Here's where I'm truly coming from. In the past 14 months, there have been 3 deaths of people close to me, including 2 in my family, and a dear next door neighbor, mother of 4, at the age of 42 out of the blue. (Can't even go there with that story b/c it hurts too much even now...) and my mil has terminal cancer so h is there with her now.
Life is short, and tomorrow is promised to no one. The R with your x is whatever it is. But it is one thing for sure, and that's an obstacle to you finding happiness with a another man; a healthier happier man who'll never doubt his feelings for you, or what to do with them, or that he treasures time with you.
My God, don't waste too much of such a finite resource as our time on earth. We don't know how much of it we have. What do you want to look back on? What are you missing? Sadly, you won't ever know if your focus is always on someone who may be permanently unattainable...
So, forgive me if I am speaking out of turn. But something has hit me hard these past months and it's a sense of urgency about our time on earth. A sense that I"ve already wasted so much time worrying about crap I never had control over, or responsibility for, anyhow...and life is precious and sooo short. And you don't get a warning sometimes. My neighbor had 1 minute of a bad headache, said "something's wrong, my head is pounding..." and she was gone. 4 kids and a shell shocked h....
Use whatever time you have on this planet really well.
xoxo ((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey J, after reading your post I am sure I entered MLC... I have this feeling of urgency and time going wasted, fighting to "fix" something that may never be fixed while there are people out there capable of loving that "get it". BUT, we all make choices and as you told me, we dont want to go back thinking "what was I thinking then?".
Al, I know you love your x. And I know you feel discouraged to go on "fighting" for your dream. Just keep in mind that people react to what they read and they dont want to hurt you, just trying to help, trying to give you another perspective...
Try to relax a bit, focus on your college work, flat etc etc. Let time do its work. There is no hurry as long as you are taking care of yourself and you are having fun... xxx K
Hey Rob - Thanks for the story! And you are right, it wouldnt be appropriate in my sitch to get an OM, I knew all along that wouldnt 'work'. Of course if I met one, sure, that would be great for me! But that hasnt happened so far. I have got spring break from Friday and I have to see him next week to sign the papers that just arrived! I'm not 'ready' to see him yet though, so I wont tell him they are here yet.
Naej - This is real life I guess, not the movies. I do prefer to be in an R! Life is more fun when you have a partner to share it with. So I go out, dress up, flirt, meet new people... wouldnt we all love to be 'swept off our feet', but thats a rarity and especially as you get older and eligible men are thinner on the ground.
Hey 25, I respect thats a lesson you are learning right now, but I feel the contrary, that time has been standing still. I cant move forwards until this huge part of my life (a third) has been resolved. I'm sorry, but I just cant. I've never been so 'stuck' before, its that damn Saturn on my Sun
Hey K.. thanks for that. It is hard to keep fighting when even a board where we are helping one another to ressurect an R seems to want me to give up! Remember last year when we all helped one another to see the positives and the 'baby steps'!? Well, we both gave up doing that long ago, but it seems to be working in reverse now! Personally, I think it was a sign he isnt done with me, that he took the trouble to post me a present in his depressed miserable state (something that he rarely managed for his BMF in Wales year after year and would berate himself for) and also, that he admitted he wished he was there on my BD and it was 'unfortunate' that he couldnt be. The fat lady hasnt sung yet, has she.
I just need to see him, I've been saying that for months now and its true. I know he's not done, but I am losing faith he will come back. I guess Rob summed it up pretty much.. "This is a completely difficult spot to be in, I'm sure. You know there are feelings there, but you also know he's not acting on them either."
I wanted to answer something which is the crux of why I'm stil here. Yes, as K said, I still love him, but theres something else I am struggling with, espeically after chatting to him for an hour and twenty!
Naej, you raised something that others perhaps think "you find it hard to let go off this rel. because you feel this might be your last chance-which btw is utter rubbish"
..actually, I've never once debated that with myself, I've never felt, or weighed up the prospect that this R is my last chance and thats why I hang on. Its not that at all. The problem I have is...(and I analysed this some months ago, typical me!).. of all the people I have ever met in my life, male, female, through school, at work.. my ex is my favourite person. If I had to choose one friend to be on a desert island with, I'd choose him.
He's funny, very funny, sweet, charming, kind, soft, never ever once raised his voice to me, considerate, deeply caring (he used to lay out his clothes in another room at night, so the rustling wouldnt wake me when he dressed in the morning, for example), he was ALWAYS right behind me, supportive of everything and anything I wanted to do (right up until this flat project, and then he, quite rightly snapped), he was proud of me, my biggest fan, my best friend, my rock and most importantly, he 'gets me' like noone else really. And from what he has said before and since we broke up, I was all these things to him too, strangely. I'm blessed with some great BFF's, but I still could be 100% honest with him more so than even BFF, because an R with a partner is that little bit more intimate isnt it, so there is a difference. On top of that, yes he's flawed and depressive, but I never tired of his company or complained about him, ever.
And I miss all that terribly. Guess its that soulmate feeling, for me anyway. Thats why I have hung on.
and its makes me cry just to remember all of that. Guess I need more time to get over him.
So why not get up your courage and tell HIM that? People like that don't come around often, sometimes you have to take the leap of faith. If the other person doesn't take that leap with you, not much you can do about that.
And don't be upset if he doesn't say it all right back to you (right now anyhow) because sometimes having the mirror put up to your face is hard to take even when it is good.
