Yes Saffie, but probably true for most people here.. their spouses were weak/avoidant/emotionally dishonest, which is why its called 'the bomb' - we dont see it coming. I would just like a 2nd chance, but who knows? Even with MC, there are no gaurantees. But there arent anyway in life, I could meet a fabulous new man and he could cheat on my in 6 months. I bet Helen thought my ex was a catch, but he thinks about his ex all the time (according to BMF). I guess if he goes through this and learns what matters to him enough to come back, maybe he wont do it again. Much like me and my EA.
Its all feeling a bit hypothetical really, I cant believe he does want me back as much as BMF says.. wheres the evidence!? Although folks such as Cyrena tell me this type of behaviour is 'normal' and I know he's very down and struggling, so, wait and see I guess. And he does keep emailing me now, frequently.
Hey GFI...yes I am a bit stressed. Its frustrating, I miss him. I'm a bit resentful he wont pick the phone up. Yes its the waiting. I'm lonely and I keep having bursts of memory of him and I together and all I see, looking back, is lots of nice memories and loving times. It all seems such a waste. I thikn I finally feel jealous.. to hear she was out in the pub with him, G and J.. I dont even know where he lives !
Ali - stressed he won't pick up the phone ... to phone you?
You still haven't phoned him? Why not ? You have BIG news to share with him!
...some men are avoidant - I was - avoided the harsh truth, avoided what was obvious, avoided reality...is this a male trait? Or one that is more obvious on this board?
Saffie is onto something here though Al - make sure that if your exBF does move back into "your space" that you're sure that you have a plan to sort that stuff out...it might happen - it might not - but its worth rehearsing i think...
Without being going overboard with expectations or hopes ...this might be a time to consider your "terms" - especially in light of your new found and wonderful "Ali"!
Yes, I have thought about it, alot, I just dont post about it as its still so hypothetical. I will 'feel my way' along if he does ever, ever, broach trying again with me. I have my ideas about it (we would have to 'date', get to know each other again, have fun, not mention Helen very much in the early days, but later in 'stage 4' as Jody says, we would have to talk, he would have to go to a GUI clinic, we'd take a holiday.. etc etc) but, I dont think you can plan these things too much. I've learnt that much over the past 18 months, life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans hey.
Yes I do have to tell him about the flat, inevitably we will end up doing that by email. I wonder if he will offer his address to me for the paperwork, or offer to meet to sign stuff or.. most likely, he will just tell me I can go ahead and forge his signature on everything. Yep, done that before, on one of the leases, on our mortgage application, etc. That way, he can avoid seeing me, he will paint it as.. oh thats easier for you, I'm no good at all this, you read and sign everything...
I think I am beginning to forget what he looks like and what he is like.. i've only seen him twice Sep - now. I'm sick of feeling so rejected and not even worthy of an hour of his life. It feels like he doesnt even want to be my friend, but thats ridiculous, he emailed me 4 times last week and the week before and about 8 times the week before that. Noone in my life emaiis me that much! (oh, apart from Cher) so we are still in friendly contact. Perhaps we are veyr very slowly building back up to stage 2 - friendship. We were there pre-Helen and about to jump to stage 3 - romance and of course he bailed - after spending the weekend with me, he then started dating her 2 weeks later.
So we had to start back at stage 1 - reducing feelings of guilt and shame and negativity (is that right!? lol) and we arent really in stage 2 yet as there are still 'taboo' subjects and I dont have his phone number. Guess its going to take a long time, with the added complication of her. I just hope he acts on his decision soon to end it with her. I also hope he remembers my birthday! Although I will try not to place too much importance on it if he doesnt.
Just wanted to post a couple of quick comments in relation to your post. If your Ex always remembered your birthday in the past, then I am positive that he will remember it this time. This does not mean, however, that he will act on this. I think that there would be a lot of guilt associated with reaching out on your special day, given that he knows you are alone because of him. Perhaps he will make the effort anyway, but I just wanted to say that they are often thinking of us when it doesn't seem that they are. My own H recently posted on someone's wall on FB that he has a "great wife". He has not said one such thing to me in months, but this highlighted for the me the fact that what he says and shows to me is not necessarily what is going through his mind.
In terms of stage 2, I really think that it's normal for there still to be "taboo" subjects. My take on it is at the beginning of stage 2 it is like a very casual friendship. So, you don't necessarily discuss feelings and deep topics, but things are casual and light. I live with my H again, and we have discussed long-term plans together, but there are still topics that seem off-limits. My point is that these things often take a lot longer than we'd expect, and I don't think the stages are exactly the same for everyone. It takes a really long time to build up to a place where it is OK to discuss what happened. I remember that Jody told Optimistwife (who got her M back) that it was better to just concentrate on the things that were now good rather than bringing up the past and causing her H to feel shame for his behavior. They started moving forward, and making future plans, without having those talks.
Also I hate to hear you say that you feel like you are not worthy of an hour of his life. I know you don't mean that you feel that way but that you think he feels that way. Again back to guilt. He is seeing OW, is unhappy with his own decisions and where they have brought him in life, and you are a reminder of what he lost, and the fact that he hasn't had the courage to end it with Helen. From this perspective, I think it makes a lot of sense that he hasn't seen you more often. Sounds like if you are able to hold on through the next couple of months, and continue being his friend in the way that he is capable of (and who knows-this might grow to include phone calls and even meeting in person), things could start to shift.
Anyway hope you are doing well today! ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hi Ali, sorry but just had to bring this up to maybe avoid confusion to others following your thread.
