The flat sale is proceeding, but I am waiting to hear if the landlord wants to buy it instead, for more money. So I just said a funny thing to my solicitor "Shh.. secret squirrel!". I think she understood my instruction
Well Simon, he knew my BFFs FIL was dying, he got on well with her H, but they havent been in contact for 2 years+, plus after initially asking for news he hasnt bothered for ages. But.. yes, I will tell him.
Been doing lots of thinking, this has all been so confusing for me. He does keep contacting me, but he wont see me. His BMF tells me he misses me and apparently thinks about me all the time, when he's with her/talking to her, misses our homelife etc, but its not obvious by his actions is it? Yes he sent me a birthday present and said he 'kinda wished he could be there', but he wasnt, nor did he arrange another night out to see me. Is he just really moral? Does he really not want to see me at all whilst with her, whether its going to last or not? If I was so precious to him, he would find a way to see me, wouldn't he, s*d what she thinks. Is he still processing/undecided? What would he do if I stopped being nice to him?
Guess I am feeling angry. Oh dear! Mars went into Pisces at the weekend, we have to gaurd against anger and harsh words spoken in haste. I need to find some patience for the next 6 weeks.
..he doesnt want to buy it and then discovered I didnt get permission from them, or building regs, when I converted it from a 1 to a 2 bed flat and moved the bathroom.. SH*T!!! My solicitor said they will want to see planning permission and building regs.. so, oh no, I just..sort of.. built some new rooms and stuff.. oops!!!
I didnt think internal walls mattered! They might ask me to put it back how it was, then I'm b*ggered.
In other news... Cher emailed me about her weekend and having heard my ex called, said to me...
"Well its lovely that he phoned you. I think he did get that contract in Helens office so I doubt he has done anything about her but I believe he isn't seeing that much of her."
I suspected he got the contract as he admitted to being back on that big road project (the one he worked closely with her June 2007!) and did tell me how frustrating and boring and sick of it he is!
Must feel wierd for them.. back then, he was with me, they were obviously chatting and flirting all day and it was enough of a pull to leave a 9 year R. He told me he is back out in the same valley retesting, but now he is sharing an office and out with her again and - he got what he wanted, or what he thought he wanted.. her.. but 18 months on, he still misses me and is miserable! Thats surely got to make him think!?
Look into getting retrospective planning permission. As long as what you have done meets building regs, and the building isn't listed or anything, there is a fine chance you will be ok. It will be the bathroom that will be the sticking point I would have thought. Also it depends on any stipulations there may be in the deeds regarding alterations.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
That bathroom thing is a pain. You'll need to get a regularisation certificate from your local bui;ding regs department (see the council's website). I think the fee is about �140 and you have to fill out some forms and get the new bathroom inspected to make sure it complies (and if not they'll prescribe some work that needs doing before they can approve the change). A bigger hassle might be getting the freeholders permission for the conversion, but your solicitor should be able to deal with that. The good news is that I don't think bathroom moving requires planning permission (I moved a kitchen in a flat a few years ago and that was just building regs, not planning permission).
Hope your day's going OK otherwise. Try not to overthink the situation- there are no answers!!
Hey guys, thanks for your help!!! I am panicking a bit now! Nice to see you Lisa
The bathroom is in the same place, but I changed the layout and rejigged the internal walls and took some out. One was in a stairwell and I had a feeling it wouldnt pass fire regs, as you cant have 2 flights of stairs to a top floor without a doorway (which I removed as it is a beautiful sweeping staircase in a period building!). I did the walls to regulation, but I didnt get it checked. I winged it basically, and the universe is trying to teach me a lesson! I have managed to pull off all kinds of things over the years, with property, but my luck had to run out one day. I think its about to!!
So I may need building regs, but I will need the freeholders persmission, which I didnt get! They are now aware this morning. My solicitor said, wait and see what theit solicitor asks for and we'll take it from there.
I'm feeling better about my ex this morning.. I KNOW now he is utterly miserable and stuck in a dusty office with her, on a project he is sick of, in a job he hates, with a gf he wants to get away from and an ex he misses (cos I am lovely!) and that that is the situation for the next 6 weeks at least, so.. I just need to get on with my course and get through the next 6 weeks (I said I had to be patient for 6 weeks, maybe 8, I doubt he will dump her immediately).
Been doing lots of thinking, this has all been so confusing for me. He does keep contacting me, but he wont see me. His BMF tells me he misses me and apparently thinks about me all the time, when he's with her/talking to her, misses our homelife etc, but its not obvious by his actions is it? Yes he sent me a birthday present and said he 'kinda wished he could be there', but he wasnt, nor did he arrange another night out to see me. Is he just really moral? Does he really not want to see me at all whilst with her, whether its going to last or not? If I was so precious to him, he would find a way to see me, wouldn't he, s*d what she thinks. Is he still processing/undecided? What would he do if I stopped being nice to him?
