In Dec 2008 I discovered an A that my H was having with a co-worker. At that point we had been married 6 1/2 years and together for 13 1/2. He said it was a mistake and we went to marriage counselling. I read DB and did everything I could to be the greener grass. H used my efforts to take complete advantage and my lack of persuing, controlling ect to easily continue his affair. We lived this way for 4 months.
In April 2008 on the night of H's birthday he drank way too much and decided to leave me at the place we were and drive to the adjacent town to visit ow(who he still denied). On his way he was pulled over by the police and called me to get him as they would not let him drive home. I picked him up and he was convinced that I had called the police on him, he proceeded to attack me physically and damged a number of things including my vehicle and walls when I got him home.
I was at my wit's end and the following morning exposed the affair to his family in a cry for help. H refused to speak to them but moved out to "clear his head" within a week. He claimed he would be living at a friends house - and I dropped the rope - I did not try to verify. During this period he would show up at my house in the morning with coffee before work, and try to romance me(which I did often give in to-I thought we were working on it)and would go insane if I did anything to GAL, or was the least bit mysterious by not answering texts right away or the phone as suggested. I then discovered with my own 2 eyes that he was living with OW the entire 7 weeks. I confronted him-and her(who claimed he said I kicked him out and changed the locks)and called a lawyer.
After a few days he begged me to meet him, said he had made the biggest mistake of his life and wanted our M and would do whatever I wanted. OK shortening this up - he "moved in with his parents" which consisted of(now I know) going everynight between 8:30 - ? to ows house then home to his parents to bed. Looking back obviously I didn't want to know. I always suspected but I didnt do anything to prove my theory. In late Novemeber I was told by a cousin who lives 8 hours away that he had moved out of his parents about 2 weeks earlier. Again he denied but I got him to sign separation papers(mainly for my finances). The following morning he got violent and I went to the police. He was arrested and put on no contact for the monthy of december. He is currently on probation.
So where we stand now is that he is saying all the right things - and not showing them - and I have symapthy for him but no desire to go back from where I came. But he is a see-saw of emotions if things are not going right - then its threats again. I will talk more on this but this is way too long and you've probably given up reading already!
Me-33 H-36 D-5 EA/PA-Late 2007-? H moved out April 2008 Legal Separation signed Dec 2008
No I don't. If I was feeling more positive about my M, I probably would, but unfortunately that's not the case. I have a H who just happens to be a roommate. It would be great if that could change, but as long as he continues to think that he doesn't need any help, or that we do, I am not too optimistic. But I tell myself that it could always be worse. It's not good right now, but it definitely could be a lot worse.
Like your H, my H will say all the right things, yet he will do the wrong ones. My H will also say the wrong things and try to fix it later by doing the right things. So while some things are right in the R, there are always some things that are wrong. I said before that I wanted consistency, and there I have it.
Stay strong, QT, and no matter what anyone says to you, including your H, never doubt yourself. Make the decisions that only you know are right for you and your lovely little angel. It's said all the time, but that's because it's so true. Your well-being matters most.
(((((QT)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I have been told that. For the most part my husband was abusive in a different way. I can say now that it was abuse although I didn't see it at the time.
Before his A my husband was not the least bit abusive. I think it all came from a loss of control. He became this way after I discovered the affair and worse and worse as he got more tangled in the lies he was telling. When I say he was abusive in a different way it is because he tried to control every single thing I did.
He is being forced to take a program for 16 weeks about abuse and he was going through the agenda with me. When he read it I really realized what had been going on.
Isolation -every friend I had or made he put down and found fault with, if I was home alone with D I rarely heard from him, if I went out he would try to ruin the evening by calling and texing and saying things like obivously our M was not important if I would not text him back right away ect. or screaming that I was cheating. He even made it so the one place I felt safe - here - I could not post because he would come on and read then rip apart what I said.
Withholding money - he took his paycheque and started a new bank account - he did not pay any of our debt, mortgage, bills after he left, he did pay child support and for his car and insurance but would withold the money if I did any GAL activities claiming that I must then not require his money if I could waste my own.
Degrading - he would constantly put down my parenting and housekeeping skills, I was falling apart and he would take every bit of imperfection and magnify it to make me feel useless. Again any GAL was met with me being selfish and not caring about my daughter.
Destruction of personal possessions - many things got broken a number of cell phones, a laptop, the central vac, cordless phone and chucks out of drywall.
But I didnt see any of that as abuse at the time - it was only those few occasions that he was actually physical. But when I think of how afraid I was to do things. When I talk to my friends I met this summer and they say how I was so fun when I first came out then I was wierd - had to run off after the game, leave in the middle of tournaments to rush home. It really effected me.
Me-33 H-36 D-5 EA/PA-Late 2007-? H moved out April 2008 Legal Separation signed Dec 2008
Well, IMO, emotional abuse of the kind you are describing can leave deeper and more permanent scars than the physical abuse. I'm glad you are able to see things much more clearly now. It must feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of you. I hope that your H is getting the help and attention from professionals that he needs to stop his need to control those around him.
Well the issue is now that H wants to reconcile and he is getting help but can't see that there is no switch to flip to make things better now that he is trying.
And for example when things don't go his way. Like Sunday on his day with D he invited me to dinner. I already had plans with my sister. He ended up dropping D of at his brothers, going to play hockey and picking her up to go home and eat at 7:30. He then had her call me and say she wanted me to come for dinner and then she said "Are you too busy for daddy mommy?" And then I heard him say, no say me, say me. And she said - are you too busy for me mommy?
How do I find you in alternate universe?
Me-33 H-36 D-5 EA/PA-Late 2007-? H moved out April 2008 Legal Separation signed Dec 2008
Well a true sign if he is trully managing to change his ways and resolve his extreme control issues is his reaction when things don't go how he wants them to. What you have described above tells me he wants to reconcile because he's losing control over you and he's now using your daughter to control you since he's not as effective as he once was. IMO he has a LOT more work to do regarding these issues.
In the Alt Univ. are you part of the DB group? If so look for me there.
Can I get everyone's opinion on something. After H's issues on Sunday night he called Monday and asked if Thursday after work I wanted to have dinner with him and D. Thursday is his day off, he usually takes D to school and then picks her up off the bus and watches her until I am done kickboxing. This week is March Break so she is off.
I agreed to go to dinner because I want to get along. Am I leading him on? Should I be avoiding these types of things since I have no desire to reconcile?
Me-33 H-36 D-5 EA/PA-Late 2007-? H moved out April 2008 Legal Separation signed Dec 2008
