Here are some notes I just made from the counseling I'm taking:
During the course of the last ten weeks of therapy, I wanted to start by focusing on my D and how that was effecting me as a human being. My intent was wholy to try and save my M, but I had to stop concerning myself with the pain of the separation and pending D to try and relieve myself of some of the agonizing pain it was causing me.
Here are some of the memories:
First nine sessions:
1. Memories of H driving out of my driveway with OW and me running down to the gate to try and stop him. Tears. b. Memories of H trying to run me over with his truck to push me out of his way. 2. Memories of my near drowning event at three years old. (Trying to catch my brother who was running away from me). Tears. 3. Memories of three other near-drowning experiences. 4. Memories of running through the woods, and little boy running away from me. Coming into a frozen snow-covered pond and feeling fear. 5. Memories of falling down basement stairs.
My IC asked me if was able to see how my D was causing me to feel like I was drowning? Could I see how, if my H left me, I would die?
10th Session: Thursday, March 12, 2009
1. Started with near-drowning incident and seeing through the water, and gulping water as I was going down for the last time. Being brought up by my brother but going unconscious. 2. Memories of finding my older siblings sitting around at the brook that winter, and then they all ran away from me. Memories of crying as I was running through the woods trying to catch them. Memories of running into a tree stump and splitting open my chin. (Got six stitches – can still feel the scar). 3. Memories of being left by first love, love of my life. 4. Memories of being left by siblings when my mother was dying. (They literally ran away from me as they were going out to dinner together. We were in a parking lot and they ran across the street in front of oncoming traffic just as I was about to chase them. The traffic stopped me, and after it passed, they were gone).
IC asked me if I can see the corralary now between pursuing my H and what happened to me in the past. She wanted me to try to stop the pursuing behavior and try to start nurturing that little girl who got left.
Saturday, March 14th: I realized, while talking to gf about it, that bad things happened to me when I pursued; near drowning, splitting my chin, frozen lake etc.
jojo, I'm not sure this can help you, but I did speak to my H on Friday. He is not living in his camper anymore and would not tell me where he is. I said, "that's OK becuase I don't want to know anymore." I think it shocked him.
I can see my behavior changing. The feelings of hurt and despair are still strong, but I'm still surviving. IC says I've always survived and not much more. I don't know how to "nurture that little girl within me," but I guess I need to find out how to do that.
Thank you Poet for your words of encouragement. I am hanging onto my Hope. I don't like when I feel desperate...because that can lead to desperate actions if we're not careful.
Night time and my days off are the worst, usually. My mother and father have been very supportive of me. It has been tough times...just a lot of stresses and $$$.
1.) I'm going to get my hair done this week. That usually makes me feel better. 2.) I like to get my mani & pedicure, but that is a luxury that I have to put off for another couple of weeks. 3.) I do want to by a dress. I think I'll go out with my mom this afternoon.
I know times are tough for you, but you sound better and stronger. We have to become positive, confident, and authentic women if we are to be the women we know we can be. Right?
Those are a lot of traumatic experiences. Just having a H leave with OW is traumatic in itself...terrible feeling.
You sound like you are starting to grow. Imagine yourself being a perenial flower who is just starting to poke her little head out of the ground to take a peak at the sparkling sky. She is ready to bloom.
Good work, Poet, I'm proud of you. Think of this note as if I were with you holding your hand. You are taking care of yourself, just by putting all those things aside for the moment. Poet, I had a massage this week. My brother paid for it, thank God. If you can, I recommend it. It's awesome!
Also, I am going to be along side of you, putting my worries about A aside while I work on my authentic self, as well.
Hey There! Alright, it's time to buck up! Spring is here and it's time for you to get and get ready for it. I'm glad you went and did a little pampering for you. I just got my hair done too. Always makes me feel better. And I've gotten lots of compliments. The next thing I need to do is get a bathing suit. Yikes. I'm actually very happy with my weight. It's been a hard fight after the baby. I need to tighten up in a few spots, but overall, I'm happy with the results. However, I have stretch marks. And there's NOTHING that can be done about that. So while I hate that I've got to resort to a one piece or a tank-kini, that's what I have to do. The kid is worth it but man, I hate those things. I think Hope is one of the most wonderful things in the world. Don't give yours up.
Hi ... without Hope ... desperation takes over ... it is a terrible evil.
Last night, my roommate and I watched 'The Story of Us' and 'Fireproof'. We both cheered and sobbed at the end.
