Dug-In...ok I get it now. You would want him to prove via polygraph that he didn't sleep with OW2, not just talk to her inappropriately. You have suspicions that he was physically involved with her during your separation and he denies it, so you would want him to prove it to you. Gotcha.
Wellll....that's a tough one but the bottom line is, if he is innocent he will happily take the test! He may grumble and be offended, but he would comply to prove his innocence! Now whether that is the right answer or not, I have no idea. All I know is that, even given my indiscretions, if my ex-h accused me of an indiscretion that wasn't true, I would happily prove it to him in whatever way he needed me to.
SMW - I will go and try to keep caught up on your sitch.
Puppy...I'm not sure if I should say this because I might be way off base...this might be not helpful at all so just disregard it if that is the case but...
I understand that your W needs this constant validation. I can relate to that, only I don't call it a need for validation. I need the PURSUIT of a man who is sexually hot for me. Is that the same thing? I'm not sure if its the same or not, because in my case I know I'm a MILF and don't need anyone to validate that for me (ie: I am self-assured about my looks and my body). I also know guys want to jump my bones, and that is not what I'm after either (ie: its no big deal to me that guys want to have sex with me, duh, they want to have sex with any girl). I am after TRUE and HONEST PURSUIT by a worthy partner.
Given the fact that I used to allow this pursuit to come at me from other directions during my marriage, it would seem that I am after variety, or that I'm after a quick and meaningless encounter. But I'm not, in reality. I'm after TRUE and HONEST PURSUIT by someone who can really turn me on.
My fiance is giving me all the pursuit I need, he can really turn me on, he is worthy on all levels, and so this works for us. I am turned on all the time, I am faithful, I don't even look in any other direction, and I give him all the pursuit he needs too...I make him feel respected, needed, wanted, valued, trusted, etc. Plus all the sex he could ever want, and more.
So what I am getting at here is this: If you and Mrs. Puppy are at a standoff, where you refuse to give her the validation she desires, and she refuses to give you the sex you desire....then my obvious suggestion is for you to just be the bigger person (yet again, I'm sure) and give her the validation. BUT at the same time, start asserting yourself sexually toward her.
Example: Tell her that her mouth looks fantastic today, is that a new color of lipstick? In fact, it looks so good its making you think of getting a bj. Then when she acts like you just made a horrible statement, don't back down. Just smile and say "hey I'm just sayin', your mouth looks great...I'm a man, what am I supposed to think?"
Another example: Pick her up from work unexpectedly some day when you know she is wearing a dress...and ask her to take her panties off on the way home and let you see what she's got under them. Then if she does it: just drive! Take a peek now and then at her lap...act turned on...but continue driving and watching the road!
The point is to give her the validation while at the same time you are reinforcing your sexual nature to her. It SHOULD, in theory, turn her on for you to do this, if you do it right.
But if this is just downright crazy-talk, I would understand that. I only know bits and pieces of your sitch and about Mrs. Puppy.
Thanks for stopping by my thread. Got me teared up there! I think the best I can do is be their rock. Be stable and caring but firm when ncessary. they are in a precarious position, I admit and the girls may not show more issues for a while.
S16 is really talkative about it. My main focus at the moment is on S13. He doesn't talk about how he feels much. He knows that I am here for him and he talks about everyday stuff with ease. His grades have suffered and I am working on that bit right now. He still had a 3.0 with getting one D. So I have got his grades up by helping him and supporting him. Yes, he is doing this. He is at an age when he really needs his dad and in fact S16 was 13 1/2 when all of this started. So I know how they both will have issues. My Dad has always been a strong and contant factor in their lives and I believe this is helping them now.
Thanks for stopping by.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Oh Kat, thank GOD for your father being in their lives, then! Truly, this will make a HUGE difference. Hang tight to the knowledge that the father figure doesn't have to be their father...it just has to be someone who can truly show them a *healthy* man, one who loves them and will never abandon them.
