You know your ex, ( obviously), and none of us do.
I just want to throw a few ideas out there.
Is there a possibility that he 'acts' lower than he actually is when he either talks to you, or those who he knows will talk to you about him, because he doesn't want you to think he is having a grand time of things whilst he knows he has left you hurting and pining for him?
If the answer to that is NO, which I suspect you will say it is, then wouldn't a 180, (because let's face it things aren't really working for you at the moment - you have been stuck in this limbo for ages), be to actually either phone him or email him and be absolutely straight. Tell him, straight to him rather than letting him know through the grapevine, that you miss him and want him back. Ask him if that is a realistic hope to hold. Maybe he asked you in that serious tone how you were because he wanted you to tell him how much you miss him and want him back. You could both be pussy footing around one another and each waiting for the other to make the first move.
As I read it from your posts, you are gradually extracating yourselves from one another. You are selling this flat. I know you still have the house but each joint asset you dispose of is another link broken. Before too many links are broken why not try having a straight talk with him. It really does seem like it would be a 180 from all the things you post.
It could be just the catalyst you need to get your R with him back on track.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
No, he's had depression all his life. His Mum had it for 10 years until he was 8 and his Dad then had it for 20+ years. He has been 'melancholy' as we used to call it, all his adult life. Only I really knew the true extent of that depression, but its got worse since summer 07, but he has finally been more open about it to friends since. He's not having a grand time at all! He's utterly miserable, his friends tell me he is 'deeply unhappy' that he is 'screwed up'. Its genuine, you can see it in his (dead, tormented) eyes. I know whats really bothering him and I feel huge compassion for him because of it, but what can I do? I am the ONLY one who knows and I cant even post here about it. He shut down really after I found out, he has deep shame and self-loathing. Its really sad, but as my C said, what could you do? you were his gf, not his therapist.
It makes him sound a PITA, but he isnt, he's funny and sweet and besides, adept at 'mask wearing'. He cant wear the mask to me though, which is why I think if he saw me, he would just cry.
We own other houses jointly and theres never been any mention of selling. The flat was always 'my' project, the mortgage was only in his name becuase I was a student, he's had no involvement.
Your idea is a good one and my RL peeps agree..but I could only try it if I saw him in person. I cant do it by email, or phone. He did sound very depressed yesterday, but I did wonder if he was trying to see where I was at, by asking if I was alright. I feel fairly certain though that he must know I want him back and would want to try again? I'm sure his BMF told him, so I dont think its unknown to him! And he knows I am still single and live 1/2 hour away and could come see me anytime. Seems he wont though, because of her.
I cant imagine being 'extricated' yet, as we still get on so well and there is no closure between us. We've been the best of friends since we met in Jan 1996 and I cant imagine him not being in my life! I wonder if he feels the same? But I dont know what I can realistically do, as he is still with her, its like there is a massive wall between us (not from me) and I dont know what I can do unless he leaves her.. I dont know how to fight for him! The last twice I saw him I told him I missed him and he told me he missed me too, so we've covered that one! My feeling is he KNOWS I want him back, but would it be worth just coming out and saying that?
Your idea is a good one and my RL peeps agree..but I could only try it if I saw him in person. I cant do it by email, or phone. He did sound very depressed yesterday, but I did wonder if he was trying to see where I was at, by asking if I was alright. I feel fairly certain though that he must know I want him back and would want to try again? I'm sure his BMF told him, so I dont think its unknown to him! And he knows I am still single and live 1/2 hour away and could come see me anytime. Seems he wont though, because of her.
Let me toss this out there- you feel confident that his BMF told him that you are still wanting to try again...he might even feel confident that that same person told you that he is unhappy in his current R. So, perhaps, before he goes and meets with you, he was looking for information straight from the horses mouth instead of the gossip that's been going around.
He may "know" but it's coming back to him thru the rumor mill. He doesn't sound strong enough to take the risk to make the first move.
I am not sure why you can't do this by phone. You say he knows you want him back. So, he took the "risk" and asked if you were alright, and then you didn't answer back (fully) honestly. He might be confused now because your answer didn't match up to the information he had.
In fact, you might have said "You know, I would really like to meet with you. How about tea today at 2pm?" Or whatever. Neither one of you seems to be honestly talking about the elephant in the living room, except via the BMF.
My two cents.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Quick Astrological Hijack-- I saw that on GG thread you said that Venus was in retrograde and asked her if something big happened in 2001.
In my sitch, my H and I went on a family vacation in July 01 that was beyond horrible and it was then that he decided he would leave once our Daughter graduated. Currently, in counseling, he is revisiting a LOT of the past and it is actually causing a LOT of disconnect between us. And finally, I believe April 17th is when he has a court date for a drunk driving arrest.