We all hide way more than we should. When you truly care about someone, you should say it even it is difficult or out of character. Maybe you are just assuming he know you feel all of this?
I believe in love Ali, as if you couldn't tell. Life is to short to let it pass you by.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Ali, you certainly have been soul searching and I do completetely know how you feel. Honestly I do. I felt the same about my x and we had a lifetime together for which I shall always be grateful.
I believe / hope I may find love again. It will not be the same but it can be as good if not better.
I also agree that you should tell him face to face all what you have written. Now that will take ever ounze of courage you posess and the biggie is are you prepared to do that and accept whatever it results in. I feel the time may never be right because of xyz. No time will be right if you only want one result. Right now you are far from ready for that imo!Yet how can I know that. You may have that courage and deeper reserves than we can possibly know just from reading your posts. Part of what prompted me to be so bold was as others have said just reading your posts.
You say you have never dated you just fall in love and end up in a relationship-I get from that rightly or wrongly you are impulsive and sensual (not purely sexual-I think there is a difference) Also you are not a youngster(apologies) your body clock must be ticking loud and clear if you hope to have a family. I think you have made reference to this at some stage. It takes time to build up most relationships, go through the preliminaries and then onto long term rel. /or marriage and then start a family. Maybe better to hang on to what you know and love/need, than to risk losing the hope and have to start back at day 0ne.
Ali,I get the impression your bf has always had depression in some form or other and you can live with that or you can make a difference to it. What you cannot live with is the fact he just left, no arguments you said, just gone. You have put together all the missing peices by putting dates together bits of info gleaned, comments secondhand from others and the astrological info. You need the reason straight from the horses mouth. How do you suppose this will come about.
One last thing is that all the things /qualities you ascribed to your x that you love are actually in a lot of people, you just haven't met them yet. The bottom line is how to you confront a person who is conflict avoidant and runs for the hills? You cannot make him profess his love for you or tell you what a huge mistake he has made,she means nothing to him etc YOU can tell him HONESTLY in plain english, all senteneces finished, i's crossed and t's dotted so as to leave him in no doubt how you feel.No thinking he knows this, he has heard it from friends etc, No wriggle room, no if onlys after the conversation but to do that you have to be prepared for whatever answer he gives whether you like it or not and no back up plans to explain away his answer with reasons why he said it but just a willingness to accept. Acceptance now that is hard. Sorry for the long post but I was moved by your answer and I don't want you to feel I have negative thoughts about your situation.
Al, there are people on this board whose spouses have remarried, had babies, moved in other countries/continents and are still hung on to the possibility of a change of heart. There are other's that keep going because they get a phone call every couple of months and an hour together every 3. That doesn't mean I think that is what they should do, in fact I think they shouldn't, but it's their choice and their choice only for whatever reasons. You are making a choice to stand for your relationship. Based on your feelings. That's ok. BUT, when your mind starts demanding to be heard, then you should probably listen...
I agree with naej and kat, and I've told you also, you need to have an honest discussion with him. You may never get an answer but you at least NEED to speak out what's in your heart. No one here is telling to just quit. EVERYONE tells you, to put ALI first. K
Hey girls, thanks.. I feel pretty low today. It always hits me a few days after I have contact with him. Its the not knowing, the charade, the pretence. I know. I know I should talk to him, but I cant face it. He didnt allow an honest conversation between us from the minute this started in June 2007 and he's been pretty powerful in silencing me since. He wont give me an inch. Its symbolic that he wont give me his address or phone number. He wont even be pinned down to a meeting (but he can email/phone/send me presents). Guess I am one of those who has had only one phonecall in a few months and a few hours of his time hey.
And no... I never thought he was capable of behaving like that. Thats hard to swallow too.
Putting me first for now involves desperately trying to finish this degree, which is a struggle.
And no, I dont understand dating, you're either into someone, or you arent! But I would give it a go, if I got asked out by someone I found attractive, but that hasnt happened! I think children is unlikely for me Naej, my Nan was 39 when she hit the menopause, so I'm not really making any plans in that department.
Perhaps I will try and see him and talk to him then.. I'm thinking next week. I'm out with Cher Friday night to celebrate finishing my dissertation, then I may go home for a long weekend.
Theres a New moon on the 26th linked to Venus, I think thats a good day to see him. Its a Thursday.
I've nearly written my dissertation !! I'm just tidying it now and little bits to add.. two days to go.. then its a vodka frenzy Friday night with Cher! Christ, I'm too old for all of this...
I just had a thought.. my ex is keeping me 'in reserve' - he's not done with me, but he's sticking with the woman he left me for, but its not going well.. still, a part of him must be mourning the loss of that dream. She must've seemed so alluring and exciting, standing out in that field back in June 2007, framed by a JCB digger, clutching a sample pot, lol. And yet, it hasnt quite manifested the way I am sure he imagined it. Its falling to sh*t if BMF is to be believed. So why doesnt he give up, let go? He is hanging onto a dream perhaps as much as I am.. is mine any more likely to come good than his is?
I just really really really need to see him ! Which means I REALLY need to get my haircut.
Oh Ali you crack me up with your "Thoughts" sometimes in a good way sometimes not, but remember what happened to Samson when he had his hair cut? that's all I am saying.
I say this all the time and I do truly believe it and that is..... sometimes there just are no answers. Good luck with the dissertation. Go easy on the vodka have some respect for your liver.
