Partner left after 9 yrs - Wants to finish with ow

[GFI2]

Well done you!!!

And.. its good to be "out!"

S

[25yearsmlc]

Ali - Soz - to jump in onto your thread with this -

25years - " what the heck is GFI? gf is girl friend, or good friend and "I" is...intelligent?? intuitive?? Inventive...insane...??? Just asking..."

25 -

Hey 25...to clarify (again!) I think your posts are great, so insightful and very very helpful - I wasn't intending saying anything other than that! Was simply trying to bring a more light-hearted slant into things - which of course - can go wrong...

So... friends?

And so 25 ...do you have a thread?

Best - really!!! GFI - aka GOING FOR IT - aka in reality - Simon - there - I've said it!

PS - thanks Ali - sorry to take up this space...

GFi, I was not referring to your name or username. Just saw it in her posts and wondered what it meant. If she was referring to you, then that's that. I had no meaning other than wanting to know if it was another acronym I'm ignorant of.

Ali, I feel a bit of defensiveness from you and I'm not sure why.

To put it bluntly I think your fears of what I might be implying are well founded so I'll just put it out there okay? I do think you are waiting around. In the back of your mind, I feel as if you are not making actual plans for your life without him factoring in heavily. Of course I could be wrong. That's just what I'm getting from the tone of your posts in this one place in your life. But that is what I'm getting... A lot of waiting and seeing...and I'm wondering why? Why wait on him at all??

He is with another woman. Dating her, living or not living with her - we only know he is no longer living with you...and has not asked to either. He has dropped hints about you that cost and risk him NOTHING...

If that is enough for you, then I just want to say I think you deserve better. A lot better. And I'm sorry that you think he won't make an effort if he thinks it would take too much to get you back...But if he isn't the jealous type, why would another man make him run away so much - and isnt' that just a TAD hypocritical? Yes, I restate my position...you deserve better.

And fwiw about why some people say you are not GAL (which is not what I said), I think statements that say you should "just wait and see" lead some of us to wonder about your GAL statements --- as do the very frequent contacts...other than the house sale, what else is there to talk about? (I don't recall if the house is the matter at issue or something else...but assuming there are no other financial connections and no children, what is the goal here? That your friendship will grow again and bloom back into what it once was? I'm sincerely asking).

If you think this approach is working...somehow --AND is enough for you then do as you wish. But yeah, for the last time, I think you deserve better.... (and I'm so sorry your mother burdened you with her projections of marital misery, but GLAD that you gave that baggage back to her, or threw it away...)

((( j )))

[mishka422]

((((Ali)))))))

So, when does the sea kayaking begin? That is something I always wanted to try when I lived in California, but never did. Now I'm land locked - closest ocean is 4 hours away now so not really feasable.

[AliSuddenly]

Well I called him.. only second time in 7 months. It went to answer machine after a few rings.

I thanked him for the present, said it did turn up on time (he knew that already! he had asked me by text).. said I hoped he was ok, that there was some stuff to sort out with the flat, so maybe give me a ring back sometime, said I hoped he was ok again and bye. Not really feeling good now about having to leave a message and I really should have rehearsed what I was going to say first! Too late now.

Well, I tried, maybe he rejected the call. He did 'reach out' by sending me a present and card and text. I noticed today that he sent his text at 9.15 on my birthday - I thought it had arrived right in the middle of my meal/evening. Like he was 'there', but then he did say to BMF that he 'kinda wish I was there'.

As for the above J, I guess its personal choice, to wait, as GFI and others still are. Wait and still have hope, whilst moving forward with college, hobbies, nights out, etc. I dont have a plan for my future yet, I'm at a crossroads, seeing as I gave up an 11 year path in IT to go back to college to do art and I moved away to do that..I have few friends here and there arent many career options so now I dont know where my life will go next, but it isnt dependant on him, no. I'm not selling our house, its a flat we renovated. Our house is rented out (he's never mentioned it). My goal was to get a 2nd chance at a life with him, failing that, I would like a friendship ultimately, but I dont know how we are going to get that if he wont speak to me.

[25yearsmlc]

there's a difference between GAL for you, and moving on without any hope of restoring your m. I mean, it's like saying that "waiting" is the same thing as Not giving up.

There's a huge difference. I GAL and did not give up. You can do both and in mho, you must. That is not only best for you, no matter what happens with your x, but also ironically the most likely way of getting the R restored.

Hope this clarifies for you what I"m suggesting. Moving forward does not mean you shut the door and lock it and never ever think of him again....it means preparing for a life on your own, making yourself the most attractive "Woman only a fool would leave" type, and shutting the door so you don't keep looking over your shoulder while knowing it is NOT locked...if he knocks, maybe you will answer and mayby you'll like what you see then. But could you get back with him now, as he is now, with nothing different in either of you?

The answer to that will tell you a lot. How is your own counselling going?
Is it helping? Sounds as if you are not in the right geographic area for a long term success story (professionally). Hope that works out too.

(( j ))

[One Day]

((((Al))))

Well done on biting the bullet and calling. I know you've been thinking about that for ages so it's really good that you did it. A couple of things you said about making the call stood out for me.....