Quote:
So we had to start back at stage 1 - reducing feelings of guilt and shame and negativity (is that right!? lol) and we arent really in stage 2 yet as there are still 'taboo' subjects and I dont have his phone number.
Did you mean besides not having his address you don't have his home ph number? as you have been debating whether or not to call him, I presume you do have his mobile ph number and that he hasn't changed it. What happens after May if there is no progress(re stars) will you then move the date to July and see what happens then. Is the length of time you are prepared to wait condititonal on whether or not you fall for someone else in the meantime or are you being guided soley by the astrological events. Hope you have plans for your birthday whether or not, enoy the day.
Naej, I have his mobile and he'd be happy to hear from me I'm sure, I just dont feel able to, suppose he doesnt either.. he just emailed me actually, he's emailed me every 2-3 days (not weekends!) since beg Jan.
I'm not still waiting because of the stars, as an astrolger, its just interesting to see the correlation between textbook transit effects and what is actually going on in RL. I have a little control experiment too.. as my BMF said today he felt exactly the same as I did at the weekend, emotionally, as Maria did, but with differnet circumstances. We were all born in the same week and are 37! There are similarities, in how we feel.
I'm not setting any rules/time limits/ultimatums on myself, or him. Dont think it really works that way, just acceptance of where I am at now and how I feel now and that that is a moving target.
hey Mish.. missed you on the boards lately. Well, I sent him quite a muted response, told him I accepted the offer, was a bit jokey but not quite as upbeat as I have been. Feeling a bit tired of it today, then I got a birthday card off HIS MUM! Nice of her, after being apart 15 months. Guess I am gone but not forgotton.
PS: M.. remember what we said about Sept 06?? I just remembered, thats when I started college.. so thats when BMF met me and we hit it off immediately. Wierd.
I finally had a vision for my final degree show and its to do with Saturn, Chronus, old father time.. and everything i have learnt on this painful journey the past 18 months (we pisceans have been having a Saturn transit and mine is exact right now -Saturn opposite my sun) it causes self-critisism/doubt, loneliness, sluggishness, depression, loss, lack of love/joy/happiness, hard times and lack generally, like financially! Theres always some bright spots though as Saturn tests us to our limits, but never BEYOND it. It feels like about as much as you can bear and no more.
So, he emailed me back, just very moaney, not too jokey and no, how are you's? no reference to my birthday tommorow (natch) and he ended it with a suprising admission, kind of more like how he used to pre-Helen (and hadnt since) he said..."boring day today, very tired and grumpy"
So, dont know why he is moaning to me and not his girlfriend! About the flat, he just said "thats great news - fingers crossed it goes through smoothly." - so clearly, NO clue that he is supposed to sign everything!
But.. the fact that he is sharing and moaning about his house, tenants, costs, his Mum (!), his brother, work etc etc, as he did... its interesting he feels able or wants to share that with me after 15 months apart! Perhaps shes sick of hearing it hey. I read it out to my BFF and she said "Its all, oh.. poor me. He's in a mess". Yep.
I just wanted to reinforce what ITH has said. It does take longer to move through the stages than you'd ever believe, and even if you got together in, what were you predicting, May? it might be 12 or 18 months later before your BF worked through his low self-esteem, guilt, regret, embarrassment, etc, enough to understand and be ready to talk about what happened. You know how every once in a while you cycle through a stage where you are convinced you need "honest and open communication?" Trust me, trying to talk to someone who is still reeling from the effects of his MLC is like expecting a person whose leg was recently amputated not to mind if you probed his scars in order to discover how he "felt"--you'd hear a lot of screaming, but receive little clarity about what was going on in his mind.
Yes, the two of you would concentrate on what was working/what was good, and make plans for the future, but because you hadn't yet received assurance that he knew what he'd done (and had therefore actually changed), you wouldn't be sure you could trust him. And on days when he seemed sunny, upbeat and himself, you'd think, how can you act as though nothing ever happened? Other days he would be preoccupied, closed in and unresponsive and you would want to scream, "I need to have my needs met too!"
It's hard to describe piecing. Sometimes things seemed to be so easy, so right, and other times the emotions and uncertainties I mentioned above would take over. After the bomb, I had a clear sense of what I needed to do to heal myself and what I'd like any future relationship to look like, which gave me energy and purpose to make changes. After H returned, I often felt I was slogging through a swamp with no compass. I wonder if, for the LBS, piecing isn't a kind of final exam, which forces us to reconfirm all the changes we have made.
The only thing that got me through piecing was my new-found ability to detach from my H, to understand that my emotional life cannot be connected to his, to NOT NEED anything from him. You've made a lot of progress in this area, but I'd encourage you, whenever you feel yourself wanting to have a good old wallow in "I wonder whether he...?", to instead focus on appreciating yourself and your life outside of him.
I think you're right not to set any rules/ultimatums on youself, and make sure not to set any expectations up either! I hope your birthday is lovely!!
What's 'natch'? Not anything too much like snatch, I hope!
Happy Birthday- I hope you have a lovely day. Make sure you eat lots of cake and drink lots of fizzy pop, oh and maybe even eat some jelly and ice-cream. Makes you feel young!
Interesting that BF complained to you about his day. My STBXH does that too. I think it probably reflects the lack of a 'meeting of minds' with the aubergine.
Have a lovely day! If I was there I'd be hoping to hit Newquay to strike fear into the hearts of the young men there with our hot-ness!