As for me, I have to lose about 15 lbs. I have pretty good muscle tone, but I'm losing some ground because my neck and shoulders are bad. And my middle got pudgy since the 'd'.
I talked to A yesterday. It was good. We covered almost everything. He shared with me about his brother, the stress with his job, he talked about his visit to his friend in Miami, he listened about my parents. We laughed. I just wish I was sharing his life with him. I found myself jealous of his new friend and an old one, M (she was not a good friend to me). Still, I felt a lot better because I know that he's not doing anything that I have to worry about. He doesn't seem like he is getting into any situations with any emotional risks. I'm glad.
My book is coming Friday. I ordered more today. It's good, but sometimes, I get overwhelmed by them.
Wait a minute! Florida is bathing suit season all the time!
I'm going to have tea now. Have a good night. Thanks for your constant optimistic outlook.
Hey There Baby Cakes Glad you got to talk to him. And even if he were, maybe that would be better in the long run for you two. That way you would know, he got whatever out of his system, he did it while you were not together and he still came home....not all bad. It would be hard to stomach but you could survive that if you are surviving this.
Hi SLH: Today was a great day...it usually is at work. I have to do a better job when I have time off. I can't work 24 hrs. a day.
Re: A...he isn't having an affair. He hangs out with people who he knows he doesn't have a 'threat' of emotional connection. One of his best friends is a woman from work, who is very out and happy as a lesbian. His other friend, M, (who used to be a friend of our's)has a very platonic relationship with A. He is not interested in her. She just loves to be with him 'all' the time. It's a long story. Meanwhile, she has a loving boyfriend waiting for her at home. It's nuts...
When A and I were married, she always say the oddest things. For instance, 'where's 'our' husband tonight?' 'Before A married you, he used to buy me more things. Now he only buys things for you.' Ugggghhhhkkkkk! So juvenile!!!
Why didn't I wake up sooner? My mother tells me that she never trusted her, and now M has exactly what she wanted. Believe me, there's not enough time in the day to tell you about her.
I forgive her. I just don't trust her. She messed me up after A left. She's a moocher and a miser. All I know is that I believed her because I wanted to...I'm angry at myself. All I remember is my heart was breaking, and all around me fell apart. And she was all I had to hang onto. Ugghghhhkkkk!
Sooooooo....now, when he says that he brought M to see a show for her birthday...inside I wanted to die...but my voice was 'happy, happy'.
Maybe the next time, I should tell him that I really don't want to hear about M. I just can't get my head wrapped around the reason why he can go and do things with everyone else--trips, movies, fancy restaurants, shows. Is it because he has to get something out of his system while he doesn't have to invest any emotional ties?
1.) I did txt him on Sunday...too nervous to directly call him...said hi and asked him to call when he had a chance. 2.) he called soon after that. I didn't expect him to call. 3.) it was ok...neutral to good...some laughter, some joking, some listening 4.) he mentioned about getting my stuff from his place...I told him about the laundry soap that I got for him. a.) he said that he would put the bed and tv in his car, but it wouldn't fit. I offered to help him on a day that we can get together...we said that we'd have to do it in a couple of weeks.
5.) he said that he liked a show so much that he took M on her birthday...that just burns me...even though I did the 'happy' voice.
6.) I guess I'll have to plan to talk soon...my mind can't straighten out.
7.) I have the letter already to send...my mother is worried that he'll show M and she will sabotage me...she said to hold off for a couple of weeks.
8.) I don't feel hopeful about any of this. I feel that I am holding on. ????
Good, the talk went well and he called you after the text. Certainly didn't have to do that. Forget about M. If M were anything to him they would be together by now. He probably knows what M is about and probably, she's just "filler". But that I mean this: When you break up with someone, one of the difficult parts is that you don't talk to that person anymore. So you find a "filler" to fill in those spots. They are there for you to text or call or hang out with. Now, the filler can't do everything, but they help "fill" in the dark spots. I agree with mom. Hold off a bit. You've been this patient, you can be some more. You are doing great DB buddy.
I guess a filler is a good word for it. He hates being alone. The only time he doesn't mind being alone is when he is tired, sick, or if he has some chores to do.
Thanks for your encouragement. I really appreciate it.
By the way, I received the book...I just started to read it.
I have the weekend off. I have to try to get better at my days off. What do you usually do on your days off?
