And to be clear - I meant that in the kindest, most light-hearted way possible!!! with best of intentions and knowing that all posts are posted with the same intent...
okay! no prob. But, what the heck is GFI? gf is girl friend, or good friend and "I" is...intelligent?? intuitive?? Inventive...insane...??? Just asking...
but am glad some progress came out of the alien at least. Don't know where it'll land him, but he's not just orbiting planet Helen anymore...
So that's good news.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey guys! THanks for your thoughts, yes I was wanting some feedback. GFI - dont worry, you werent over stepping anything, J neither. But yes, we do have sensitive English ears hey!
So to clarify 25.. I'm absolutely NOT galing in any way to get him back. He's been gone a long time, I'm actually not galing at all, I'm more back to my old self before that curtain of grief enveloped me after he left. I've always done loads of extra curricular stuff and hobbies and followed dreams. I stopped for a few years as I got ill alot.. that affected our R and he got his head turned by a woman at work (and for his own complex reasons/depression).. and now, GFI is right, none of this is about him. Its been useful though, as I have stuff to chat to him about/amuse him with on email and of course he has noticed and is impressed! DBing stresses GAL for self-esteem, but also, people do get complacent in R's hey and let go of their dreams/own interests in M, with kids too.. but I kind of wasnt int that sitch. If anything, I always GALd too much in the past!
You said "I think he needs to know the risk of losing you and seeing the great catch that you are by you GAL and being upbeat, a woman only a fool would leave...just mho." ..well the second bit, I have achieved already. He told his friend in Janmuary that I had "turned back into the girl he always wanted me to be again" - so, goal achieved there, not intentional, just by virtue of being myself again, as above! But you are right, its the first bit I'm confued about..! he is still pouring energy into an R going nowhere with Helen, at the expense of losing me, I dont get why he is bothering!!! You may not have read all my ramblings, but he has told me its not working with her, he told BMF its not right with her and he intends to break up with her. But..he now has to share an office with her for 6 weeks! So I dont blame him for not dumping her yet.
Also, he doesnt live with Helen, he actually moved out further away to a village up the coast, just as she moved into his village after christmas!!! He told BMF he doesnt see her very much, on Thursday she joined them in th pub, but went home afterwards and not back to his place. BUT, he is still in an R with her, yes.
The text was significant..he hasnt texted me for months, since he has been with her, but he did...on my BD, half way through my evening, out in a restaurant with his BMF and my BFF??? And we all knew he knew that and was invited.. my mum said its like he was with you, in mind, wishing he was there.
So no, I didnt even email him to say thanks! He texted me late on, asking if I got the present.. so I waited till the end of th night and sent a thankyou jokey text, made no reference to his footy convo and didnt even sign my name. And if he emails me this week, I am considering NOT replying, to be less available and create mystery as you said, I already wanted to do this, then my bd and this flat business got in the way.
Unfortunately, Cher is MY BFF here, and we are very close and it would be hard and very sad for me if I saw other firends.. and down in Cornwall, I dont have many other friends to see! No good friends.
Lastly, no I DONT want him to think I am waiting and available!! That was BMF fault, he told him in January.. I said to him, what did you tell him that for !!? BMF said, becuase he asked me and really wanted to know, so I told him! So, they are helping alot and good things get back to my ex, but its also perhaps not helping!
I think he is depressed, low, tired, avoidant, weak.. and he cant 'face' dumping her whilst they work together. G told me that they are not allowed to date, conflict of interest, so noone at work is allowed to know! G said he is not alright, not happy at all, but yes, will he have the courage to come back to me and will I still be waiting?
well since I am a veteran (Gulf War, and I am, seriously--) it's time we do some "recon" (reconnaissance) and "psy ops", (psychological operations). IOW, we KNOW bff and bmf are prone to talking....
SO we use the fact that they "talk" leak info, to your advantage....and you keep on GAL, BUT have some mystery to it, and hope to God that they pass it on...
Clearly he wants to know you are waiting (yes we do know that, don't we?) but the question is, now that he knows, and didn't break up with her, that's not so great is it? Maybe If he thought he was losing you he might have "coped" with the "inconvenience" of being around helen even though it'd be uncomfortable--so what!! He's uncomfortable...really? Were YOU comfortable when they went off together? Gee, breaking up with OW can be awkward...how tragic for him. Let's make it as easy on HIM as possible...good grief! (Okay, there I go, being American and all--)
Glad to hear you think you've GAL enough for him to realize you're a great catch. But he did nothing different...hmmm. What to think? I believe you have GAL if you say so, I really do.