Not really feeling good now about having to leave a message and I really should have rehearsed what I was going to say first!

I'm just wondering about this because it gives me the impression that you feel rehearsing the message could have made it better? From a DB perspective I think the important thing is to have called. The content of the message (as long as it's not pressure etc etc, which it wasn't) is less important.

Well, I tried, maybe he rejected the call.

The key word is MAYBE. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Maybe he was driving and couldn't answer. No assumptions!!

I would like a friendship ultimately, but I dont know how we are going to get that if he wont speak to me.

Doesn't he e-mail you every day (or close to that?). If so, that to me means he doesn't object to speaking to you. He just wasn't available to take your call. It happens! When I was wanting to build my friendship with H I made a point of telling him that I wanted to be friends. I think it helped take a lot of the pressure off him. Just a thought- I can't remember if you've said that to BF at any point?

L. xx

[AliSuddenly]

Hey 25! Thanks for your help, but maybe there comes a point when you can 'do no more'??... like OneDay here, wow, she was the DB/GAL queen...but they are still moving to D (sorry Lis!).

You're right, the GAL is for me, but we can leave the door open, but I got all that, ticked that box, he noticed, told his friend I am the girl he fell in love with again, blah blah.. I think he is battling his own issues, I cant 'make' him take the risk to leave ow and come back. He is avoidant, his dad died, he is depressed, he has issues that I havent posted the nature of here, that are MASSIVE and only I know about, I am sure THATS what keeps him away, as he is not acceptable to himself, so how can he think I accept him?

As for 'nothing different'..I am totally different! Well, I am still 'me', but I was pretty neurotic and fearful and got ill alot for some years of our R and all that stopped overnight with the shock of him leaving me. He has commented to two separate friends he cant believe how much better I am, how different. As for him, I'm not sure that he has changed !! But, we still get on as well as we always did, I dont sense any distance, or unfamiliarity between us. I have had 14 months of weekly C (including 2 C's and one pyschotherapist!) but I have my last session next week. I thikn I've done my 'time' on the couch

[Kalni]

Time on the couch can never be enough Al!!!

Al, he may get it soon, it may take him a year... What are you going to do?

Trust your self, have some faith and try to stop agonizing every day about what he thinks or feels... We talk alot and you know what I think about your sitch, but you also know that I believe you never managed to detach. And "our little break", made me realise we are back to analyzing details abit more than we should. NOT healthy. Maybe it is time to really really detach? (now, dont you dare get defensive with me cause I'll fly to Corwall with my 4x4s to knock some sense in your pretty little head...)
xxxx
K

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Lisa! Thanks for popping by and saying well done for calling. I was brave hey! The message wasnt too bad no.. but my BFF FIL had just died and we were both upset, then I called him. So, not the best timing!

We did email a couple of times a day, either every other days or sometimes a gap of 3 days, but its slowed down.. but then I found out he is sharing an office with her now at her company !! As for the friends thing, following Jodys advice, I sent him an email saying I accept he's in a new R, but that I hoped we could still be friends and talk now as I missed talking to him. He replied in kind. That was 5 months ago and here we are.

Hey M! I am losing faith. I felt a little bit angry.. so he can email me and go to the extent of sending me a thoughtful present (not 1, but 4) and get it in the post IN TIME for my birthday (whch is more than my friends and family managed this year!) but yet, he wont tell me where he lives, or his phone number, or see me, or take or return my call. WHY!? He has shoved me out of his life so much.. and yet his was the best present I received this year, just what I wanted, without asking! As in previous years.

Does everyone get that? Remember the Ipod and bracelet M? Well, he sent me something he REALLY thought about.. if I had bought myself a birthday present, I would have plumped for that book and the Richard Ashcroft album. Noone else in my life knows I like those things and I havent talked to him about it for 18 months. Thats a good memory !! (he normally forgets within weeks when people hint they like something).

[AliSuddenly]

So I know you are right M (no 4x4's or Range Rovers necessary, lol!)

We've talked before, you and I and Lisa too, about detachment, I've read about it and I have heard the phrase "lovingly detach" as opposed to just be detached, as though you no longer care. So I get the difference.. but I still dont get what detaching feels like! To me, if I detach anymore now, I just wont love him anymore. So how do I do it? I dont know why I have such a mental block over this. I talked to the C about it.

Clearly I am going to have to wait for something from him, as I was amazed BMF told me "he's knows he's going to have to see you anyway, to sort stuff out for the flat and sign stuff" - as he hadnt let me think that!

I looked again at the sentences he sent his BMF (which IS bad that Cher sent it to me!).. its upsetting to read his words, words of truth (almost) and clearly, he didnt want ME to know, hence the 'between you and me' statement. But why not? Whats he so afraid of? Why tell his BMF that he wished he could be there, but not want me to know that? Doesnt he feel sending me the thougthful presnt is a clue to his feelings !?

So how do I detach from his wierdness? Becuase his behaviour IS odd and I'm beginning to get resentful.