Right before Thanksgiving my W dropped the bomb that she had a one time fling and she was pregnant. I forgave her and we decided to work on our relationship. I really took a look at myself and how I treated her. I was very controlling and needy. I was always checking up on her etc. She had an abortion in December. Things between us seemed to improve. Feb 6 I caught her in a lie and she came home drunk and told me that it wasn't a one time thing, that she was having an ongoing affair with her boss since October. She said she loved both of us and didn't know what to do, that she was confused. She left for the weekend to think about things. When she came home she was very warm to me and then turned very cold and said that the only reason she came home was for the kids, that we would basically co-exist. She was warm to me the rest of the week and told me that she was going to work on our relationship but she needed time. I asked what she was getting out of the affair and she said independence.
On Feb. 17th I caught her in another lie. She said she had to work late but she ended up being with the OM. She came home and blew up at me like it was my fault she lied to me. She said she was leaving grabbed some of her stuff and was gone. She stopped by the house a few days later and said that she wanted to be a mom but didn't want to be in a relationship. She gave me the ILYBINILWY. We talked for awhile and decided that our relationship had grown out of a great friendship so we were going to start with rebuilding the friendship. She agreed to go to MC. We went to one session together. C told my wife that she is running from her problems. Referred her for IC because the C says she needs help badly. My W holds onto everything that has ever hurt her. W starts her IC next week.
Right now she is staying at a friend's house but is adamant to get herself an apartment. She says she needs to be alone so she can sort things out.
Of course when I first found out I did the whole begging pleading thing. I have learned to back away and have started to detach emotionally from her.
This past weekend I made a slight mistake of making some R talk. I told her I didn't understand exactly what ILYBINILWY actually meant. She said she didn't know either. That she's hoping that the counseling will help clear her mind. She told me that she wants to try everything before saying our M is over.
Sorry this is so long. Please give feedback as to what direction I should go. Thanks
I have read DR. I've been doing some 180s and I have really worked on my PMA. I continue to be her friend and support her but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. It feels like the right thing to do but I second guess myself because I don't know if I am enabling her.
First things first... Need, down the time frame of Thanksgiving and what was said, man that brings back some memories. Wow almost the exact same thing. Except my good friend instead of a boss and I have 2 boys not 3 kids.
Well,
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Please give feedback as to what direction I should go.
No.
What do you want? Do you want the best chance to be married? Do you want to call it quits? I refuse to tell you what direction you should go, that is your decision, you'll have my advice regarding your choice.
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This past weekend I made a slight mistake of making some R talk.
If you don't want to be married, keep doing this.
If you want to be married STFU about R talks.
You caught her in lies...because you are snooping, looking at cell phones, reading emails, or cross examining her...or possibly because she is MLC bat sh it cazy she can remember crap and trips herself up. But more than likely because of your actions. Stop doing those things.
She will probably keep screwing her boss and unless you want to make them even closer as a couple by trying to split them apart, you need to back off. Believe me I know the pain of knowing your wife is f-cuking some other guy. Don't retaliate by sleeping with some other girl...this isn't tit for tat. Right now no tit for you. Sorry.
Don't put to much faith in the IC snapping his/her fingers and your wife waking up. MLC takes time to get through.
Work on yourself, what faults did you contribute to the failing marriage, kill those faults.
Know this: There is no quick fix. Deal with it, you aren't special, no matter what your parents told you, in this you are not the guy who gets through MLC in a few weeks or months.
DO NOT talk to your friends and family about her. If she comes back or wants to; everyone knowing what went on makes it harder for her to come back.
Enabling...Do right by you according to Divorce Remedy. Don't worry about enabling her...if you try and prevent her from anything, you are the bad guy.
Right now its going to feel like your a doormat, well from one former doormat to another...one day you'll realize that deciding to do this for your marriage is about control, and you have it, and always had it.
She is going to keep lying to you. So stoping asking questions. Your asking questions because you hope she is going to give you the answer you want to hear. Soooo she lies. OR she answers in a manner that you don't really want to hear. So stop asking thsoe questions.
Trapt, Jimbo new guy help him out.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You just got some great advice. Blunt and great. Come here to vent and ask questions. The best thing you can do right now is give her space and not get sucked into her craziness.
The more you push for answers the more answers you will get that you don't want to hear. Read and learn as much as you can here.
What I do mean is what advice do you have? I want these to decisions to be mine so I know whatever happens I did it MY way. I do want the best chance to stay married.
No snooping here. The lies I caught her in were before she left a month ago. I have made no mention of the A or the OM since she left. I know that if I dwell on it I will drive myself crazy so I have been able to shut it out.
Please get to know me first before you assume I'll f*ck another girl. I love my wife more than anything and I'm all in for the long haul.
No where did I say that I thought the IC would snap their fingers and she would come out of it. I was just giving that bit of info because she suffers from depression. It runs in her family. I've read through the archived threads and I know this is going to be a long time and know there are no guarantees and I also know this is going to be the hardest f*cking thing I'll ever do in my life.
I was controlling, needy, desperate
I now don't contact her unless it has something to do with the kids.
I brought up the enabling because that is what my C said I am doing and she said I should put her in crisis to force her hand and that is diametrically opposed to everything that I have read so I was looking for reassurance.
I'm going to use that on you when you need a 2x4. : )
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I brought up the enabling because that is what my C said I am doing and she said I should put her in crisis to force her hand and that is diametrically opposed to everything that I have read so I was looking for reassurance
Find out if your C is familiar with DB or DR. Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, if not...then yeah the C is going to say you are enabling. Already did in fact.
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I also know this is going to be the hardest f*cking thing I'll ever do in my life.
Let's hope so. There really are worse things, but right now this is the worst. knowing and doing, man we are here when things get really tough.
I deffinately think you have the anger to do this. Don't hit her with it. Vent here. Please don't include friends or family.
And seriously, your sitch sounds eerily familar.
Divorce Busting has a great site on Face Book, you should become a fan.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It sounds like you realize some of what is in store. Which is good, your right it will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. You could do everything right and it still may not work.
It is good that you see your faults as well. Instead of putting your focus on her craziness, put it on you and your kids. Work on you right now.
My wife and I also did the counseling thing, in my opinion it got worse after that. They generally will play by the same book but things will be different as people are different.
Good. Hit me with it when I need it. I need you to keep me on track.
The one thing I really need to start doing is stop asking any kind of questions. I know it gives me false hope but I keep doing it because I think maybe this one time she is actually going to tell me the truth.
