"Why tell his BMF that he wished he could be there, but not want me to know that" - would you be able to put yourself in his shoes to have a stab at figuring this out?
If he had told you this...what could / would the consequences have been?
I understand the resentfulness - its very hard to keep the flag waving for a R the other person doesn't seem to want...there's no easy answer to this.
Yes GFI, I feel an idiot for wanting an R with him..but why send your ex a thoughtful present and card in the post (especially when you are NOT the kind of guy to manage doing stuff like that for your own family/best friends, or if you did, its a big effort) when you are seeing someone else...wouldnt he realise that would mess with my head ???
It was sad to read his words, truth of sort that he has chosen to not share with me for the past year+. He said:
"bet you'll have a good time tonight, kinda wish i was there (between you and me..)"
Then when he was invited along, he replied:
"can't mate - wouldn't be right (unfortunately!)."
...so thats huge!! He left me! He has a gf! But.. he wishes he was with me that night??? (and he doesnt mean, just as a friend right) but why.. 'kinda' ?...why that caveat? and if kinda, then why ..unfortunately???
and why wouldnt it be right?? Is she that important then? Clearly.
So.. why make the effort to send his ex of 15+ months a present and card and text her ON HER BD at 9.20 pm, whilst I am in the restaurant, but.. doenst reply to my email from Monday, or answer or return my call. This is all driving me mad, I cant take much more, its too hard. I need closure from him. Or a chat with K!
Ali - I can see how frustrating / maddening it must be but you're driving yourself nuts with this!!!
Perhaps its a sign that the tide might be about to change but the thing about tides is that you have no control over them and you def don't have a tide timetable!!!
You've done such a great job carving a life out for yourself...have you the will to carry on with that and sit tight???
You're no idiot from wanting a R with a person you care for deeply and love - the problem comes when thats not being reciprocated - but that does not make you an idiot.
To what extent do you feel that you would be able to "manage" a straightforward friendship with him? What if he came back into your life now and said ok - lets be friends but nothing more?
Best - GFI
Your course comes to an end soonish? What if things are the same then?
Ali - you'll never be able to think yourself into his head! Most successes here come...well you know...come from getting on with life, becoming a rejuvenated person, embracing change and living it etc etc etc
Hey Mish.. sorry! Its going to be a 2 day course, maybe by April, but they still havent published the dates yet! Its something I really want to do though, if I can. Chers going to come with me.
Hey GFI - I'm not so sure anymore ..."Perhaps its a sign that the tide might be about to change"... and this is EXACTLY why I feel like I am going nuts (see Kalnis thread for the Uranian explanation):
I thought the tide was changing a year ago, lat Fenruary when he kept coming over to see me and his BMF W back home told me he had drove home in tears to tell BMF he had made a mistake in leaving me. I thought it was turning when he called me every night and took me out for dinner every week and cried and told me he was sorry and depressed. I thought it was turning when we stayed overnight with me and wrapped his arms and legs around me and introduced me to friends and spent the weekend with me. Then he started dating her and stopped all contact dead with me. I thought it was turning again when he invited me for that drink in Novemeber and cried and said he didnt know what he was doing but that he missed me and it wasnt going well with her. I thought it was turning when he phoned me for an hour and twenty and sent me a christmas present. I thought things were turning in February, when I heard all those things he said, that he doesn tknow why he left, thought he had an MLC, she doesnt get him like I do, he missed me and what we had and our homelife. I thought it was turning when he was very low recently and said he was going to end it with her and then was emailing me so much more frequently and finally asking questions, showing an interest.
Nothing... never materialised. So now he sends me a present. But I called him last night, no reply, no text, no email today. I'm not seeing tides turning, I'm seeing a stagnant lake.
I could manage a friendship with him if he would allow us to have a conversation about what happened, release me from limbo, but I cant see that happening. Unless I tell him to leave me alone, which is an option.
For anyone reading this tempted to bash me/2x4 me... please dont. I just wanted to vent. But if anyones got a view to help calm me down, shoot away! Its done my head in this week that he would send me such a lovely present when really, like the counsellor I just spoke to said, all you really wanted, what would have meant more to you, was if he had just picked up the phone and asked how are you? And then for him to not even email me, it IS driving me crazy. Its so confusing.
Ali - IMO - its time to fill your weekend with stuff to the gills - no matter what it is and go and do your best to take your mind off "it"!!! You need to treat yourself to a break from this and decompress!!!
Hey GFI... I have my college work to do and I'm not even doing that !!! Cher has booked me for a night out of drinking and carousing and wants to find me a 'hottie'. I cant though, I thikn I should write my dissertation and I'm not up for finding a man. I dont seem to be getting any attention in that department anyway!
I think, on reflection (thanks K) that it is a GOOD thing that he sent me a present and one he had put thought into and as hard as my week has been since getting it from him.. it would have been harder had he NOT acknowledged my birthday, or just sent an email.
Its kind of wierd he never contacted me after my phonecall. He's never done that before. The estate agent rang today.. its all steam ahead with the flat sale, they are super keen and sounds like they may not be getting a survey. Yay! Fingers crossed. Else they will discover they are buying a steamy heapy. The contracts are going out next week, so maybe I will try and get ex to meet me the week after. And have a chat with him...
Well, I've been writing my dissertation today, about ancient man observing the skies, temples, stone circles, Stonehenge, the advent of astrology, the loss of importance of these traditions to modern society.. how artists such as Olaf Eliasson and James Turrell ask us to stop and ponder these phemomena in a gallery setting. Hows that sound!? Its making me feel better about myself to apply myself intellectually.
I'm also considering doing a teaching certificate after this degree, so I can qualify to help disabled students with their study skills and its incredibly well paid per hour, meaning I wont have to work full time! I havent done since 2003 and I feel pretty chuffed about that and no intentions of going back to full time 9-5!!
Feel really sad today that my ex left me. We could have had such a lovely life together and lots of fun.