But the fact that he's still in a R with her says one of two things: 1-either he really just wants to string you along in case he might want to someday come back, and likes knowing there's no competition, and he can take his sweet time returning if and when he wants to; OR 2- he's not man enough to deal with a relatively TINY amount of discomfort on his end at work, b/c compared to what he put you thru, so what?
Sorry honey, but I think Helen is getting the brunt of your anger and your xbf is getting off light. He's the one who was in a monogamous R with you, not her. (And if she was also in one, that's her ex bf's problem not yours). As women, we often blame OW's more than our WAS's for cheating, and that troubles me a bit. Why do we do that?
Anyhow, that's my .02 cents, which is buying LESS AND LESS each day. Probably should increase it to a dime so we know it's still a real coin...also--if I recall correctly, you DID discuss M but decided not to for what reason? Was it you who said no? Can't recall right now but will look it up. Just trying to recall if there was a pattern of him not making hard choices. He sure isn't right now. And he owes you that. AS for his awkwardness at work for 6 weeks....come on, seriously, is that really a good enough reason to keep the knife in your chest and still be seeing her? And not you?
Psy Ops- BMF needs to hear about you going out with a "new friend" who seems very "intriguing to you" and you just tell bmf that you're "crossing [your] fingers" and "seeing where it goes" and you make an apparent effort to minimize the R, b/c you "don't want 'anyone' to know", as you are keeping it on the "D L", hush hush, etc.
Make sense?
Okay, "over and out" -if we really do the psy ops, we'll have to have more code names...so I'll be
"Awakened Beauty" and you can be...."Hot Woman"...unless you have something else in mind...
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi J.. Thanks for your post. Although I will say, I dont really get why I have several times had people doubt my motives for GAL and I've never seen that levied at anyone else here. I'm not out sailing to win him back, I'm a Piscean, it was always my dream to live by the sea and sail/surf/kayak.. its nothing to do with him!
Its not just the inconvenience that he wont leave her. I can see it WOULD be awkward to dump her whilst they are co-working in a small office and out on site for the next 6 weeks, BUT.. I guess the reason he hasnt 'let go' of her/that R, he's not done yet, for whatever reason. Whatever he is doing, its likely to be very unconcious. Looking at your options 1 and 2, its more likely 2 - he hasnt got the emotional capacity to go through another messy breakup again right now, but she may still have some 'hold' over him also, of course.
I dont have any anger and certainly none at her? I said I felt sorry for her. I dont blame her either, not at all, I blame him entirely. I havent made any comments on my thread like that? I dont believe he is in love with her, or that she is 'the one', but I believe this R is teaching him alot, lessons he needed to learn.
As for M.. he asked me twice and I said no, becuase my Mum drummed it into me as a child, dont get M, dont have kids, keep your independence, dont let a man get the better of you, dont do what I did.. so it was me that was perhaps the commitment phobe for the first 5 years. My COMMITMENT to my ex, eventhough he has gone has been healthy for me and healed that negative childhood conditioning.
I agree, they could pass on titbits, to make him think he is 'losing me'. BUT.. he was in love with me in 1996, nearly asked me out (I hoped he would) but he chickened out.. I then met and moved in with a guy and my ex then backed right off and it took him another 2 1/2 years, until Aug 98 to blurt out how he felt (he was very drunk at the time, natch). So.. because of the way he is, I KNOW that he heard a sniff of an OM, he would just give up, back off, whatever. Wouldnt work. He's also, never been a jealous guy at all. My RL people who know him concur that it would be counterproductive. I just think it might be a dangerous game? If I met someone for real and did move on, it might be interesting to see how he reacted!
Cher told me today BMF is meeting him tommorow, as my ex needs to talk. BMF told me he is now working in an office with her at her company, so that would partly explain why the emails have slowed down - he can hardly email me when they share a room, or risk one from me popping up on screen ! What a shame..
25yearsmlc makes so much sense. What great, insightful posts!
It is easy on these non-confronting, avoidant guys not to make any moves when we enable them.
If you read your lastest post you are making so many excuses for him...
