Hi. I am 35 and my wife is 32. We have 3 kids - S11 D8 D6. Right before Thanksgiving my W dropped the bomb that she had a one time fling and she was pregnant. I forgave her and we decided to work on our relationship. I really took a look at myself and how I treated her. I was very controlling and needy. I was always checking up on her etc. She had an abortion in December. Things between us seemed to improve. Feb 6 I caught her in a lie and she came home drunk and told me that it wasn't a one time thing, that she was having an ongoing affair with her boss since October. She said she loved both of us and didn't know what to do, that she was confused. She left for the weekend to think about things. When she came home she was very warm to me and then turned very cold and said that the only reason she came home was for the kids, that we would basically co-exist. She was warm to me the rest of the week and told me that she was going to work on our relationship but she needed time. I asked what she was getting out of the affair and she said independence.
2 weeks ago I caught her in another lie. She said she had to work late but she ended up being with the OM. She came home and blew up at me like it was my fault she lied to me. She said she was leaving grabbed some of her stuff and was gone. She stopped by the house a few days later and said that she wanted to be a mom but didn't want to be in a relationship. She gave me the ILYBINILWYA. We talked for awhile and decided that our relationship had grown out of a great friendship so we were going to start with rebuilding the friendship. She agreed to go to MC. We started last week. C told my wife that she is running from her problems. Referred her for IC because the C says she needs help badly. My W holds onto everything that has ever hurt her.
I have started to do some 180's and concentrating on being a positive person. After doing some reading on here the past couple of days I am starting to work on setting goals. One that I was thinking about came true yesterday. I wanted her to initiate physical contact. I have not gone dark but I have resisted the urge to pursue.
She came to the house (I invited her for dinner with me and the kids). She told me that I look really good and that I smell good and she gave me a smack on the butt. My son and I were going to hockey game and I just gave a wave goodbye and she got a disappointed look on her face and came and gave me a hug goodbye.
Sorry this is so long. Please give feedback as to what direction I should go. Thanks
First of all, you have come to the right place. There are lots of people here in a similar situation as yours that will be able to help you.
It sounds like you have done a few things right. She definitely has not lost interest completely. The PA is certainly in the way of making real progress, as long as it goes on. Does anybody but you know about it? Is the OM married? Does his W know? There are ways to bust the PA, but, of course, you have to be careful. It could also push your W further away. There are a few people here on this BB that can give you excellent advice on this.
In the meantime, continue to work on yourself. You mentioned 180s, try to GAL and maintain a PMA. Start to work out, spend more time with the kids, everything that keeps your mind occupied.
Keep posting with updates, so people find your thread. Sooner or later you will get some great advice. Read the DR or DB book, if you have not done that already.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Feb 6 I caught her in a lie and she came home drunk and told me that it wasn't a one time thing, that she was having an ongoing affair with her boss since October. She said she loved both of us and didn't know what to do, that she was confused. She left for the weekend to think about things . . . When she came home she was very warm to me and then turned very cold and said that the only reason she came home was for the kids, that we would basically co-exist. . . .
2 weeks ago I caught her in another lie. She said she had to work late but she ended up being with the OM. She came home and blew up at me like it was my fault she lied to me. She said she was leaving grabbed some of her stuff and was gone. She stopped by the house a few days later. . .
Dennis,
I'm not understanding something; your wife just comes and goes as she pleases, with no repercussions? Unless I'm reading this wrong, that's incredibly disrespectful, and I would never advise that you put up with such a thing.
You also seem to talk a lot about "she is warm to me," and "she is cold toward me." You are VERY enmeshed with what your wife thinks, feels and acts toward you, and I'm guessing that you're fairly co-dependent. (I was/am, too). Have you ever done any reading on the subject? I would also suggest "No More Mr. Nice Guy," in addition to Michele's "Divorce Remedy."
Finally, when you say she "initiated physical contact," are you still ML with her? If you are, I hope you are using protection.
EVERYTHING I read in your long post is about "she needs," "she wants," etc. What do YOU need and want?
No we are not ML. I have no idea if she has any interest and I could care less right now. Things need to improve greatly before that would happen. When I say initiate contact that is what I want from her as far as affection goes.
She only comes to the house if invited.
Oh I'm definitely co-dependent. That's why I'm here to get advice on how to break this dependency.
At this point I'm living my life as if I'm a single father of 3. I've started doing things that I enjoy again like playing guitar. I began working out to relieve stress and because I wanted to improve my health.
At this point I'm living my life as if I'm a single father of 3. I've started doing things that I enjoy again like playing guitar. I began working out to relieve stress and because I wanted to improve my health.
Her family knows everything. They can't understand why she is doing this and have told her she is making a mistake. I don't know for sure if the affair is still going. I suspect that it is.
When this first happened I had the initial reaction of begging and pleading. I was fortunate enough to find this site and ones like it to realize that is the absolute wrong thing to do. I make a conscious effort to not contact her and put the onus on her to open communication. Not easy and sometimes do make the mistake of contacting her but those instances don't happen much anymore. I notice her calling me for stupid stuff - chit chat etc. I keep it to a minimum.
Update: I backslid. W came to the house on Sunday to have dinner with me and the kids. She tells me that she has not given up on us and that we will try everything we can before we say the M is over. She still wants to move into an apartment(right now she is staying at a friend's house). That if she comes home she will be miserable. I asked her what that means and she says it will be like it always has been. She says that she is confused and doesn't know who she is. I didn't really respond to any of it.
On a positive note she actually asked me how my job was going and she told me that she is still attracted to me. She hasn't really asked anything about me in over a month. I've talked in the past with her about me going back to school for Accounting. She brought it up and is encouraging me to do it. It just confuses me that she sees me as her closest friend, she loves me, and is still very attracted to me but doesn't know that she still wants to be married to me?????
Another positive note: She has set up her IC to start this week. Our MC says she has a lot of issues to deal with before we can even begin with the M issues. I was afraid she would back out. I've been gently encouraging her instead of nagging like I did in the past and she has actually expressed appreciation for how I'm handling it.
At this point I am not going to fight her on moving into an apartment. I know if I do she will run even faster. I willmake sure we set up guidelines for the seperation though. Anything else I could or should be doing? Most days I feel strong somedays like today I feel lost. Patience Patience Patience
I didn't read any backslide there depending on how far this went..."That if she comes home she will be miserable. I asked her what that means and she says it will be like it always has been. "
It's great she's not giving up going to IC. Just make sure you still give her space, don't push and see what happens.
Good Luck
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