Well, just a few questions. What would it take for you to move on and stop spending all this energy on wondering why he does what he does? Is it realistic to think he'll come out and Declare to you that he will never want to live with you again? If that is not realistic (and I don't think he is the "declaratory" type) then what is it, that is enough for you?
You said you wanted to be friends with him but when he does things friends do, like getting a thoughtful gift, it causes you pain and confusion. I understand that. I really do. But you are putting yourself in a bind b/c it's not really true that you want to be friends with him, except as a basis for more... I know you've made personal 180's. But you still spend so much internal time on him...wondering and analyzing. Do you have a timeline in your heart about how long you'll do this until you stop?
Just some thoughts. Sorry about the flat situation. I hate the whole permit thing b/c when it comes to "safety issues" sure that's one thing, but some of it I swear is just governmental agencies trying to justify their jobs and fees...good luck on that. (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do want to be friends with him.. IN TIME.. if we are not going to reconcile, but not yet hey! I'm clearly not over this guy. Yes I miss him, but the emotion needs to die down for us to be friends.
No timeline, I set them twice and they came and went. I dont have any answers I am afraid, its just acceptance, that this seems to have been a very wierd and painful time in my life, which has taken its toll on me. I hear the frustration in some of you and others posts, like.. why dont I get it, why dont I move on ?! Well, I havent and I'm no more likely to, having read your words, than 3 C's and 16 months apart has made me! The presents ARE confusing, of course they are, bittersweet.
I'm no different to lots of people here, but what he did was so devastating, we had a happy life together and he dumped me on a sixpence with no explanation. We didnt even have a single row.
I think I am stuck in one of the stages of grief and I need resolution.. thats what I was posting before, I cant try and get that until I finish my college work. That just has to take precedence.
I need to cycle through it here, its part of my grieving process. One day, I will wake up and I wont need to anymore. I guess this is an online journal for me, but I realise its a public forum too.
I wonder if I should just stop posting for a while though.
This is a completely difficult spot to be in, I'm sure. You know there are feelings there, but you also know he's not acting on them either.
I agree w/an earlier poster who said xBF is able to work this his way w/little risk on his part. As long as there is no risk for him, there is no reason for him to make a decisive move.
Here is a story may make some sense to you about my father: My father and my step-mother dated for over 20 years (yes, the man had two former marriages and I guess he was hesitant to jump into a 3rd). Anyway, my step-mother met someone, out of the blue, and they began to have feelings for each other. She was considering leaving my father b/c he wasn't open emotionally to her, even after 20+ years.
So, once my father learned there was another suitor, he had to make a decision - let down his guard or lose the woman he loved. She's my step-mother now, so you can guess how this turned out. The point is, until my father had a risk involved, he didn't have to do anything. I think your xBF is the same way.
Does that mean you should find a man to make him jealous and force him to act? No, b/c that wouldn't be like you and would be dishonest. However, if one comes along, you know, out of the blue, I do hope you won't shy away from it.
You also said: "Been doing lots of thinking..." and that's what worries me, Love. No, seriously, you are in a place where I wasn't fortunate enough to be in. I'm not sure what to tell you to do, but the more you can find the way to move forward emotionally, the better you'll be.
As for posting, I think this forum is great as a journaling source. However, it is public, so you will have your "thoughts" read and analyzed a bit. As long as you keep in mind that we're all looking out for each other, this is fine. However, if you get to the point where you are tired of "advice" then taking a break is completely understandable.
Finally, you said:
Quote:
I think I am stuck in one of the stages of grief and I need resolution.. thats what I was posting before, I cant try and get that until I finish my college work. That just has to take precedence.
Kind of like Dante's Hell, eh?
I agree w/you that you very well may be stuck and resolution is exactly what you need. The question is, how do you get resolution and when? If you need to finish your school work, is it possible to put your resolution needs "out of mind" as best as possible until that is done?
If not, then you may want to look at getting your resolution finished regardless of where you are w/your school. Subconsciously, you may be using school as a crutch to avoid the resolution b/c the answer may not be what you (and all of us here) are hoping to hear.
Do you have a Spring Break coming up? That may be an opportunity to "finalize things" a bit.
Again, just my observations, so take them for what they are worth (or throw them out if they are worthless).
Still in your corner and not planning on vacating any time soon, Princess.
This may be way off so ignore it if you think I,ve had too many glasses of wine BUT I think you maybe need a man who has the potential to sweep you off your feet (not xbf someone new) and dependant on how you feel about it you will view how and why xbf behaves in a completely different light.
I know you are self sufficient but I think you are a person who thrives in a relationship (as many of us do) and you find it hard to let go off this rel. because you feel this might be your last chance-which btw is utter rubbish b/c you are obviously a funny and passionate lady but then are feelings and thoughts are often removed from reality. Anyway thats what I am thinking ok shoot me down now.
No, seriously, you are in a place where I wasn't fortunate enough to be in. I'm not sure what to tell you to do, but the more you can find the way to move forward emotionally, the better you'll be.