Do you see a correlation even though it was mid-01 that the 'something big' happened? Should I be happy or depressed right now? lol
End Hijack
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
what saff said...you have to do something different whether it's true detachment or really opening up. Get moving so you are not stuck anymore. And don't let him determine whether you can move on or stay stuck. Only you can do that anyhow.
Guess I'm wondering about his depression too... I mean, how are you doing? forget his needs for a bit, and deal with your own. It's an interesting dynamic wherein you assume some sort of role that appoints you as his happiness barometer, but he is living with OW...it is what it is... Not a 2 x 4, but a GAL pat. And your dissertation work is interesting and exactly where some of your energy must be. Just mho.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ali - there's lot of people sharing views and giving some great advice advice here...just thought I'd pop in with my 2 pence...
Ali you've done a magnificent job with carving out "you" in the face of the challenges you've faced over the last couple of years...
And you've made some great changes which are now part of "you" and not changes you'll give up... they now help define who you are...
At the same time, its clear how much effort and thinking time you put into rekindling your R with your ex - I reckon we all do actually but you're brave enough to put it up here for us all to read.
Its a paradox really - the DB doctrine is to adopt 180s / GAL and see what happens - but that is contrary to the tendency to keep posting here...you seem to have managed to deal with that...
I reckon though - that you are perplexed about some of the input you get...Ali - I think you are unique - in your preparedness to "put it all out there" - you're brave enough to say / share things many of us probably experience / think but censor before it gets here! Most folks probably push their thoughts and feelings through a filter before putting them down here...but what you're doing is exactly what the rest of us wish we could!
And so - in light of this free flow of thought - i think you should be very pleased with your life right now - I hope you don't feel discouraged - in terms of continuing to share how things are going - you're a model to us all! IMO
Hey Trixi.. well, the announcement in July 01 may well have come off the back of whatever he was ruminating on April ish time. If that was the roots of your troubles, then now is a revisitation of that and is certainly linked to events of 8 years ago, for you both. Sometimes we have to go back over things in order to go forwards, so have faith that this is whats meant to be happening (should take my own advice, lol!)
As for my phonecall..I dont know, maybe he was just asking, are you alright then? But I agree, noone has mentioned the big white elephant in the room for over a year!! Its ridiculous we've never had single conversation about our breakup. I tried to suggest meeting up, but he talked over me at that moment, so either he didnt hear me, or he did that on purpose. He knows he has to see me to sign stuff in the next 2 weeks, so I am counting on seeing him.
Hey Julia..yes, there was a conversation where I said I felt stupid, you must think I am an idiot.. he said "why !?" and I said "because of how I feel" (I feel, not feel about you, but he got my meaning).
Hey 25... He's not living with her! And I'm not his happiness barometer? I havent asked him about his depression/AD's/C since last July. I only mention it here because I am reporting.. and Saffie asked!
Which takes me to Simons point.. thanks Simon.. I have finally twigged that I am perhaps a bit unusual. I am an open book, I tell it how it is, no filter and post ALL the details, here. In RL, not so much (especially not to Cher!) but I do still have people in my life (my BFF and my Mum really) who ask me every day, how are you, how are things, have you heard from him today... even my Dad, bless him! 16 months on and my ex is as alive in their minds as he is in mine. I guess we all loved him. My Dad misses his SIL.
Well..thankyou Trixi, Kat, Julia, SWM, Naej, 25, Saffie, GFI, anyone else? I am trying to decide what I can 'do', having read all your input, as Simon says, to break this impasse. I guess I need to be brave and be honest with my ex, as he isnt going to be. Kalni suggested I write a letter, which is one option, but I still find that prospect a bit scary (for me, it would be a goodbye letter and I guess I'm not ready yet). Plus I wanted all along, to just talk to him and not write to him, if possible.
I dont think I can be honest, or confriot him yet though.. I havent got time for the fallout emotionally, as I need to finish my degree, I have SO much work to do, but it ends on 26th May..which feels a long way off, but isnt really. So maybe I need to stay patient? At least until late April and I am into the home stretch.
In the meantime.. I might try be a little more open and honest with him on the email, so far our converesation is pretty narrow and safe, neither of us ever mention the weekends, for example. He did say he has to go home soon, to do jobs on his house.. I said, I need to go back too, but he didnt 'bite' sadly. I need to tell him tommorow maybe, that our friends dad died, so maybe I will do that as an experiment in more 'real' and honest communication (by email !)
