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Sounds like an interesting breakdown.
It's impressive how quickly you're making things happen. One reason to have a qualified psychiatrist with the meds is because of their experience with how the drugs work and if they are at a therapeutic level. The doc only knows what you tell him/her. You have to work together to be in the best place possible.
And remember, you own your happiness.. your sorrow. Those are yours and yours alone. Choices.
You can keep her as a bullhorn to your ear to choose to turn away, turn it off, put it down. Babysteps.
I am sorry I have been so vacant these last few days. Been just so busy. I had to go out of town yesterday on business, for example. And just trying to keep up with everyone's sitch's has been a challenge, let alone updating my own.
Likewise this has forestalled my running down these leads for family counseling for my S's. The good news is that when STBXW started asking S8 whether he thought my idea was any good, S8 told her he would appreciate being able to talk to someone about these things, including other kids going through the same struggles. (Perhaps this means STBXW is getting her first whiff of the coffee, so to speak.)
I am also talking to S8's teacher about getting the school counselor involved. The teacher seems very willing to help out.
My visit with my IC was good. I had a lot of events to catch him up on: a lot has transpired since we last met in August. As usual, he let me do most of the talking, occasionally asking me leading questions to get me to think about things in another way.
I was telling him about all the crap STBXW has been putting me through, and how delusional she and her mother are for their relentless insistence that their version of reality is true. I stopped and paused, then I said that maybe I was the one who was delusional, that I had it all wrong. That's when the IC spoke up and said, "No, no, you are not the one who's delusional here."
I can say that really appreciated the vote of confidence. Because I have to wonder sometimes.
I really need to get this D behind me now. If that has now become a fait accompli then there is no sense in putting it off any longer and thereby further delaying my healing and the rest of my life. Out of fear for my S's I have allowed myself to become stuck in limbo, abrogating my stated policy to "Keep Moving Forward."
I stopped and paused, then I said that maybe I was the one who was delusional, that I had it all wrong. That's when the IC spoke up and said, "No, no, you are not the one who's delusional here."
I can say that really appreciated the vote of confidence. Because I have to wonder sometimes.
I have those feelings too sometimes. I think our WAS sometimes (at least in our cases) like to view us as the bad guy or the crazy guy and they have no choice but to end the marriage. Their script or whatever. I don't think like in my case anyone believes this except H, OW, and maybe his best friend or 2. Don't play the role she wants you to play. Try not to discuss stuff with her in person. Send brief, professional type emails with no personal feelings. Don't let her push your buttons. I know this is very difficult believe me.
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I really need to get this D behind me now. If that has now become a fait accompli then there is no sense in putting it off any longer and thereby further delaying my healing and the rest of my life. Out of fear for my S's I have allowed myself to become stuck in limbo, abrogating my stated policy to "Keep Moving Forward."
I can understand you wanting to get this over with and over all this junk. I feel that way too. But I do think that I'm still healing and growing even through this process. But I know it will be good to have it over with.
You mentioned that your S8 has been acting up, even though he knows that it will reflect badly on you and may be a custody problem.
Please, please tell me that you haven't said any of the above to him directly...
Giving kids news like this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. He acts out because you are sending the message that you are EXPECTING him to act out, and worse, that if he does, if he fails, he will loose time with you, AND disappoint/hurt you. Talk about stressing out an 8 year old!!! It happens because he is so worried that it WILL happen!
What the others' said about an IC for the kids is crucial.
Judges, Ls, etc., understand the trauma that kids go through when parents divorce. They have seen it a thousand times, unfortunately. Nothing your kids do will surprise them. They also will recognize that kids usually act up more with the SAFE, STABLE parent. You will bear the brunt of it because they know in their hearts that you will love them, no matter what. Their mother has demonstrated that this is not the case with her. You do something she doesn't like, and SHE LEAVES!
You have to stand up and be a man for those boys (I hope that doesn't sound too harsh). Your X is no better than you as a parent. You have to have confidence in your parenting skills, and do what you have to in order to gain those TEACHABLE SKILLS if necessary. I am SO glad to hear that you are back in IC! Take a parenting course, read books that the IC can suggest. I found a local group who offers bereavement groups for kids who are dealing with a death or divorce of a parent - it was good for them to be around other kids who could share similar thoughts, make them feel like they weren't alone. Talking to the school counselor is a good idea; they know about resources like this. While the kids were in group, a social worker also met with the parents to share, vent, offer suggestions, etc.
