not yelling-just matter-of-fact. No answer about the honesty-He said he had alot to think about...No contact since(which I expected). But, he works out of the house and will be here in the AM and I'm home with the kids all week for Spring Break Do I act as a friend, stay upbeat and neutral and avoid R talk, or do I disappear(harder for me to do)-be unavailable? All of these choices he's made are very uncharacteristic for him. He misses his daughters terribly, but hasn't made huge efforts to see them often-they don't like going to his place.

[Concerned_Listener]

KJ,
What advice did the DB counselor have for you?

Does the medication seem to be helping him? Major Depression is a significant diagnosis. I'm glad he's getting help for it.

I'm glad you found this forum. You will get plenty of support, and will learn a great deal from reading others posts and the responses of those who've been thru similar situations.

How are you doing coping with this ordeal?

CL

[kjensen]

The DB counselor went over my goals and how I would know when things were working. We came up with some tests. Certainly avoiding any talk of the R or the OW seems to get my H closer/warmer. Conflict keeps him distant. In the past I was the pursuer and he was the distancer- I stopped pursuing a few weeks ago.
As far as the depression, he seems less emotional(before all of this it was a rarity to see him cry or get choked up)-but he still gets choked up over the odd comment about being friends always. He still has an easy trigger for anger though. So I don't think the antidepressant is doing its full thing(I'm a pharmacist)quite yet.
Looking back-he started having insomnia when the affair started and that has continued throughout this ordeal. Although last night, the night he stayed with the OW he said he'd slept better than he had in months..
I have only about two friends that I talk to in detail, and have seen a therapist periodically-next appt 3/31...None of my friends are divorced although I am from divorced parents(at age 13 dad moved out and they had a bitter divorce 5 years later...) I feel like a failure, allowing this to happen to my kids. So I'm pretty emotional and feeling completely baffled by all that's happened-like its someone else's life. I started working out when it began and don't eat much(don't feel like it) so I've dropped 17 lbs in 3 months. I'm trying to figure out how I can fill the void in my life, and get past the broken dreams.

[peacetoday]

K
Sorry you find yourself here
there are no real answers except to try to take care of yourself and your kids
IF your H is in counseling that may be helpful, but like most of us here it is a long haul
If it is MLC, there is no easy way thru it
most of our H have A
most of them run through a lot if not all of the money
protect yourself fianacially espescially since the business is half yours
My xh almost bankrupted our business right before our D
by the grace of God, I was able to get my hands on it to save it
our H, most of them become messes
very distant, unemotional liers bad fathers
I wouldnt expect to much from him now
as far as what to do, you can try either way
I was upbeat non confrontitive with mine for a while right after bomb
that set us up for a friendship which we did have and helped him maintain R with kids
in that time he was loving with oW and lieing about it
Now I am dim and while it helps me to a degree, H is a mess
so you will have to make your own choice and moniter it
this is my opinion only
if its MLC, nothing you do will make them turn around
it is best to practice no pressure be kind and affirming that will keep the doors open
good luck
peace

[kjensen]

Thank you both for the kind words and support. I worry that since I'm so full of emotion and have been holding it in all day to have fun with the girls, that I'll not have the self-control I should tomorrow. It makes me sad that my H hasn't contacted the girls at all yesterday or today and when this all began he promised he would. I think, in a way, most of my anger is about how this affects the kids.

[Concerned_Listener]

KJ,
It is an emotional time. I'm glad to hear you have an appointment with an IC. I would see them at least every other week. You're going to need the support, and to take a pause from your life for self-reflection. Friends are helpful, but they will be biased towards you, and not think in terms of the M.

Your H has a lot of work to do. He's in pain and is looking for quick comfort.

Be careful with the self-judgment. Dont' use words like failure to describe yourself. Yes, you made mistakes in your M, but you're allowed to be imperfect. The A is your H's choice and failure to face his problems.

Focus on self-care at this time in addition to your DB efforts. Prepare yourself for a journey. Keep posting daily on this forum. Posting is a form of journaling and self-expression, and you will feel a sense of community, as you see you're not alone in your struggles.

CL

[kjensen]

Spoke to husband this morning. He had just talked to the OW last Thursday (she knocked on his door)and restarted the affair 3/21. We had the best day between us communication-wise last Thursday so I was starting to get hopeful, especially after my DB phone counseling 3/20! I feel like I started heaing only to be hurt worse. My husband says he's numb. He's made no indication of whether he's continuing the affair or not. I asked him how he felt when he was with the OW and he said "good, happy". So I guess he needs to feel good and happy when he's with me. It's harder now since I hurt more now.

[Concerned_Listener]

KJ,
I'm glad to hear about the connection between you and H recently. What did he say that created hope for you?

Does he know how you feel about the OW, and that you would like to work on solving your problems without her in the picture?

Your H's numbness possibly means that he's not in touch with his feelings.

CL

[kjensen]

Hi CL,
I think what created hope last Thursday was that were actually comfortable around each other, there wasn't tenseness. In the past, there'll be uncomfortable silences and my H will say we have nothing to talk about-nothing in common and take that as a sign we should end our relationship. So Thursday, was "like normal"-we laughed and just chatted. He gave me a hug goodbye-anytime he initiates physical contact I guess I feel hopeful.
My H knows how hurt I am about the OW. I told him how I felt about Thursday and how his restarting the A that night hurt. He said "I guess I blew it"...but nothing more. He knows I want to go to MC together(he refuses. He doesn't see this as a choice between the OW and me-he says its not a competition. But I said that you can't have me AND the OW-so you do have to make a choice...so thats where we are...really no indication of what he thinks about us or the OW/A. I think I'll try to distance more now(which is hard since he works at a office in our home and I see him every weekday)-just because I have a lot of hurt and I keep pissing him off with comments about us-he blew up at me twice today.

[peacetoday]

K
It is so very hard,this situation
I dont know what your H will do if he has to choose between ow and M
for the most part , they choose ow
the attraction/pull is very strong
in my case the DB, also built hope in me b/c H and I got along well while I db...now I am dim and will be changing that very soon
dimness creates huge walls between us
I see the purpose in it and it has worked for some, I wish the map were clearer
peace