My father was gone by the time of my divorce, and was never really around my son before that, either. My brother is a good influence, but he is a parapalegic and has so many issues of his own, he could never be there for my son. My only saving grace has been my fiance...
But your father Kat, is a very good thing to have around your kids. It will make a BIG difference.
DQ thanks so much for your posts. I am one of the guilty who didn't want to hear most of what you had to say. I am guilty of overanalyzing every move H made to the point of just needing someone to hit me with a stick. It hasn't been until the last couple of months really that I have truly been able to let go and find myself and KNOW that no matter what, I'll be ok.
The funny part is, now that I'm at that place, he is coming around and I'm now the one that is unsure of what I truly want.
As for the article on being the WAS "BFF", it is the route that I have gone and it is painful and gut-wrenching and definately not for the faint of heart. It has also contributed to most of what I'm feeling now. Trying to be someone's friend when they are NOT being your friend in return, let alone acting like someone who even likes you very much will eventually take its toll on you. I am speaking only of my personal experiences, but had I taken Puppy's and many other wise peoples advice and went dark, hell even dim, I would be in a much better frame of mind and be much more receptive to the positive changes that are happening in our sitch. I have just been burnt one too many times and to be brutally honest, I just don't believe a word that he says and only about 1/2 of what he does. So we will just have to see.
I just wanted to say thank you for putting it out there for all to read, because as much as people don't want to read it, it needed to be said. Puppy, you know I think you rock too, even when I didn't listen, I always knew you were right.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Hi DQ, Could you check out my thread? I have a WAH and I have been doing things differently (for the good) and he says he is happy to see my changes and also is sad that i wasn't behaving that way when we were together. Anyway, he sees the changes in me- comments all of the time about them. He is still attracted to me (this is totally not an issue) and even wants me to "do or send things" to him (even though he is with OW). what do you think I should do give your experience. It seems like you're coming at this at a slightly different angle.... Right now nothing has changed in our sitch in about 10 months. We're in contact (good conversations), but haven't really moved in either direction to reconcile or be done for good. thanks!
S&S....I have read through your painful journey through these past months. You are one strong person. Wow! I was on pins and needles for updates about the baby situation while you were posting that. So I'm just letting you know that I was reading along with your stuff. Again, wow.
I wanted to reach out to you then but could see you were on your own path, trying to be sweet and kind, and I just couldn't bare to say anything, you know? The effort behind DB'ing and the love that pours out of you LBS's is just amazing. I hate to say this because it will sound like I am casting blame on him, but I wish to hell my ex-h had DB'd me, even just a little bit. On me, a little DB'ing would have gone a long way. I seem not to be the norm in that way though. I'm just saying the immense love and compassion you showed during your H's lowest moments was inspiring.
Truthfully, I think in your case, your H's OW is actually gambling, not the OW. I don't see how you can win against that particular type of OW. He needs help. I have lost track of whether or not he is seeking it? I hope so, for his sake, as the father of your kids, and for himself, even if you two don't make it.
If you could go back and change how you handled things, I know you would have taken a stand much earlier and listened to people who said go dark...but in the end, I hope you do at least take away from this whole thing your huge capacity to LOVE through crisis. Going dark on him is probably what would have lessened your pain and anguish by not prolonging the time you were in limbo with him...but no love is ever wasted. Whatever love you gave him wasn't in vain, because it helped YOU. It also helped your children.
You will laugh about this, but one of your posts referred to him as "Captain F*cktard, leading of the one man dumbass parade" and I laughed so f-ing hard when I read that, that I copied it to an email to a friend who had a cheating spouse in the past (ie: she understood the meaning very well!) And we both just laughed and laughed, and now I throw it out there now and then still, just to make her laugh. I don't know why that one made me laugh so hard, it was just the way it rolled out in your post that day. I wanted to hug you while I was cracking up over my coffee!
aretemesia - I went and posted on your thread too, sweetie.