No excuses on getting the kids the help they need. That has to be your #1 priority right now. Start searching the web tonight, email the school and ICs over the weekend. THAT is what will matter to the boys the most, and stand out to any third party looking at your parenting - NOT if the kids are acting out! It is how you RESPOND that will be looked at!!! Don't fold up, wither and give up, just when those kids need you most!
btw, your stbx cannot steal away your happiness, just as she couldn't be the one who "made" you happy. Like love, that is a choice. Start a gratitude journal and start being grateful for all that is - you will find a lot. Look for those things, especially when your head wants to make you obsess about the bad (says the lady who spent too long in too deep a hole). AD's are not a bad thing. I've been on them for about 2 years, and only last month starting weaning off them. Been in IC since 11/06...first it was about the bomb and all of that. Now, it is to continue with my own growth. I want to be the best person I can be. For myself, and for my kids.
Hello, everyone, I have lurked on other's threads, but am still so stretched thin to relate my own status. I will try to give a brief update.
Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
Please, please tell me that you haven't said any of the above to him directly...
Not in so many words, Donna, but I wonder that my moods have influenced him despite my attempts to hide them. S8 has Asperger's, and thus he's supposed to have reduced capacity to empathize with the feelings of others -- but you would be hard pressed sometimes to prove that of him. He perceives so much more than "we" tend to give him credit for -- I think he just reacts to other people's emotions differently, not that he is unable to sense them at all.
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btw, your stbx cannot steal away your happiness, just as she couldn't be the one who "made" you happy.
No, I agree. Neither the WAS or anyone else can steal our joy unless we allow them to do so. I have allowed for too long, I know.
<journaling> Well, S8 had a great day on Saturday. He won third place in the district Pinewood Derby race! He has done a very admirable job for his first year entering. I am very proud of him and his accomplishment, and I and very happy he has this new sense of accomplishment and achievement.
I have to relate, though, a little story about STBXW. She was there at the event along with the hateful, snide MIL to support S8 in his latest competition.
Background: I have made it a point to stress to S8 that win or lose the most important thing to being a scout competing in this event was that he learned and practiced good sportsmanship. I coached S8 to understand that he needed to be a gracious participant in this sport regardless of whether he won or lost.
This is not an easy lesson to learn for any eight year old child.
During the competition S8 demonstrated a lot of maturity, but there was one incident that really reflected badly on us all. His mother, STBXW, had made her way over to where he was about to stage his car for the particular heat our S was about to run in. She got a bit too gung-ho with her cheers and her thumbs-up and the high-fives as S8 passed her on the way to the platform to compete. S8 hammed it up right along with her in response.
FYI: This was very, very poor form for a scout (or their parent) to act that way -- and went against my instructions to S8. I was taking pictures of the event at that moment and was only beginning to realize the faux paux taking place over at the platform. In fact, an older gentleman stepped out of the crowd and raised his voice to STBXW, saying, "You can't do that! That's wrong! Don't be doing that kind of stuff!" -- admonishing my STBXW and my S for these antics.
I was quite a bit embarrassed for them both, especially for STBXW. I am not sure that the significance of this had fully dawned on STBXW -- and I thought to myself that if she is really that insensitive then I not only no longer truly know her, I don't want to know her.
All in all though, the incident was quickly forgotten, and the competition went on to everyone's delight. On the drive home I took the opportunity to talk to S8 about this -- among all the other afterglow feelings -- and why this was so significant given the expressed values of all scouts. He seems to get it as I did not have to belabor my point at all. He really does make me proud.
and I thought to myself that if she is really that insensitive then I not only no longer truly know her, I don't want to know her.
Wow, I have felt that way many times over the last year (or more!). The things xH says or does these days makes me so glad I am not 'attached' to him anymore, therefore don't feel the need to explain or justify his actions to anyone. And you said it perfectly, I don't recognize xH, nor do I want to waste my valuable time trying to understand him or get to know the 'new' person.
CONGRATULATIONS to S8!!!!!! And good job dad, teaching him the values of a Scout, and of an honorable, valued person. Keep it up!