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I can see it WOULD be awkward to dump her whilst they are co-working in a small office and out on site for the next 6 weeks,
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Whatever he is doing, its likely to be very unconcious.
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he hasnt got the emotional capacity to go through another messy breakup again right now
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she may still have some 'hold' over him also
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believe this R is teaching him alot, lessons he needed to learn
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BMF told me he is now working in an office with her at her company, so that would partly explain why the emails have slowed down - he can hardly email me when they share a room, or risk one from me popping up on screen !
What is all this doing to you and your life Al? If he was ready to dump Helen then he would, work or no work. It is an excuse and it is second hand information from BMF that if he was really a good BMF he wouldn't be sharing with you, his best friends exgf. All this 'will he, won't he' is doing you no good. When he makes a move is when you need to start taking it seriously, until then carry on with your GALing and box it up. Respect the fact that he is not ready yet and leave the topic with BMF and BFF even if they bring it up, as tempting as it is. Dwelling is doing you no good and perpetuating stuff. You know I say this because I care.
I have to agree w/JCJ on this one. Although I do love 25's suggestions of psych ops, I'm not sure this is the right time. I would say wait on this a bit longer, then take a look at whether or not you should work w/the covert operations...if you do, you've got a great source in 25 to use.
Anyway, I think it is time for now to let it sit and see what happens. Let them discuss it and you try to avoid any discussion w/it even if they do bring it up.
In the meantime, I'd suggest maintaining direct contact w/him weekly to "check in on him" as you would any friend. E-mail, text or phone call? You choose.
I didnt discuss it with BMF, I'd already decided not to.. he said a few things and I just said "well.. we are in regular contact by email".. as in, I have my own contact with him, you dont have to tell me. Ditto Cher.. she told me BMF is meeting him and I just said, I am glad ex has a good friend to talk to and asked nothing.
Rob, we are in regular contact, every few days (he emailed me twice Friday, twice Monday and texted yesterday). But I decided not to phone him tonight for 2 reasons.. one.. why should I chase him up on his mobile? I need to be more unavailable now I think. Second, I didnt completely trust myself not to be cool and casual with him and not let any whistfulness creep into my voice.
I'm not making excuses for him, in fact, I think he is cake eating. I was touched to get the present and card and yes its positive.. but the reason I didnt email or text him first, was becuase deep down, I was a little cross.. he isnt just giving to me, with no expectation.. he sent me that present for his OWN ends.. he knows he couldnt have missed my bd and not shown a little bit of care (and he made sure to put thought into it), he knows he would be pushing me too far if he had ignored it.. its wierd how it works...yes, we are in limbo by choice, but even the WAS does just enough to KEEP us in limbo. I believe thats what he's doing.
Ali - Soz - to jump in onto your thread with this -
25years - " what the heck is GFI? gf is girl friend, or good friend and "I" is...intelligent?? intuitive?? Inventive...insane...??? Just asking..."
25 - I've tried to find your thread to respond - but couldn't - so...
GFI = "GO FOR IT" - for what its worth - it was a phrase I remember using as a kid and into my teens with friends - when attempting something a bit risky and possibly out of reach, but then again might not be, given the right attitude and will...
When I registered here and was searching around in my befuddled and distressed mind at that time for something suitably meaningful to me but obscure so my W wouldn't find me - cos she knew i had started looking at this site for pointers and "comfort", thats what came up...now I'm not bothered in the same way...but I've kept that nickname cos I like it!
Hey 25...to clarify (again!) I think your posts are great, so insightful and very very helpful - I wasn't intending saying anything other than that! Was simply trying to bring a more light-hearted slant into things - which of course - can go wrong...
So... friends?
And so 25 ...do you have a thread?
Best - really!!! GFI - aka GOING FOR IT - aka in reality - Simon - there - I've said it!
I opened the solicitors letter, they want proof of address off him! So.. gonna have to email him maybe afterall. Or, leave it 1 more day, see if he contacts me. He's seeing BMF tommorow night, the last few times, he did contact me on a Friday, after seeing BMF.. so I will have to ask him then I guess.
I have been canny and called the landlord for the flat (big company with 100+ buildings) to ask if they want to buy it back off me and they said ok, how much! So I said �10k more than the other offer and I am waiting to hear their answer! I'd rather sell to them for more money and less risk of them pulling out (doubt they will survey it, as they own the rest of the building!)
