Dug - it is not unreasonable, but if you really think it is necessary then there is still some doubt in your mind. I think its possible that if you require one of him, he will fail it, but not because he was physically involved with her. Instead, he will likely fail it because its going to be hard for him to remember details of all they talked about, and when he's questioned he's going to get confused. Then failing the test, you are going to think he was up to more than he might have been.
I don't know if this will get deleted or not, but there is a site called Marriage Builders. They have a general questions II area in their forum where LOTS of people advocate polygraph tests. If you can find them, run your question by them over there and see what they say after hearing the whole story.
Personally I would not require it...but that is also because I have doubts as to their accuracy...just my own opinion.
Let me understand: based on your own experience, you think a betrayed spouse should openly pursue, and even try to initiate sex, with a spouse who is actively involved in an affair and is cheating on them?
Or are you saying it would be "wrong" but it would have "worked"?
No, I'm only saying that would have worked on ME in my sitch, but from everything I'm reading (here and other boards) it wouldn't work on most WAS's.
In my marriage, I was constantly seeking his pursuit of me and not getting it. So you see, I was starved for it and felt like I needed it elsewhere since I wasn't getting it from him.
This is apparently not the usual dynamic...so that's why I ended with YMMV...
And remember my opening disclaimer, that some people don't place a high value on sexual fulfillment. I DO place a high value on sexual fulfillment so I chased it, right out the door, since I wasn't getting it from him.
In other relationships, if the person who is cheating is not actually cheating for sexual reasons (many times it is not for sexual reasons, instead it is some emotional reason or an approval seeking thing that has little to do with sex), then that cheating person may respond to the unconditional friendship thing.
In my case and in my case only, I had his friendship, what I wanted was for him to sexually pursue me.
In other cases, this doesn't seem to be the normal pattern.
Yes, the OW is about 50, I am not quite 5 years older than DH.
He and his mother do not have a close relationship--she is not a warm, nurturing person at all. He developed panic attacks at the age of 11, while his own father was deployed, shortly after his brother was born. I don't think his parents ever took the panic attacks seriously until he got older and ended up on Paxil about 10 years ago.
I think the OW will be gone, if only because of the length of time it will potentially take for DH to extricate him from our marriage. We are looking at a minimum of 2-2 1/2 years.
I think he does need counseling to deal with his personal issues, as well as the fact that he has been on Paxil for so long without any type of psychiatric monitoring. The Navy just keeps renewing his prescription without making him see anyone.
Yes, I do miss him terribly and do want him to come home. As for the intimacy, it has already been 14 months and counting on that. I DEFINITELY miss that part! He has been involved with the OW for over a year. I just wish I knew the end was in sight, sooner, rather than later.
I was kind of feeling that way about when he comes home, too, but it was nice to see it from someone who has BTDT, even if it is from the other side of the fence. With the OW being so far away, I am sure he might take the opportunity to cake eat if given the chance. Keep checking on me, as the next few weeks may get hairy.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Also Puppy...in my case, when we separated, we were both free to see other people...and I was not in the midst of an A. My A had been many years prior to separation. Hope that helps because as you can see, it is different. My ex-h wasn't competing with anyone except some bozo's I was just dating, no A's.
I can't get to that website from here. Thanks for the info. I have to make the appt this afternoon.
I don't think there will be an issue with him being confused, he and I both know who it was and what the time frame was, so the main question will be "Did you sex with OW2's name within the timeframe of July 2008 to November 2008." I don't think there is anything to confusing about that.
Sorry to nip at your heels, any words of wisdom for me? LOL Had to be a bit like Dorothy being from KS and all. Anyway, just gave you some info back on page 2 of your thread and wanted to get your take. I am not in any way wanting to get him back, so don't even have to put that thought out there. Just want to help my kids get through the mess with their Dad as best as possible.
I did add some stuff on my thread that had happened last night if you want to check that out, I would appreciate it.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Also Puppy...in my case, when we separated, we were both free to see other people...and I was not in the midst of an A. My A had been many years prior to separation. Hope that helps because as you can see, it is different. My ex-h wasn't competing with anyone except some bozo's I was just dating, no A's.
DQ
Gotcha, DQ -- thanks for clarifying.
In my own particular case, my wife has an OFF-THE-CHARTS high need for validation of her beauty of her youthfulness . . . wants to be seen as being sex-Y, but doesn't want to necessarily have to have any ACTUAL SEX to go along with it (she is LD/ND). So I never knew WHAT to do in order to pull her back towards me. I KNEW she was craving my validation, but after 15+ years of a SSM, I was beyond resentful, and tired of not getting any of MY needs met, all the while speaking HER most important LLs. So I finally stopped validating, which then made her ripe for someone who WOULD, and her affair, and . . .
